DH... Anal sex... don't read if sensitive

[secondhoneymoon]

So... Been with DH for over 30 years, married for most of them. We have never spoken about anal sex, not even to discuss respective thoughts about it. Suddenly during sex recently he asked if he could .... I said no and he respected that. But he also told me he had done and enjoyed that in the past. Am shocked he has kept this from me for so long. I won't change my mind on that but now think he thinks that I've denied him something he's enjoyed for so long and feel in a way that I don't really know him. So weird after all this time. Thoughts?

Trying new sexual things you are both open minded to, fine.
What I'm finding odd is the length of time that would appear to have passed since he enjoyed this and thought about suggesting it. Somehow that rings an alarm bell.
First thoughts are that he's watched porn and wants to try it. Then he's told a white lie about the past event, or has he?
He may have tried it in the past and a recent porn viewing made him want to try again.
Either way. If you're really not keen then a no thanks is a no.

Maybe your dh is a secret mumsnetter. Seriously, I wouldn't worry unless he comes home and surprises you with a tube of lube and a trip to CP
I don't think you need to worry about it op, you have been together 30 years. Whatever he got up to before you met is well gone.

First thoughts are that he's watched porn and wants to try it

Of course that's your first thought, because you are a MN Borg drone.

My first thought was he has heard it discussed in one of a million places it gets discussed nowadays and wants to try it.

BackToTheCaveman

Thanks all. Dependency, that's what I find odd too and was my main reason for posting

I was in a similar situation but had not been married quite as long (20+ years). He never actually discussed it or asked but used to quickly withdraw and try and sneak in in the back door during intercourse - no question of lube or any preparation for me.

I know that he watched porn and am convinced it was what he had seen on the screen, which would explain his disregard for the practicalities - did he not think it would hurt doing it like that? He has an arse too - couldn't he imagine how it would feel?

He is now (presumably) happily married to someone else so I assume it worked out for him in the end. Maybe he discussed it with her first and bought some lube.

Have you talked explicitly about what you have/haven't done?

I mean, if you're aware of his complete sexual past - whether he's had sex outside, a threesome, dogging, I don't know - just everything, then it'd seem unusual that he hasn't mentioned this.

If you've had some conversations about some things and you've talked about turn ons etc but not everything in detail, I'm not overly surprised it hasn't come up - "I had anal sex with an ex girlfriend once" wouldn't fit into many conversations naturally!

I wouldn't be overly worried about him having done it with someone else during your relationship unless you already had separate concerns that he's cheating or he has history, because if he was, i don't think he'd have mentioned it to you. It's possible he would have, but not overly likely, I wouldn't have thought.

Given how many men watch porn and how many are not exactly open about hat to tbeir partners, it's hardly an 'MN Borg drone' assumption to think he may have been watching it.

Personally I don't think people should be asked to do things sexually which result in physical damage to them. Our bodies are not designed to be used in this way.

Having been sexually active for 36 years I do find it interesting how hetro anal has become so main stream, to the point of being a bit boring and so plastered all over the place, that frankly its rather vanilla. Of course here we are talking about a man entering a woman. Even, pegging and prostate massage is becoming ordinary. It's not going to be long before we overhear conversations in the boozer along the lines of. "Me missus fingered me bum and gave me a reach around and fuck did I blow a load".

Go down a Wetherspoons and you'll overhear "That bird I pulled last week, really loved it in the arse" (actually mate she just tolerated it because its become expected). More interestingly, there are a lot of differences between what's seen on a screen and what goes down in bed. It just doesn't slide in there for the inexperienced and I'm guessing not many fellas notice the brown tinged wet patch the morning after, if protection hasn't been used or too much lube.

The point I'm making here is that there still is a huge practical disconnect between the cultural references and the reality. Also, did you know there has been a huge rise in anal gonorrhoea due to the belief and propensity of using spit as a lube.

