Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

Thanks @Willow12345

No we havent "french" kissed since our wedding day. Also she would be the first to admit that she has to consciously think about putting arms around if we hug. She will stand there for a few seconds with arms by her side.

She pretty much stopped masking once we got married. Which is actually a good thing as she is comfortable she doesn't need to.

@ThatAquaSnail Your situation sounds very lonely. Do you have support from family and/or friends? I don't think anyone should have to live without affection.

This was 100% us. I agreed to opening up and it saved us.

Good luck its a very challenging situation to decide what to do.

I don't really. I dont get much time to visit friends and family. I was reading this thread since posting on it and a few people had found friends with benefits or gone on tinder. I have no idea how they could find the time to do that.

Sorry to hear that @ThatAquaSnailYou have been very patient with your DW’s needs and MH. I’m sure she recognises this and I wonder whether you both would benefit from couple’s therapy? Personally, I could live without sex (just!) but would struggle without kisses/affection/massages etc.

@ThatAquaSnail I glad you have found a group of lovely people that you can talk to on this thread ❤️ my personal opinion might go against the grain but I feel she trapped you ( whether consciously or not) into a sexless compounded with no affection either.

• meact sexless relationship

Hi. I was considering making my own post, but I noticed this one. I'm in a sexless marriage with husband who I have been with for 17 years. I am 46. Our sex life has dwindled to the point we no longer have sex. It's been nearly 3 years since it last happened. I've found myself having thoughts about having extramarital sex with another man. The thoughts have been becoming more frequent recently. I know it would be wrong to have an affair (or just a one-off shag) while married, but I am getting desperate.

We get on well outside the bedroom, and I have a comfortable life which I don't want to give up. The truth however is that if a man who I thought was attractive showed any interest in me, I don't think I would take much persuading to jump into bed with him. I think my knickers would be off like a shot. The thought of being desired like that by someone else, and wanting to rip each other's clothes off, excites me a lot. I haven't experienced that for a very long time. I never thought I would be saying that on MN or anywhere else but that is the situation I find myself in.

This resonates so much. It's why the situation is so frustrating. Everything in life is how you want it, surrounded by family, your best friends, nice house etc...but there is that one thing that can consume you at times and become such a massive issue but there is nothing you can do about it which makes you feel even worse.

I hope you find a resolution.

@ThatAquaSnail I must say…I agree with this. She pretended to like touch and affection to get you to marry her, then let the mask drop after you got married. That’s not on…regardless of whether it’s to do with sex, gambling, drugs, religion, etc. “Selling” a lie to a partner to get them to commit to you, only to reveal your true self once it’s too late isn’t “feeling comfortable enough to be your true self” around your spouse—it’s deceitful.

I can understand where you are coming from. Shes autistic and had to mask growing up. I am glad she doesnt feel the need to do that anymore as anyone ho has autistic relatives know how hard that is. Shes a wonderful person and I would never think that she had a plan or objective.

This is precisely me. He suffers from both ED and low libido. I am lucky if we manage 10 times a year. We have had counselling, he says all the right things but nothing really changes. I am barely 40 and devestated at being in a sexless marriage. It was always challenging but got so much worse over time.

I am close to cheating but I hate the thought of it, and honestly it isn't me. Never thought I'd end up like this :(

Can you imagine having a very difficult conversation with your partner about this? Is the thought of such a conversation worse than, say, 20 years of the misery you feel now?

Problem is we have had many of them, including last night. He doesnt want me to sleep with anyone else and feels we can fix it. Problem is he has been saying the same thing for years.

I already had low self esteem and it is now on the floor. I have lost 4 stone and feeling slightly more body confident and just desperately want to feel wanted. Society tells us man are always up for sex, want it 24/7 so it is quite soul destroying to be in a sexless marriage, what is wrong with me I often wonder.

But like so many others on here, I cant fathom leaving my otherwise extremely happy marriage. He is an excellent dad and I couldnt bear to have my children only half the time. Plus I would miss him.

Feels so unfair and impossible most days.

@FilthyforFirth "Feels so unfair and impossible most days."

I'm sorry to say it's both. People talk about opening the marriage up. I've considered that conversation with my wife but I think the reality of that is far harder than the idea of such a conversation.

However, life's hard. It's a conversation which could start today and continue for many months. Your husband - who loves you - may come to understand how unhappy enforced celibacy is making you, and allow you both to take the next step.

Its horrible that and otherwise great marriage can be so impacted by the lack of sex. Ive thought about seeing my doctor to see if I could take something so its not something Im constantly thinking about or wanting.

