Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

I would love to know too. It's so freely available. At least alcoholics can choose not to have alcohol in the house.

Just as an aside, I think it's a good idea to give things up temporarily: it helps you to appreciate them and prevents them from controlling you.

Porn has never really hit the mark for me. The participants tend to just groan at each other, they don't talk except in very cliched ways. I guess that's how I look for connection but for others the bumping and groaning provides it.

The other thing is antidepressants. I went on them for a short period about three years ago as I was starting to seize up because of work stress. What a bizarre experience. I became weirdly calm, my libido absolutely vanished, and my sensitivity got so poor that I just about couldn't orgasm any way at all. I took myself off them as soon as I could, figuring that I'd rather me myself, have a libido and some problematic stress. Lots of people are on ADs these days.

Sorry, I'm rattling on. It's so interesting!

Can I join the support thread? Am a bi woman, married to a man, sexless marriage, turned 50 last year and don’t want to spend my 50s as sexless as my 40s. We have DC, a lovely home etc and for lots of reasons I don’t want to leave. Would love to find out what everyone else is doing. I’m considering a FWB or opening the marriage, having previously considered leaving and deciding against it.

Hi @MarginalScribbling Welcome to the thread. I've been on FB dating and have been talking to a lady about FWB. She's made it clear that she wants lots of sex without commitment having come out of a similar situation to yours. I'm apprehensive but willing to give it a go. I was warned about being catfished so my guard is up. Good luck with your search.

Another one who would like to join the thread, 45 years old and have been married 19 years relationship has been sexless for the last 8 years due to DW suffering from chronic pain, complete accept that her body has pains meaning she has difficulty but I have needs and I am also considering the FWB route

Welcome @Imthescottishconfuseddad and @MarginalScribbling . Everyone is welcome here

I'm a man so can't help you with the peri but hornyness I can. I'm self employed as a management consultant in finance. I've been engaged to help sort out some issues in a business which means I'm working with a lot of young women. I'm 60 and they're late twenties and early thirties. My mind wanders and in one meeting it wandered off so far the pretty lady tapped my leg to bring me back. I told them I was thinking through the issue but I wasn't. I'd just balanced the books.....

🤮

Gynbunny2025. So what!? If you're offended by a 60 year old man attracted to younger women what planet are you on? Horniness isn't restricted by age or gender. Getting horny won't stop once your 31! I'm 5'11" , 12 stone, slim, dress well, have my own teeth and hair (I'm private for my dentist), no mortgage, top of the range merc and about to buy another with cash. Even though I have no cost of living worries and not being too unattractive (men have asked me out but I'm hetero) I'm on my own. My view of fussy women is get over yourselves. You'll get old too one day.

It is a real shame that the mumsnet sex board attracts this type.

That includes you then!

@Aishabibi hi, I like your honesty and being open about your own situation. You have to accept that not everyone will agree with what is being said, each to their own, but I’m sure you are helping many here. I have a married FWB lady , we meet every few months she’s, in her mid fifties and we both enjoy our time away from our home life , without any commitments , life is sweet as they say.✊🏿 keep trying , I’m sure you,ll find a way for OH to rise to the occasion, atleast you are able to ‘self relieve’✊🏿

@Reidwood I don’t think I have fallen out with anyone over what they have said. I’m just being welcoming to all.

Someone should tell Gymbunny2025 then. It's responses like her vomiting emoji that lead to sexless marriages.

If Sasha46 or M the Solicitor is reading this then do get in touch. Had a different screen name before. Good to catch up...

@Adidas105 Personally I’d rather you dropped your beef with another user and not derail this support group. Understand Gymbunny found you ogling younger women wasn’t to her liking and just move on. No need for making it personal

Gymbunny2025 has misunderstood and misrepresented me on my post which in my humble opinion is slandering me on a public forum. I could have a case.
Her conclusion by inference is incorrect on observation. Has Gymbunny2025 observed me 'ogling young women in the office'? No. Fact. Conclusion is 'she imagined it' and her opinion and conclusion can be dismissed.
If one isn't allowed to express oneself freely then your thread is biased and possibly so towards men in particular. She's entitled to express a dislike but to judge me and execute me with the quiet support of the other members of this thread is bordering on bullying. That is a matter that MN probably need to he aware of.
I haven't derailed your support group as that is a conclusion you have reached unilaterally based on one persons words which are factually incorrect. You're wrong factually. Accept that you are also wrong.
If Gymbunny2025 has any beef with me then she houjd take up her complaint directly with me and not through you. If the conclusion of her direct communication with me is unsatisfactory then she has a right to inform or report me to MN and not you you or other members of the forum. You can mind your own business and Gymbunny2025 can express her dislike to me but to do so on the facts and not her imagination .

