Do you think it's a good idea to have a non-public, password-protected area for special needs parents to vent?

[JustineMumsnet]

Following on for the discussion on this thread we'd like to know your thoughts.
For a little while now some of our special needs parents have said they don't feel Mumsnet is working for them in certain situations when they need to vent/rant/talk honestly about their situations and we've been thinking about whether there's anything structurally we can do to help. We feel very strongly that the special needs boards are a core part of Mumsnet and indeed for most of the last six years have been an exemplar of what we're all about - a place where parents can gain support and tap the experience of others to make their lives' easier. That said, we do understand that special needs parents are under extraordinary pressure and therefore more than most could do with a bit of privacy to vent when needed.
One idea that has been raised is a private, password-protected area for special needs parents on Mumsnet. This area would not be automatically visible to all but those who wanted to join could do so - though obviously you wouldn't have to join to discuss special needs - the existing public boards would remain. Clearly this is a break from the norm for Mumsnet and in some ways it feels an anathema because as we all know Mumsnet is an open forum and free access to all who need it is one of our underlying principles. But it's clear the current format is not working for many and if it's not helpful then we need to change things. We've thought about it a lot and feel it could be worth a try.
So what do you think? Special needs crowd, would this work for you do you think? Would you use it? NT parents how do you feel about it? Is it worth a go?
Let us know...
Thanks,
Mumsnet Towers

Message withdrawn

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Exactly socci and also you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel with issues like feeding etc (I am not belittling as any parent worry is important IMO).

Really annoys me this them and us attitude. Just remember special needs can happen to anyone and is not a lifestyle choice.

As a young mum of 24 with no family history when dd was born I certainly didn't think it would happen to me but it did.

My ds had sleeping problems in his first year and yes it was awful but eventually he grew out of them and looking back it was a bad "phase" but was exactly that! My dd's sn is unfortunately not a phase but something that will affect her her whole life. Try living with that thought on a day to day basis.

FWIW..my sister has a SN child (so my loved nephew), and so does
my best friend..both of them battle to maintain them in 'main stream' concerns, and fight ALL the time to maintain their indepencence..to create a, what my sister and b.friend would undoubtedly view as a, "ghetto"..is contrary to all that they have done to make the rest of the world see their loved ones as "normal and accepted" as part of life....a disengaged section is pretty indictful of this sites failing in this regard?? In my v. humble opinion...

oh Pann - I've been thinking of way to say that all day!

Thanks and obviously agree

So on the one hand you don't want it "them" and "us" and on the other "nobody who doesn't have a child with SN can ever understand".

You can't have it both ways - it's not logically possible.

I do realise that feeding issues resolve themselves, but they don't always resolve themselves satisfactorily - ie somebody may very well be pushed into ffeeding when they desperately wanted to bfeed and to belittle that by saying "oh well, it's fine, they don't drink milk forever!" is pretty glib, IMO. As I say, women STILL feel angst about this lack of choice years later.

hm ~ "nobody who doesn't have a child with SN can ever understand".
Did I say that?

Honestly because if I did I don't remember!

no probs ghouly..bit surprised at the proposal tbh..I read some of the SN threads at times, sad it comes to this...

Oh good GOD! If a few members of mumsnet who use the special needs board want an additional special needs section where they can post sometimes, does it really matter that much to everyone else?

I use special needs, I don't want a seperate password protected section, I won't use it, but I don't mind that anyone else might want to use it now and then if they feel the need.

What the chuffing hell does it matter to anyone else anyway?
Why would anyone stand in the way of a small handful of mumsnetters who have children who have special needs venting/ranting/sharing/crying/supporting each other in a more private environment.
Why can't mumsnet offer this service if they so wish?
Why do any of you care enough, or not care enough about other mumsnetters, to not give this your blessing or at the very least just not mind?

Beats me.

Mumsnet - just email the people you think would like it and would benefit and give them the passsword and don't involve anyone else, it's no-one elses business imo.

And I don't think any one situation should be compared to another, it's not fair on anyone and doesn't help, that's my say on the subject. Everyone's problems are relative in other other words.

Socci, Blossom - you are missing the point horrendously here.

The fact is, a problem is a problem at the time it is a problem. We can ALL look back on most problems and say "ah, that wasnt so bad" or "yes, it worked out fine in the end" but, im sorry - it just doesnt feel like it at the time. Elsewise we wouldnt deem it as a problem, would we?

With that in mind, yes, it gives us some kind of insight as to what you go through on a daily basis, but, whenever a person feels badly about something, they dont feel badly because they have some kind of forethought/foresight that it will be better in the future, do they? We would never worry about most things at all then, would we?

If anyone had said to me after 4 weeks of enduring agonising (i sobbed with every single b/feed) thrush and mastitis, "dont worry, its only another 4 weeks and then you will finally be prescribed the appropriate medication, and thus be pain free in 6 weeks from now". Well, life just doesnt work like that does it? I sure as hell wouldnt have felt any better about it at the time.

My time was spent all consumed with the countdown to the next agonising feed. No, that isnt the same as living with an SN child on a daily basis. However, it was a problem that caused me considerable distress over a period of time, which, undoubtedly contributed to the PND that I suffered later. For which I am still on AD's for. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Sure as hell didnt help me at the time. Its the same for EVERYONE.

The special needs section in general will still exist, still be open to everyone, but there will also be an additional place for a few memeber to go to if they prefer, to discuss things they feel are particularly sensitive. At least that is my interpration of the idea suggested by mumsnet.

I really don't want to "get at" anyone.

I do think that for every poster who posts carelessly, there are a score of others who are eggshelling over their posts - I know I've written and rewritten this one.

