Hi all
I’ve read most of the thread and what strikes me most is how many of you are terrified of ending your relationships and disrupting family life, the impact on the children, and the financial stability you have in your marriages “just for sex.” I felt the same at one time.
I just want to say that sex isn’t just sex. It’s far more than the mechanical act. It’s connection, intimacy, mutual vulnerability and acceptance. When that disappears, you are friends at best, housemates at worst. It’s a very lonely place to be.
My marriage ended 10 years ago due to lack of sex, which led to lack of affection and open communication. I was the one who didn’t want sex with my exh, although I still had a sex drive. We were never compatible in that department, and various other unrelated things killed my desire for him. I felt incredibly guilty as I saw how much pain it caused him to be rejected, and after a few years I suggested he seek it elsewhere. I loved him and our life together and I wanted him to be fulfilled. I also wanted him to stop pressuring me.
He was very upset that I’d even consider such a thing, and refused. After another couple of years he told me he wanted a divorce as he wanted a wife who fulfilled all of his needs. I’d felt like I wanted the marriage to end for a long time at that point, but had kept quiet as I was terrified of the impact on the children, of being without my best friend, and couldn’t see how we could afford to separate and run two households. I felt so trapped. Him saying he wanted a divorce was both a relief and incredibly frightening.
We’re both much happier now and the children are very content. It was a tough transition for everyone, but we still liked and respected each other enough to work hard at keeping things friendly. We share 50/50 residency, get on well, and coparent with no problems. He remarried and is blissfully happy, and the dc have an amazing stepmum. Life has been trickier for me as I’m autistic and can only work part time, but I have a home, a lovely job, and the dc are warm and fed. I’m great at budgeting so living on benefits hasn’t been too difficult. I’ve also had a couple of very satisfying relationships with men who are far more sexually compatible with me than exh and I ever were.
Had we stayed together so as not to rock the boat, we’d now be miserable and resentful. There would be no warmth, no connection, no intimacy. It was going that way and I’m grateful that he called time when he did as the relationship we were modelling to our dc was getting colder and colder.
Family and financial stability is so often cited as the reason to stay in unfulfilling relationships, but my experience of destabilising mine hasn’t been a negative one.