Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

As it was last year, I guess it’s still quite early days. If she’s willing to give things another go, she needs to realise there were issues preceding your “mistake” that need addressing.

Have you both looked into relationship counselling? It might help you find a way to address the issues and communicate more effectively? It doesn’t always work, but worth a try if you’re both determined to make it work.

I have to say, if I was in your situation, with no children, I wouldn’t have stayed.

@PTown - wow 'don't mind' is so sexy isn't it ! It's the grammatical version of a shoulder shrug - "....do want chips or mash for tea ? ........I don't mind really...."

I think I would need a bit more convincing than that !

@Planets123

Feels like the moral of your story is that you should just have gone ahead.

The OW wouldn't have contacted your wife
Your wife wouldn't have kicked you out
Friends would still be talking to you
....and you'd be having sex.

Seems like you're back where you started but with your wife now having the moral high ground so to speak.

🤷‍♀️

Both women sound unpleasant to me. Although I don’t understand why he didn’t just make a clean break when the marriage wasn’t working. Or at least make a real effort to change- together. If no kids involved why stay?

I'm finding these posts heartbreaking.

This may be very naive of me, but if my DW had an affair out of unhappiness or loneliness I'd feel terrible and at least part of me would want to forgive her.

My biggest issue was still trying to do the right thing and not go too far, I know that sounds strange and even typing it doesn't make sense, but @Cornish14 your 100% correct this could have had maybe had an alternative happy ending, maybe it could have been more positive, but I think deep down eventually the lying and deceit would have got to me. Maybe others who manage to pull it off and get away with are stronger or more selfish characters than I am !

I'm trying to make it work at the moment as I feel there's too much shared history and good times to just walk away, like a few others on this thread when things are going well, it's a pleasant thing, until my event there wasn't much nastiness, the worst it got was both of us at different times telling the other things wasn't working and threatening to live separately.

Fair enough but you do describe how she was very cruel to you. I’m sure she was angry and upset when she found out. But you also say you weren’t intimate with OW so I think her reaction of not even allowing you to collect your belongings (let alone kicking you out of your own house) was something I would not be able to forgive.

So this is just the 'sunk cost fallacy' - 'because I've invested so much I need to carry on'. This is why we are going to get HS2 - the biggest white elephant ever - who wants to get to Birmingham 20mins sooner !!!
You should probably just cut your losses and go be happy elsewhere.

Like everyone travelling to B’ham?! Great advice tbf 😂

I think the cautionary tale here is not 'don't have an affair'. It is actually not to put up with unkind, neglectful or cruel behaviour from your spouse. There's something repellant about a person who treats their spouse like dirt and then takes the moral high ground when said spouse has an affair out of human weakness. Or someone who traps their spouse into a mental prison that disallows sex, leaving, or any alternative. I think we should all go the extra mile for each other, but rationalising another person's bad behaviour is quite another thing and there's no salvation that way.

Yeah I agree. There is something weird about that post too... Why come on a sexless marriage thread and start lecturing and moralising to people about what decisions they should make ? I mean I feel it really stops this thread being a safe place where people can honestly give their experiences.

I think thats a slight over exaggeration of what he was saying. It was just about 'be careful what you wish for' - which is still a valid opinion - sexless marriages aren't fun but it could be whole lot worse.
The odd thing for me in his scenario was that he seemed to have got all the downsides of an affair with none of the upsides.

"The odd thing for me in his scenario was that he seemed to have got all the downsides of an affair with none of the upsides."

Maybe that's the point - there are no upsides to an affair.

There are - there must be, or else no-one would bother - given all the subterfuge you have to engage in there must be an upside - same reason people take drugs.

Well there are upsides otherwise people wouldn’t have them.

The upsides is what makes people have affairs. It’s a very powerful pull once it gets going and it’s very hard to stop.

The only upside at the moment, is during the recent heat wave I've slept easier as I've got my own bed !

Agree on the powerful pull, I knew even going down that road was asking for trouble but i assumed I had the perfect plan, i presume it takes a lot of luck to get away with it.

I'm on and off this thread, depending on my mood, but unfortunately still in the same situation.

My husband has certainly made more of an effort to be affectionate, and to help out more at home, with our son etc, but am still missing sex, and romance.

I have realised recently that I'm really missing some joy, and I'm mourning how adventurous and carefree I felt about sex when I was younger.

