Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

Ok cool. In that case my next question would be, were you always ok with the arrangement or did you struggle initially? Was there any jealousy and if so, how did you overcome it? DH at the moment is masking a bit, saying he's fine but I know he's not. I tried to initiate a conversation last night to get him to open up but he didn't seem interested in discussing it which worries me a bit.
The one thing we've always had is good communication and I feel if we lose that now, the marriage will go on a downward spiral. He said he just needs some time, which to me is the same as saying "actually I'm not ok with this". Or do I just need to give him some space? Will he come round on his own eventually?

Everyone is different, but my in my experience I was somewhat apprehensive at the start.

She wanted to try it with a guy she knew from work.

I had the standard and very legitimate concern that this may possibly end out relationship, however our relationship would be ending eventually, if we did not try it. So I rationalised it that way, that maybe this will work and we can stay together as nothing else we had tried was working.

Communication is absolutely key. I am super introverted so at times I did need some space, so maybe he is similiar?

We are much stronger now. Over time I became very relieved that the stress and fights that arose from her frustration to a lack of intimacy had completely died. I focus on loving her, being her rock and supporting her. My energy goes into that as it is more natural for me to focus on that part of the relationship.

The relief from that pressure was huge for us both. It brought us closer together.

We do have our own intimacy from time to time, however her main relief for that is through her fwb.

Do you ask her about what goes on with her FWB? How much does she tell you?
DH insisted on being told what had taken place, I was reluctant and tried to keep things as vague as possible but he kept pressing for more detail. I felt I owed it to him to answer if that was what he wanted, but now I regret it as I clearly said too much - judging by how he's sulking.
And on that point. Why is it that you men are so obsessed with orgasms? How many times, how long, how intense?
As if that's the only way to measure how good sex is for a woman. Cause let me tell you, it's not. Don't get me wrong it's great to get to the point of climax, to experience that peak and that momentary release. But it's not the be all and end all of sexual pleasure, at least not for me. There's so much more to good sex. I have had plenty of sessions in the past (pre-DH) when I didn't orgasm at all but still had an amazing time. And I also had sessions with multiple orgasms but which ultimately didn't feel that fulfilling and didn't make me desperate to meet that person again.
You men need to educate yourselves a bit more on female sexuality. We're not machines where you press the same sequences of buttons and they do the same exact thing every time. And if you hit the correct sequence we achieve lift-off and your job is done. You need to become a bit more sensitive to our subtle needs. For me to be looked at and to be held in the right way is much more important. To be made to feel wanted and appreciated. To be listened to and cared for. To not be expected to give and give all the time.
I wish those were the kinds of questions DH was interested in asking, he might actually learn something. But no, it's "how many times did you orgasm". Wtf does it matter? 😡

Part of the deal wad that she tells me everything. It helped keep an intimate connection between us. I like to hear that she is enjoying it and having fun overall.

I would say the focus on orgasms probably stems from a societal view that it is the measure by which one can determine how good you are in bed. The way a guys head works is very physical/visual. This is a sign that he did a "good job".

The disparity probably indicates a gap in communication, or a deep sense of cognitive dissonance on his behalf. Where despite what you say about orgasms, he chooses not to believe it because he feels you are just saying it, not to hurt his feelings.

What you say is so true and absolutely on point. The focus is on that connection of being wanted, desired and appreciated is what you enjoy the most. These are so important and having the perspective I got my stepping back sexually made me realise that far more.

Feel free to ask me anything further.

Good luck.

So does it turn you on to hear about DW and her FWB?
Because there's clearly a few men here who have that kink, including some I've chatted to privately.
I personally find it hard to understand but maybe it's a male thing. In any case when DH was asking all those questions, one of the reasons I answered was that I thought he might be getting turned on. I thought why not, maybe I finally found a way to excite him a bit, maybe this will lead to something.
Turns out the only motivation for his curiosity was jealousy. Now I wish I could take some of those revelations back, but it's too late. Too late to backtrack and downplay it. Not sure what to do.

I’ve read the latest posts with interest, on a personal level the fwb approach is just a nonstarter, much as I miss regular sex with DP , going with someone else would just end the relationship, my choice and obviously for others it’s saved the relationship, but has it really, presumably there’s still no or very little sex with the person you live with and have a relationship with. It’s clearly a useful coping mechanism for some but I’ll just have to stick with trying to discuss it with her and realistically just no longer bothering , sad thing is, maybe others have found the same, but you do just reach a point where you don’t bother about the sex anymore and I do know people will say why stop together , but equally why stop together if you’re having sex elsewhere

It's too soon for me to be able to say if the arrangement has saved our marriage or wrecked it. Right now I feel it could go either way, but what I can tell you for sure is that if we hadn't tried this, it would have ended anyway. We both knew that so this was kind of a last resort thing. I'm sure that's the case for most couples who down this route, unless as I said before it's motivated by a kink. But not in our case.

I'll admit I haven't been in this position. But reading these posts just blows my mind - and not necessarily in a good way! 😕

I just can't for the life of me imagine being OK with either scenarios. Watching as my husband walked out the door, knowing he was going to be intimate with another woman... would kill me. Nor can I imagine being the partner that was having sex with someone else.

I appreciate I haven't been in that situation and although I don't understand it, it obviously works for some of you.

