Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

Id Love to be rampant…

today a man sat next to me in a cafe… he was tall, white shirt with two buttons opened. I could smell his aftershave, it smelt good… I just wanted him then and there… I’m glad he couldnt read my mind as there was all sorts of filth going on there.

That’s all it took to get me fired up… a white shirt and some nice cologne!

Sound like you’d be the dream answer for many of the men on this thread, thanks for starting it, it’s really made me think about where I am and how I might have got here and starting to come up with some ideas, which may be way off the mark but would be as good an explanation as anything DW has given, which basically is nothing

I totally understand the attraction to the smell of a man's aftershave. I get this at work with a particular guy. It makes me blush!

Sad that you only see your children every 6 months.

Decided to have the chat with my wife yesterday and at first we were both in agreement that we no longer align with how often we want sex which i thought is a great start and maybe we can try and work on it. Wrong! She set her stool out of once a month is more than adequate and that’s how often her friends have sex (not sure what they have to do with our sex life but maybe she needs some new friends 😂😂 I wish she knew some of the ladies on here 😂😂) then it went to if I’m not happy then find someone else (initial thought and wishful thinking was, is she suggested opening up our marriage again I was wrong, basically if I’m not happy then leave and ruin our family all for sex) and she insisted that once I met someone new and once out of the honeymoon period it would be exactly the same as we are now, which I assured her I doubt it would and she admitted if she met someone new she would probably start having sex regularly then go back to how we are. In an ideal world we would be having sex a few times a week and I’ve suggested once a week which was still too much to ask for.
I don’t want to split up, I just want to fix our lack of sex when it was once so regular and amazing and now it’s just a quickie to shut me up (that’s what it feels like)

I wish I had found a thread like this before now.

The examples and solutions being described here are thought provoking.

Too late for us. 15 years and we are now separating. Too much damage. His kink left me cold and while I tried the ‘lighter’ side he simply wouldn’t relent and it dominated every sexual encounter. When I said no or asked him to be more flexible he shut down. Imagining his kink and disconnecting from me during sex. I withdrew. I just wanted to be desired and fucked and have the fun hot adventurous sex we’d had at the beginnings . . .i don’t want to hear about a fantasy situation that doesn’t involve or pleasure me during all sexual encounters! Who would?
What I didn’t realise until this year was that he can’t be aroused without it now after years of it being his focus with porn and us not having sex.
We talked, we avoided it, we talked more but he wasn’t interested in expanding any ‘horizons’.
Thus forcing a dealbreaker! I am in my 40s I can’t give up sex.
If only he’d been honest - would have saved me years and avoided a complete inner crisis in my own sexual joy and confidence. I feel starved and like other posters in sexless relationship - it’s a good job I work in female environment because I am ashamed to say I would have cheated given half the chance these last few years.
Love helps but it’s just the foundation.
I hope this thread helps others.
Honestly is absolutely key so that everyone knows where they stand.
Even if it’s just ideas.

I hear you. To me that's just selfish and inconsiderate. I get not wanting to split up, but maybe you could call her bluff by threatening to move out "for a while". Then watch as she panics and changes her tune.
Other people here will say "divorce her", personally I don't take that view. There's much more to a marriage than sex. But when the sex part doesn't work, a change becomes necessary, for your own sanity.
By the way, she's 100% wrong about sex going downhill quickly with all partners. I have now been seeing my lover for over 2 years and it hasn't dwindled in the slightest, if anything we're getting more adventurous. We see each other about three times a week and it's always good. It never was with DH. We just weren't compatible, simple as that.
I bet if she took a lover she's more compatible with, she'd happily ride him on a daily basis. But I guess we'll never know, since opening isn't an option.
You however have the option to cheat. Based on her unwillingness to come to any sort of compromise, I would seriously consider it. Sorry everyone, shoot me!

If you've tried everything, including marriage/sex guidance and it hasn't solved your marital issue, then a trial separation may help. It's torture being in a marriage where sex should be a given and you're being denied it. If you OH has made her mind up, move on. Life's too short to be in a lot of heart felt pain. My pain led to a heart attack and her response was 'damn, he survived it'. Heartless.

That sounds so sad tbh. Once a month and, yes, probably just to keep you quiet. Sex shouldn’t be planned in like that - it sounds like she’s booking a dentist appointment! When two people have good sexual chemistry, they should want each other regularly. You really have to think things through with this - it’s your life.

I wasn’t compatible with my DH either. No sexual chemistry and I ended up in a sexless marriage (of over ten years!!!!) because my vagina would just clamp shut, bolt itself up and run! I just did not fancy him in that way (age gap probably made this worse over time) and he was rubbish at it. No passion whatsoever. No kissing. No playing and teasing (that I love). It took another man to wake me from a deep sleep…I ended my marriage immediately.

