Husband "hates all my clothes"

[KizzyA]

My husband and I had a heart to heart yesterday. We have issues but we've decided to try and work on them. One of the things that came up - that I'm now totally fixated on - is that he "hates" all my clothes.

I've had two babies in the past 3.5 years, I've gained weight. I probably dress more covered up than I used to but I also like colour, the more modern boxy shapes and things like barrel jeans (marmite, i know!) I mostly wear barrel jeans and a plain tshirt, birkenstock style sandals, that kind of thing. He said I look 'mumsy' (duh).

I asked him to send me some things he would like to see me wear, and they are things that I hate / know wouldn't suit me. Skinny jeans, awful black capri pants, the best was a pair of very tailored dark blue jeans - but they don't look comfortable for running around after the babies, walking the dog, etc ! To me, it looks outdated and 2000s style.

I'm not going to change the way I dress for him, and he said he doesn't in any way expect me to, but I now feel even more unattractive to my husband than I did before. I'd like to find a middle ground - something I like and that he likes too. The best I could find was those Starlight Nobodys Child dresses. Anybody have any ideas? In need of some inspiration and ideas 🙏

Barrel jeans don't look good on anyone at all, ever. And they actively look bad, rather than not looking good. It's confusing as to why anyone would ever wear such an item. I would throw them all out and get something else.

I feel like we need to see a pic of this well dressed, well groomed man you’re married to. He must be very stylish to pass judgement on your clothes.

Being a mother is the hardest and most exhausting job. Pregnancy and birth change your body shape. Running round after small children changes your outfit choices.

I love the M&S Lily jeans (not the ‘magic’ version) they come up to a good flattering comfy place on your waist, they stretch and the dark blue denim version can look quite smart.

At the end of the day, you can only wear what suits you, is comfortable and practical and fits your budget.

I honestly can't imagine taking anyone's opinion into account except my own when wearing clothes, apart from my employer I suppose, if they had issues with something! This idea of dressing to be attractive to my husband is so alien to me, the idea that what I wear makes any difference to how attractive he finds what is underneath. Of course you want to look nice and make the most of what you have, and hide what needs hiding, but on your terms not anyone else's. The concept that DH "loves me wearing...." say, dresses, or skinny jeans, or hates me wearing, say, leggings and tunic tops and therefore I should wear more or fewer of them - it just isn't part of my worldview at all and I just cannot imagine him ever expressing that opinion.

Just a quick thought. My ExDp had two categories of clothes, smart as in a really nice suit or dress and sexy. There was no in between. He couldn't get his head around my working wardrobe at all as it was tidy trousers, shirts/t-shirts and jumpers. I quite often got grubby and dusty at work so that's what I dressed for. Tidy but neither posh nor sexy.
I'm wondering gently, OP if you have one of those. Can't see that your dressing for your day to day life.

You sound obtuse and hard work

Unfortunately I think a lot of women on this thread are upset by this post because it directly relates to them. Having children is hard, your body changes, and it changes who you are as a person a lot of the time. It makes sense that navigating this new life means wearing clothes that are comfortable, easy and practical even if theyre not "flattering". There's nothing wrong with wanting to look attractive for your partner now that youve had this conversation, nothing at all and ignore those posters. Maybe do a big online order and try lots of new styles on.

50 Years ago there was a style of jeans called elephant bells. They were ugly just like barrel leg jeans are today. They flatter no one. I'm with your husband on this style!

Maybe rather than dress to what he is wanting, try some new styles for your shape.

I get it, after having my daughter nearly 3 years ago, I had been at a loss. Leggings mostly with baggy T-shirts or jumpers/cardigans, weather depending.

I mainly just didn’t know how to dress for my new shape. I’m now more of a pear shape with a mum tum.

I did some googling what styles are best then ordered loads of different stuff to try.

I am not dressing up fancy every day but now my casual clothes do look better. I feel better.

Still styles I like but not what I would have typically gone for before having a baby.

My husband is the opposite — he likes me in long, modest dresses. He’s never said it outright, but I can tell because he always compliments me when I wear classic, feminine styles. When I wear skinny jeans or trousers, he stays quiet and doesn’t say anything — that’s how I know he’s not a fan! 😄

I remember going through a phase of wearing leggings and jogging bottoms at about the same life stage as you, and my husband did make some mild remarks, which I ignored! When I look back at the old photos I do wish I had listened sooner, they looked awful! Maybe try a few different things on and you might find you prefer them!

Sooo..,same as you really, jeans and a tee shirt.
Why don’t you go to one of the stores (M & S etc) and have an appointment with a stylist. They are very helpful and friendly, and will suggest different styles for you to try. Who knows, there could be a style that you’ve never even tried before that is absolutely just right for you.

I did do this when I realised I just didn't know what to wear for my new baby shape and weight, also that wasn't 30 any more. It was such a help, I came out with a new wardrobe and felt so different. It's helped me ever since.

Humans are visual creatures- it’s not just men, as women do we not want to find our husbands attractive too? I fancy my husband regardless of what he wears but I definitely find him sexier when he’s dressed well. It keeps the passion alive when you can both make an effort for each other.

I don’t think he’s committed the crime of the century by being honest that your clothing doesn’t quite do it for him. Marriage, sexual attraction and chemistry does take intentional effort sometimes and it is important.