Trust me it wasn't an easy decision and we didn't walk into it gingerly and naively, thinking it would fix everything. But I do think that in his desire to save the marriage DH may have been too quick to say "go for it". He's never been the best at reading himself and I did try my best to talk things through and cover every base, but he clearly wasn't fully ready.
So - did it work for us? I don't know yet, ask me in a few months time.

I've known a man who had this kink and would often want to imagine me with other men, have me tell him things. I went with it because it turned him on, and obviously i wanted to do that for him.... but I didn't understand it either. I certainly didn't want to imagine him with other women.

I asked him once why it turned him on and he said it was because if I was having sex with other men it was just me wanting sex for sex but if if I was having sex with him it would be because I loved him. Again, I don't see anything wrong with having sex with someone you love - to me that makes it better. He just liked the idea of me being a "slut" (his words). I struggled with that big time TBH. I'm well aware that women who enjoy sex shouldn't be labelled but at the end of the day, it has always been used in a derogatory way and that's how it made me feel.

@Catullus5 thanks. My scarring isn't fine and I think it's very ugly but I suspect you are right that it's not the thing that has put DH off.

Does anyone else find the lack of intimacy "spills over" into other aspects of the relationship too? I find little jars and rubs sting much more because there isn't that connection, that "kissing it better" aspect.

From what I've read of other people's stories, sexless marriages, and marriages where there's been an affair, have one thing in common: the person on the "wrong end" is happier divorcing than trying to solve the problem.

I'm on the wrong end of both of these situations and am currently having therapy, the aim of which is to muster the strength to take whatever steps are necessary next.

Sorry, probably being thick here but what do you mean by "wrong end"? The partner who needs sex or the one who's not giving it? Which of those are you?
Dh and I were at opposite ends (me needing, him not) but neither of us wanted divorce.

I'm pretty sure my wife was so confident in her ability to conduct an affair under my nose, that she was certain I'd never find out. She didn't bank on her affair partner messing up and his wife finding out, then spilling the beans to me (in a horrible way, but that's another story.) You can never be sure your partner won't find out.

I know I'm a bore, but I'm still suffering 15 years later. Think on that before suggesting affairs as a convenient strategy.

@GlasGal83 : "Wrong end": regarding affairs, the betrayed partner; regarding a sexless marriage, the one who wants sex but is forced to go without.

Ok thanks, I get you now. Sorry about what you went through. No one deserves that. And no I guess you can never be sure an affair will remain secret.
So your wife was denying you sex, but having it with someone else? That's the worst possible scenario, no wonder you're needing therapy. Is the cheating recent or did it happen a while ago?

@GlasGal83 15 years ago. I shouldn't really hijack this thread for my personal therapy, and of course it's a long story, but it's been a f*cking nightmare.

Re sex: I think my wife's sexual turn-ons are not conducive to marriage; I think she enjoyed ONSs and flings, but struggles to maintain interest in sex in long-term relationships. I also think (but can't be sure) that - subconscious, at least - she was attracted to me because she viewed me as non-sexual. I realise that sounds contradictory, given that she had an affair. She's very physically attractive and, for every man she's been interested in, there have been ten who's she's not interested in but who were trying to get her into bed. I think, in me, she saw relief from that. I'm easy to say no to. Also, I think, in terms of raw sex, she prefers strong, more macho types.

I think also it's not that uncommon for women's desire to decline rapidly once in a secure relationship. Why I have put up with this is perhaps a matter for me and my therapist!

I've vaguely considered suggesting some sort of FWB situation. However, if it were to be reciprocal, she'd have men queueing at the door - and I'd be just another sad middle-aged man.

I think if one partner stops providing the other's sexual needs, they don't deserve their partner's fidelity. It's reasonable to expect your partner to only have sex with you, but not for them to be celibate.

I think that's fair in many ways, but negotiating an open relationship is the way to go, not conducting a clandestine affair.

Negotiating is nice but not obligatory. If one partner unilaterally stops being there for the other, they have no right to expect anything.

I can confirm, from bitter experience, that sexless marriages are hell. I'm in a pub now miles from home because I just needed to get out the house. My wife and I have completely different views of sex. She's very attractive so has had her pick of men, and has probably spent years batting them off. This is a fucking nightmare. A sexless marriage is the beginning of death.

I continue to struggle in a sexless marriage. We have a lot of issues which doesn't really make sex top of the agenda at the moment, but I can't help wanting some form of satisfaction.

I have been half hoping I could entertain some sort of flirtation, but I have lost all my confidence. I'm tempted by a sensual massage, if I can find something local that I can slip away for.

I don't want to have an affair, as I know my husband would never forgive me. But I'm really missing out on a big part of life and it makes me really sad.

@Britters69 : I think it's safe to say that, in sexless marriages, men and women suffer equally, even though individual men and women may appear to want different things from sex.

@Britters69 How old are you (roughly) and how long have you been married? Is your husband a similar age to you?

On another forum, in a different context, someone said this to me:

"However, you have come to a place where you are willing to lose the marriage which is the only way it can be saved."

I'm in my mid 30s and husband is early 40s. We have been together for 12 years, married for 10.

We had a pretty frank conversation recently, as he has caused some money issues as well. I told him I'm really not getting much out of our relationship anymore.

But we took vows and I am giving it the time we need to fix things as best we can.