Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

So he wants to stay married, but doesn't want to be intimate?

What's he getting out of the relationship? A unpaid cleaner, cook & child minder?

Some men go from mum to wife, and nothing changes at home for them.

"We’re just good friends now (and co-parents), nothing more" - been there! -
If he suddenly decided he did want to be intimate, would you want to now?

My EXW & I did try, but it just didn't work - there was no passion there. I just didn't fancy her anymore.

Counselling is a good idea. I've been having some for a couple of years. It does make you look at things differently.

@MidlifeWondering "I don’t think I’m quite at that point yet.
I’ve booked in for some counselling, mainly just to have an objective talk with someone that’s not invested."

Yep, I'm going the therapy route, though I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to achieve. Strength to take the next step, whatever that may be, probably.

I think he likes the family set up (as I do), we get on well and the kids are happy.
He does his fair share of cooking, child stuff and cleaning.

I think because he has no libido, he’s perfectly happy as things are. I don’t think I’d leave for someone else so I think he’s worrying about that needlessl, if our marriage does finish I wouldn’t be looking to get remarried or live with someone else for a long while.

On the very rare occasions we are intimate, it isn’t great. I’m careful not to let it show as don’t want to put him off 😂. But yeah, nearly 10 years of virtually no sex, I don’t really find him attractive like that anymore. He’s friend zoned himself.

I’m hoping it’ll get me some clarity and help me with next steps. Talking things through, different perspective.
I’m 47, I’ve recently decided on a potential 2.5 year plan for by the time I turn 50.
It basically revolves around focussing on everything but my lack of a sex life 😂 - get my ducks in a row financially, professionally, socially etc.
By then, my youngest two will be 12 and 15, older ones will be adults.
If things haven’t improved at home I think that will be when I feel is the right time to make big changes and if everything else is as sorted as possible it will hopefully make the transition smoother.

I hear you. 5 years for me now. I look at couples when I’m out and about and wonder how they navigate a sexlife as the whole scenario is so alien to me now..and I never used to be like that. I used to think I was desirable and sexy til I was told I wasn’t..not in a nasty way but just a ‘you asked, I told’ kind of way. I wouldn’t even know what to do now, I’m so beat. Life is fairly busy but there’s a proper void, you know.

I think the hot weather doesn’t help. Always makes me as horny as hell!

On the flip side it's also another excuse on my long list of rejections! lol

Thanks to everyone who's contributed to this forum. It's been really helpful for me to see others in similar circumstances. Married 15 years, two kids totally sexless for 6.My Dw has no interest. After we'd been sexless for an initial 2 years I got lucky on birthday! And hey presto second child and nothing since! After our latest chat( always instigated by me) she says we don't have enough time and that things will change. But I just don't believe her. Nothing changes unless both want it to and I'm not sure she does. I don't want to break up the family for a whole number of reasons so in my mind it just feels like I'm waiting for the kids to be old enough ( whenever that is), but she says she sees us together long term. For me it's the lack of empathy as much as the lack of intimacy. Its hard enough not to feel wanted/desirable. But lack of compassion for my feelings really hurts. If roles we reversed id like to think I'd be much more sympathetic and I'm sure I'd want to do something to fix it.I have considered affair /fwb but don't see how I could practically amongst family life and seems very final and I still love her and want us to work. I often wonder about finding someone in same boat just to message and go through it together but maybe that's not healthy either. i sometimes wish she'd just make the no sex thing official and draw a line under it as it's the hope that kills you. I keep meaning to ask where are the red lines? Second base would honestly be heaven to me right now! Good luck to everyone dealing with their situation whichever side your coming from

Your comment " sometimes wish she'd just make the no sex thing official and draw a line under it as it's the hope that kills you" is so true. I think you have to accept it and draw the line yourself. Once you do, its not easier so to speak but the constant hope makes it worse.

Ive made a Drs appointment to see if I can take something to help with my libido. If i dont think about it, its not so bad.

@ThatAquaSnail "Ive made a Drs appointment to see if I can take something to help with my libido. If i dont think about it, its not so bad."

I would imagine quite a few people in our position, be they male or female, have considered that option. For me, no way. There's no way I'm taking drugs to deal with this. I'll investigate every other possible remediation first.

Yeah I have considered this but not really explored in detail. I'm sorry you've got to this point but I understand the feeling of exploring all options. I just googled lower libido by diet and doesn't sound a healthy option!!😂

So Ive just had a call from the GP, she wants me seek counselling first as there are limited medical ways to help me. Or no "quick fix" as she put it. :(

A very difficult aspect of our predicament - and I'm convinced this applies equally to both sexes - is that sexual desire and love are woven from the same cloth. Supressing one supresses the other. I remember saying this to my wife many, many years ago. My struggle has been, in part, to continue to give her the love she deserves whilst supressing an impetus for that love. The sad thing for both of us is that I don't always succeed so she gets less out of this marriage than she deserves.

Let’s take this back to basics, it’s called making love for a reason , every time you make love should effectively reaffirm your love for that person.
Common sense would say if you are not making love / having sex how can you possibly feel the same feeling as a couple who have a fulfilling physical relationship .
Anyone suggesting otherwise is misguided.
Living every day sexual frustrated and unfulfilled can only lead to resentment and a withdrawal of overall love and support.

This is one of the saddest things I’ve read here. You shouldn’t have to take something to reduce your perfectly normal interest in sex.

I have been there myself in the past and looked into going onto the contraceptive pill, which when I had taken it in the past completely killed my interest in sex. I came to my senses when I realised I was perfectly normal and there’s nothing wrong with me wanting sex in my relationship.

Drugs are there to fix things. You don’t need fixing. I know you love your family and don’t want to leave, but I really hope that one day, you don’t have to live in this turmoil anymore.

See, to me that sounds like the only reason you (and some others) are with your OH is sex.

Common sense would say if you are not making love / having sex how can you possibly feel the same feeling as a couple who have a fulfilling physical relationship . - there's nothing else you or your OH can do to feel love for one another? Sex is the only way ?

I mean, there are couples who have very little or no sex and are happy. There are asexuals in relationships - happy without sex.

See, to me that sounds like the only reason you (and some others) are with your OH is sex.

Sex is the difference between a romantic relationship and friendship. So it is the only thing in that sense. Of course some, (many?) marriages aren't even friendships.

"Sex is the difference between a romantic relationship and friendship." - not to those who are happy not having it - again, the couples who both have low/no libido. Or asexuals (or on that varied spectrum). It's not up to you to define their relationship.

Also, studies have shown that the cornerstone of most romantic relationships is friendship. Those partners who are friends are likely to thrive in their relationship. They say prioritising friendship in a romantic relationship can lead to a deeper, more meaningful and lasting bond.

Of course some, (many?) marriages aren't even friendships. - this is true. I wonder how many of those marriages are filled with meaningful connection, intimacy and a wonderful sex life?

@AtYourPleasure I think friendship and romance including sex are the best combination for marriage based on my own needs and preference. For me I agree with @NCForThatForumM. This thread is also a testament to those that feel the same. - they are unhappy as they are friends with their partner but there is no sex. The lack of sex is the source of their unhappiness and torture. Going even further for some there is not even any human touch, no hugs, kisses, holding hands. My relationship with my exH was like this at the end. I’m glad I’m out and with someone who matches my energy in our relationship,

Some people need more sex than others.

For me, sex is expected as part of a romantic relationship. If my partner completely refused to entertain sex any longer, that would be fine and I would accept that for HIM. But that wouldn’t be a relationship I’d want to be in and that’s fine. If sex is not important to you @AtYourPleasure , then that’s fine. We’re all different.

Sex doesn’t define my marriage. But for me, it’s an essential part of it. It can be a bit up and down for us, hence why I’m on this thread. Not sure why you’re on it except to tell us all we’re all wrong to want sex and we should just put up living without it?

Marriages with little/no sex work when BOTH partners are in agreement and are satisfied with the amount of sex. This thread is not for those people.

Sex is not like cycling—by marrying someone, you are agreeing to be their sex partner for life. And unlike cycling, part of the deal is that one partner cannot have sex friends in the same way that they could have cycling friends to get their cycling desires met. If I tell my husband that I will never cycle again, he is allowed to join a cycling club. If I tell my husband that I will never have sex again, I am making that decision for him too—he will never have sex again.

When we were in what was by all accounts considered a “sexless marriage” (the general agreed number is 10x/year), I hit perimenopause and told my DH that my sex drive had spiked, my needs weren’t being met, and that we were going to need to either shift our sex lives, or that we were going to see a sex therapist. End of. I really don’t understand why some posters on here aren’t being more assertive. I am aware that my DH’s sex drive has dropped with age, but I made it very clear that were going to have to work on a reset. (And he always enjoys it once we get going.) Hoping and waiting would have felt like torture.

This is exactly it. Well said @PTown

No one should be made to feel unreasonable for wanting a sex life. It’s completely normal. It’s ok to be happy without one too, but just going by the title, this thread is not for those people. They’ll never make someone like me change my mind about accepting a sexless marriage. Sex is important to many of us.

We need a an understanding space to sound off about it and this is what this thread is for.

My intention was not to imply that you're all wrong for wanting sex. Nor was it to get into a debate on what makes a good relationship. I appreciate this is not the thread for that conversation. My "issue" was the below statement.

"Common sense would say if you are not making love / having sex how can you possibly feel the same feeling as a couple who have a fulfilling physical relationship."

To me that reads, "I can't feel for you unless we're having sex."

You can always start your own thread to debate your opinion? You’ll get more responses and support that way rather than on a thread about the complete opposite.

If I wasn’t having any sex with my husband, he would feel more like a friend/housemate to me and it’s been like this in the past. I feel much closer to him when we have regular sex. It’s just how it is. That’s just me and I’m not speaking for everyone in every situation.

I appreciate all the comments on this thread. I agree with most of the views. If I wasnt horny all the time our marriage would be amazing and not diminished by the lack of sex. We have deep love for each other. I think the arguments above are both actually agreeing the same thing, when partners are in balance, the marriage can be amazing, sex or not.

Some comments about sitting down to "demand" my wife has more sex with me or we split up is something I couldnt do... not only does it sound like black mail to me, I also want to have sex with someone who wants me, not just becuase they have to. I couldnt think of anything worse to be honest.