Some people just have so much chemistry and it lasts and lasts. Some don’t - it shouldn’t be a life sentence! I can see how so many people end up
in affairs.

If someone isn’t attracted to you, and doesn’t want to be intimate/have sex with you, they won’t! No amount of counselling, intimate dinners, hotel weekends away will change that. Not even the sex surge of menopause - which is exactly how I ended up with someone else. Even though I was horny as hell for a while , I still COULD NOT go near my husband. The ship
had sailed many years earlier and I was forced to
make a very tough decision.

Totally agree.
So let me ask you something. If DH had agreed to open things up, to let you take a lover, would you have considered it?
I ask because, as I said in a previous post, I believe this is an option that many couples never even consider, but which could solve many (not all) cases of sexual mismatch.
I still love my husband, I value what we have together, and I'm not just talking about the kids, the house, the cars. I mean everything else that makes a marriage worth saving. Everything except the sex. That's why I put up with a sexless marriage for as long as I did. No doubt it was the same for you.
But if you'd had the chance to carry on with DH as a life companion, while being allowed to fulfil your sexual needs elsewhere, would you have gone for it?
My lover for example is great in bed, but he's definitely not companionship material (unsurprisingly twice divorced). I know I could never grow old with him. I wouldn't even want him as a travel companion, or to go to a concert or a play with. Wouldn't want him being father to my kids. So why would I leave DH for him? Just for the sex?
As you can tell I'm passionate about open marriages, in situations where both spouses are emotionally capable and willing to consider that option, without undue pressure. It's never an easy choice, but it should at least be on the table before separation and divorce are discussed.

It felt wrong to me - to be with someone else and remain married - so I made the tough decision to end things after 23 years. There has been a lot of fall out and it’s dragged on tbh. I have lost thousands of pounds, the house (I have been living in the family home but it’s now on the market) and I have ended up alone. OM was never leaving his wife. Tbh, I hadn’t expected him to but the whole thing made me realise I’d gone without sex/affection/fun for many years and it wasn’t going to happen where I was…ever, I feel terrible for what I have done to my children (now 21 and 18) and, ultimately, I have ended up still living a sexless life (because OM has yet again told me to move on and find someone available). In hindsight, opening up the marriage would solve the issue but what happens when you fall for the other person? I fell for OM, hence why I have ended up badly hurt. I can’t go back to my marriage (divorce not finalised until house sells) - I began to feel very anxious around my husband. I am beginning to feel anger towards OM who has strung me along (that’s what it feels like) for many years. I can see why so many have affairs. Two people at work are.

I do sometimes wish I had kept the marriage going for the sake of the children and for financial security (he inherited money after I had ended things). As a couple, we were very comfortable. We got on ok but we were just like friends. Sex was not on the table in our relationship at all (well, from me). He was poor in that department anyway. Couldn’t turn a lightbulb on, if you know what I mean.

Im struggling on. I had tried dating sites but have lost trust in people and deleted all apps. I’m trying to accept what I’ve lost and what I didn’t have. It’s tough! Alone most of the time now. OM has lost nothing and carries on in his marriage as if nothing has happened. I’m very tempted to reveal all (but, even though ripping me apart, won’t).

Passion is missing from my life. Hence why I became so unfulfilled.

OM, lives in a sexless marriage too. He isn’t attracted to her (very overweight - I have seen her) but, clearly, thinks a lot of her. He has told me things more recently about their marriage and it sounds like a glorified friendship tbh. He feels he is stopping me finding happiness and has repeatedly said he will never be available for me. What started out as a bit of fun (and, completely innocent at first) quickly ended up with two very passionate people being brought together to express that passion (something I’d never been able to do with my husband as it just wasn’t there). We get on tremendously well too. I wish things were different but they’re not 😔.

Not sure what the way forward is for me.

I posted this on another thread, but having found this one it seems more relevant here….
I’m interested in different viewpoints as it’s not really something I can discuss with friends/family.
I wonder if I’m overreacting and I’ll find the grass isn’t greener and I’d regret ending the marriage.
My husband and I have been together for 26 years, married for 20. We have 4 children, youngest is 10. I’m 46, he’s 50.
Our relationship has been sexless since our youngest was born and it’s been bothering me, but he’s not interested on working on it.
Just says his libido has gone and that’s it. I’ve suggested he gets a blood test to see if his testosterone etc is ok, he refuses. I’ve suggested counselling, he refuses. He sleeps in a separate room too as he’s an insomniac and any noise etc wakes him up (he also won’t go to GP about his sleeping).
i feel like we’re co-parenting housemates!
We get on well and have a happy family unit.
i don’t feel like I can stay in this relationship forever as it currently is, as intimacy is important to me. So far I’ve persevered as generally we’re content and the children are happy.
I recently suggested opening our marriage (mainly to see his reaction) he said he was ok with me getting my needs met elsewhere, but he wouldn’t be looking for sex outside our marriage. That’s kind of the final straw for me as it shows he’s got no intention of changing.
If I were to look at divorce, what are the pros/cons financially to doing it now vs waiting until my youngest is 18 in 8 years time? Or am I mad to break up a family for this reason?
Thanks in advance for any advice!

