Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

f you still love each other and want to stay together, there are plenty of ways two consenting adults can have their sexual needs met outside of the marriage. Would you consider opening the relationship? It sounds like you'd have little to lose in suggesting it at this point.

Interesting perspective!

I'm am in a sexless marriage. We have had sex once in about five years. Lots of reasons related to him only finding me attractive if I am a size 6 or 8. But it has been a major issue for twenty years and driven by his very low libido and general lack of need for sex or even touch. He is ASD as is our son. I can't do it anymore and I won't leave. I have severe PTSD from work as a first responder and we are best friends in every other way.

He is a terrific father. A wonderful friend. A kind and funny person. We love one another. But he doesn't need sex and I do. So, I went on Tinder and organised several younger lovers. I dont regret it and I don't care what anyone thinks. I have one life and I'm not a nun. I don't believe in reincarnation or afterlife so this is it. Just posting this to encourage others. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, in an intelligent and sensitive way. And you dont have to apologise for it.

One of my daughters had ASD and I've long suspected DH is undiagnosed. Not interested in sex at all. I have gone down a similar route - no Tinder for me though, his very nature made him anxious at the thought of me meeting strangers.
Does he struggle with jealousy? Mine still does.
Totally with you about not apologising for it.

This is really how I have started to feel, albeit for different reasons.

DH is financially dependent on me, and if we split up we'd need to sell the house and live separately (which would hugely destabilize the kids) or he would have to go live with his parents, 150mi away from the kids.

It would ruin the children's lives, it really would, and I will not do that.

But I have been 8y with no regular intimacy of any kind and I'm just not doing that either!

I am thinking about a fwb quite seriously now but would have to be someone I could trust.

I’ve found this whole tread both fascinating and heartbreaking in equal measure.
Society has us programmed that it’s always women that loose their desire clearly that’s not the case .
FWB or full blown affair v proper adult conversation about an open marriage or just simply allowing their partner to outsource a peticular part of their relationship.
There also seems to be a trend of almost everything else is great perfect or comfortable except the physical side . ( So obviously not perfect)
The huge dilemma is as we grow older do you roll the dice to have intimacy and destory a comfortable but emotionally physically numb relationship.
As they say they call it making love for a reason.
There is no right answer but knowing you are not alone will definitely help some people , you can clearly think it’s just you and destroy your confidence and self esteem.

I ended my marriage due to no sex/intimacy for many years. However, it was me who didn’t want it with him (not attracted) BUT he was always so emotionally unavailable and never, ever tactile (which I love). I got involved with someone else (who is still in my life after 8 years). I get on fantastically with this man and he is the most passionate man I’ve ever met (not that I have slept around - I haven’t). We connect on so many levels but he will not end his marriage, which leaves me still feeling unfulfilled. However, it made me realise that I was living in a numb marriage (as a pp mentioned). We were nothing more than friends. I wish I had said something earlier and not bottled it up, hoping that everything would be ok - it wasn’t. I should’ve considered a FWB relationship with OM (it’s more or less than now anyway) as I hadn’t banked on losing the kids (both moved in with their dad and only stay with me every now and then) nor having to go from mortgage free (from a 4 bed detached house) to needing a £75k mortgage (at my age, early 50’s) for a smaller 3 bed semi! I also have to pay back thousands to a loan I took out to cover solicitor fees. And, yes, I am still alone (I am in love with OM which is stopping me seeing others) and have lost a lot!

So, if in a similar position to what I was, think twice about ending your marriage and consider a FWB. It’s not right, but what choice do you have? Like pp said, you only live once and it’s no way to live!

Eh? You think a better plan would be to continue to deny your husband sex, but also remain with him whilst cheating on him with other men so you wouldn't have a mortgage?

That's pretty diabolical. I can see why the new guy isn't going to take the risk of leaving his wife for you in case he ends up in the same situation you wish on the last husband.

