Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Site stuff

Join our Innovation Panel to try new features early and help make Mumsnet better.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Do you think it's a good idea to have a non-public, password-protected area for special needs parents to vent?

499 replies

JustineMumsnet · 17/10/2006 08:26

Following on for the discussion on this thread we'd like to know your thoughts.
For a little while now some of our special needs parents have said they don't feel Mumsnet is working for them in certain situations when they need to vent/rant/talk honestly about their situations and we've been thinking about whether there's anything structurally we can do to help. We feel very strongly that the special needs boards are a core part of Mumsnet and indeed for most of the last six years have been an exemplar of what we're all about - a place where parents can gain support and tap the experience of others to make their lives' easier. That said, we do understand that special needs parents are under extraordinary pressure and therefore more than most could do with a bit of privacy to vent when needed.
One idea that has been raised is a private, password-protected area for special needs parents on Mumsnet. This area would not be automatically visible to all but those who wanted to join could do so - though obviously you wouldn't have to join to discuss special needs - the existing public boards would remain. Clearly this is a break from the norm for Mumsnet and in some ways it feels an anathema because as we all know Mumsnet is an open forum and free access to all who need it is one of our underlying principles. But it's clear the current format is not working for many and if it's not helpful then we need to change things. We've thought about it a lot and feel it could be worth a try.
So what do you think? Special needs crowd, would this work for you do you think? Would you use it? NT parents how do you feel about it? Is it worth a go?
Let us know...
Thanks,
Mumsnet Towers

OP posts:
fubsy · 18/10/2006 18:54

Blu, that was one of the first threads I came across after joining Mumsnet, and tbh it made me wary of posting for a while. The vehemence of the parents of children who eat perfect diets was actually quite scary, and I can fully understand how SN parents must have felt. My dd has some funny eating habits too and having met a lot of children both personally and professionally, I can only conclude that either "perfect eater's" parents are very tough, or they just struck lucky!

Sorry to digress, but that has made things clearer for me anyway.

TheOneAndOnlyHUNKERMUNKER · 18/10/2006 19:00

Blu, yes, that happened with that food thread and it shouldn't have done. But there were several others around that time that went as I described. I agree totally with Cappucino and also with Harpsi (who was in turn agreeing with me - what an agreeable bunch we are ). Cappucino, you're right, I shouldn't have to add caveats to every post - but it does feel like it sometimes.

happybiggirl · 18/10/2006 19:06

Message withdrawn

TheOneAndOnlyHUNKERMUNKER · 18/10/2006 19:06

Me.

happybiggirl · 18/10/2006 19:07

Message withdrawn

coppertop · 18/10/2006 19:17

But we don't want a password-protected area. We didn't ask for one. MN suggested it. And so far I haven't seen anyone on here saying that they do want one.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/10/2006 19:21

I have to say, (and yes, I know I have had a lot to say about this), that I have felt, over recent months, the very same as hunker and harpsi.

I think I spoke at some length on board a while ago with regard to how I feel.

I could point you in the direction of one or two examples of what Harpsi referred to Socci, if you wish - will do it off board though - please cat me? (I dont want to stir up feeling or argument about things further - you can decide for yourself).

I recall also a circumstance where a "heated" discussion was going on between an "SN parent" poster, and an "NT" parent poster about something not directly related to an SN topic, and someone chipped in with something like "How dare you question this poster - she deals with SN issues every day, etc etc you have no right"

Now - I know that things relating to that were "resolved" and folk kissed and made up, but, ALOT of people saw that post, and it has stuck in their minds. The same way that "insensitive" posts towards SN issues have stuck in the minds of some posters too.

I think, what I am trying to say is that it seems that everyone is just being so aggressive, and very defensive and until people start relaxing, and not taking things so personally, or spend all their time tying themselves in knots about saying the "right thing" its not going to get sorted any time soon. In the meantime, the posters who usually "stir" up trouble continue to do so happily whilst we sit here going round in circles.