Do it now. If the kids need the home he'll have to move out.
As you've been married so long it'll be a 50 50 settlement so don't be worried.

I meant to add that the family home can only be sold when your youngsters reaches 18. Do not fear.

Sorry, I don't get it. You suggested an open relationship, he agreed to you seeing other people... and you see that as him not being interested in change? To me that's a pretty major change he's agreed to. He's not interested in sex, for whatever reason, but he's not stopping you from pursuing other sexual relationships.
Why is that not good enough for you? Why break up the marriage? Why not just take him up on the offer and save yourself all that financial and emotional turmoil? I'm confused.

It's something you will have to think long and hard about, weigh up all the pros and cons!
If he has given his blessing to have your needs met outside the marriage is it worth thinking about?
If you go down this route consider how you will feel, do you want your kids finding out ? Will your husband then show resentment?
Make sure it's what is right for you in whatever you decide and nobody local! That way you can treat it like two different lives.

I'm also sorry you are having to go through this and hope it all works out for you.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if any of us had it life would be perfect!
Like you a life without passion and intimacy is no life at all but unfortunately for me there can't be change and I will just have to make the most of what I have.

I hope eventually you find what you need and the passion you deserve.

I get what you’re saying.
I suggested the option of an open marriage hoping it would give him a nudge to go to the GP about his insomnia and lack of libido. Or agree to counselling. Instead, he was just ‘yeah, fine, off you go’.
Opening the marriage is an option, but I feel he should be willing to exhaust all other options first.

I wouldn’t want the kids finding out, I’d then be the bad guy if the marriage ended. I also don’t think it’s an ideal example to set.
I'm not sure if he’d get resentful, he was so indifferent to the idea of me shagging someone else, he probably wouldn’t!
It’s a difficult one, I’m thinking of getting some counselling just to try and get my thoughts clear.

Thank you.
The mortgage would be too high for me to manage on my own unfortunately.
I’ve done some sums and half the equity plus a mortgage that I could get on my own would buy us what we need.
it would be a drop in lifestyle on a single income, but doable.

Fair enough. I suppose you could try the tests and the counselling. My personal experience, having gone through it with DH myself, it made no difference. Unlike your husband, mine was willing to try, and he really did.
But hey, it might work for you. However don't dismiss opening the marriage as a last resort. It could enrich your relationship as a couple if you approach it correctly, i.e. not as a dirty, sordid thing you do behind hubby's back but as something you can share. It can be truly incredible. No counsellor will ever tell you that, but I'm telling you as someone with direct experience of it. It's changed both our lives for the better. We still don't have sex with each other (that will never change) but we're intimate in other ways, more that we'd been for the past 15 years. That's because he's no longer afraid of me, afraid of having to perform his "duties". It was a terrible burden for him, a huge source of stress. I had no idea, just wish I'd known. Now he's free - and so am I. We can just love each other in all the other ways we do. It's so liberating. Please think about it.

DH and I have been together for 20 years since we were teenagers, married for 11 with two DC under the age of 10. Despite having a healthy sex life up until the beginning of 2024 on which it dramatically slowed down, it's just completely disappeared this year. He's always had a higher drive than me and initiated more but now he absolutely never does. As in we've had sex once this entire year. Not something I thought I'd be saying in my mid 30s!

I want to clarify that I absolutely adore the bones of DH, he's my best friend in the entire world and a lack of love definitely isn't the issue. There's plenty of other contributing factors but it's not that we've fallen out of love. I certainly haven't at least. I think it's a combination of many things such as DC who like to cosleep half way through the night, a puppy who has us up during the night, depression (both of us), weight gain (him), self esteem and body dysmorphia issues (me). He also stays up much later than me at bedtime - in fact, between the kids, the dog and different bedtimes we are rarely in the same bed together. He often feels too tired (generally) and I often feel over stimulated and touched out by the kids by the end of the day. And with two early risers and hectic mornings, there's no opportunity for sex first thing!

How do we get back to semi regular sex? I honestly feel like the longer we go without the harder it feels to get back there. I think it's also starting to affect our general physical intimacy towards each other which I hate as I adore this man. How do we get that physical attraction and intimacy back?