Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

@TheSexlessOwl I feel your pain! When reading your post I totally related to all that you wrote. That could have been me writing it. When I and my DW were young and before we got married everything was OK but as we got closer to the wedding, sex fell right off and all I got was excuse after excuse. One month after the wedding I could not take all the rejection any more and had to sit down and talk to her as It was driving me mad. Thats when I was told and she did not know why, but had a very low libido. Also she said not to put any pressure on her as it was also this that was problem. I gave her all the space she needed. It even took us over a year and a half to even consummate the marriage. Not on my part or side. I decided that was it, and had to leave and get out of the marriage. However out of the blue one night and the very first time in over a year and half we had sex. I thought then this just might be the start of her getting past what all the problems we / she had. Only then and a few weeks later to be told she was pregnant.
I decided to step up to the mark and take on my responsibility for my actions, and the position we both found our selves in. I felt I had to do the right thing as a child and brining them up in a family was far more important. Sex was very infrequent 5 or 6 times a year until it stopped all together about 25 years ago, I‘ve been married for 38 year.
Mentally, due to the rejection over the years, I got depressed, and when younger remember getting upset when going to bed some knights to a cold dead bedroom. I had very low self-esteem, started to question what life was really all about, and I would be lying if I did not say I didn’t have suicidal thoughts at times. This was when I was in my 40s. DW would defiantly not consider at all to an open marriage. Its not just the sex, but more the intimacy and connection with another person is what I really miss.

That’s a really sad story. I’m sure you are a great father but to live the unhappy life you are is having a detrimental effect on your life. You should have left her. Even if you’d waited until your child was a little older. She’s not interested. Will never be interested. People shouldn’t be forced to stay in unhappy, one-sided, marriages just because that’s what society expects.

How old are you now?

I feel like we need separate threads, one for the boys and one for the girls... And maybe one for Adidas on his own 😂😂

@TheSexlessOwl I can identify with so much of what you have said. It has absolutely consumed me too, I feel like it's come to define me and the marriage. I'm always the one who has to raise it, so I feel like a sex pest. Discussion about it is so difficult. It's as if she's hoping it will just go away somehow.

Unlike you, love for me has given way to bitterness and resentment. I'm really thinking hard about what separation might look like.

@Backtobasic1 You've stayed for 25 years without sex?? Like, how? Why? What is it specifically that would be so bad about separation for you that living like this is preferable? Is it the perpetual hope that it might improve one day? There's a fair bit of that for me.

Not at the minute, I don’t! Maybe the weekend will cheer me up!

So, if you were joking in your reply.... then what are you going to ask her? You said you have to ask the question because you'll never again go without sex. And that's fine. If you want sex, you want sex.

Say we're on a date... you want to make sure sex is always on the cards. What are you going to ask me? What is the question you have to ask me?

I'm genuinely interested in what that question is.

I'd use non verbal communication.

@Adidas105 I have sympathy for your situation, but you are being a silly sausage now; there is no communication, verbal or otherwise, that you can use which will guarantee a woman isn't going to go off sex at some point down the line (either completely, or just with you).

I would be trying to get her to give me a feel for how important, or not, it has been for her in previous relationships.

@MissiliaAmori a personal trauma when he was younger tht he is hiding…? Its clear you want your relationship to work….but you desire the intimacy and feelings of sex in your life? How often do you self relief? Do you feel bad embarrassed etc after you have self mastubated knowing that your DH has no clue? YIU say you maybe tempted….are your thoughts and mind been tempted to anyone yet…close yiur eyes , who do you see…?✊🏿

He knows that. Which is why he can't answer me. He knows he can't go on a date and tell the woman "I need sex twice a day, every day. Can you guarantee you'll be up for it and not say no? Can you guarantee you'll be up for this for the rest of your days?"

Well, technically he could but in reality it wouldn't work.

"I need it twice daily and if you can't guarantee it then you're no good to me" isn't a great turn on really.

Thanks - and to the others who showed support.

I'm in my early 50's. It's not an unhappy marriage by any means, and my wife is very loving and supportive in every other aspect. I don't wish to leave her and pursue other relationships. Besides she's physically unwell now, what kind of husband would I be if I left her when she needs me most? Plus she's a great mum.

