Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

Sounds like you and @teetly need to arrange a meetup... 😉😛

Great idea! Teetly!!!??? I'm hungry.

Personally I can only take so much oral. My lover's great at it but even so I prefer to be in control. Sitting on his face is a good compromise though 😁

I've just come back from meeting the lady from FB. Started at 11am and parted company at 2pm. We chatted a lot and I mentioned MN and this thread. She asked me outright how big I was, or little and she wasn't outraged. In fact she shared her ex's size for comparison. We're meeting up over the next bank holiday at the pub we've just been to to celebrate ve day. She says she has a dildo but misses the real thing. Conversation flowed with absolute ease and I paid the bill very happily. Honesty and openess has been the best policy. We've both come from sexless marriages and she wasn't ashamed or embarrassed to tell me. We said if we don't click romantically we'll be fwb. Happy days. Next event booked and she's not a catfisher . I hope this encourages others to be open on first dates. In fact on the table near us were 4 ladies who overheard us and joined in.

Sheez...honestly, ANYONE in a sexless marriage that isn't happy about it GTF out. Anyone who IS happy with this get therapy. Would you be OK about not eating food ?

He was OK about FWB as well. Total Shamarriage.

Men around the world wish to make common cause with your preferences!

A guy wouldn't choose porn if his Lady was a dirty bitch that had a handle on masculine sexuality. The same could be said for feminine sexuality, it's understanding these and the relationship dynamics which feed into each others libido's, which can be complex. Porn is simples...in theory

Not quite. You remind me of a passage in I, Claudius where Empress Livia (who is a massive schemer and all-round bad person but very astute) says (about sex) "... men prefer the strange to the wholesome.. they prefer green maggoty cheese to freshly-pressed curds". I think porn reflects that, so does research into men's and women's sexual preferences. But it doesn't follow that behaving like a pornstar is the answer because no one can be multiple personalities, multiple body shapes, skin colours etc. No one can replicate all they see in Pornhub in real life. Also if you use porn, you're in complete control of your pleasure. Sex isn't like that

I'd suggest that the very first thing that any man should do, if he's not desiring his partner, is to knock off all porn use, entirely, at once. Emotional issues are a separate thing of course

Yes, I wasn't promoting porn in my post but more outlining many peoples thought process on it.

I was however stating that if women understood more about their mens sexuality and acted accordingly, their partners would very likely be less inclined towards porn. On the same note, if men understood their partners sexuality more and acted on this their partners would be more inclined to fulfil the others sexual preferences. Two way street as always. Simple in theory, rarely straightforward.

A guy wouldn't choose porn if his Lady was a dirty bitch that had a handle on masculine sexuality.

"Dirty bitch". Such a nice way to refer to a woman. But just proves that men only see women as sexual objects. Fucking grim.

Anyway, good luck to you all. I'm bowing out.

It's a figure of speech as you know and nothing Freudian about it. I also wrote about having a handle of masculine sexuality which suggests this is an area that may be applicable. Masculine sexuality is more visually oriented and has the potential to 'only see women as sexual objects' and is down to the individual to manage this.

Lets also not forget there are a lot of women encouraging this objectification, but thankfully Islam is making a concerted effort to curb this ; ]

Very much agree with your last paragraph. It’s a no brainer surely. I assume the reason they don’t is because by that stage they prefer the porn. Porn addiction I guess

I've been thinking about it a bit recently because of a series on BBC Radio I listend to called Addicted to Sex. I can post a link if anyone's interested but it should be quite easy to find. My own attitude to porn is that it's like junk food - sometimes a big greasy bag of chips is just what you need, but having it all the time means you will cause yourself problems.

Here are a couple of quotes from the programmes. I re-listened and typed them out (because I can type very fast, using both hands:

(this man was edging using porn for about 25 hours a week)

"As you do more and more pornography what tends to happen is that other things in life become less interesting; physical sex becomes ... not interested; humans become less interesting; whenever you want what you believe to be some kick or thrill, fun or whatever, you turn to pornography. And then it becomes habitual, it becomes a monotonous process and that wastes an awful lot of your time and leaves you feeling dreadfully unmotivated and dreadfully isolated and it really is a battle at that point to get out of bed in the morning and I think I'm one of millions around the world who have a problem with internet pornography."

(and this is a woman who was addicted to porn)

"you are in control of every aspect of your pleasure and it gives you orgasms you can't have with another human being."

"porn sets such a high benchmark for the physical characteristics of men (some details follow about penis size) .. expectations are different after watching porn, and you see the way they do it, their abilities, it's endless, the ability to deliver an orgasm, the knowledge, it's all at an advanced level."

"what I was watching became a new benchmark for me and the expectation, the men, sixpacks all the fit bodies, after that, when I would see someone with an ordinary body, so for me personally I wasn't attracted to anyone who wasn't really fit."

