Do you think it's a good idea to have a non-public, password-protected area for special needs parents to vent?

[JustineMumsnet]

Following on for the discussion on this thread we'd like to know your thoughts.
For a little while now some of our special needs parents have said they don't feel Mumsnet is working for them in certain situations when they need to vent/rant/talk honestly about their situations and we've been thinking about whether there's anything structurally we can do to help. We feel very strongly that the special needs boards are a core part of Mumsnet and indeed for most of the last six years have been an exemplar of what we're all about - a place where parents can gain support and tap the experience of others to make their lives' easier. That said, we do understand that special needs parents are under extraordinary pressure and therefore more than most could do with a bit of privacy to vent when needed.
One idea that has been raised is a private, password-protected area for special needs parents on Mumsnet. This area would not be automatically visible to all but those who wanted to join could do so - though obviously you wouldn't have to join to discuss special needs - the existing public boards would remain. Clearly this is a break from the norm for Mumsnet and in some ways it feels an anathema because as we all know Mumsnet is an open forum and free access to all who need it is one of our underlying principles. But it's clear the current format is not working for many and if it's not helpful then we need to change things. We've thought about it a lot and feel it could be worth a try.
So what do you think? Special needs crowd, would this work for you do you think? Would you use it? NT parents how do you feel about it? Is it worth a go?
Let us know...
Thanks,
Mumsnet Towers

Blu, can I just say you have been the voice of calm reason on this long and fraught thread? I think your posts have been very helpful, especially to latecomers.

blu
swoon

Socci, very few people think like that , but I fully appreciate how just one post can hurt very badly.
I too hope keeping SN out of Active Conversations helps the situation. I've already had one example this morning of suggesting to a poster in Health she try the SN board too, and she found it and posted OK

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Yes, I just came back to the thread to post again because I reread your post and thought that may have been what you meant.

I was working from the threads I've seen where the OP says something "shocking" about lunchboxes and bear face ham and then lots and lots of posters say "yeah, but had you considered children with SN" when actually, it's pretty irrelevant to what's actually being discussed at the time (and I'm NOT saying children with SN are irrelevant, just for clarification).

REALLY hesitating about posting now - again. Think I ought to stick to talking about snoods!

And yes, I agree about segregation. And I can see why posts about NT concerns would make someone posting about SN concerns roll their eyes and/or be worried about posting their own questions or experience.

Just reading soccis thread and I feel that its awful to post on here that your kid only eats chips (with DS its just sausages!!) because you get people that say - oh god my DCs only eat organic houmous you must starve your child from here on in!! But then if someone posts with a child with SNs problems with food I don't feel any different, it gives me a reality check sometimes though about what I am moaning about - that most of the time it is a phase with DS when their child may not grow out of it because of their SNs.

Oh I don't know its hard to put into words - in that its a problem they need help with and are asking for that help or just somewhere to vent - To be honest I am on her so little now that there are only a handful of people that I know and very few who have SN children. Butplease don;t bar people without SN children from your threads I feel they do so much in educating people to the problems you go through and what you have to face to get help and support in going about your every day lives.

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Socci - would that be the same poster that has been on teh Charlotte thread?

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I'm just almost too speechless and tired about the way that this has been going to post

I can't see why - and I might get flak for this - everyone's posts or points have to apply to everyone. Why does Jamie Oliver, who is trying to do a Good Thing, come under fire for not knowing everything there is to know about sn and food? Why should hunker feel she has to stick caveats onto all her posts?

I post where the hell I please. I posted the other day on a thread where people were bleating on about how easy their life was now their kids were over 5 to say hang on, mine's not - I had a right to join in - but I didn't join in going 'but none of you have mentioned sn children and how heavy they are getting, you're not sensitive to my needs you thoughtless NT bastards'

I know that having a child with sn is difficult and upsetting and frustrating sometimes but if people want to vent, off they go to msn. I don't agree with all the points made on the sn board - sometimes people on there say things I don't agree with myself. I don't get into any arguments cos it's hard enough doing this without being attacked

I just don't see why I can't be a parent, why we all just can't be parents. I have a NT and an SN child and I will post with blitherings about my NT child's sleep patterns as well as my SN child's eating

and who knows - who ever knows - when any NT child is suddenly going to be diagnosed sn. For a good number of us we didn't start off knowing. What do we do then - when we're struggling to cope with this massive and devastating news - we also have to negotiate the hidden hinterland that is the special needs board and sneak off to a land that is so weird and scary we know that NT mothers must fear to tread?

VVVQV

Just to say, although it was ages ago now, I didn't mean mumsnets general population lacked empathy and understanding, although I know that is what I said!

