Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

@AlexandrinaH "If I wasn’t having any sex with my husband, he would feel more like a friend/housemate to me and it’s been like this in the past. I feel much closer to him when we have regular sex. It’s just how it is. That’s just me and I’m not speaking for everyone in every situation."

Yep, sex brings a closeness that nothing else can, there's no doubt about it. My wife is desperate for me to be close to her emotionally, desperate for me to express my love for her (which I genuinely feel) but won't have sex with me. It's a blockage that benefits neither of us.

Two things which have struck me from contributions further up this thread, which I won't try to find. One talked about the "balm" of sex; another woman said, "If my husband and I have scheduled sex, then we have an argument, we still have sex to remind ourselves that, even if we don't like each other, we still love each other;" that's a genius statement, as far as I'm concerned.

I wouldn’t want sex with someone who doesn’t want it either - that’s not right in the slightest. Being desired in return is what you want, not being seen as another chore that needs doing.

Yes, that’s so true! That’s a great statement and really says it all.

Yep, sex brings a closeness that nothing else can, there's no doubt about it. My wife is desperate for me to be close to her emotionally, desperate for me to express my love for her (which I genuinely feel) but won't have sex with me. It's a blockage that benefits neither of us. - do you think if you could give her the emotional closeness she needs, she might in turn respond in a sexually positive way? Is this just stale-mate? You both need something the other struggles to give and neither of you are willing to break the cycle?

Reading a lot of posts on this thread what jumps out to me is that a lot of posters don’t seem to realise that their partner / husband / wife etc is no longer in a relationship with them. They have exited.

Yes, they are still married or sharing a life. Yes, they are raising kids, paying bills, contributing to a family life. But that’s it. Their partner is not a participant in a meaningful, intimate, emotional, giving relationship.

I think "we" fully realise that.

I’ve certainly felt that in the past.

"We"....

Do you think your OH no longer participates in a meaningful, intimate, emotional, giving relationship?

I don't think this fair or true in all cases. While I don't like the position I am in I understand why my wife is like this. Just as many people are asexual. It doesn't mean they have checked out of a relationship!

For me, the reason it does NOT feel like an equal loving relationship anymore is that it turns out, DH is willing to completely ignore a major part of what I need to be happy. Just because it suits him.

I'm not interested in whataboutery about asexuals. Of course they exist. Great for them. But the people contributing to this thread did not sign up for that. For all of us, it's a change, generally a one-sided change that we are just expected to put up with, and that's a big problem.

In my case I would have to say no.

I only see him for 20 minutes a day. By the time he gets home he doesn’t really want a conversation. And we’ve not been out together since 2019.

Oh; we did go okay for Valentine’s Day this year but I had to persuade him and book it, but that was the first time since Valentine’s Day 2019. He blames it on COVID 😂

I don’t think a lot of people realise that at all, they talk about the lack of sex in their marriage as something that’s fixable if only the right solution could be found.

The issue in many cases is much much deeper: you’re not in a relationship. It’s not that there’s a problem with the relationship. You’re not in one.

This is simply wrong.

@PTown When we were in what was by all accounts considered a “sexless marriage” (the general agreed number is 10x/year), I hit perimenopause and told my DH that my sex drive had spiked, my needs weren’t being met, and that we were going to need to either shift our sex lives, or that we were going to see a sex therapist. End of.

So how did this go ? Did you need a therapist or did you things change organically. How do you know he's changed because he has to rather than he wants to ?

@Eric1964 @AlexandrinaH thank you! The comment about having sex to remind each other we love each other when we don’t like each other was me 😊 it’s genuinely how I feel about sex with my partner. We are only 5 years in .., I am not sure if a sexless marriage is more common after a longer time but I am hoping not.

With that attitude, I don't think you'll ever find yourselves in a sexless marriage. It's nice to hear a tale with some happiness in it, in contrast to some of the utterly grim tales you read in other threads.