I'm hesitating over mentioning the last line of your last post on this thread - where you say "try living with that thought on a day to day basis". I can't try it. I don't want to try it. I wish you didn't have to try it. I don't know what to say, so I usually say nothing. And in the spirit of recent threads, that's probably wise.

But it does mean that the "fightier" posters get more thread-time than they otherwise would, because I'm shit-scared of upsetting somebody with an ill-judged word. I'm really really hesitating about posting this with "I don't want to try it" in it - I'm NOT commenting on your child, simply saying that the only children I can imagine having are my own NT ones and the idea of them having SN is unbearable because the only way I know them is as NT children - oh fgs, I'm getting myself in knots.

The upshot of it is that if parents of children with SN would rather have a part of MN that is password protected, then so be it. I don't know if this is in keeping with MN, since there is already an off-board place that MNers post anyway, so I'm not sure what purpose it would serve. And I'm not sure that there wouldn't be, as someone else has said on this thread, endless arguments about what the entry criteria should be (plus if somebody is willing to troll and pretend that they've had a premature baby or stillbirth to provoke reactions, I'm quite sure that there will be trolls in the SN section at some point or another - possibly it would be MORE open to that sort of thing than the rest of the site because potential trollers may view it as a challenge. I don't know. I'm surmising).

Anyway. I don't want to fight with anyone on here. I've stopped posting as much recently because there are too many oojymoojymummytwinklefluff people on here and I'm feeling curmudgeonly about it. Other people call them newbies

i am one of those women who you describe, hunker, and i will still feel angst about ff i am sure for some time, but with the absolute greatest respect i do think it's okay for a parent of a child with SN to think 'oh ffs i wish that was all i had to worry about' and in fact it's not always the worst thing in the world for someone to remind you to count your blessings. but then maybe the 'SN parents would feel patronised by my saying that? god, i don't know anymore...

To be honest i was reminded of this when an old friend from school had a little baby who was starved of oxygen when he was born and now has CP... this was nearing the end of my bfing traumas and it very much helped to put my issues with bfing into some kind of pespective. (not permanently, as you know they have a tendency to leak back out again when nasty bf/ff debates rage...)

i am saddened, though, that so many of the mums of children with SN feel so 'got at' by those of us with (at the moment) NT children. I always thought that by and large we all muddled along well, and in fact was impressed by how diverse the boards are. i just hope that the decision to drop out of active convos will go some distance to solving the problem... and then if people like Thomcat etc want to share their news they might do so in Chat so that lots of people might see it?

VVVQV - If you posted about your bf troubles and more than one poster came on and said, well why are you doing it? why dont you stop just trying and give your LO formula...your only doing it because you want the extra attention or to feel better than other FF.

how would you feel?

because that is the sort of comments that are made on some SN threads. they aren't just comments that you can forget about once the pc switches off.

hunker i was responding to your previous post, we just x-posted. having read what i wrote though in the context of hunker's last post i feel like i'm getting myself in knots too trying to understand all this and say things 'properly'. i hope this can be resolved to the satifaction of the parents of sn children and at this point i bow out as i just don't feel like we're really getting anywhere any more. kindest regards to all, h.

Its absolutely anyones right to think such things Aitch.

I think ALL posters have the responsibility to post with sensitivity though. Whatever their circumstances.

I am in favour of anything that the regular posters on the SN board think appropriate to resolve this.

talk about bowing out reminds of the Japanese(?) each bowing to the other (no after youuuu) on and on it goes each not wanting to offend the other

likewise, vvvqv.

Nobodies life is ever always harder than everyone elses. smal worries for one person are large worries for another. what type of worry is worse? A short intense worry or a longer term worry? this is doing my head in tbh.

joolstoo

If it doesn't work it doesn't work but if it helps, even for a short time, and the demand is there and mumsnet have the ability to provide the service, then go for it. It shouldn't effect anyone who doesn't want to use this additional private space.

However, so far I'm not sure I see any takers for this private space but think SN's coming off active convos has had a positive reaction, so we could all be banging on for absolutley no reason, it may not even happen!

Oh give me strength!

I DID have comments levelled at me like that Fattie, only, in RL. I finally got help when I rang the BFN in floods one evening because I didnt know what to do - 20 minutes to next feed and I was in bits. I hadnt found MN back then.

I have batted off some rather ignorant comments about extended b/feeding here too. "child abuse" adn "freak" spring to mind, to name just a few. Also, I have spent many many hours clarifying the urban myths about rape and assualt on here in my time too, only to find 2 minutes later someone strolls up and posts the same, ignorant comment about a girl being stupidly drunk or something. ALL of those thoughts dont leave me either. Ever. These are things in MY REAL LIFE.

I DO understand why you are upset. I get hurt over comments too. I dont even know why I have to clarify this....We all feel pain and hurt dont we? We have THAT much in common, surely?

My time to bow out of this.

I actually don't want there to be a passworded section on mn, never have said I did.

I have lots of support in the real world and been on a few meet ups with some of the mums who post on sn and I am sure it will continue.

I am actually really happy with my life right now and all of this is pissing me off and I can't let that happen.

It's going round and round in circles and is becoming extremely boring IMO.

It's a tangled world wide web we weave.

A stupid analogy and please do forgive me, but I am worrying about a flight to Hawaii with two small dds. How lucky am i to be able to go? I saw a man at the bus stop today struggling with a double buggy and a toddler at 7:20 in the morning. As I said, a ridiculous analogy. I have learnt so much from people like Jimjams and when I worried about my younger dd she was so supportive, huge advice and support. No issue about my very stupid questions.