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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

The relationship board going downhill

67 replies

Sallystyle · 09/02/2015 22:19

I was shocked by a certain thread which I read yesterday where the OP was treated like shit and instead of getting support she got a good kicking instead. Of course some posters gave amazing advice and were understanding but far too many posters were simply arseholes.

I am pretty sure this has been brought to your attention before MNHQ. It often resembles AIBU and I know I am not the only one who is now put off by the thought of asking for support over there.

Sure, some posts are deleted but the damage is already done by then isn't it? People should be able to trust that they can post on the relationship board and not get treated in the same way they would on AIBU.

So my question is why is this allowed to go on? As a rule I hate heavy moderation but when posters are no longer comfortable seeking advice isn't it time to look at other ways of getting rid of the AIBU vibe that is seeping through over there?

There are some fantastic posters on that board who are smart and compassionate and it is such a shame to see the increasing nastiness going on.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 09/02/2015 22:52

I completely agree.

I have lurked over on Relationships and there have been more than one thread where the OP has had nasty replies.

If needs to stay in AIBU, if anywhere really. There is no need for it. Especially on something like Relationships where posters are looking for support and help.

As you often say MNHQ "it's not in the spirit of MN". Some people really seem to get off on being given downright nasty.

AuntieStella · 09/02/2015 22:59

I've no idea which threads/s you mean.

I hope you reported posts you thought were beyond the pale, and/or posted the advice you thought more appropriate in the thread itself.

CadmiumRed · 09/02/2015 23:03

So many posters think that with a pithy diagnosis from them the OP should suddenly throw off years of self esteem problems, reverse the insidious effects of emotional abuse within the space of a day and a half and sail off into a financially secure future before dawn.

Haranguing victims of domestic abuse is totally contrary to the advice of Women's Aid and I see it all the time on MN.

CrapBag · 09/02/2015 23:13

I do that Auntie. I sometimes feel like a tell tale running off to MNHQ but I think it's awful the way posters hide behind anonymity to be vile to a total stranger looking for help or advice.

I do also post with a more sensible point of view or support if I feel I can give it. Sometimes that can turn it around.

AuntieStella · 09/02/2015 23:21

Good on you. MNHQ always say they love reports.

(I suspect that they like spending time reading threads, rather than doing real work)

Original poster
Sallystyle · 10/02/2015 08:02

I report and many others do too. Although usually by the time I get to the thread it has been reported already so I don't have to.

I think it's a real problem when some posters no longer feel comfortable with seeking support there. It is not AIBU but sometimes it sure feels like it is. So many posters offer such great support and advice and it's a shame that on certain threads you have to wade through a lot of shit to get to those great posts.

OP posts:
CadmiumRed · 10/02/2015 08:54

I wouldn't post in Relationships if I was feeling vulnerable. I have been in a long term relationship of a kind often described , and whereas I would have benefitted and drawn great strength from an analytical perspective and from genuine encouragement, the impatience to 'do something' right now and the dismissal shown once someone asks about the same relationship more than twice would have driven me away and made me feel worse.

People need time to gather themselves up and leave in their own way. Genuine support recognises that.
Many posters suggest therapy and counselling and then do exactly what a therapist / counsellor will never do: give insistent prescriptive advice.

ArghMeToes · 10/02/2015 09:09

I agree with this. MNHQ please feel free to look up my posting history on that board - I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and name changed every time I asked for support because each time I received "tough love" from some posters. Often I was posting in tears and having never been in a relationship like that before didn't understand what was going on... frankly I name changed every time because of the aggression from some posters. I had seen on other threads the way they became exasperated and angry when someone didn't leave immediately and i didnt want that for myself. It isn't always that easy - it took me 3 years to have enough and to leave, from my first post. And fortunately we didn't have children.

Some posters immediately spring to mind as being worse than others. And some of the advice I received was amazing and ultimately helped me leave. But I could have done without some of it!

MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 10/02/2015 16:25

@AuntieStella

Good on you. MNHQ always say they love reports.

(I suspect that they like spending time reading threads, rather than doing real work)

Shock How very dare you! Please please please please please please please please (you get the picture)

please do report things -
Honestly don't feel like a tattle tale -we absolutely do not view it like that.

We would ALWAYS rather hear from someone over and over than not hear anything at all - one hideous thread recently full of PAs and other things that just are not MN (not on r'ships but that's not the point) ran for over 500 posts without a single report!

In terms of whether the R'ships boards is going downhill - we haven't noticed a particular uplift in complaints over there but we would remind ANYONE coming to MN that our philosophy is to makes folk lives easier - yes sometimes the OP will want to hear the wisdom of strangers, and indeed those who've been there and sometime they will ask for what they need to hear not what they want to hear but a kind word with this never goes astray ioho

HTH and do please report anything that you think we need to see (or mail us contactus at mumsnet dot com)
We read every single mail that comes in
Thanks ever so

CrapBag · 10/02/2015 16:39

The thing is people might not be reporting them if it's just posters piling in. If it is a "you're a fucking moron" type post, then that would be reported but if it's just posters lining up to be nasty and not saying things in a constructive way, then I don't think it necessarily would be reported.

