Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

"Girls will be boys and boys will be girls, it's a mixed up, muddled up shook up world" 🎶 😊

Surely it has to be blur @everywhichway?!

Girls who are boys who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls, who do girls like they're boys

OK. You win! 😂

I am interested to hear about specifically why it is that people feel that staying put in a miserable marriage is preferable to leaving. What is it that people are so afraid of?

Myself, I have fear of pretty much every aspect of it. Fear of the logistics of dismantling our married life. Fear of how having 2 SEN children 50% will work while working full time. Fear of telling the children. Fear of the shame I'll feel when telling friends and family. Fear of having to sell the house. Do we have to live together while trying to sell it? Fear of the amount of money that will be thrown down the drain in the process.

Forgot to say, this is of course all countered against the eternal hope that things might one day improve.

For me it's less about fear and more about the fact that I still love DH. I value our relationship even if it’s a sexless one. He's lost interest in sex and hasn't been able to get it back - and not for want of trying. But if he's willing to make allowances - which he is thankfully - then I have no reason to leave. I can only speak about my current situation, I don't know what I would do if he changed his mind and expected me to live without sex permanently. I'd probably be more inclined to leave him, but I don't know. All those fears you mentioned would definitely be there.

For me I really struggled with weighing up the idea of asking my best friend for a divorce, only seeing the kids 50% of the time, unravelling our married life, finding a job which paid enough (I had taken a part time term time job to look after the kids), the complications (practical and financial) of living on my own, with how much I valued physical intimacy. It's a massive upheaval for an unknown outcome. I thought she would be distraught and I kept mulling it over, she eventually suggested divorce!

@GlasGal83 interesting, sounds like at least in your situation your partner is supportive and understanding. Mine has absolutely no interest in how it might make me feel. Conversation on the subject is impossible.

Sorry to ask but what are these "allowances" you speak of?

He is open to me seeing other people. I haven't done that as yet, but to have that option is enough for me to want to stay. Sorry to hear your partner isn't interested in your feelings. Does she actually love you?

Like others, part of the issue is we don’t actually hate each other, so splitting up doesn’t feel so easy, also the financial side,would have to sell the house and the amount we’d make would mean buying in areas we wouldn’t necessarily want to be in , much less disposable income,just not as comfortable a life plus juggling where the grandkids would go when we look after them, they’d find it harder to understand than the kids, finally, the hope that maybe things will improve.

Wow. What would that even look like for you? Hitting the apps?? It's not a thing I would do even if my wife ever were to agree to it (spoiler, she would never agree to this). Too messy!

Does she love me. So difficult. Not in the way I need her to. I think we are generally a good parenting team, and she is kind and thoughtful and does no end of other things for me which you would consider "loving". Maybe that should be enough for me? It's never going to be enough for me.

Sex has been a battleground in the marriage for so long, really since the kids came along. Possibly even before. It feels like that's just the way we are now. It's come to define us as a couple. It seems to be getting worse the older the kids get, and the older she gets. I fully admit also that the older I get, and the longer the situation goes on, the less patience I have for it, which doesn't help.

It will be more of a FWB situation. I don't do apps, sex with strangers is not for me and DH wouldn't agree to it, he's very protective of me. He's only allowing this on the understanding that I'll keep things safe and discreet, which I totally would - if I do it.
He's willing to make this sacrifice for me, which I fully realise is a huge one and will cause him some emotional turmoil. I'm not happy about that because I love him and it kills me to hurt him, but what's the alternative? Living the way you are with your DW? I don't think I can do it. And he'd be much more devastated if I left him, he said that himself. He too realises there's no other choice if we want to keep this marriage going.
I'm sorry you're trapped in this situation, like so many others here. I don't think it's right but I don't have any answers. I hope you find a way to move forward.
Would you ever cheat?

My XW and I didn't and don't hate each other. In fact, in some ways, our relationship is better now that the elephant of sex is not in the room.

I think, if you can agree to an open marriage, be completely honest in your communications with each other, and understand / discuss all the risks & issues it can bring (Envy, Jealousy, etc), then it might work for you.

Personally, it wasn't something my moral compass would allow me to do, so separation & divorce were really the only options.

Presumably you already have somebody suitable in mind.

Would I cheat, never. As painful as it is, divorce IS an option. Sadly it feels like that's where we are headed. I daydream often about a future in which we have both found happiness with somebody who is more compatible with the people we are now, rather than the people we were when we met. I wish I could fast-forward to when it was all sorted.

Yes there's someone already on my radar. DH knows and approves.

