There's a real problem on the SN boards

[GobbySadcase]

For a long time now I've been really saddened that I've not been able to post on the SN boards.

I took a brief foray into there when I was a newb years and years ago now and got my head bitten off because I have my own way of doing things with my children. I thought it would be a supportive, empathetic, inclusive place to be.

It happened at a time I was particularly fragile, so I retreated to the main boards thinking it was just me.

Having got to know some other parents who also have children with disabilities I discovered this was not the case. At least five others have left for the exact same reason.

Tonight I responded to a post which stated that I was somehow failing my children. The thread had been moved from a main board, I repeat I do not routinely go to the SN board due to the way posters have behaved to me there on three occasions now. In return I got a personal attack. Someone else backed me, they got further personal attacks.

Neither me or the others who have been attacked retaliated. We stated our views calmly and logically and got MEGA CAPITALS in return.

It seems to be becoming more and more nasty and confrontational on there as time goes on. My concern is that a parent undergoing the diagnostic process or with a newly diagnosed child is vulnerable, and as even saying you want to explore all options is a heinous crime on there may get attacked at a time that really isn't good for them.

I even specifically tell parents I know in RL not to go there, and why.

Thing is, what can be done?

Pub threads could disappear after a month too.

I must live in a parallel universe.

In 3 years, I have had advice about gdd, hypotonia, seizures, heart defects, swallowing problems, lung problems, speech delay, behavioural problems, separation anxiety, genetic testing, mri scans, sleep studies, melatonin, reflux, eating issues, sensory processing difficulties, EEG's, dyslexia, anxiety, statementing, dla forms, etc etc.

I don't do ABA, or PECs, I don't really know what Tinsley House is, my ds doesn't have ASD - but I have never felt excluded or sidelined or as though I should be following some 'party line'.

I have found friendship and a shoulder to cry on, a place to celebrate when ds has made progress and friendly voices in the middle of long lonely nights in hospital with ds.

I have hopefully been able to offer support, friendship and advice in return. I don't think I have ever been nasty or bullying let alone brusque (hell in 7 years of being on mn I have had 1 post deleted, and then only because I'd repeated something that someone else said that had already been deleted!)

I can think of 2 threads I have seen on the board where there has been a big spat, around the This Is My Child Campaign - the same accusations of bullying and mean girls was made then.

If there is an atmosphere of nastyness and confrontation, I have honestly not seen it, and I am sorry that people have felt that. The thread title says that there is a real problem on the sn boards, and Gobby says that there are posters who won't post because of the 'mean girls' (I would love to know who the mean girls are?!) - I am saddened that threads like this give the impression of a board full of hard faced bitches, because that is not the case and I would hate people to be put off from posting. I also find it insulting because I spend an awful lot of time there (a little too much time) and I know I am not a 'mean girl'.

topics wise - sn chat, sn children (older and younger) and adults with disabilities ??

Polter seems logical and workable...

I don't think it is possible to get the perfect system but i do think it needs something a litter better then what is there atm. And to me that sounds like a sensible suggestion.

I wonder if it couldn't be just divided into two.

Disabilities and SNs: Info and Support

Disabilities and SNs: Chat

The pub thread is already in chat, so that works fine. I don't have any issue at all with children and adult threads being mixed, although I can see why some might. Some of our posters that have children with disabilities are also adults with disabilities. And it's nice to have a good mix of people with different insights IMO.

I know. It's difficult.

Maybe we just need:

Disabilities and SNs: These will go poof in 30 days

Disabilities and SNs: These will stay around forever and ever.

And people often tend to choose whether to post in chat or not depending on whether they want the thread to persist (some definitely don't some definitely do, so they can refer back to it), rather than because of anything else they're looking for by posting.

Alice, I've got two children, both adult both with AS.
There are several other LT posters with adult children.

Then maybe we should just have

Disabilities and SNs: Chat

Disabilities and SNs: Info

Support is pretty much for both boards, so this would mean INFO stays around a long time, and CHAT goes poof in 90 days. Basic, easy, and just make it clear which subsection poofs, and people can post based on whether or not they want it to hang around or not.

I'm honestly quite happy to have adults and children lumped together. My children will one day be adults, and those that are adults now can often provide good insight into issues with children. Win-win.

The trouble is, that MNHQ were asked to make the SN:Teens/Adults section because some posters felt that they couldn't post about their teen/adult on a board that was populated with parents of younger children and wanted their own 'home'. Then, once that was done, those same posters got upset that there wasn't much traffic on the SN:Teens/Adults section

Whatever you do, you will find someone who doesn't agree and is offended.

I don't post threads in chat because I want to be able to refer back to them. Other people do post in chat, because they don't want to have them found in 1/3/7 years.

I've never said empathy isn't good. I've never said I don't do empathy. I do, I think - I certainly try to answer posts which are emotionally unburdening rather than seeking advice. I do think that sympathy without understanding and platitudes are a waste of space - we get enough of that in the caring carrot world we live in. Nice things like 'they all get there in the end' (no, they don't actually) or 'you should try not to worry' (because they're not going to have to deal with the consequence), etc. They're like candy floss - very sweet but all fluff and no substance.

Unfortunately gobby this happens on all boards.

The ones who shout the loudest about 'not recognizing' or it's untrue that posters are often ganged up on are often the ones which are the most snippy or acidic.

You just have to report and hide the thread.

No ones going to have the same point of view all of the time, it's just a shame posters can't be civil while discussing issues.

The thing with Internet forums they are faceless, so people can be cruel or nasy with out any repercussions of how a 'gang kicking' can leave a poster.

You have to take the good with the bad, I've received fantastic support and received a flaming the next day.

lougle, you are right. Like herding cats, always on the wrong side of the door.

I just don't want to have to flip over to a different subset when my child reaches his teens. But that's just me. I still read the posts on the chat/children's SNs boards that deal with teens simply because I know at some point I'll possibly be dealing with the same problem with my own DC. Same with the adult issues. And a lot of those that may post more with teen/adult issues may be quite helpful on the child issues.

I would think we could all exist peacefully. But if some are absolutely against it, then obviously I'll just shut up.

I too think there are too many subdivisions now. I mainly go to SN: children.

zzzzz of course you're not snippy or acidic. I'm probably an acquired taste, I understand that. If people hang around long enough to 'get' me then they tend to see that I'm quite nice, really.

You've every right to feel miserable and bullied. I think it's deeply unfair for people to make accusations without backing it up and I think it should be against MN rules. Until it is, we just have to hang on to the fact that the support is there if you want it.

There's one poster probably on the tip of all our tongues. The hours spent trying to welcome, reassure, support, encourage that poster. All for the poster to turn around and say 'I'm left out. I'm isolated. None of you get what it's like.'

This subject is like a bad penny. There's always someone waiting to dig it up.

Unfortunately it is like that all over MN, as someone who has been absolutely slated in the past because of a personal grudge the only advice is to report where needed, accept some people are just like that, try not to take it personally and ignore as much as possible. Incredibly hard to do but there is little option else. Report is something that does make a different.