To become a 'sex worker'?

[HazelnutAfterDark]

I know it is not AIBU here but I daren't post there (and name changed obvs)

Let me explain:

I have been single and no sex for about 4 years now. This is by choice. I've had a terrible heartbreak when I having a fling with a guy I was highly interested in and he showed the same level of interest back...until he didn't anymore...and out of the blue, with little explanation, we were done. He tried to come back, but I couldn't trust.

This left me scarred, maybe because how the break up happened - he literally changed gears without warning or red flags - and also how I perceived all the good moments to have been fake. But overall it was pretty awesome while it lasted.

Since then I have never met anyone comparable or that I could be attracted to and I tried everything. I took a break from OLD and stopped caring about meeting men casually and naturally.

Thing is: I love sex and I am good at it. But I don't like to masturbate, it isn't the same as enjoying another body, but I do it from time to time. I climax easily but it is underwhelming.

I'm heterosexual and always preferred monogamy too. I have no curiosity about anything else but... there is something that has been part of my fantasies since a very young age which is... to get paid (either cash or gifts) in exchange of sex. It turns me on for some reason. And I acted upon it only once when I was very young, with a guy slightly older than me, who were fascinated by me - he knew exactly what the T&Cs were and this was his only chance to have sex with me - he gave me money to buy a pair of shoes I wanted - telling him what I wanted and how much it cost, was part of the whole fantasy for me. I felt pretty awesome and don't regret a tiny bit but never did it again.

Later on I had a situationship with a guy who would take me to restaurants, hotels, little trips and give me lots of gifts. I liked it but the things he gave me were not my choice so it wasn't very exciting. I kept going because I liked sex with him and he was attractive / interesting.

At the moment, I would not be able to entertain a relationship or a partner - I'm working hard, studying hard and facing some challenges with my child (their health) - so ideally I want to have casual encounters, drama free and fun only when I can, when I need and when I want...and I am thinking, why not throw my kink and fantasies in the mix? Obviously I will have a choice to choose the men i'm willing to play with, whereas a real sex worker might not have that luxury.

It is also because I want to have real sex rather than masturbate only, but the causal ONS with random men will not satisfy me or be "worth it" in my mind at the moment.

I believe sex if healthy for the body and the mind and will open me up, even maybe to try real romance in the future.

For the record, I'm financially fine and support myself with normal work. This would be more for the excitement rather than money. Especially since I have not been able to get excited or interested in men via the normal 'route.'
I have been married twice and both times for the right reasons. The first divorce left me with only with half of our joint savings and the second divorce with absolutely nothing. First guy was on my financial level and second guy below my financial level, so I did not marry for money and I never would. I'm not a gold digger.

Don't be nasty please. I understand this idea will not be okay or match some people's values. And I don't know what my question is, maybe just curious to see ion someone 'gets' it, or has similar inclination, or is doing it?

I get you. I’ve been there. Comitted men was a no-no. Casual relationships (bar a few when I was very young) was a no-no.

But now, I’m tired of living in a black and white world.

It seems like some wives are okay with their husband’s adventures. I know it could be that for some men, the wives are ‘unaware’ of their secrets. But as I see here on the relationship board, from time and time again, a lot of couples are together because of the kids / mortgage / bank account - miserable or non existing sex life and lack of connection.

And surprise surprise, there are single men there too. They like the discretion and feel of the apps. I myself never liked to have my photos plastered on the mainstream ones.

Each to their own. Every situation in unique. Try to be less judgemental, life will be a lot lighter.

Each to their own. Every situation in unique. Try to be less judgemental, life will be a lot lighter.

I completely get that people fall in love with other people and that's just life.

I'm happy to be called judgemental for thinking that proactively using sites that specifically exist to facilitate affairs (while there may be some single people on there, it's disingenuous to not acknowledge they are literally self described as being for people to have affairs) is a dick move.

People should absolutely be able shag who they want (consensually obviously) and whether they want open relationships or monogamy is completely up to them. But removing the informed consent from partners who don't know their partner is having sex with other people is absolutely gross.

The snide 'life will be a lot lighter' is a bit odd, I'm very happy in my relationship. I just think that knowingly shagging people when their partners don't know is a dick move 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good for you. It was not a snide, just what life taught me. And it had nothing to do with your happy relationship, I didn't even know you had one.

But what makes you think some men there do not have the consent of their wives? Or are you automatically calling all of them liars, cheaters, etc? Where else are the ones who are in a consensually open relationship supposed to get their matches from? Work? Waitrose? Their circle of friends?

At least in the app they know the women there are open to get together with an attached man and will less likely to create drama and chaos, ask to be chosen instead of the wife, will be discreet etc. Less explanation to do, less judgement. Even if they meet women at bars, it could be a waste of time, telling the situation, not sure if the women are exactly on board of what they are proposing since they are not actively seeking the whole arrangement.

I can confirm it's also perfectly possible to use that app just to meet separated/single men. Better quality ones imo than on standard dating apps.
You just put it in your own profile and choose from the men who have separated on their own.
Tbh the number of married men who hang out on tinder, it's hardly much worse.

But if op uses it however she wants to mert whoever she wants, her choice, no judgement from me. I've been in there in all guises - married, separated, divorced.

@HazelnutAfterDark Honestly there are pros and cons to what you are thinking...here's an idea...why don't you set it up properly (so if you change your mind there will be no come back on your regular life) and try it?