Wishing you the best of luck that the changes you both make help. There’s also nothing wrong with you defending him on here against the barrage of “but it doesn’t bloody matter what you look like, he should fancy you regardless” cries. None of the people on here know him and it’s likely that your situation has triggered something in them..

Ignoring anything relationship related, have you done a colour analysis? To find out what season you are / what shades suit you. There's online tests but the easiest way I found was uploading a make up free pic to ChatGPT. Made a big change for me wardrobe wise postpartum! Easier to get colours right than shapes sometimes, and makes a big difference.

If you like t-shirts & jeans, soft knit or ribbed t-shirts are often more feminine than cotton crew tees. And make sure your bra fits right. Most people have the wrong size on after having kids, and it's very obvious in t-shirts.

Do you wear jewellery often? If your youngest is past the grabbing stage, simple earrings & necklace makes basic tees look better.

Smock waisted tees can also be flattering - h&m have a few that are better on than they look on the site.

Also trying to overhaul my wardrobe at the moment, some nice ideas on this thread!

Why don’t you go see a stylist for some advice? You could end up with some new clothes you like, and your husband might feel the same way. At least in that case it’s a neutral person with no preconceptions, so if what your husband is suggesting is awful there’s no way they will suggest it. And honestly, it sounds like your ideas could be improved upon as well. You could also get a new wardrobe out of it.

Hi OP - I'm just going to respond to what you asked, rather than make any assumptions about your relationship!

Barrel jeans are bloody awful, honestly, and if you are feeling fat and trying to hide it, they're the worst way to go. Think more along the lines of straight or boot cut, slim fit if you can get away with it - which at a size 14 you probably can. Try some cheap styles from somewhere like Next - if you don't like them, you've wasted all of thirty quid. I reckon you can stick to the Birkenstocks and whatever you want on top, if you can wear marginally more figure-hugging jeans.

Can I suggest you ask him to pay for you to have your colours done and your style worked out? I did this for my teen daughter so makes shopping more easy as we know what’s more likely to suit her. Wearing the right colour means you look fab even if it’s a bin bag.
we used house of colour but there are other options
also your write what bottoms you / him liked and a dress you liked but no tops.

Maybe some nice summer dresses? I love seasalt dresses, find them to be good quality and very flattering (and comfy!)

I would also focus more on quality underwear rather than worrying about the full outfit if that makes sense?
Hoping this is the sort of discussion you were hoping for - if not please ignore!
Im sure you look lovely just as you are.

OP you mentioned that Nobody‘s Child dress a couple of times, I know the one you mean, and it’s a great shape. Just get one, honestly it’s not a place to start at all.

It sounds like he likes you in the style that was fashionable when you were dating. I think a lot of men are like that. It was one of things that attracted him after all. My friend’s DH loves it when she wears cargo pants and a vest top because that was the whole coming of age/All Saints/90’s era for him - a time when he was really happy.

I don’t think there’s any harm in looking back to what he loved about what you wear and buying some updated versions that you like and feel good in.

Absolutely. Been on MN for years and never noticed this strange ‘dressing sexy for your man’ concept. If the husband had any idea about how stressful and time consuming parenting is, he’d understand that day to day clothing isn’t that important in the scheme of things. Why add another source of anxiety, like do I look sexy in
this ? What a numpty.

So cargo pants etc attracted him to your friend ? What happens when she gets old, goes grey, puts weight on with menopause ? God forbid these women have any real issues. Hubby might be at risk of losing interest.

Me too! OP doesn't and that's cool too. Whatever works for a person.

This is one of the major reasons why I left my partner who I’d been with for 24 years. It started with him complaining about the clothes I wore and trying to change them. It didn’t stop there, of course - it went on to him trying to control what I ate and how much I ate, telling me the number of calories I could have per day, and telling me the exercise regime I had to now do (created by him, of course.) Eventually he let slip that I physically disgusted him. Okay, then!

Your DH sounds far less controlling and much much kinder than my ex-partner was, but it still hurts when our significant others tell us they don’t like how we look or what we wear. We aren’t identified only by our personal sense of fashion, of course, but it DOES make up a part of how we see ourselves, and it hurts when that part feels attacked. That’s probably why you feel the way you do. It’s absolutely normal!

I live across the pond (in the US) so I can’t give practical clothing advice or brand recommendations, but over here sometimes certain department/clothing stores have employees you can ask for help in finding you a new look/style. Not quite a personal shopper, but an employee directly of the shop. You don’t have to feel obligated to buy what they recommend, but just pick their brains for ideas!

Since your DC are both still very small, you may be able to also come to a “time compromise” with your DH regarding your clothing. Right now it may be hard for you to have “date nights”, but when your 1yo is a little older, you can try planning them and then you can dress as your DH desires.

Before then, you can try saying to him “one weekend a month I’ll dress in the styles you choose,” though you may need to keep your footwear practical and easy to slip on because of your young ones! Or you can tell him “for three hours this evening, I’ll dress in (skinny jeans/something else he’s suggested)” - make it a treat for him, but definitely not something you’re stuck in all day!

Obviously with young children, some of his suggestions aren’t practical for everyday wear/all the time.