I'm husband has very strong feelings about adultery, so I know he would never even consider allowing me to go outside of the marriage.

I don't want to cheat, as I know I couldn't live with myself and it would cross a big line with major consequences. I think that's why I feel quite trapped at the moment.

I feel I get very little out of the marriage, other than having a loving (not passionate) relationship. It's impacting on my confidence and I'm starting to feel older than I am, with very little joy.

I have been looking at sex toys and thinking about massage, but every step feels like I'm betraying him somehow.

I went almost 12yrs without, weirdly didn't miss it much.

I've found reading this thread so helpful and have read several stories on here that sound similar to mine in some ways.

I'm 47, been with DH for 15 years, we have school age DC. Sex was never very passionate between us but it was fine at the start. Since DC it nosedived, and we reached a point earlier this year when we hadn't had sex for two years (but it was extremely infrequent before that). Over the years I have tried to talk to DH about how I would like to have more sex and more touching and cuddling, but he gets upset and shuts down. He doesn't have ED, isn't gay, isn't seeing anyone else. I think he just has a low libido made worse by stress and feeling the weight of family responsibilities. He's also not a very touchy-feely person. The problem is, I really respond to feeling desired in order to get in the mood myself. So it's all a non-starter really and, without my realising it, chipped away at my self-esteem and sense of vitality. Otherwise, DH and I get on very well and he's a great dad.

I carried on by telling myself it would get better at some point, and definitely wasn't consciously looking for anything else. Then, about 18 months ago, I ran into a man I used to know many years ago (not an ex - just an acquaintance). He had always been extremely attractive, and still was. So I was flattered and excited when he pursued me. To cut a long story short, we had an affair, the sex was amazing and it was absolutely wonderful to feel connected to that aspect of myself again. He was everything DH isn't in that department: open, confident, completely unashamed and very clear about how much he desired me. Things were also very affectionate between us even when we weren't having sex and it was so good just to have a proper hug (not with a child!). Unfortunately he had other problems, and the affair ended earlier this year. DH doesn't know and I don't ever intend to tell him.

Since the affair ended, I've been trying to focus on how things with DH could be better, but 100% of the effort has to come from me and I feel quite despairing about it. I don't want to separate because we do get on well most of the time, it would devastate the kids and we can't afford to live separately where we are. I'm thinking of asking him if we can open the marriage but I think he would find that very difficult (I suggested it once before and he looked horrified) and I don't think it's fair to force it on him. So I feel pretty stuck atm.

@manateeandcake I felt like your DH and didn't feel like having much sex, I could masturbate no problem but struggled with sex. I loved to cuddle, hold hands, stroke etc.

I realised I was unhappy with my life, work, lack of friends and independence. Plus I went to see a Dr about my low libido.

I had testosterone replacement, although it wasn't too low to begin with, plus I went back to cycling to clear my head.

We did start to have more sex until we divorced (totally unrelated).

There just might be something else going on with him. Open relationships need absolutely full buy in from both, not sure that's a solution but you need your own fulfillment too.

I haven’t had an affair (yet), but otherwise I’m in exactly the same boat.
It’s so difficult… if no children were involved it would be a no brainer, but to break up over lack of sex feels unwise.
I’ve personally decided to stay put until my youngest is 18, which is still a long way off. I’m undecided whether to look outside the marriage for sex and affection though!

@TravelMoose Thanks -- I agree about needing full buy in from both for an open marriage to work, and I struggle to see that happening. I am going to try and talk to DH again soon, not just about that but about how things are in general.

@MidlifeWondering Yes, I read your earlier post and thought your story sounded very similar to mine, down to the age of youngest DC, but minus the affair. Fwiw, I don't think I'll be looking to have another affair. I don't regret it because it opened my eyes to something I need to face up to and the good bits were amazing. But it also caused me a lot of guilt, anxiety and suffering, and it could have been a hundred times worse if DH had found out. Carrying a secret like that is hard -- and this was only seeing each other quite infrequently and not even communicating all that much in between.