If it works keep going, you might even change your mind before you take the final plunge and if it turns out to be a fantasy don't go the whole hog?

Also where you are now might be a very different place in 6 months or a year's time?

Good luck!

It seems like some wives are okay with their husband’s adventures. I know it could be that for some men, the wives are ‘unaware’ of their secrets. But as I see here on the relationship board, from time and time again, a lot of couples are together because of the kids / mortgage / bank account - miserable or non existing sex life and lack of connection.

There are substantially more "just found my husband has an account on AM/IE/AW/OLD, I'm devastated" posts here than there are "I'm happy to outsource my husband's sexual satisfaction because he wants sex more often than I do, what's the best way to go about it?". For every 10 men on those sites telling you they're in an open marriage, probably one at most might be telling the truth.

But what makes you think some men there do not have the consent of their wives? Or are you automatically calling all of them liars, cheaters, etc? Where else are the ones who are in a consensually open relationship supposed to get their matches from? Work? Waitrose? Their circle of friends?

They will very much be in the minority.

Generally very easy to work out after a couple of chats, but very much in the minority.

Even in a lot of swinging couples or open couples the men with permission to play solo, especially in specific kink settings involving money, will be tiny.

Where does you statistics come from?

Those open couples will not come here to advertise what they are doing, they don't need to. Especially since most will not understand.

A wife don't need to ask "I'm happy to outsource my husband's sexual satisfaction because he wants sex more often than I do, what's the best way to go about it?" probably because their husband is not a child who needs micromanaging, and MN is not the best place to give that kind of advice.

The websites for married men are openly advertised on newspapers and a simple google search will bring up suggestions. Online dating is not a mystery. A couple, a men, a women, married or single, anyone is perfect capable to find out about it, no need to ask here out of all places.

BTW I am sure there are loads of happy married women and men beautifully coupled up and having a very happy life together, they will not open a thread to say how amazing their marriage and sex life is, there is no need. Does it mean they don't exist? Just because we don't hear them boasting / talking / asking on here? What would they ask anyway? Most threads here are questions, people looking for help, support, suggestions. A team that is winning don't need to change tactics, they just enjoy and celebrate.

For every 10 men on those sites telling you they're in an open marriage, probably one at most might be telling the truth.

As someone who has been involved on the swinging scene for over 20 years I’d say 1 in 10 telling the truth is very generous…

And your point?

One needs to start from somewhere?
Or hide at home, frustrated with life and wasting precious time, taking regret to the death bed.

But what makes you think some men there do not have the consent of their wives? Or are you automatically calling all of them liars, cheaters, etc?

Most. I'm saying most men using a website advertised as being to find an affair partner do not have the consent of their wife.

If you think otherwise then I would be concerned you're too naive to navigate the territory. And I think that even people who use those sites and don't have an issue with them would agree with that.

And your point?

My point was (as someone who has been part of the swinging/open scene for over 20 years) the number of men that you are talking about is minuscule.

But given that you’re determinedly being rude to anyone who disagrees with you I’ll wish you luck.

Clearly your two experiences in your life makes you far more knowledgeable than anyone else. Not really sure why you bothered asking given you apparently know all the answers already

I dont understand people's judgement on meeting married men, I'm a married woman and swing/escort and if I meet someone who is married, I don't care- I didn't make the commitment to their partner.

My husband knows and will dabble in swinging and escort with me some days. He enjoys the whole kink and we have a lovely normal family life but sometimes it really annoys me with the judgement on these subjects, people should explore more and find their happy balance rather then assume everyone should live black and white.....

I’d rather have regret that be used for sex by a married man OP but you do you

I dont understand people's judgement on meeting married men, I'm a married woman and swing/escort and if I meet someone who is married, I don't care- I didn't make the commitment to their partner.

As is your prerogative. Some other women prefer not to be involved in facilitating a married man cheating on his wife, because they find cheating abhorrent or they live by the 'do as you would be done by' principle.

Oh fgs you really don’t understand? Really? It’s simple, you are in to a very niche lifestyle that many people would find morally repugnant. Surely you know that’s not normal for most people.

DH and I have been swinging for 20 years. Our happy balance is meeting with open, honest people who aren’t sneaking around behind someone else’s back.

Nothing more irritating than having a good chat, or social meet, with potential playmates and then it turns out that their idea of chilled and relaxed is 7-8pm every third Wednesday when their wife is at book club. Or an evening has to be interrupted for an hour while they phone home as they do every other night when “working away”.

DH and I have been swinging for 20 years. Our happy balance is meeting with open, honest people who aren’t sneaking around behind someone else’s back.

This is too much for some people to understand (it was to me too in the past) and they will either not believe it is possible or come back with reasons why things will go wrong.

You do realise swinging involves both members of the couple - not the man cheating, which was something you indicated was fine with you.

How do you know its a niche? No one in my day to day life knows any of this and the people we meet are extremely normal with professional careers, I think you are very naive what goes on in people's relationships.

Yes it is fine with me

Well given that you’ve said you’re fine with cheating - which is categorically not swinging or open - they’d be quite right to point out reasons why it’ll go wrong.

I'd have thought Hook up sites would be ideal for what you describe. If you want to play at being a prozzie and don't need the money I'm sure you can find someone to indulge that fantasy and pay in monopoly money or whatever

Fun fact:

Everything is risky, everything can go wrong…even marriages 🫣

you clearly did not read the whole thread especially the updates

monopoly money 😏😂🤣 if they were to be so lucky