There also seems to be a lot of posters getting arsey if the OP doesn't immediately leave or whatever the situation may be. I saw a link today of a thread from last year. It was a horrifying situation but there were still posters doubting (they had been deleted though) and other sarcastic replies because the OP didn't immediately get out or phone the police instantly. It was awful.

SauvignonBlanche · 10/02/2015 16:43

I went on there under a NC, very upset once and got a right kicking, it was way worse than AIBU.

When I gave further info on a misunderstanding that many posters had made, not one of the bastards who'd ripped me to shreds came back.

SauvignonBlanche · 10/02/2015 16:44

I'd didn't 'recognise' any of the miserable gits either.

00100001 · 10/02/2015 16:46

how do you do that quote thing olivia?

MajesticWhine · 10/02/2015 16:57

A lot of people take quite an extreme position, either criticising something the OP did or saying LTB. Thing is neither of these is specifically against talk guidelines, so you don't think to report it, but it's just really really unhelpful.

SauvignonBlanche · 10/02/2015 17:00

It's an MNHQ facility 00100001, it's not for the likes of mere mortals. Wink

Original poster
Sallystyle · 10/02/2015 17:05

Yeah, people might not report it as much as guidelines may not be broken but there is still very much an AIBU vibe there in many threads.

Apart from their conscience there is nothing stopping people piling on an d putting pressure on posters to leave their partners before they are ready. On the thread that made me start this one some personal attacks were removed but many others didn't break the guidelines, although posters were still being arses who seemed to enjoy giving a person in a vulnerable position a kicking, which I don't believe is in the spirit of the relationship board.

I used to tell people who posted in AIBU about a relationship problem to start a thread in relationships, but now there is no point as it is a mini version of AIBU at times.

Again, we have some amazing women posting on that board whose advice is invaluable but people shouldn't have to wade through pages of shit to read them.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 10/02/2015 17:05

I think you've summed it up well, MajesticWhine. Not to be specific but in my case, imagine I had mentioned travelling back from a pub and one poster said, 'well you shouldn't drink and drive', though alcohol was never mentioned, ten posters pile in about drinking and driving, the OP explains she was in a taxi and is teetotal so everyone just fucks off leaving no response to the OP's actual relationship dilemma

RessyMedHair · 10/02/2015 17:07

This is not to the point at all but 00100001 I love your screen name. I just put it in to a binary translator and it said it meant !
\is that right?

I do agree with the main point though. Haranguing people when they're distressed is beyond my comprehension.

sliceofsoup · 10/02/2015 17:08

I agree with this. I didn't see the thread the OP is referring to.

But I am sick of the constant demands for OPs to DO something. On some threads the level of pressure and demands is equal to emotional abuse. Why can't we lend a sympathetic ear, reassure, make suggestions and generally be there, without expecting action to be taken? Many posters need to hear that what they are suffering isn't normal, and then they need time to digest that and come to terms with it.

There are a select few posters that are often commended on these threads and I am sitting there thinking WTF. They have a terrible attitude most of the time. Behaving like bulls in china shops when the situation calls for a much calmer and more thoughtful response.

cozietoesie · 10/02/2015 17:17

Maybe HQ should link this thread through to Relationships? Posters there may not all visit Site Stuff.

MerdeAlor · 10/02/2015 17:18

I was on that thread OP, it was shocking and the Op felt totally misunderstood and abused.

Relationships board can be hard at the best of times with agressive posters. But there is a core of excellent, thoughtful posters who spend time there and keep the others in order by talking sense. Their voices are now being drowned out by AIBU style posters.

These are the issues as I see them:

Posters do not read the thread properly.

There is little thought or consideration to the posting.

Massive assumptions are made and then subsequent posters run with it.

sliceofsoup · 10/02/2015 17:21

But there is a core of excellent, thoughtful posters who spend time there and keep the others in order by talking sense.

IME there are a few posters who are recognised as one of the above, who are worse than AIBU posters because people actually listen to them, and anyone who dares to argue with them is quickly shot down.

Original poster
Sallystyle · 10/02/2015 17:24

That is very true sliceofsoup

And yes, perhaps this thread should be linked to in the relationship board.

OP posts:
MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 10/02/2015 17:32

@SauvignonBlanche

It's an MNHQ facility 00100001, it's not for the likes of mere mortals. Wink

LOL
We're pretty mere mortals, we assure you Grin

SauvignonBlanche · 10/02/2015 17:34

Surely not! Shock