The relationship board going downhill

[Sallystyle]

I was shocked by a certain thread which I read yesterday where the OP was treated like shit and instead of getting support she got a good kicking instead. Of course some posters gave amazing advice and were understanding but far too many posters were simply arseholes.

I am pretty sure this has been brought to your attention before MNHQ. It often resembles AIBU and I know I am not the only one who is now put off by the thought of asking for support over there.

Sure, some posts are deleted but the damage is already done by then isn't it? People should be able to trust that they can post on the relationship board and not get treated in the same way they would on AIBU.

So my question is why is this allowed to go on? As a rule I hate heavy moderation but when posters are no longer comfortable seeking advice isn't it time to look at other ways of getting rid of the AIBU vibe that is seeping through over there?

There are some fantastic posters on that board who are smart and compassionate and it is such a shame to see the increasing nastiness going on.

Having run the gauntlet of starting a thread on relationships last week, I agree with the OP.

I was told I sounded like a loon, and questioned at length about medical conditions that my DD might have (and yes, she does have a medical condition which was relevant, but I wasn't going to discuss it on the thread so it could be judged and dissected by some posters and snidey remarks made).

I would say about 75% of posters were empathetic in their response (and not necessarily agreeing with me, but making their view known in a reasonable and respectful manner). Unfortunately there was a minority who were just being aggressive, but in life we tend to focus on the negative comments. I did comment on the thread that Relationships is only one rung down from AIBU.

I name changed for that thread, and am very glad I did. Had I not done so, I can just imagine some of the posters trawling through previous posts to try to make some snide point.

There was also a poster who made the comment, 'well what do you expect, you posted on a public forum?' I don't think posting on a public forum automatically gives people a right to be horrible.

I must say, I doubt I will ever post on relationships again, which is a shame, because some of the posters provide very good support. It is also a shame, because it was an issue I felt I couldn't discuss with anyone in rl.

If I was having relationship problems, that board would be the last place I'd turn for advice.

There are too many posters on there who make themselves out to be relationship experts when they're anything but.

A friend of mine who specialises in relationship counselling and has done for over 20 years often comments how bloody awful a lot of the advice is.

I feel that way about the health board too Sally
Even when good advice is given by professionals, people still go on to offer a range of dumbed down, simplistic, catastrophising opinions.

Same thing is happening on relationships. They probably always were but it is now much more overt and obvious.

I was having counselling last year and I started a thread about something I discussed with my counsellor (not in Relationships though) and I got a kicking on that one and the responses were just weird. Anyone who I discussed it with in RL all said the complete opposite to most of the posters on here, yet here I was made to look like a terrible person (luckily I name changed so it couldn't be linked to my usual name). When I told my counsellor about it, she didn't say much but I could very much tell she didn't think it was a good idea to post if that's the sort of responses you get.

I love MN but this kicking OP mentality seems to be spreading. You kind of expect it on AIBU, although I don't see why you should. I rarely post an OP there now, only answer others. I have noticed it in chat as well. Sometimes people get told they ABU when it's not even that bloody board. I swear some people get off on just being nasty behind a screen and they would never do it in RL, they'd have no friends otherwise.

MNHQ, the fact that there are several people saying they would never post in relationships tells you there is a problem. I completely agree that posters get very shitty if you do not follow their advice as well.

MNHQ, the fact that there are several people saying they would never post in relationships tells you there is a problem

Yep and I don't think coming on every now and then and reminding posters to play nice is helpful. More needs to be done unless MNHQ is happy to see a board for support turn into AIBU, and I doubt very much they want to see it. I appreciate that unless they get reports they may not notice what is going on so maybe we should report posts that we think are below the belt but don't actually break the guidelines?

which we think are below the belt *

I have Relationships hidden, for the same reason I have AIBU hidden. They are both the same thing to me. It seems everyone with a Relationship is unreasonable, or the partner is, and they have to be told that in no uncertain terms. No middle ground.

Hide it. You won't miss it.

How do you hide whole topics?

"Yep and I don't think coming on every now and then and reminding posters to play nice is helpful"

Agree with this.

I also agree with reporting anything that "isn't in the spirit of MN" even if it doesn't break the talk guidelines. Maybe then they will realise that many posters just don't like this 'give a kicking' mentality.

Hide Topics-

Go to Customise
Scroll to bottom where it says 'Ignore topics in Active Conversations' then click on 'go here'.

You can then transfer topics from one column to the other. Then they will disappear like magic from your Active list. I have more hidden than not.

Agreed. Almost every thread with a vulnerable OP has at least one person waying something like "I'm so angry. You're not going to leave him, are you? You're just going to let him abuse you. Why do people waste their time?" Makes me see red.

At least I do know that it is OK to report these ones. Because I sometimes feel like I've exceeded my reporting quota for the day by the time I've finished my morning cuppa.

It's good to be given the OK to report overly harsh posters on Relationships. I read that board but rarely post and it would never have occurred to me to report stuff that was a bit harsh but not clearly guideline-breaching. Excellent thread OP.

@U2TheEdge

. I appreciate that unless they get reports they may not notice what is going on so maybe we should report posts that we think are below the belt but don't actually break the guidelines?