Jeez, I don’t have the energy for reading all that quasi-legalistic bollocks.

I’ve asked you to simply stop derailing my support thread with this off topic post. It is off topic because you arguing with someone is not about supporting others in a sexless marriage. That is not wrong… it is fact. Either comply or please just leave.

I’ve been supportive of your difficulties but let’s please stick to those issues and not rowing with each other

I’ve been researching sexless marriages/dead bedrooms… mainly on Google, so not particularly scientific 😂
So many people live in them. I’m intrigued why others stay in them and whether they plan to stay indefinitely or have an exit strategy.
So I’m mid 40s, it has been pretty much sexless for 10 years (especially last 5). If I’m honest, we never had that strong chemistry that’s possible, although I’ve only just started admitting that to myself. I think at the time we got together, we got on so well and I knew he’d make a stable husband and great dad (which he is). So I convinced myself it would be fine.
I’m currently staying because I don’t want the upheaval of divorce and I would miss the comfort of our family unit. Finances would also be an issue and I think we’d both find it hard to ‘share’ the children and miss out.
Depending where my head is at, I’m not convinced I’ll be able to stay in the relationship as it is forever. I sometime think another 5 years so only my youngest would still be school age. If I wanted to wait until youngest is 18, it’s more like 8 years 🥴
I’m also stuck on whether to try and find a discreet FWB or whether just to put up in the meantime!

Top of the range merc…lol. How could anyone resist. 😂

It’s the mix of Arimis and vanilla magic tree the does it for me!

I thought he meant he was a mercenary, but I'm an American and we don't refer to Mercedes automobiles with that nickname.

It’s brilliantly accidental partridge 😂

Come on, it's not that bad 😀. I really don't think posting a vomiting emoji isa libel or any other sort of tort. If it is, it's the 'damages: one farthing' variety. I'm glad you have a nice Merc. Think of me as I head off into the autumn chill on my bicycle shortly.

Thank you for this thread. Sorry I haven’t read through all the posts yet, I will but just wanted to share my story before I get a chance to change my mind! Been married 15 years and no sex for past 7 years. He’s just stopped and I’m sick of crying about it and he promises to change but nothing. It makes me so angry that he knew what he was like but still “tricked” me into marrying him. I was young and naive when we met and mistook his lack of sex that he was different and a “nice guy” and not like other guys I had been in relationships with.

im really upset that my sex life ended in my early 30’s and I’ve had no say in it. I won’t cheat and won’t look elsewhere as that is my feelings towards marriage but it’s really hard to feel so unwanted. I’m not judging anyone who does btw, I totally get it and maybe I will also feel differently one day.

Even when I was young, beautiful and skinny he showed me no attraction or attention. I could have married a lovely normal guy who found me attractive but I married him which I’m angry about. Even in early days I never felt the chemistry / passion I did with other guys. Again I stupidly thought it was because he respected my body and was a nice guy.

over past 4 years I’ve just been comfort eating and feel better as I don’t feel sexy anymore which is good in my head as it’s an excuse not to dress up and feel good about myself.

sorry if I shared too much and wasn’t supposed to! Thank you for creating this space for us to be truthful and vent.

My story is similar to yours. I was young, naive and lacked experience. Ended up marrying a ‘nice guy’ but he lacked sexual chemistry. We also had 11 years between us (him older) and he seemed to age a lot quicker and was at a different stage in life to me. Although it was me who put an end to our sex life, it wasn’t just because the attraction had gone. He lacked passion, he was never affectionate. It created a massive void in my life. Like you, I lived with it until I reached 45 and menopause hit. I got the sex surge (people don’t mention) and it drove me crazy. I ended up with someone else I met online - all innocent at first, but we had/have such sexual chemistry you can probably guess what happened (and, yes, I ended my marriage after crossing the line and realising that there was a big void in my life - and why).

My biggest regret is that I stayed with someone like this. Sure, he was nice. We got on ok but the chemistry was never there - I was never turned on by him and, to be truthful, I wasn’t when I was younger either. I regret marrying him. I have missed out on years (and, same as you, my sex
life with him stopped in my early 30’s) of passion and intimacy.

Why are you staying?