I know I'm going to be unpopular for even asking this but: why do you say you'd never cheat? If you could do it carefully and discreetly, knowing for sure DW will never find out (and therefore won't be hurt in any way) would you still not consider it? Even though DW is being totally unreasonable in denying you any opportunity to fulfil your needs? Do you not feel like she's kind of got it coming? I think that's how I'd feel.

Same position here (although it was me who ended the marriage and he hasn’t spoken to me since!). I definitely couldn’t do anything like Fab. Tried the dating apps but that doesn’t work for me either 🫤.

@Aishabibi and @RollWithItUK just found this thread and THANK YOU for starting it! You are so right about the need..... actually going to read it now.

.... I have now read all 15 pp and glad I did.

I am a 45yo woman who's been in an almost entirely sexless marriage for 8y. I have finally reached the end of my tether and basically told DH around 6 mos ago that I felt free to see others. He just kind of shrugged.

I won't leave but my God, I want sex. Actual physical sex and also just to be cuddled and held. And just made to feel desirable and feminine again.

I do not think I am that bad looking - I always want to lose my mum tum but I spend a lot of time in the gym, and generally take care of myself. I have some visible scars from giving birth though, and I think that may be what's put DH off.

It therefore also scares me to go elsewhere - what if a man is grossed out looking at me?

I may be speaking out of turn here, but I wouldn't have thought many men would be put off by scarring from birth or a mum tum - in fact they could find both appealing. My DW has both and I like them.

The following may be absurd, but I do Latin American dancing as a hobby and really like the freckles, and yes, wrinkles etc on my partners - it's all very real and human. They're very cute. "Perfection" really isn't where it's at.

Morning everyone, glad to see more here. All are very welcome. I’ve been busy with work and that’s another of my coping strategies. Have to remember to have a life too sometimes

@Catullus5 may I ask, are you a man?

Yeah, I don't find perfection in men remotely appealing myself. However, it's a paranoid fear of mine, as DH has only made a sexual approach once since my twins were born and they are about to start junior school! Of course, if you don't have anybody else to correct that kind of impression, it's easy to fall into dwelling on it.

Anyhow, it is what it is. I have gone private to see if I could have cosmetic surgery there, and it is possible, but it would apparently really hurt short term and there is a possibility of nerve damage and losing sensation down there, which I think would just be horrible, so I'm not going to go down that road.

I have honestly now reached the point where I am not sure I would have sex with DH even if it was on the cards. We last had "proper" sex in 2017 and one kind of heavy petting session last year which was not that great. It would feel like sleeping with my brother or something. Can anyone relate to that?

I’m lucky enough not to be in the same boat, but several good friends (male and female) are - completely sexless for years, and all have stated in a variety of ways that they now couldn’t even contemplate being touched by their partners, never mind have sex with them. Yet they stay for mainly financial reasons. But they’ve not given up on sex, they have occasional discreet liaisons etc

I just want to say thanks for starting this thread and to all who keep contributing personal stories and strategies. I cannot express how valuable this has been to me.
As briefly mentioned in my previous posts, I was able to share my feelings with DH and press for a resolution, which I may never have done without the support and advice received here. I know PMs get a bit of a bad rap here because of some men abusing the system, and yes I've had to reject a few requests from people who were clearly after a cheap thrill off my personal situation. But the few genuine people I spoke to were extremely helpful. Those people already know that the resolution I mentioned has now come to fruition.
From my personal perspective it was a life changing experience, one which I hope to repeat. I will honestly say however that from DH's point of view it has been challenging to say the least. I think over the next few days and weeks he and I will need to work together to try and mend the rift that the experience has created between us. It was perhaps predictable, I always knew there would be a price to pay for my "freedom", but I felt that ultimately we had no choice.
I have no regrets, but I know for sure now that there are no easy solutions to this kind of problem.
As long as the love and mutual respect between partners is still there, I believe any obstacle can be overcome.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Yes I'm male. I think you were very right to decide against the surgery: the scarring was and is very likely not the issue but how your DH sees you. My DW has a very fine scar. If I find her sexy the scar is sexy because it's part of her. She doesn't like it of course.

Quite recently I did not find my DW sexy and then I remembered how I felt the very first time I saw her, and my mind went 'oh, this is the same person!' Feelings can wax and wane, but if they wane and settle, they're much harder to get back.

This is the arrangement I have with my wife. She has an fwb. Because of various issues I lost all my libido and our marriage became sexless.

Opening it up is what saved it. She has an fwb that she sees.