Whether a person can be addicted (in the medical sense) to porn or sex is debated but it's clear that it can stop a person from having sex, even when sex is available.

very interesting and well done for your fast typing @Catullus5 😂 I guess like alcohol and fast food- most consume sometimes with no impact on their normal life or health. But for some it does become an addiction and prevents them living a normal life. So even if porn doesn’t cause health problems it can destroy a normal sex life. At that point surely the person affected has to stop completely. Like any other addiction. And if they don’t want to or can’t… I think that says everything really.

I wonder what % of men who are the cause of a sexless relationship have a perfectly normal libido but ‘save’ it for porn?

Ask the question? How many ladies on this thread suffer a sexless marriage because your partner wanks off to a screen? A friend of mine has done it for years but his wife is gorgeous and she tells me she is desperate to get her husband into bed and have some fun. He's full of excuses.....

Some heart wrenching stories on here for sure. It is such a complicated and emotional topic.
It should be easy to talk about. But many of us struggle bc it can feel awkward and you feel vulnerable.
I was in a dead bedroom marriage for eight years with no sex. Luckily the woman who became my second wife - despite also being in a similar place - was keen to make sure that did not happen to us..She asked me about everything sex wise and wanted to understand what I liked and why I.liked.it. made a huge difference.

Yes I agree. She has no sexual feeling. Who knows if that may change in the future or not. But remember it’s not her choice to have zero libido currently. And you did say she has health problems too. If I was you I would stop discussing it with her. Accept her for who she is now (and the value she has added and still adds to your life) and make your decisions accordingly. Not easy I know though

I agree. I just think sometimes there's a limit to how much you can expect someone to change. Maybe time to move on?

Has she seen her GP? She needs professional help imo.

DH and I are also in a sexless marriage pretty much, if you don't count the odd drunken fumble. We're very open about it, even joke about how neither of us can ever be bothered but in all seriousness I do think we don't see each other that way anymore. We got together very young, I got pregnant and we never got to experience other relationships. Divorce just isn't an option for too many reasons to explain here and besides we still love each other. I just think we both need some new experiences. We've talked about opening up but every time we discuss it I feel I'm more keen on it than he is so I end up pretending I was just kidding. Appearance wise he's let himself go a bit so he knows he'd struggle to find anyone whereas without wishing to sound arrogant I know it would take me all of 5 minutes to arrange something. I've had offers already. But I don't want it to become a one way thing, it just wouldn't be fair on him and he'd probably end up resenting it. It's frustrating and I'm not sure how to approach it.

We have agreed to open things up. I met a nice chap, we had a few very good meet ups but we have both now agreed to end things as we were starting to feel things and neither wants our marriages to end. It was good to have a good physical release after 3 years, but I don’t think I’ll rush back to find another FwB.

OH and I continue to get on and had another chat about sex prompted by a steamy scene in a film. Sadly, he still has no drive and I ended the night alone with a vibrator.

he has said he’ll go back to the Drs and try viagra but that didn’t work last time.

Interestingly, we also had an open chat about masturbation. I make no secret of it, often telling him I need to. Some mornings he’ll take the kids specifically so I can. He’s always been a bit more private, making the odd joke and nod to it. I asked him outright if he still did and he said rarely, maybe 3-4 times a year! A year… I can do that in a day!

He says he can’t get fully erect and it takes an hour to ejaculate. I have told him I’m happy to help with hands or mouth but he said he would feel to much pressure as it doesn’t get fully hard and he’d worry it would be so hard to finish. I’ve told him I’m up for the challenge and it might be fun.

that gave me a little hope!

I know where he's coming from if you forgive the unintended pun.
I had very very low self esteem and was and am very embarrassed to be seen naked especially my cock. I've been humiliated in the past by a previous gf and ex wife. Cuts to the heart. Not being able to get a full proper erection is bloody awful. Just makes matters worse. I'm divorced now 5 years and ended a 25 year marriage that was sexless for the last 10 years. She left me for a woman. I've steered away from any and all relationships with women

I know @Adidas105… it’s what really bothers him, that he can’t get it up. We tried pills, it got bigger but not fully and it made penetration difficult that led him to feeling frustrated. He took so long I was just bent over willing him to finish and he couldn’t.

im sorry you were made to feel inadequate and humiliated. That would’ve been tricky in such a vulnerable place

Thanks for your kind words. Men have body image problems as well as women because of the crap we get pushed down our throats. We're all supposed to be extremely fit 30 somethings. My 30s were 30 years ago. My words to your OH and you would be to not give up. My ex masturbated on her own and I would have loved to watch but she was fantasising about women she was and would be with. Ask him if he would like to watch you masturbate but with absolutely no pressure to participate. He can stay fully clothed and even have a cup of tea. Please encourage him and if he says no just say it'll be OK to walk in if he changes his mind. You are a very caring woman.