Bizarre /funny things a partner did during sex

[lottieandmia]

A guy I was seeing used to start twitching the side of his mouth before he came. The first time I happened I thought he might be having a stroke! But no, it was just a thing he did.

Another one said 'I'm yours, you're mine' over and over with every thrust - after that performance he never saw me again!

Does anyone else hear "smash my pasty" in the fat bastard voice from Austin powers?

No but I am singing it to the tune of "Smack my bitch up" by The Prodigy.

I think Pasty and Horse girls sound bloody brilliant. Hats off to them.

My current FWB is an athletic chap but my word, after he comes I think he's going to have a coronary! He puts a lot of effort into it and the other night I was on all fours, enjoying myself, when he suddenly told me to stay still for a bit. He then proceeded to pump in and out of me so fast that it felt like a piston down there! He actually couldn't speak after he came, he was that exhausted

Oh yeah, fuck the cunting daily mail or Mumsnet madness Twatter account, who might pick up on this thread as shocking evidence of mothers having and enjoying sex!

I did once date a guy who kept fiddling with his nipples when I was on top. Come up think of it, I've never encountered a man with such big nipples since!

I once snagged a guy who referred to his own chest as his titties which was off putting enough but half way through he shouted suck my titties, it made me jump and killed the mood entirely.

suck my titties has got me in fits of laughter 😂😂😂

I'm using the "none of yer fancy stuff, just horse it in me" next time dh and i dtd :)

Who remembers Penetration man?

My last partner and I had a great rapport in and out of bed, same tastes, sense of humour and kinks... Not proud of this but it did make us both piss ourselves laughing any time I did it was that I would shout out Obi Wanker Nobi as I came... First time she laughed so hard she knocked me off of her. ( caveat, this was only done during "fun" sex, not "serious" sex )

RLD

You were lucky she laughed, I'd have just knocked you off !

Oh I forgot about my premature ejaculator. It was just like the scene from 'American Pie' although sadly I'm no Shannon Elizabeth. He then tried to pretend it never happened. The next time he lasted about 3 thrusts

..no personal items of note-sadly-but I always remember from the TV series 'Coupling', that Patrick -the supposedly well endowed one- would say to his partner on 'entry' -'just say when'! Always makes me laugh!

I once dated a guy who had what felt like a small tail. Probably an over developed coccyx.

Nothing to add but omfg what a thread.....really needed a laugh and this gave me it!

I had one who referred to his hand as his 'fingering hand' and something else (use your imagination) as an 'otters pocket'!

Friend was shagging an older lady on a ONS. She said "if it's too dry there's Vaseline by the bed". He looked and sure enough there was a massive pot of it, lid off with hand scoop marks in it.

I've nothing to add but oh my god these are funny!!!

Doesn't that Otter's pocket thing come from Bo Selecta?

I was 18 and had been seeing a gorgeous guy who was same age. He was supposedly very experienced....his words. He wasn't a pump, pump, squirt. Just a squirt. Literally hard on, near me, up and over like a pan of spilt milk. Second cumming a while later, same again. We tried for three weeks on and off ( we were both still living at home so didn't have unrestricted access!) and not once in the thirty or so erections did he even get his todger into me. Not even a centimetre!

Otter's pocket is from viz.

This thread!

I am crying with laughter at 'suck my titties' 😂

Thanks for the laughs one and all.... Hilarious!!!!!!!!!

I was going to read these out to my DH, but no.....I think I'll just randomly select a few and interject them at the appropriate (ahem) times to see if he finds them as funny as me!

I think I shall start with the "smash my pasty in" one!

@UtahGirl12 you have to provide feedback 😂