Little S - I was quite sure that was what you meant, but, I perversely thought it was worth pointing out the sensitive steps that Harpsi and Hunker and I do before posting. Thank you for clarifying though

Peachy - you are lovely. Don't worry - I'm glad you have clarified.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/10/2006 19:25

I wonder if an "anti-parp" would be better on some of the food threads mentioned.

Although instead of posting parp - you simply post "NAH" (Not Applicable Here)?

FrannyandZooey · 18/10/2006 19:26

I feel this discussion is clearing the air a little, or has the potential to at least.

I am impressed by the careful and sensitive way people are expressing their feelings. This can be a great place for communication and support - and it often is.

I just wanted to say something positive at a time when I know many many people are feeling extremely low about MN.

TwigTwoolett · 18/10/2006 19:29

Its the 'them' and 'us' that is developing that I can't stand tbh.

I've always simply felt we were all just mothers (ok some dads too) bumbling along as best as we can and that all our experiences were equally valid and equally valued by one and all

I've always understood the need to just scream and shout too

In the final analysis I think its too late ... the damage has already been done .. the posters I enjoyed talking to on SN have already decided to go elsewhere to discuss their deepest issues .. which also means that people like me who felt they 'knew' them and had a relationship with some of them begin to realise how much I deluded myself

I do think the SN board being taken off active convos would be useful but beyond that .. I don't know .. I feel its too little, too late and I'm sorry for that

zippitippitoes · 18/10/2006 19:34

well I don't think it's ever too late to build bridges..if we can't do it at this micro level then how do we expect our real communities outside the front door to manage..

and Blu is doing a very good job as arbitrator I think

Cappuccino · 18/10/2006 19:36

I think taking it off active convos just reinforces the 'them' and 'us' tbh Twig

if the people who were unhappy have gone anyway as you suggest, why are we altering it at all? they'd already set up a yahoo group I think

I don't go to special needs normally - usually I see it only in active convos. If I see a thread I'm interested in or which I think I could be of help with then I join in. I treat having an sn child as part of my regular life; both here and on mumsnet

I'm sure there must be other people in a similar situation

FioFio · 18/10/2006 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Cappuccino · 18/10/2006 19:50

then rant, fio

and if the feckers come on with stupid ignorant attitudes just tell them to get lost

or ignore them completely

I want to rant too sometimes but I don't want to do it in secret; I want to stand on top of a hill to do it

I understand that it's hard being attacked or misunderstood but I don't give a monkeys, I don't think we should, I think we should do it more, louder, and in public till they just get used to it

tigermoth · 18/10/2006 20:10

FWIW, I am really against password protected areas. I don't like the idea of mumsnet publically condoning a secrecy element. Groups who want to discuss topics in private can use email or MSN.

I am saying this as someone who is a non controversial poster here. I have never lost my temper (yet!) on mumsnet and to the best of my knowledge people don't single me out as a troublemaker and I have no sworn enemies stalking the boards. I have no reason to believe anyone would find me interesting enough to talk about secretly.

I do not open my heart on mumsnet. When I start threads I go for the relatively impersonal or trivial. For example, I recently asked for advice about my son being nervous in having to sing a solo from 'The Snowman' on stage. Now that IS trivial and the thread could easily have been ridiculed. I braced myself. On the whole I had lots of good advice.

If there was a password protected area, I would feel less sure about this. It would be all too easy for someone to start a thread referring obliquely to this so called 'problem' with lots of spitful comments following.

Blu, I know that the reason for having a yurt type area is for people to open up about sensitive subjects to a sympathetic audience. But look at mumsnet - discussions and arguments happen off tangent on any topic. That's part of mumsnet's appeal. People do not stick rigidly to the topic. Why should I believe that people with passwords to a secret SN area will stick rigidly to SN topics and stop a discussion the minute it strays from SN?

I realise my viewpoint is less important than the viewpoint of someone going through a deep crisis with an SN child, but it IS a view and this is the place to state it, I think.

If people do decide to have a password protected area, at least can the discussions be open to view, even if people cannot post on them - I add my support to this earlier suggestion. Or if not, can the area to be closely moderated when inevitably discussions stray off topic.

