Husband "hates all my clothes"

[KizzyA]

My husband and I had a heart to heart yesterday. We have issues but we've decided to try and work on them. One of the things that came up - that I'm now totally fixated on - is that he "hates" all my clothes.

I've had two babies in the past 3.5 years, I've gained weight. I probably dress more covered up than I used to but I also like colour, the more modern boxy shapes and things like barrel jeans (marmite, i know!) I mostly wear barrel jeans and a plain tshirt, birkenstock style sandals, that kind of thing. He said I look 'mumsy' (duh).

I asked him to send me some things he would like to see me wear, and they are things that I hate / know wouldn't suit me. Skinny jeans, awful black capri pants, the best was a pair of very tailored dark blue jeans - but they don't look comfortable for running around after the babies, walking the dog, etc ! To me, it looks outdated and 2000s style.

I'm not going to change the way I dress for him, and he said he doesn't in any way expect me to, but I now feel even more unattractive to my husband than I did before. I'd like to find a middle ground - something I like and that he likes too. The best I could find was those Starlight Nobodys Child dresses. Anybody have any ideas? In need of some inspiration and ideas 🙏

You do lose your sense of self when you have little kids. It does come back. It’s just a short time in your life, then your kids are bigger, and you miss it all whilst you’re trying to hug an awkward tween and tell them you can’t remember what they smelled like as a baby 😄.

Ok. Clothes stuff. Apart from leggings and clogs (so much love), I’ve moved onto straight leg jeans now:
https://www.levi.com/GB/en_GB/clothing/women/jeans/straight/wedgie-straight/p/349640178
https://www.levi.com/GB/en_GB/clothing/women/jeans/straight/501-crop-jeans/p/362000335
Thicker cotton t-shirts
https://lebonshoppe.com/products/jeanne-tee-icy-grey
Loose shirts
https://www.withnothingunderneath.com/collections/weekend-shirts
Belt, French tuck of course.
Nice jewellery, nice bag. THE CLOGS.

Never wear dresses unless I’m going somewhere really nice without children. Love Reformation, Realisation Par, All Saints, The Kooples, Sézane, if money grows on trees. But realistically, I’m just not wearing fancy clothes even 5% of the time and it’s not worth it! I do have an expensive skincare regime but I’m not going to recommend that, it just stresses my DH out.

Make him go to work in a pair of freakin Capri pants and see how he likes it!

I hate fitted or even semi fitted clothes, wouldn't be seen dead in them. I have always preferred shapeless garments, and it's lovely to be able to buy them.

OP I think @MauveExpert's comment is one of the most helpful on this thread. I would follow her advice!

Hopefully the people who say they don't give a f... about what their partner thinks about their wardrobe are with someone who is entirely indifferent to it as well. I'm sure there are men who just don't notice what their partner, or women in general are wearing. However, I think this is less likely than many women on here seem to think. And more importantly I think it's just poor relationship skills to be so disparaging of a partner's perspective. There's a difference between a preference for clothes that flatter your wife's body and wanting her to be wearing skin tight mini dresses and teetering around in high heels all day. Your husband doesn't seem to be expressing a preference for Barbie type outfits so I don't think he should be vilified as sexist pig of the week :)

Possibly your choice of post title got lot's of people reading but also primed them to be thinking this might be one of those threads that starts off with something the poster feels is annoying about their husband and then by the end of a 30 odd page thread the OP realises through comments asking good questions that her husband is in fact a lying, cheating abuser and the OP is making an appointment with a divorce solicitor!

You've had some good fashion advice so I'm not sure what I can contribute, other than I recommend tencel/lyocell as a fabric - it's really soft so you get something comfortable as well as attractive.

Good luck with your shopping adventures!

He said 'kindly' that you've lost your sense of self, and your confidence.

You realise that he could have boosted both by telling you how much he loves, admires, and appreciates the woman you've grown into, and how proud he is to call you his wife?

You're so bothered by what he said that you posted here looking for some suggestions as to what's going on, and what you could do to improve your attractiveness, when you are up to your tonsils with a 3 yo and baby.

No, what he said wasn't kind.

Is he testing you, trying to see if you would change your clothes to please him?

Perhaps he wants to see how long your fuse is.

Men can be childish sometimes. Think about the 2 year old who wants to see how much patience his mother has and bangs on an upturned saucepan with a metal spoon to see how long you can stand it before you take them away?

