Bizarre /funny things a partner did during sex

[lottieandmia]

A guy I was seeing used to start twitching the side of his mouth before he came. The first time I happened I thought he might be having a stroke! But no, it was just a thing he did.

Another one said 'I'm yours, you're mine' over and over with every thrust - after that performance he never saw me again!

"Roger the todger"

That was its name, not an instruction!

Love pimple! I'm dying

I'm actually dying at this thread

Amazing thread. Brilliant.

A male friend had a ons with a fairly rough girl.
While on all fours she turned round and said to my friend "that's mint that is mush"

Nowhere near as good as most of these, but many years ago I was dating an older man (I was early 20's he was late 30's)

He was very quiet, prim and proper, a complete gent utterly boring

During one session he put on a really weird Mr Bean-esque voice and murmered in my ear "would you like me to lick your bum?"

I was horrified. Not so much by the question (answer would have been "NO!") But also the weird accent.

'None of yer fancy stuff, just horse it to me'
That's got to be the line of the whole thread!

Closely followed by that's mint that is mush

😂😂😂😂😂 these are hilarious!!
My Ex used to like me saying 'up my smelly bum' over and over as he came. Made me feel so sick because I don't like any type of anal etc. We soon finished!

Ex-p wanted to try luminous condoms and More's Position of the Week, which was some kind of wheel barrow thing.

Halfway through he got double cramp in both thighs. He leapt off the bed & started hobbling round the bedroom screaming in pain. Complete with luminous willy bobbing up and down in the dark like a small light sabre.

I was crying laughing. He wasn't impressed. Mood. Killed.

This thread is hilarious!
A FWB used to say 'tell me I'm a big boy'
An ex 'tell me I'm sexy'
A man 17 years older than me 'who's your daddy' I never saw him again!
DH nice and normal

I went out with a guy for 8 months and the sex was always uneasy and awkward. The first few times he was quiet and id be looking up at him just enjoying it. He obviously felt the silence was awkward and said whilst thrusting in and out "i wonder what we shall have for dinner tonight. Would you like x,y or z" i said "shut up and fuck me". Another time he finally made me cum from going down on me and he was so happy he had managed it (after weeks of not being able to) that he started crying out "I Did It! I managed!" All whilst cupping my face with both his hands and also patting me on top of my head
God im so glad i dumped him!

Unfortunately Fortunately I have nothing to add to this thread

Just

I came on to tell my story but I've already been quoted, I'm the lucky bugger from the other thread who slept with 'there you go' man
I'm still not sure whether he thought me rude for not thanking him for the gift

"None of your fancy stuff just horse it into me" has absolutely made my day

I read the 'horse it in' line on my commute and have been chuckling all day at the memory. Credit to him that it didn't put him off his stroke.

Have just remembered that my fiance used to do something called 'sex pest shark' which would involve him doing the Jaws music and randomly biting me on the boob. Needless to say, we never made it down the aisle.

Past girlfriend used to look me in the eye as we were close and whisper 'Fill me up...fill me up...fill me....."

Never worked out whether she was thirsty for the petrol or the nozzle on the hose needed to be a bit bigger.....😃

smash my pasty

I was 20 and had been seeing this really lovely guy for a couple of months. We finally ended up going back to his after a night out and were starting things up. He pulled off his underwear and it turns out he had been circumcised. Now I'd never seen one like it before and I'd had a few drinks so wasn't thinking properly, all I knew was that there was something missing from there. I looked at it and then him and asked "Where's the rest of it?"

It took me a while to explain what I meant and I think trying to reassure him that his penis was a good size made things worse. Completely killed the mood. I ended up leaving early and we didn't see each other again!

Lordy, these are hilarious!

Saw a guy this week who was into SPH (small penis humiliation)

So there's me fucking him in the arse with a strap on, ranting about how "he's my little bitch and his pathetic tiny cock could never satisfy any woman, he's only good for being fucked in the arse while his stupid little cock waggles around in front." He came all over the carpet

The weird thing was his cock wasn't even small, perfectly average...

I'm laughing so much 😊

'Where's the rest of it?', poor bloke. It's actually meant to be better for the woman, though I can never tell the difference.

I'm quite disappointed, I have slept with quite a few men but I haven't got much to add. One bloke used to say 'now who's a dirty bitch?' And would keep saying it until I replied. Also had one bloke who came with in seconds, I drove over an hour to meet him and it was all over in seconds, he didn't seem bothered at all , I only saw him a couple times, he just made me very frustrated.

My neighbour used to shout "you're the best" loudly to her husband every time they shagged. I could hear it through my bedroom walls (so her kids must have heard it too). Now she is with another chap she yells "harder, harder" which only leads me to conclude he's not much cop in bed (and certainly not the best!). If I'm in a mischievous mood and they are banging away next door so I can't sleep, I sometimes pretend we are doing it and knock the wall with my hand and shout "you're the best".