@manateeandcake I hope it works out for you, affairs are never the answer unless the question is, how do I hurt someone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint but temptation is a cruel mistress.

@MidlifeWondering I walked a fine line on that with a close friend. We got very close, confided in each other for a long time. Inappropriate friends is one term, nothing physical ever happened, we never discussed it. The chemistry we had was high, so much so that when we went out as a 4some to double date comments were made by strangers.

I do think without her support I'd gave been in a world of depression. I don't know if anything would have happened but I really felt she cared which meant the world to me.

I've just been reading systematically through the thread, and your comment made me think. I'm in a sexless marriage, though that's not really relevant to my response, which is this:

You can't imagine a woman rejecting her partner because she prefers porn etc.; I wonder if that's equivalent to the prevailing idea (roundly debunked here, of course) that it's only women who go off sex in marriages? What I'm trying to say, with an exceptional lack of clarity, is: is your proposition just as much of a fallacy as the "only women go off sex" idea?

I've spoken to two close male friends about my situation. Yes, that's right: I'm a man, and have discussed my enforced celibacy with two other men. All I can really say is both of them listened with full attention, gave what support they could, and said they wanted to hear more whenever I felt like talking. What they can't do is make any decisions on my behalf, of course and, to be honest, some of what they told me (my closest friend has had a surprisingly active sex life since his divorce) made me feel worse. All I can really say is that these conversations are part of the process I'm going through, and who knows where it'll end.

"I also don't think it's an ideal example to set ..."

Hmmm. I haven't read all your posts in detail, so forgive me if I've missed something important. I think being brave enough to have difficult conversations and get your needs met is an excellent example to set. Very, very difficult, it's true, but you'd be telling your children not to run their lives based on fear.

@manateeandcake and @MidlifeWondering I am in almost exactly the same situation, down to similar ages and ages of children.

I find it very very tough tbh, sometimes almost unbearable. I think DH is depressed and poss low testosterone but he won't seek medical help.

Yes but these people have been deeply deeply hurt, emotionally and mentally ground down and loyal for YEARS and in most these cases it seems like don't ask don't tell is effectively in operation. It's survival at this point. Please get off your high horse.

There was a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" feeling between me and DH. He didn't actively know, but he also didn't seem like he wanted to. Personally, I don't think I could sustain the secrecy long term and be happy, but I wouldn't judge others who can. Betrayal takes many forms, as does kindness.

Hi all, I have been sent to this thread after I posted the following as a thread.

Wow, where do I start?
I used the term trapped in quotes because I love my wife, shes my best friend as well as someone I care for. Both my wife and daughter, who is 17, are autistic and I am the "carer" for both with both needing my support for different reasons. I love them both deeply and they are my world. I work full time and I am the sole earner in the family so I do keenly feel how much they both rely on me.
The problem is that at times (not all the time) I feel so lonely and unwanted? I am late 40s now and we havent had sex since before my daughter was born. My wife never wanted to really anyway and only ever agreed to stop me asking I think. Except for when we tried for our daughter.
The problem that causes me to really struggle at times with my mental health is that I could never possibly leave my two favorite people in the whole world..but the love and affection only goes one direction and it can be exhausting and lonely. I know its not their fault though, its how they are wired.
I have a good job, I am able to provide everything we need so that my wife does not need to work. We have paid off the mortgage, have a lovely house and we can have nice holidays when we are able. Life should be really good. I guess the best way to describe it is that I have a large bucket of love to give and I am a caring person, but the bucket never gets refilled and sometimes I feel like I am empty.
Its so difficult to explain sorry. I dont even know why I am writing this but I just feel the need get it off my chest. There is no solution and I just have to accept that but its so very difficult and lonely at times.

That’s really tough @ThatAquaSnailYou sound like a very caring husband and father, but obviously a large piece of your life is missing. Is your wife affectionate at all, ie kissing/cuddling?