I can't feel resentment for her lack of libido, whatever the cause, it's not her fault But what I do resent (and honestly can't understand) is her complete disinterest and denial when it comes to my physical needs. I would never do that to her, if things were the other way around. If I were impotent, or simply uninterested in sex, I'd want to do whatever it takes to make sure her sexual needs are met.

This morning I tentatively broached the subject again. I was very tactful, I started by saying I'm happy with the progress we made as a couple, how we can now be naked together again, have physical (non-sexual) contact, appreciate a cuddle without any expectations. She said how grateful she was for that, what a difference it has made (she's said this many times before).

I then asked whether there had been any changes in her libido, any incidents of feeling horny, however brief, maybe at night (she occasionally has "wet dreams"). Nothing, she said. To which I replied I wasn't particularly surprised, as I hadn't sensed anything from her either. I said I've come not to expect our sessions to turn into anything sexual, I know that's never going to happen now. She reacted as if this was a positive thing, "it's so liberating isn't it?".

I went "Well...". Then tried to (gently) explain that while I appreciate what we have, I still have physical urges that aren't being met. I said I didn't wish to put any pressure on her, make her feel responsible, but I needed her to know that those urges haven't just gone away. What we now have may be enough for her, but I'm still left with some needs that aren't being met.

Her reaction? "I think it's time for you to see someone about this again". I couldn't believe it. She was actually saying I should go back into therapy, by myself, for having perfectly normal physical needs. "It's because the weather is warmer, you always get like this" she added. There you have it, I was being made to feel like a pervert again for wanting some sex. I need to get cured, that's the answer.

I took some deep breaths and said this isn't anything new, and the heat has nothing to do with it. I have been feeling this way the whole time, nothing has changed. I have the same urges I always had, and I only mentioned it now because she seems to have come to believe I'm now perfectly happy in our sexless marriage - which I'm not. I said all this very calmly.

To be fair to her, she didn't get upset. She thanked me for my honesty and said she'd need to think about all this. Which is her ways of brushing it under the carpet, it's what she always does. And nothing will happen until I dare mention sex again. I do think she has a complete mental block, she's the one who needs therapy. But what therapy she did get clearly hasn't helped. I'm so disheartened.

How can someone who I know loves me deeply, be so selfish when it comes to my sexual gratification? How can she not want to help in any way, knowing how miserable it's making me? I could never, ever imagine being this way towards her.

@TheSexlessOwl it may be helpful if you consider that she thinks of you like a brother. One she loves very much. But imagine how it would make her feel if her brother was wanting what you do?

im not saying that to be unkind. Just that you seem to have no understanding of why she might feel the way she does.

I wish you the best

@TheSexlessOwl What's the phrase? "It's the hope that kills you". There's nothing more soul-destroying than the perpetual hope that she may one day in the future give you what you want and need.

It would be so much easier if she could simply come out and say "I'm never going to want to have sex with you again. Stop asking".

I have thought that. Which is why I offered to open things up, so that she could find someone she sees in a different way, in case the problem was me. If only that was the problem, the solution would be relatively simple.
But it has become clear that she simply has no sexual feelings towards anyone. Not me, nor Brad Pitt, nor Idris Elba, nor the hunky guys from her work. Nor any women (it did cross my mind). She just doesn't feel sexual.

I have no real hope that this is going to change. It's sad, because we're both going to miss out on what I consider one of the greatest joys in life. She just doesn't see it that way, and doesn't miss it.

@TheSexlessOwl She sees you as a friend/sibling only. She loves you but not in the way you think she does. Your wife will never satisfy/fulfill your sexual needs…ever. I’m saying this as someone who also didn’t want sex with my husband. It was very clear, early on in our marriage, that we were sexually incompatible and, quite frankly, I found him as passionate as a potato! It just wasn’t there and I came to see him as a close relative rather than a husband. He thought I wasn’t interested in sex (he actually called me frigid). The truth was, I wasn’t interested in sex with him! At all. He was never an intimate, tactile man either and this caused me issues. We just lacked sexual chemistry and were nothing more than glorified friends. It took a big wake up call for me (and a mix of menopausal hormones) to push me to look elsewhere and, my goodness, did another man wake me up from a very deep sleep!

