Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

To work out reason why just look at the countless threads where women in their late 30s suddenly realize their DP doesn't want marriage and children.

If you want a domestic life you really need to weed out the duff men as quickly as possible, and that requires very straight talking ASAP. Months turn to years very quickly.

It would put people off to be thought of as a walking baby maker. In the same way it puts people off to be thought of by their genitals.

probably a good job you’re not doing OLD either 😂

If you're looking for a walking baby maker and you don't say so you're going to waste a lot of precious time on people who aren't walking baby makers. It's much better if the walking baby makers pair up ASAP.

...and when you're as good looking as me you don't need OLD. 😁

Sex has and still is a taboo subject which it shouldn't be or be embarrassing to talk about. I don't see women as walking vaginas or baby making machines especially as I'm done with that now. One lady I dated 4 years ago from the start was very open about her sexual appetite which was refreshing.

the reason you don’t need OLD is because you’re married 😂

Anyone who doesn’t get to know the person first is wasting their time on OLD. They won’t be successful But whatever 🤷‍♀️ not my time being wasted!

the reason you don’t need OLD is because you’re married 😂

Yeah, that too. 🤣

I agree with NC. You need to be honest and upfront. Both NC and wife obviously wanted to get married and were open and honest about that.

Right, so what questions are you going to ask your potential partner?

We are on a thread of support here for people who have discovered a catastrophic mismatch in a crucial area of their marriage or long-term relationship, and discovered it at a point at which it is difficult to do anything about it.

Of course people are wondering how they might avoid this in a future relationship.

If I ever managed to separate from my wife, I would be upfront with any future partner about my sexless marriage and the effect it has had on me. Possibly not date 1 but very soon after. I'd probably want to talk about what the sex was like in her previous long-term relationships (any future partner for me would be 40s plus, ideally divorced). I suppose my ideal would be somebody who has also suffered a sexless marriage and understands how painful it is.

Exactly. I'm scarred to the core with little or no self esteem. The damage done is probably irreparable. The pain is unbearable on the inside but you carry on as if everything is fine even with your kids who have asked 'do you love mum? Wtf is what I say in my head....

@letshearitfortheboy Of course people are wondering how they might avoid this in a future relationship. - I fully appreciate that.

@Adidas105 says To avoid the mistakes I made in my life and loss of sex in the last 10 years of my 25 year marriage, any lady I date I'll have to ask the question very soon after meeting her. It may put them off but I can't go without sex again. - I'm genuinely interested in what question you're going to ask her, but you seem to be reluctant to answer me?

I’ve been following this thread for a few weeks now. I thought it was time to share my own sexless marriage testimony.
Been married 21 years, two teenage kids. DW and I used to have great sex at the beginning, in fact one of the reasons I proposed to her was how well we clicked sexually, whereas with previous partners I’d had a few bouts of performance anxiety. I always found DW very sexy, and still do.
Sex started to become infrequent after she started taking antidepressant medication. Fluoxetine is known to reduce libido and genital sensitivity in women. I also noticed she stopped masturbating, which she used to do regularly (and which I had no issues with).
Eventually, over the last five years or so, sex stopped altogether. We had countless discussions about it, as our communication is usually very good and we don’t like to bottle things up. She said she never feels the need for sex or masturbation, and basically expected me to just accept it, which slightly infuriated me as I though she didn’t care about how I felt. She kept saying that me putting pressure on her for sex only made matters worse and made her want it even less. So I tried taking a step back, never initiated anything, never even brought it up. Gave her plenty of breathing space, in the hope she’d relax and stop fearing intimacy. What followed were more months and years of no physical contact.
Eventually I got to a breaking point and told her I couldn’t and wouldn’t carry on like that. She might not have needed sex, but I did. She agreed to seek counselling, we found a therapist and went to see her both separately and latyer together. We then went through a long period of psychosexual therapy.
Though we are no longer seeing that therapist, we are still practising those techniques. They have helped her relax in terms of being able to undress in front of me and even be touched, but there has been no noticeable change in her libido.
We talked about her coming off her medication, but she has recently become physically ill, she can no longer do much exercise which in terms is triggering her depression, so this would be the worst time for her to come off the meds.
I feel completely stuck. I still love her and don’t wish for the marriage to end, she’s my soulmate and I’m going to be by her side until one of us dies. But I miss sex terribly, I find myself obsessing over it. I now watch porn, not because I particularly enjoy it, it’s no substitute for intimacy and I’m certainly not addicted to it. But I have nothing else in my sex life. She’s fundamentally opposed to open relationships so that’s not an option either, and I don’t want to cheat.
I feel like she constantly avoids the subject, as if not acknowledging it will make it go away. And I’m tired of trying to discuss it and being made to feel like the bad guy, like the selfish husband who only thinks with his dick. All I’m asking is to be wanted again, in any form. It doesn’t even have to be intercourse, any kind of sexual contact would help, but she’s simply not interested.

Time to separate and then maybe divorce or you could become a suicide case.

Thank you - good thinking, but no. He's never been insecure and is in great shape. I used to wonder if it was my body turning him off, but I don't think it is. I'm slim and healthy and built like a normal woman, albeit with a bit of softness after growing and feeding two babies. Maybe that's it - the old Madonna / whore complex?

You're right, there is something fundamental going on with him that he's buried deep, and I have no idea what it is. I don't know what my line in the sand is, either. I love him so much and can't imagine leaving. But I could also see my head being turned and me being tempted if someone else arrived on the scene :( that's a mess I'm desperate to avoid.

Maybe? But I feel like whatever his issue is it’s with himself internally rather than you, but obviously I don’t know you relationship dynamic. It does sound complicated. Feel free to pm me if you want

i wonder if he’s experienced SA? Maybe buried it so deep he’s only starting to realise now @MissiliaAmori? The panic attacks definitely suggest something is going on. Poor guy. Hopefully the therapy will help.

If you're a biological woman AtYourPleasure what qestion(s) do you suggest I ask her? Thx

You're the one who said you would have to "ask the question" - what did you plan on asking?

Do you want sex every day, every other day, weekends only, bank holidays only, barmitvah/bathmitzvah avoided, never on the 30 of each month.
Do you like to receive oral sex?
Do you like giving oral sex?
Will you pay for today's meal?
Thanks for the offer but I'll take the bus home....

Exactly what I thought.

Wtf is a biological woman? Are you AI 😂

Don't you read the papers or listen to the news?

AtYourPleasure doesn't have a sense of humour either reading the reply.

@TheSexlessOwl Thats really sad to read - I feel for you. I thought my marriage was going the same way as we had been sexless (as per the official definition) for a number of years and I started to feel like the 'bad guy' by raising the issue every now and again. Fortunately my DW was aware of the dangers this could lead to and we were able to discuss it. We now have 'date nights' almost every week which we both look forward to and this really helps. I guess my only advice is not to give up - things may change as time goes on and family responsibilities reduce.