We would absolutely encourage that - whether on r'ships or otherwise.
Please please please report stuff that you're not happy with and we can take a closer look, and remind people of the guidelines either on board or "ave a word" behind the scenes.
This has happened in other topics which have emotive content (and r;ships are by nature an emotive and oftentimes divisive topic) and those boards do seem to have turned a corner in terms of becoming more supportive
HTH
and thanks again

@ouryve

At least I do know that it is OK to report these ones. Because I sometimes feel like I've exceeded my reporting quota for the day by the time I've finished my morning cuppa.

It's Ok to report ANYTHING. Honestly truly we love reports.
There is no quota - we promise.

8 totally legit reasons you could report a post to MNHQ off the top of my head.

1 Personal attack
2 Breaches our utterly reasonable guidelines
3 You think the op is a goady fucker™ (i.e. has come to MN purely to inflame)
4 Potential thread for MN Classics
5 Hilarious/useful thread in chat and may get lost by auto delete after 90 day function
6 We are talking about x celebrity/public figure - can we get him/her on for a web chat?
7 ROFL have you seen this hilarious cat video we're all talking about?
8 this person is being a bit harsh - can you have a word?

Can I say again - we LOVE reports. They are confidential - there is no quota and it takes about 4 key strokes to do it. Approx 5 seconds.

If in doubt, give HQ a shout.
Thanks as always

It's like a disease that has spread from AIBU. For whatever reason some posters believe it is in the spirit of this site to be as combative and twattish as possible.

I once started a thread asking people just to calm down and respond nicely. I might as well have said I'd just punched a kitten in the face for the response I got.

I don't think there is any need to criticise the OP. A lot of people who start a thread on relationships will do so because they are dealing with a distressing situation and they don't need kicking when they are down.

When it seems fairly clear that an OP is in a really bad relationship it may well be the case that posters are genuinely concerned about the OP and are trying to help her to leave an awful relationship. The worse the relationship is the more vocal the posters can be.

The trouble is that LTB is very easy to say and a lot harder to actually do. Anyone advising is purely doing so from the outside looking in armed only with the cold hard facts. There are no emotions to factor in, no fear. Turning your life upside down at the best of times is terrifying and to do so when you are in a really bad way makes it even harder. I haven't been in an abusive relationship, but I would think that in one your self esteem and confidence would be shot to pieces and for some people maybe posting on here in that situation is that first small step to eventually getting out of that relationship. Leaving when you are feeling strong is one thing, but many people posting about whatever issue it is won't be feeling strong but extremely vulnerable.

I always thought I would LTB straightaway in the event of any major misdemeanour. But, when I actually found myself in that situation I didn't. I had (and am still having) some fantastic support and advice on here but I didn't feel ready or able to act on a lot of it straightaway. I needed to take my time and deal with things in my own way in a timescale that I could handle and I did eventually LTB. The advice itself was brilliant and has helped me enormously and I have had wonderful support but when you are in a vulnerable state it is easy to feel pressurised.

Having said that I do read some situations in relationships and think someone is in an awful relationship and don't understand how they can stay but I would hope that if I posted on that I would at least try and be constructive and try to help them to see that they would be happier away from that relationship however hard that decision may seem.

I think it is a great shame that some people have been put off from posting in relationships because of previous experiences of posting or reading other threads that have been critical of the OP. There is lots of great support and advice and I think most people do mean well.

I think no-one should start a thread in Relationships. Anyone doing so will be abused. There should be a warning, really.

It's a crying shame because people, especially parents, often do need to seek help with relationships.

I really don't think every thread is like that, and saying "Anyone doing so will be abused" suggests something far worse than an occasional,thread misfiring.

Now, there have been all sorts of problems in the past with the trolls and misogynists who really have difficulties with a consistent 'you don't have to out up with crap' stance. I think a great deal would be lost from the site if people stopped posting there.

Supportive, helpful and tactful threads are, I think, the majority. You wouldn't think so from reading this.

)And I do find it a bit weird when someone who says they hid the topic yonks ago seems to know what is happening in there these days).

MNHQ -- Now you're just rubbing your qouting ability in....

share?

I also dislike the ''conclusion'' that any poster that posts twice about the same issue is a time waster or a troll or just plain stupid.

Leaving a bad relationship can be a gradual process. I was in an abusive relationship and the moment I felt like 'I just cannot do this for the rest of my life'' and my actual departure were about 28 months apart. I even had another child in the interim.

I try and help posters see the situation for what it really is, or help them react differently, link to articles, that sort of thing. I would definitely want to make them see that leaving is not impossible.

The Relationships board is what we all make it.

There are women posting this evening and every evening in some terrible situations. I could link several right now where the scenario is desperate.

Where are you all ? Why are you not on each and every one of those threads giving the "correct" support and advice to those women ? You prefer to start other threads to bemoan how it is "going down", hide it, wash your hands of it and leave them to the very people you think are bringing them down ?

That is of course your prerogative, nobody is forced to participate in something they find difficult or distasteful but unless you are prepared to add your own version of support to everyone who needs it you don't have the right to trash other people's.

But some of it isn't support, that's the whole point. It's sticking the boot in for no real reason and being plain nasty sometimes.

A lot of what is posted is nothing I have any experience with and I wouldn't feel 'qualified' to give advice. If it was something I knew I could advise on then I would, although it's not somewhere I frequent but it hasn't stopped me noticing the tone of AIBU at times.