Came out wrong, all wrong! I guess I kind of meant that for some there have been too many cases where some posters have lacked those qualities and those cases are tipping the balance for some sn parents.

Anyway, not making much sense but I just wanted to say I didn't mean it, I know most are understanding etc etc!

Am glad sn has been taken off active convos, I hope it helps.

I think it sucks that sn has been taken out of active convos

I really do

Cappucino,
you have expressed very well how I feel.
TBH ime and imo there has been a lot of that lately, enough to make me (I can only speak for me) feel uncomfortable (as hunker says) and conscious of caveating everything and being very circumspect if I make any comment on anything to do with parenting without making 100% clear that I am not talking about X or Y. After a while it is just too draining to have to keep explaining myself and being sighed at because of my ignorance and narrow mindedness. it is hurtful and tiring.

I should say "ignorance" and "narrow mindedness" but of course that is the point in issue

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More clarifying...if that's ok.

A recent food thread is a very good example if what CAN happen.

A poster who has a SN child started a thread about her child's very narrow diet, and the difficulty of this in the light of JO dinners at school.

Diets are often very restricted with children on the AS because they have extreme reatcions to some textures, colours etc.

Loads of peope piled in with a fairly MN-ish response, with 'well MY child wouldn't be allowed to get away with it / don't pander / it's your own responsibility, how did s/he ever discover xyz food in the first place...and all sorts of advice which simply wasn't appropriate, even though it was kindly offered. Many of the posters hadn't noticed it was under 'SN', and then some couldn't grasp it...more explaining needed etc etc. No big bust up, iirr, just another 'swimimg uphill through custard' thread for the mothers concerned. It wasn't 'sn parents' piling on to a general food thread.

There have been a couple of islolated incidents of the SN issue being pushed with high octane in 'general' threads, but is that enough to establish a whole reputation for a whole diversity of parents?

I haven't seen any particluar evidence of people trawling through other threads and rolling thier eyes at lack of SN awareness.

Of course there are odd posters or posts where people amy be snippy or ranty...but that is hardly a unique trait of the SN membership!!!

Sorry to go on at length, but there is a growing tone today that parents of SN children are 'the problem' in all this...and I don't see the evidence for that, and if people are sincere in regretting the upset, and not wanting to lose a very valuable resource in the knowledge and experience of these parents, then this isn't the way to go about getting peace and harmony restored.

I think I am one of the ones guilty for jumping in saying what about Sn. Can I make a few point....

1. I have a tendency to do it when I have PMT. Sorry

2. With JO threads, his campaign DID adverselya ffect Sn because of the way it was applied in Sn schools, the threads prompted me to write to him and explain, and PERHAPS inform.

3. The other reason I sometimes jump in, is the occasions when I'm out and about and I give DS something shite to eat; I feel guilty about it (DS2 and 3 usually munching on something good and organic ats ame time) and I get The Looks. I think, well, maybe they're on MN? And then I get paranoid and..... well you know

I ahve tried to stop doing it though, at least until I nect get PMT

sorry

another vote for taking special needs off the active topics.

I used to read the SN threads, and learned a lot from them, but havent done so for some time now. They all talk in code that I dont understand (NT, DX, SALT, etc etc) and - hope this doesnt flame, but you may as well know - there is a small group who seems to want to reiterate constantly that they have the moral high ground in some way. I appreciate that these people live day to day under huge stress, so I don't want to provoke them, but that is how it comes across.

socci, tbh, yes. I wouldn't say it otherwise. I am slightly emboldened by what hunker sai, which made me feel slightly less alone in this feeling. (sorry hunker)
remember I am on here a LOT but yes it does happen regularly enough for me to get bit of a knot in my stomach about it when I have posted something seemingly innocuous.
I hesitated many many times before saying it because I am afraid it seems trivial.
maybe it does seem trivial depending on your perspective.
but it certainly inhibits debate.
imo.

Good point about the code

NT- neurotypical / non SN
DX- diagnosis
SALT- speecha nd language therapy
AS- ASpergers
HFA / LFA - high / low functioning autism
CP- cerebral palsy
BIBIC- british institute for brain injured children- do therapy programs a number of our kids follow

I do wonder if it all alienates newbies to the boards, but it can take so looong to type it all too

harpsi

if I do it again (And i know I do) just think, oh she's got PMT

BLu, yes that is a very unfortunate example and must have been very upsetting for those concerned. hopefully the posters in Q would not be so insensitive again.

I am all for restoring peace and harmony, blu, however before reconciliation comes truth I think, and before a happy solution is reached it is important to see from all perspectives in a calm and balanced way.
again, imo.

peachy
I don't want to whinge.
I certainly don't want to go over old ground.
we are ALL allowed a bad day or two or three or even more.
more love, less knuckles I reckon.

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