Yes there is that as well @Eric1964 if I pushed it, I am fairly certain he would grudgingly agree to me seeking sex outside the marriage but I'm not sure I could do it. I think I would struggle to live with myself and probably end up feeling worse about myself in a different way.

I wish I could go back to late 20s me and amicably end things. Before we had kids and our love deepend. Things have always been rough, but I was an inexperienced 28 y/o when we got together and having been single for most of my life I was thrilled to find someone who loved me for me and I overlooked it, assuming as he felt more secure things would improve. I naively said that all that mattered was love. But as a world weary 40 y/o I sadly know that isn't true.

I sometimes wonder if you get one or the other? I'm sure I would have a better sex life with someone else but I remain unconvinced I would have the connection, ease and comfort I have with DH.

I feel like I could leave him for someone more sexually compatible but they wouldnt be HIM, the modern, liberal, loving, supportive, most 'gets me' partner I could hope for. I am infinitely jealous of those who seem to find both :(

How often does it bother you/you think about it? I can sometimes go weeks without thinking about it at all, but then it will hit me and I will be consumed for days/weekds on end.

What set this latest one off, is I watched The Residence on Netflix and there is a scene where a politician and a chef all of a sudden go at it, a desperate 'I've got to have you now' sort of thing and it floored me. I was like I have never and will never experience this. Glad I was watching it on my own as I burst into tears.

Such things have thrown me into depression, lasting days or, sometimes, weeks.

I think about sex daily, my situation drops me dangerously close to depression ever few weeks.

I still have one page to read on this thread but this all really resonates.

Name changed for this as I've kept it to myself and haven't told anyone:

DH and I have been together 12 years, married almost 8 and with a younger DC. Sex has always been quite intermittent but we haven't had sex now for 5 years. I felt like I was always pestering for sex and he just made excuses, over the years I just stopped bothering. The thing is, I really miss intimacy, cuddles, sex, long kisses and it dreads me to think this is my life in my 30s already.... and could be the rest of my life. We just never had sexual chemistry and it's so important to me.

I've spoken to him about wanting more sex and he sort of brushes it off. He doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to go to therapy or anything. I know it's not an ED or testosterone thing as he masturbates.

But also over the years we have just grown apart. It's like living with a good friend or a sibling and we help each other with childcare and DC commitments, talk about our day, etc. I've also told him this and tried to talk about it but he brushes is off and genuinely doesn't think so. He thinks life is great.

But how he reacts to situations (like getting unnecessarily aggy and angry on an airplane if someone takes the overhead compartment over his seat) has just started to build resentment in me. I feel we're always arguing or disagreeing and spend more time having little fights, which I've also tried talking about but he thinks I'm nagging and I don't see his point of view.

It's started to build up resentment and I just don't know what to do.
Separating feels like such a big step, especially as he doesn't think there is a problem (so I think he would feel a bit blindsided even though the signs are all there) but also it's splitting assets, splitting a house I love, figuring out child schedules, dog schedules etc. It feels like such an overwhelming step that you can't reverse once you start. I'm also the higher earner and I can imagine he would get spiteful rather than amicable.

But also, separating doesn't mean I'll necessarily find someone else. And I fear being lonely and alone at 60 wondering what happened. I always dreamed of someone to travel with, bing spontaneous with, cooking together with a glass of wine, and just have a lazy Sunday morning with a cuddle before getting up.
It's like giving up everything for the unknown.

I wish he would just end it with me - but I don't think that will happen.

I'm at such a loss and I don't know what to do, and I could go on, but it feels so liberating to put it out there and not keep it inside for this long.

@Aishabibi you did good creating this thread though reading these posts is heartbreaking .

I’m glad you found this thread. like you my story is exactly the same, right down to your hopes and dreams when I also got married. Sorry to say, It doesn’t get any easier the longer it goes on.
Having a chance to openly talk and express myself on this thread has helped me greatly. As for years I thought it was just me and I had some sort problem wanting not just sex but intimacy occasionally and having to initiating it, only to then be rejected.
It helped me to know I’m not the only one feeling like this. You do have more time than I to make a change, and hope you do.

This pretty much sums up my life. I can totally resonate with the long kisses, my wife just pulls away and I miss this as much as the sex. I told a good friend about my situation and we'd been sexless for 4 years and his solution was to find a fwb but not sure I have it in me to cheat. One thing I find that helps is to sleep in a separate bed but my wife hates it and causes disagreements :(

So your wife hates your sleeping in another bed but refuses to have sex with you , she wants you to sleep in the same bed fully aroused wanting to make love to her but not wanting to engage in any sexual activity.
Ask yourself which part is both wrong and abusive.