I can’t really understand the posters saying that your dh shouldn’t criticise your clothes. It seems like it came as part of some honesty and I think that’s great! You don’t have to wear what he likes, but you do know now what he finds sexy. And so if you want him to think you look sexy then you know what to wear. I don’t think we can expect to wear what we want and for our dp’s to find us equally attractive all the time. There are certainly some items of dp’s clothes I would burn and him of mine.

ive come to a bit of a compromise, I incorporate bits I know he likes but very much still my style. It’s been quite a journey to get there but it’s better now. My changing body shape was a bit of a spanner in the works so I had an honest chat telling him that I wouldn’t feel comfortable in x or y and asked his opinions on alternatives.

sometimes I want to be utterly comfortable, sometimes I want to look cool, sometimes I was to look professional and cool, sometimes I want to look sexy for him. I get to choose what I want to look like each day.

Someone upthread suggested long skirts with T-shirts, which is a gorgeous and cool look! Zara do these lovely skirts in different colours and can be dressed down with a tee

https://www.zara.com/uk/en/satin-midi-skirt-p08338537.html?v1=468896821&v2=2420449

also wide legged trousers with a tight t shirt to balance out the width on the bottom

Do this for yourself and not for him. Go to a stylist to work out a capsule wardrobe that suits you. They will be able to tell you what's your colour, the fit you should be wearing etc. They pick out key pieces that are easy to mix and match for you so there's less thinking for you to do and you still look polished. Worth the money I think.

OP you're absolutely right; of course you'd like both to feel attractive and to be more attractive to him. He sounds lovely and both of you were being honest about what mattered to you. Attraction on both sides matters hugely to the survival of a relationship - it's blinkered to pretend it doesn't.

might a compromise on the jeans front be barrel jeans that are designed for curves? Everlane's Way-High Curve jeans are a great shape - good either with fitted t shirt or tucked in shirt

www.everlane.com/products/womens-way-high-curve-jean-mdind

If you're having an occasional date night without running after children do shirt dresses suit you? Can be v flattering on curvy women. Something like this?

www.theshirtcompany.com/products/le-marais-red-everyday-midi-shirt-dress

Sounds like a prick to me

I think what people are trying to get at is that what you said about not fancying him or not wanting sex was absolutely fair enough. Men who don't pull their weight practically or emotionally (that pretty much was your beef with him if I'm right? ) become completely unattractive. You didn't tell him you didn't fancy him because of the way he looks or how his body is. But because of his behaviour. I bet you couldn't give a flying f* about the cut of his jeans.

Whereas all he had on you was to criticise something visual. When he most probably fully well knows you might feel insecure about your weight and that effecting your self image/what you wear because so much importance is placed on how women look and not what's underneath the surface. And this man, who says he loves you and finds you attractive is saying his fancying you is conditional on what you wear. That seems so immature and superficial at this stage in your lives.

I think that's what a lot of us are seeing as a red flag and we're feeling quite protective of you.

Fwiw I think the birkenstock and barrel leg trouser look is really cool.

I hope he keeps up his end of the bargain.

I think have a fun day shopping together. I dress for myself but I also like it when my husband likes what he sees and vice versa.

Date night clothes maybe that are designed to make his eyes light up, wear what you like the rest of the time.

I was thinking that maybe he could take you shopping and help you pick out things you both like. Make it a date with dinner. Make it fun.

I've got to be honest, barrel leg jeans and Birkenstocks are pretty repellent. He wasn't wrong. Likewise if my husband grew a beard and started wearing jogging bottoms I would have to mention my dislike for them. I remember my husband mentioning a few years ago, a denim skirt I wore not being flattering and making me look older than my years, I was momentary hurt, but after taking a good look in the mirror realised he was right. He didn't want me to wear a PVC mini and matching bra, but the fit of the skirt just didn't suit me. He wasn't dictating to me what to wear, and telling me never to wear it, I didn't wear it after that because I knew it did me no favors. Likewise years ago I bought a pair of baggy (in the wrong places) jeans, they were fashionable at the time, I tried them on at home and he kind of laughed and wondered why I liked them. Tbh I knew they weren't for me when I bought them, they weren't my style at all. They were gross, but the fashion element blinded me to their uglyness. I looked like a workman on a building site. 😂

I wear wide leg jeans with short Blouses, or tuck in tshirts. The jeans are really flattering on me as I don't have a small waist, but the width at the bottom of the jeans give the illusion of a small waist, balances out my body, the short blouses that tie at the bottom also hug at the waist so it looks like I actually have a waist! It's my new favourite look.

Yes very much so apparently (not that it makes a difference to whether I would wear them or not).

I like my Freed ones - but you could look at Camper and Fitflop.

No they don’t feel like school shoes on me but maybe if you wore this style to school it would (I never did).