I agree 😊

I agree. The kneejerk comment (not on this thread but some others) is to divorce. Like that is a good option. It's probably one of the leading contributors to suicide in men and very very hard on everyone. My kids are happy. They aren't psychic, they dont know about our sex life. We are a very happy family and our marriage is great apart from the libido mismatch. People throw divorce around like it's the easiest thing in the world " just divorce" . I know many divorced people that deeply regret it.

Just to add that it sounds like I'm in a similar place to both of you @ThatAquaSnail , @DeepRubySwan and feel the same way.

Hope everyone doesn't mind me jumping in, but just wanted to share my experiences from a male perspective and to share my cautionary tale for those on this thread thinking about getting sexual attention outside the marriage or looking for an illicit partner . Apologies for the long rambling post !

Last year myself and my wife had reached the stage were we wasn't even spending any time outside the bedroom together,I was focusing on work and she seemed to have mentally checked out , always busy with others, never any quality time together, zero intimacy, I'm sure lots will agree you can be married and feel lonely .

I then developed initially an online friendship, with a sexual element, someone similar to me, same situation and going though the same things . If you've never gone behind your partners back or cheated I can honestly say it's exhausting, feeling like your living a lie, the deceit, the fear of being caught out, sleepless nights wondering if your a bad person. It's almost like an addiction, the buzz or high when you receive a message or phone call, but when it wears off I just felt terrible. I don't have a particular strong moral compass but nothing prepares you for the feelings of guilt or wrongdoing.

I couldn't bring myself to be intimate with an other person, deep down I knew that was a line I couldn't cross and that's were the problems began. I ceased all contact with my online "friend" . The OW took great delight in finding personal details about me, to use as a lever and weirdly to try to keep me in contact with her.

The upshot was she told my wife, via social media and in the aftermath my wife banished me from our shared home, refused me access and for a period the only possessions I had was my work clothes. I understand what I did was wrong, but my life has honestly been ruined by my actions. There's people I've known for nearly 20 years who no longer speak or acknowledge me.

The OW clearly had rejection issues and I've since learnt her marriage broke down the same week I ceased contact, so I clearly took a lot of flak that perhaps should have directed elsewhere.

No real reason to this post, except if you want to look elsewhere, I recommend you end things properly via separation, rather than look for attention outside the marriage.

@Planets123

How does someone banish you from your own home?

@TheMel , in my case quite easily done and in hindsight I shouldn't have gone along with it to keep the peace, but i was told "your leaving" , lots of shouting on her part to make sure there's a little disturbance I would want to subdue and that's me out of the house with just a set of clothes.

All attempts to access to the property refused/denied, threats of the police being called, some game playing saying I'll allow you access in 20 minutes for half an hour , when I was an hour away etc. All quite clever looking back.

For clarity the property is in joint names, but the financial side I dealt with.

Did you get back together? I might have missed it if you’ve already said.

People tend to look outside the marriage when things are just not right/not working. If you’re back together, is it better now?

• I told him that we needed a to recalibrate our sex life because my needs weren’t being met, particularly since I had a hormonal shift (perimenopause). I said that I needed a reshift. I said that we would need to see a sex therapist if things didn’t change, but we did change, so we never did go down that route.
• I asked DH this morning whether he wants to be having regular sex—he said that he “doesn’t mind”. He can take it or leave it at his age—but he does enjoy it once we get going. We haven’t got to the stage that others have described where he actively doesn’t want to have sex with me. He understands I’m going through a hormonal phase right now. As previous posters have said, now that we’re doing it frequently, it does act as a balm to soothe over rough patches/disagreements that have nothing to do with sex. I’ve definitely noticed that we’re not so snippy with each other since we’ve had this reshift—both of us, so it must be working for him too on some level.

I spent months living with a family member, we both got legal advice, discussed the division of assets, potential divorce scenarios all very business like as no children involved.

My solicitor suggested I move back into the spare room as I did have rights to occupy the property and for a few months we lived separate lives, until we both wanted to give things another go.

But we haven't solved the issues and there's no consideration from her side which is why I found this thread.