I lived 25 years with this man. It was 17 years ago that I last had sex with him. I hadn’t had experience of anyone else (being the perfect virgin bride) - this was the problem (as well as the 11 year age gap). I am a very passionate/sensual woman but it became apparent…only with the right man. I ended my marriage based on all of this and a lot of soul searching. I’ve just turned 53 and I regret, deeply, not ending things sooner. It was never going to change. I just wasn’t attracted to him and he couldn’t get me passionate if his life depended on it. Brutal, but true!!

Your wife will not change. It’s your decision to stay but think about yourself for a change - your needs, your life and, ultimately, your happiness.

Best wishes.

I think it's really really awful, telling a person to "go and see someone" if it's just to avoid a conversation that needs to be had. It's cowardly, it's washing your hands of a shared problem and it's saying 'piss off, not my issue'. Horrible.

My wife and I are separating. For her we lacked the emotional side for me the physical side - one led to the other. I went from a higher labido, but due to rejection and eventual anxiety about having sex, to low labido. I'm fearful of having another relationship because I don't want to be the one who causes the sexless relationship. Not to mention my shattered confidence. Has anyone else felt the same? How did it work out once you started a new relationship? I'm told the desire returns.

It was my birthday yesterday, I was invited to give DH a BJ. I thought great this would lead to more. Unfortunately not. Later when I tried to initiate sex. This was not met with enthusiasm (as usual) after some words DH told me it was now to difficult to have sex with me because of my weight. It later came out that he thought I’d still be happy to continue to give BJs because I said I enjoy doing that! I’ve made it clear that is not going to be happening. I told him that people adapt what they do in these situations but I see now he has no sexual feelings for me and it’s always been a selfish relationship in many ways. I feel humiliated, used and disgusting. Not sure where we go from here. I’m not being fat shamed to lose weight. A big part of my weight gain is from his behaviour towards me. It’s my only comfort/enjoyment. He doesn’t see/accept that. He actually suggested weight loss injections this morning as I was opening my cards. That didn’t help the mood.

Do you still want to stay with him or have you reached the end of the road? If you're no longer the object of his desire it's bloody painful to be rejected. I've been there and not again. For your own peace of mind and heart and mental wellbeing, I'd suggest a trial separation. You need to recover yourself.

What a horrible selfish thing to do. I'm so sorry to hear how your husband acted and on your birthday too!

My STBXW was always quite selfish in bed, always in control. I think the person with the lower sex drive does tend to control the situation (obviously excluding abusive relationships) because the other person hopes that this time it might be different.

Feeling pretty rubbish about myself today.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's impossible not to take rejection personally. Just remember you're not alone - the lovely community on here are so supportive.

When I felt overwhelmed by it I'd go for a run, not everyone's thing but maybe do something this weekend which is just for you.

Invite OH to eat you out. Only seems fair.

Oral was always one sided, but I used to love going down on her. I would never want someone to do anything they didn't want to, but I did eventually resent doing it because it was only ever reciprocated a handful of times (and never to climax).

@teetly hey 👋🏿, hope you feeling better.tht man of yours has shown you no respect, he clearly wnts to destry your self esteem to the point where you become totally reliant on him and he can do whatever he desires. Be bold , put him in his place! He does not deserve a beautiful soul like you! As for your size, as long as u are happy within yourself, your beautiful soul will radiate from within 🖤 p.s as a caribbean man, I prefer the natural curvy ladies..✊🏿

I'm sorry but what an a.hole. He sounds selfish, unkind and frankly like he doesn't actually love you. I hope you can get him to change his ways, but I fear that won't happen. Don't you go losing your self esteem over this guy, he doesn't deserve you. Tell him if he doesn't appreciate you as you are, someone else will.
And defo no BJs, not until he's made it up to you by eating you out for a good half hour.

Only half an hour!!!??? I'd be there for breakfast lunch and dinner supper and afters. I couldn't get enough of my ex's pussy. I miss eating pussy so much!