Blu · 18/10/2006 20:45

The people who have found it harder to post about sensitive / emotive issues are still here - they haven't gone - but they do say they find it harder to be very open. but they are still here. Personally, I think it is only natural that on a much bigger, busier site, people will be less 'cosy' about some things and more aware that it is the www. So , Twig, and others, I honestly don't think you should feel that it is you, or any well known and supportive or interested visitor to the sn board. These posters are all active in other areas of the board to, and have, and contribute to a great time. But it must be harder to have a bigger constituency to explain things to, more downright awkward people than in the old days (just by sheer average of numbers) - and many mums of sn children often comment that they want to come to MN to realx and have a break...not have to explain, or challenge, when they see something a bit discriminatory.

CicoPops - they are not using 'codes' to be awakward, but they must use these terms all the time to get advice and mutual support...the more people visit, the more often they must explain the acronyms. No-one's fault - and they do always explain if asked - but maybe not in the heat of needing urgent advice form someone who is experienced enough to give it to them. i.e not you and not me. They can give eacj other very expert advice in a specialised area - i think we need to remember that.

Perhaps we older. experienced Mn-ers could assist with that a bit more? The general explaining. Dunno.

Also - Coppertops point below: although mums of sn children (mosnc...a new code!!) have said they feel less able to post certain things, and exhausted by explaining (and no doubt flipped thier lids occasionally) they have not asked for A passworded area. It was a suggestion made constructivey buy MNHQ, for consultation...so please please can we not let the consultation become an exacerbating factor in the development of any 'them and us' situation?

Is there really a very bad problem anyway? There was a row...completely over-heated on many sides, and it wasn't actually 'sn' ranged against 'nt' - many people defending one of the positions were NOT mosnc, anyway. Of course personal abuse shouldn't happen, and needs to be deleted, whoever it comes from...but there have been plenty of big rows on mn before - and many of the people involved in all this (from a mixture of viewpoints), particularly the after-shocks, are intelligent, articulate and are well able to take care of themselves. And most of all, don't want a divide, do want mosnc to feel suopprted, ARE sensitive, and are appreciated and acknowledged as being important to people who use the sn board. this has been said lots of times in the past few days!

Anyway, you'll be glad to hear that I am boring myself stupid with all this reasonableness now...and I'm not always reasonable anyway ...so I'm going to listen / read more and post / say less.....which as a principle think might go a long way to make things better, geberally!

Good luck MNHQ with your consultation...I'm off to other threads!

Blossomhowl · 18/10/2006 20:50

Awww Blu you are so lovely
You always talk so much sense, thank you xxx

cocopopshater · 18/10/2006 21:12

Blu - I didnt accuse anyone of trying to be awkward, just stating a fact, which possibly contributes to why people see the SN boards as a bit of a clique (and why they themselves seem to feel like a clique). Thank you for the key, Peachy btw!
My own opinion is there are faults on both sides. People have made inappropriate and sometimes annoying posts where they dont have any experience of SN. But in other threads, SN parents have made some posts that are out of order.

cocopopshater · 18/10/2006 21:15

just re-read what I posted just now, and the logical conclusion would be to provide some more general information about Special needs, maybe some double anonymous or made up case studies, plus key to codes, as an introduction to the whole subject, which is more specialised than most things discussed on MN.

Socci · 18/10/2006 21:21

Message withdrawn

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 18/10/2006 21:24

Crikey.

I posted on the other thread saying I thought it was a good idea.. but maybe, judging by some of the opinions on this thread, that's just selfish of me??

How can a password protecting area hurt anyone?? People who are saying 'why SN in particular?' sound as if they're jealous in some way! (???) I don't get it personally. If the main SN boards were still here.. where is the problem?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/10/2006 21:27

Okay. I wont get it at least until I get home from work, but I will reply - even if its not till tomorrow

Socci · 18/10/2006 21:33

Message withdrawn

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 18/10/2006 21:37

lol Blu - I think you've been most patient

tigermoth · 18/10/2006 21:48

shineyhappy etc, for me the problem is secrecy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread