Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

@MidlifeWondering was he like this before kids? My ExH wasn’t very affectionate with me so we were mismatched from the off. We did have a lot of sex but that stopped when I find out he had a side piece. I went without sex for 4 years while we were separated but under same roof to look after dc. Only when I started having affection and sex with my dp did I realise I had missed it so much. I hope you find out for your own sanity if he is ND.

Yes, it’s 1000 messages. Got a while to go yet!

I’ve chatted to other users on PMs but most men seem to get pissed off that I don’t reply instantly. I have a life 😂

And if they don't understand that, then they aren't worth your time..

Ah - hadn't spotted that we are just over 500 messages... As you were!

I had four over the last two weeks who got really annoyed with me - one started telling me I was giving him “bullshit excuses”. It’s a swift “bye-bye” when they start behaving like that. I love chatting and sharing experiences etc, but I can’t be on here 24/7.

Well quite!
No patience, some people.

I have access on my phone & PC, so am probably available more than most, but I still have a life!

How is everyone doing? It's been a tough week this week. Really struggling..

Sorry to hear @ThatAquaSnail

What has been tough?

We just agreed to go to counselling in our house. That is a big big step, but I am afraid it is too late.

Emotionally tough... Ive struggled not to be too depressed about it. When we are out and about and see couples cuddling it can cut me so deep. Its normal for them and yet so unattainable :(

I agree @ThatAquaSnail- for me the hot weather makes it more difficult.

Yes I get that, massively. Just couples who look happy together.

I know this is super childish, but I often look at those women and think, they are objectively not better looking than me, but somehow they seem to be able to create some type of feeling in their husband that I can't. Do you know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean!! You imagine you in their place...active couples who fancy each other. Im part jealous of what they have and jealous of what they look lik.

Seeing couples holding hands and looking happy doesn’t tell much though, DW is perfectly happy walking round , holding hands, even an arm round the waist, but get back to a bedroom and it’s pushed away or ignored, or I’m going to sleep or any of the other seemingly endless reasons to not want to kiss or touch or actually have sex

Oh thats very true. But as with everything when you are looking at greener grass, your mind fills in the blanks.

That is true and I'm sorry. Equally, when like me you don't even have that....

I've been in a sexless marriage for 1 year now (sober sex). I'm ashamed to say it but I would get dolled up, stockings heels, and basically telling him I want sex but for him to reject me time and time again. Excuses after excuses. We only have sex when he's drunk, I know I'm sounding desperate but I want to be touched and felt so even though I know he's drunk I'll go along with it.

I'm tempted now to look outside of the marriage.

I think lots of people stay in sexless marriages because they have built up the necessary solid foundations for a comfortable life. Why would you jeopardise that, and your children's security if you can discreetly get your needs met? I know this is a controversial opinion but is it really "cheating" if you are no longer sexually a couple? I also think this happens more than people care to admit - often even in marriages where there is plentiful sex!

What happens when you fall into companionship rather than desiring one another any more and you see each other as friends as a pose to lovers. Does that mean you should never seek sexual fulfilment ever again, with anyone else? I think people like to be very black and white about affairs and "cheating" but it's never that simple. Sometimes it is, but in many many cases there is a lot of complexity at play.

I guess it depends on your morals. I couldn't do it. I went on a couple of dates, before we split, (actually before we had our conversation), and realised I wouldn't be able to take things further.

As soon as we split though...

The freedom to do what I wanted with whoever I wanted was incredibly liberating (and still is!)

My daughter and our family life is more important than anything else. No way would I voluntarily choose be away from her just so I could get intimate with someone.

It doesnt mean its easy though! It can bring you down. But not as much as being away from my family would.

How did they take it when you ended the relationship, did they understand the reasons?
How old were your children (if you had them?).
I bet it does feel liberating 😂

When you say "they" did you mean my XW?

We had a very long discussion about our relationship, and the reasons behind her lack of interest in any kind of intimacy (Including menopause & although we didn't know it at the time, depression.)

She did suggest opening up our marriage, or me getting a "girlfriend", but that wasn't something I could do - morals again, plus how do you even make that work? Can you imagine being on a date with a guy that says something like "my wife says it's ok for me to have sex with someone else"... 😮 And obviously, if you ARE going to DTD it always has to be at a hotel or their house, which, if THEY have children...

I suppose I could have joined the swinging scene at that point, but it wouldn't have felt right at the time. Again, as soon as we separated...

We were very fortunate that our children were around 16 & 18 - old enough to explain the situation to like adults, and they took it very well.

Yes, your XW. I just get used to using gender neutral pronouns at work 😂
I’ve had lots of these conversations with my DH but nothing changes.
My youngest is still only 9 (nearly 10), another is 13. Our other 2 are a bit older. I wouldn’t be happy splitting my time with them at the moment, but I can imagine when my youngest is 16 that would be easier as they are much more independent by then.

@MidlifeWondering Younger children in the mix definitely makes it more challenging, as does finances. I'm finally financially free (free, I tell you, FREEE! - sorry, got a bit carried away. 😁) of my XW, and hadn't realised the burden

six ish years is a long time to go without intimacy... I didn't realise how long it would be for me - it doesn't get any easier...

Have you discussed the possibility of an open marriage? Would you consider "playing away"?

We’ve discussed opening the marriage vaguely. He didn’t seem worried by the idea initially, but then he wasn’t keen as he thinks I’d meet someone else and end the marriage. I’d probably have to go the discreet affair route.
I think if I went down that road, it would be when I was ready for the marriage to be over if it didn’t work (finances/kids), kind of a last ditch resort.
I don’t think I’m quite at that point yet.
I’ve booked in for some counselling, mainly just to have an objective talk with someone that’s not invested.
If we didn’t have children, I’d have left years ago. We’re just good friends now (and co-parents), nothing more.