The straight jeans are a good alternative to skinny and more flattering (than skinny or barrel).

A more fitted scoop slash or slash neck top to tweak your current style.

Dressing like a Mum, but you are a Mum(!), not a teenager any more, maybe this is something to unpick in counselling.

Kettlewell colours do a colour quiz which is good plus colour chart, swatches and clothes in the various seasons colours

Aah, so he has no fashion awareness then!! Nothing more outdated than skinny jeans ! I'm a size 10 and I choose also to wear barrel jeans, boxy ts and birkies but I have a sneaking suspicion my very fashion aware partner still likes the Boho/ rock chick style I wouldn't be seen dead in. If you want to be 'nice' I'd maybe compromise and feminise with the top half and go for blouses / loose cardis or a super tight T with a knock out bra 😆but tbh I'd mainly think FU..his choices sound gross and you'd feel awful all round

Given the OP has said multiple times, nicely, with clear sensible explanations that she doesn’t want relationship advice then yes, your post is really fucking rude. Why do so many people think that they know more about OP’s relationship than she does based on one post that wasn’t even mainly about that?? And feel compelled to give advice when she has said multiple times please don’t, and has posted on Style and Beauty, not Relationships? It’s not just rude, but patronising.

OP I have no helpful fashion suggestions as I am middle-aged and in another country (currently hate barrel-leg, wide leg and skinny jeans on size 14-16 me - the only kind I can look ok in ime are high waisted straight legs which might work for you and go with boxy tops too) but I just wanted to say all the best. You sound intelligent, emotionally switched-on and prepared to work on things. And clearly have the patience of a saint given the way you’ve handled some of the replies on here. A 3yo and a 1yo is the absolute worst time, but with some honest communication and good will on both sides you can get through it.

Oh yes , I want to know the answer to this one.
I hope he hasnt given you a list of things he dislikes about you / or the relationship.
Did you have your say in his self improvement and his appearance.
I suppose he wants tighter more revealing clothing , showing a bit of boob ?

@KizzyA if you have Instagram watch rosiehenshawhome she has the same figure as you and shows you different looks with dresses skirts and tops etc and she looks incredible. I'm the same as you I have a 3 year old and it's hard when you lose your way. Also im 5ft 3 and the wide leg look is just horrific on me 🙈 sorry it just makes me look shorter and fatter

Loads of unhelpful comments.

KizzyA I am similar height although smaller size and I think fashion nowadays is not particularly kind to our proportions :). I also have a small child so I totally understand the challenge of dressing for comfort and not looking mumsy at the same time. Same as you I have some clothes and shoes my partner does not like (Birkenstocks as well :D), but I am not ditching them.

What I found works a bit better for my size is (my tights are also where half of my weight goes :D):
-no jeans - it is extremely difficult to find a cut that would work for my body that is not skinny; what makes matter worse is that the fabric is usually quite stiff and rigid which makes them even more unforgiving
-joggers for running around playgrounds; they are not particularly fitted so give a lot of space, but fitted enough to sit nicely on my bum; M&S has good range of joggers in petite, so you don't have an issue of fabric rolling near ankles
-I never go loose/oversize top & bottom - always 1. If I wear loose leg trousers and I am dressing for comfort I usually add more fitted top, very often something like a jersey polo shorts to make it look more 'put together', but still super comfortable: 1 2
-dresses that I can wear with trainers as well as more formal shoes, like this one
-wrap dresses - you will look amazing in them if you are hourglass

Good luck!

You have already had some pretty good suggestions but I have to say I love barrel jeans and mum jeans and they can definitely look sexy too.
Have you ever tried a light, stretchy waistcoat? They go really well with both mum jeans and barrel jeans.

There is a nice one at H&M search for “textured jersey waistcoat” on their website and you will find it. (Not sure how to add the link here!)

I don’t think men really care about fashion. They might find something attractive even if it is totally out of fashion and that is okay.
You are doing so well trying to find a compromise OP well done. I am sure it will be good for you too like you said since you need to find yourself a bit.

I am 44 and my kids are a lot older now. I lost myself in motherhood throughout my entire 30s and now I am really enjoying getting back to who I am.
Clothing is definitely part of that I love shopping for myself again.

For someone commenting on whether my post was rude or not, your vile and abrasive language to me was pretty rude yourself?!

Op has posted on a forum about her husband focusing on not liking her jeans in relationship crisis talks - it’s pretty bizarre to then take offence to people giving their opinion on this. If you don’t want people commenting on it then don’t post about it on a forum.

I hope you aren’t as aggressive with people you disagree with in real life as your jeans will be the least of your worries too.