There's a real problem on the SN boards

[GobbySadcase]

For a long time now I've been really saddened that I've not been able to post on the SN boards.

I took a brief foray into there when I was a newb years and years ago now and got my head bitten off because I have my own way of doing things with my children. I thought it would be a supportive, empathetic, inclusive place to be.

It happened at a time I was particularly fragile, so I retreated to the main boards thinking it was just me.

Having got to know some other parents who also have children with disabilities I discovered this was not the case. At least five others have left for the exact same reason.

Tonight I responded to a post which stated that I was somehow failing my children. The thread had been moved from a main board, I repeat I do not routinely go to the SN board due to the way posters have behaved to me there on three occasions now. In return I got a personal attack. Someone else backed me, they got further personal attacks.

Neither me or the others who have been attacked retaliated. We stated our views calmly and logically and got MEGA CAPITALS in return.

It seems to be becoming more and more nasty and confrontational on there as time goes on. My concern is that a parent undergoing the diagnostic process or with a newly diagnosed child is vulnerable, and as even saying you want to explore all options is a heinous crime on there may get attacked at a time that really isn't good for them.

I even specifically tell parents I know in RL not to go there, and why.

Thing is, what can be done?

I didn't feel picked on ZigZag, DS is 19 now and we've had years of making him understand that if you are pissed off, you can't just go stomping and raging. Recognise that the frustration/meltdown is valid and know that you have choices....he's almost got it.
Working in a shop with some lovely ladies of mature years and some downright bitches of mature years has enabled him to study the variety of responses humans are capable of. And know that throwing one through the window is not an option.

Amberleaf I read the post you mentioned and in my opinion you misunderstood it.

what happened after that should not have happened. But as NBC has pointed out it was one poster. One, not the whole of SN board.

Im certainly not tarring and feathering the entire SN community.

I have said that already.

Some of you are just not getting how encountering a poster like that and having their ire directed at you, can put you off the board as a whole. That and the excusing of crap like that because in other ways the person is a good egg.

It puts some people off, why is that being dismissed?

Amberleaf I read the post you mentioned and in my opinion you misunderstood it

Just me? or everyone else who also took exception to it?

I really don't think anyone misunderstood it at all, further evidenced by wets almost repeat of the same sentiment, which was if anything, even more judgy.

But why would encountering one poster put someone off a whole board? it isn't routinely said about any other board.

I hav come across some real shockers on AIBU. But it makes me avoid the posters, and some threads, rather than the whole board.

likewise Feminism, or other boards.

there is no party line on SN. there is a diverse group of posters, with children with a diverse spread of needs. there are uncountable different interventions, and methods being used.

but one poster and one thread is being held up as a thread which will put off innumerable posters?

I don't get it.

I hope I don't come across as tarring the whole of the SN boards either.

I'm looking at it more from the point that this does go on elsewhere on MN, same discussions from both sides, it doesn't say anything bad about the individual posters or the board as a whole, but it's not fair to deny it happens because obviously some posters feel that it does.

I'm also equating it to the experience I've had on the MH boards, it'd be an outrage if anyone suggested vulnerable posters somehow owed something after they had support and didn't have a legitimate voice on what's being said just because they're not in a position to give advice back.

Give if you can, if you can't you've still got the right to complain/not complain about whatever you come across on the site.

NewBlue, come on, the same has been said about AIBU, the doghouse, feminism and relationships.

'Shouty' and bossy posters put people off even trying to post in certain forums. This is not anything new.

Agentzigzag You are right, that might be the case, but isn't that how communities work.

People tend to join a group, see if they fit in, if they do they stay and if they don't they move on. Thats just how the world works and I am not sure how you can change that.

Its like me going in to style and beauty and telling people there to talk about dog and hounds or whatever the forum is and then complaining because people kept talking about their sweaters?

Amberleaf I take your point about her posts, but have you got a solution apart from reporting her posts? what would you have us do?

Amber, I think that it is the general ethos of Feminism, the doghouse, AIBU etc that put people off. Not one poster (or 2, or 3).

What is usually said is that there is a party line in those boards, and if you don't agree with it, then you don't fit.

that really isn't what I see on the SN boards. take last night - one poster kicks off, and there wasn't a whole lot of support form the rest of the board. it clearly isn't a widely-held view, or a general outlook of the board.

so why would that oneposter with that one opinion put people off? why is the default not to ignore that one poster, report, challenge if you feel up to it. not damn the hwole board because of one post on one thread.

RightRoyal - I can see it is intimidating on one thread, yes. Stay and challenge if you are feelign up to it, or hide if not.

to extrapolate from that that it is the ethos of the whole board, and repeatedly comment on that across MN in unrelated situations, and across other forums in unrelated situations, is odd.

The OP's point Prof, is that she (and other posters on this thread) have said it does work like that, for them.

Unless you're saying they're insignificant and the majority is more important, you can't ignore them or argue they don't feel like that because they do.

(I wouldn't dare go in S and B, they'd eat me (in my jeans/t-shirt) alive )

Prof My solution is to challenge such posts.

I can't tell anyone else what they should do?

That's up to you. Do what you feel is right. But if you don't want to do anything, thats fine, but people shouldnt get annoyed at people who do take 'public' exception to it and don't be surprised if defending such posts makes you seem complicit.

If I see someone being an arse, Ill tell them 'you are being an arse' if that is a poster I don't 'know' or someone I am familiar with, my response would be the same.

That's what I do. Sometimes someone else standing up and saying 'thats not on' is more supportive to a person/group being attacked than just pressing report. It can also make a person think twice before posting that way again if they see that it isn't accepted.

Amber, I think that it is the general ethos of Feminism, the doghouse, AIBU etc that put people off. Not one poster (or 2, or 3

AIBU maybe yes, but feminism/doghouse, no.

Sometimes a few posters do dominate a section and it does put people off.

RightRoyal - individual posters to a point. usually with a following, or seen as 'queen bee' types to be deferred to. not individual posters mixed up amongst many other posters, with no (real or perceived) 'head girl' complex.

Amberleaf I wholeheartedly agree.

"it'd be an outrage if anyone suggested vulnerable posters somehow owed something after they had support and didn't have a legitimate voice on what's being said just because they're not in a position to give advice back."

I disagree. It's not about a legitimate voice.

These people are hiding in the background and having a spokesperson who comes on and says 'oh and my mates say so too', when attacking the regular posters on MNSN.

How would you feel if you were giving support on the MH boards, from your position of fragile but relative strength, then had someone come on to say 'your advice is crap, you upset a whole load of people, and they won't even tell you that because they're too scared'?

How exactly do we defend ourselves??

Even in court, a person is allowed to know who has accused them of a crime.

but AMber, I don't think there is a situation where the SN boards are dominated by certain posters. so not a comparable situation, imo.

this is about one poster on one thread. not one poster on many threads, or many posters on one/many threads.

completely different from the 'few posters dominating a section' scenario.

NewBlue the comparison is not about board domination, it is about a minority putting people off a whole board.

Amberleaf No, it is about one person on one thread..