I'm on a slippery slope at the moment, and started chatting to people online. I've messed about in chat rooms off and on for years, but this time I've actually set up an account and have regular people that I now talk to and flirty with most days.

I know it's filling a void, but I am worried about the path I'm on.

@Planets123 your story scares me! If my husband found out, I think he would very hurt and angry. But I also agree that I would fight back a bit, as he almost forced my hand to search for something that I can't get from him.

@Britters69 that's why I posted my tale of woe, just to put an alternative view point out there and to maybe give people the reality of what happens when things get out of hand. My amicable !! divorce settlement when we went down that road I quickly calculated as costing me circa £220,000 plus, by the time I've remortgaged to buy her out and paid that back, half my savings, investments. Maybe that's my part of my punishment and I should swallow it and move on.

Like you I started online, progressed to phone calls etc and for a long time I could justify it as I wasn't doing anything wrong. I considered it harmless fun, I enjoyed it, it brightened up my day, I viewed it as a step up from normal social media or talking to a normal friend . TBH I enjoyed knowing I was desirable again, receiving compliments.

It's looking like we're at the end of road marriage wise anyway, so all I've done is speeded the process up.

I relate to this so much, as that's exactly how I feel about what I'm doing. I've justified it as a nice way to feel desired again, and to have that thrill of a message popping up. But I worry I could take it too far.

My problem is that I've raised this issue with my husband so much over the past few years that I'm so fed up. I dont want to raise it again, and talk about it, I want him to just take the lead. I take the lead in every other aspect of our lives - I want him to take control of making me feel wanted, desired, and really passionately loved.

I have had moments recently where I have started to think about a future without him, but that makes me incredibly sad. I believe that we took vows for a reason and I want to stand by him but I know I will look back at this time in my life and regret how I wasted time without passion.

I feel old and dried up before my time. If he can't be the one to re-ignite things then something has to give.

I'm really in a dark hole with this atm. I'm grateful to have a space to be able to vent.

@Britters69 "I'm really in a dark hole with this atm. I'm grateful to have a space to be able to vent."

The scary thing is that, when you read others' stories, be they in a sexless marriage or the victim of infidelity, you see consistently that the ones who find happiness are the ones who leave their relationship and move on. Well, perhaps not in all cases, because there are those who successfully find a sexual partner outside their marriage, with their DP's knowledge; but in most cases the only solution is moving on. In my head, I'm living alone in Hartlepool: that's how desperate I am.

This is such a helpful thread, I’m in the same situation,
48, together 27 years, 4 children… DH has been in a separate room for 5+ years. Our youngest is 10 and I’d say we’ve averaged twice yearly sex since he was born 🙄
DH just not interested, won’t get investigated as he’s perfectly happy and not fussed with the lack of sex. Won’t go to GP, won’t go to counselling.
He’s not interested in hugging, holding hands etc either. It’s like living with a good friend.
We get on well, kids are happy, we have a good lifestyle.
I struggle to justify ending a long marriage in the hope of finding someone more compatible, but I feel incredibly resentful that he’s basically decided on celibacy for both of us.
At the moment, I wouldn’t be happier as a single mum only seeing my kids 50% of the time. But I can envisage ending the marriage when my youngest two are a bit older (my older 2 are young adults already).

The scary thing is that, when you read others' stories, be they in a sexless marriage or the victim of infidelity, you see consistently that the ones who find happiness are the ones who leave their relationship and move on.

Obviously.

Their kids might not end up happier, though.

Possibly, possibly not. It would certainly be very difficult to contemplate ending a marriage due to no sex when there are small children involved. However, all difficult decisions take bravery and honesty, so I can envisage a mother saying to a young child, "We still love each other, but we've decided we'll be happier living apart, and we'll make sure you're looked after." My kids are well into adulthood so that consideration doesn't apply (plus my wife isn't their mother.)

@ThatRoseDeer : I did have a short but to-the-point conversation with my wife about our sexlessness last year, and I used the phrase, "I feel like I've been signed up to a life-long vow of celibacy." That did actually make an impression on her, though the problem is by no means resolved. But I think one thing we need to impress on our partners is that very few people voluntarily choose celibacy: a very small proportion of religious people, for example, and even they view celibacy as a major challenge.