Oh and Secondhoneymoon, No means no and I'm not sure also means no. Also ask your OH if he actually knows what he's doing, does he know how to actually perform penetrative anal sex? Get him to describe what he actually intends to do and what he expects you need to be able to participate. Most men don't realise women have piles too. Does he understand the hygiene factors? And what you would have to do to from a hygiene perspective. Does he realise that constipation or loose stools are a factor. And what is the right position for a good (for you) first time experience. Finally, does he understand that when you say stop it doesn't mean keep on trying

It's hardly radical or inconceivable that he did it 30 years ago. Can't see what the fuss is about really? Most people I know like & enjoy it.

"It's hardly radical or inconceivable that he did it 30 years ago. Can't see what the fuss is about really? Most people I know like & enjoy it."

Yeah, yeah, course they do!

I would also assume it's come from either watching porn, or someone else has suggested it to him and piqued his interest.

Otherwise I don't believe someone would not mention something for 30 years and then suddenly suggest it mid-shag.

I don't think my partner would tell me if he'd done something in the past with someone else, that I wasn't up for. It seems a bit mean. Unless that's just me feeling insecure

In my experience, few women enjoy full-on anal sex and it can lead to bodily damage. There is also a lot of mis-understanding about the mechanics of anal sex. Most of what you see in porn is rough rectal sex. The rectum is not an erogenous zone. The anus is sensitive and linked to sexual arousal - best done by gently rubbing the outer surface and possibly one lubricated finger just inside. Sticking your dick in is neither erotic or generally comfortable. There is also the cleanliness aspect - rubbing the outer area is clean and hygienic - full-on rectal reaming is potentially rather dirty (in the proper sense of the word).

Speak for yourself Singandsing. My view is that it is the most intimate and arousing activity providing it is done properly, and that in cases of mutual exploration and trust with the woman taking the lead it is totally mindblowing. I did many sexual things before i was married, over 30 years ago, that I either have not done or have done infrequently with DH. I find more and more that I muse on what life is going to offer in my final 30 years (if I'm lucky) and thinking about and speculating on trying again some of those activities is not unusual for me. I'd hope that if and when I mention them to DH he doesn't think i've suddenly become a porn fiend.

I would say "Oooo yes! " And produce a big strap on and tell him to bend over

In all seriousness, it's perfectly reasonable to insist a man tries an anal toy on himself before he attempts to put his cock in your arse. Unlike vaginal sex or fellatio it's one penatrative sexual practice that a woman can emulate on a man.

It's also entirely reasonable to not want to engage in anal sex fullstop.

it's perfectly reasonable to insist a man tries an anal toy on himself before he attempts to put his cock in your arse"

PARTICULARLY if he's been watching porn...............

And because men have their prostate in their arse so it should be even better for him. You're cheating him by not doing it really

y'know the sudden announcement after 30 years is actually rather juvenile, for me it shows a distinct lack of thought or empathy and in my mind a real disconnect with the reality of it. For the men reading this, go and stick your finger on you anus right now, notice its dry and if you try to push your finger in, betcha it hurts and isn't easy. Now think an index finger is a half to the third the width of a penis, so go on guys think what that would be like. So before the next time you try the "wrong hole - my mistake" trick with your OH think of what that would be like for you.

Now I know that in an loving intimate relationship, with care, though understanding, lube and foreplay and even more lube, breathing techniques and right position anal sex works and can work well, but guys do you really invest that time? It would be nice if you did and you all probably would be scoffed at less, because where do you see that in porn?

Its sad that men people don't realise that porn is not actually sex, the amount of effort that the actress sex workers have to under go to be able to perform a five minute scene, a day or two of fasting to empty their bowels, anal douching, sitting around with a butt plug in while waiting to try at least to get a bit of strech/relaxation, getting high on booze/weed/h. Don't kid yourself, that is the reality of high end productions all for around $300. Now think of what the traffiked girls go though on the low end productions. That isn't a look of pleasure on her face and an intense orgasm, that serious pain.

Love your posts dependency. Just wanted to say.

Oh look!! It's the monthly anal sex thread!! How exciting... :/

And as ever, we have two separate sets; those who say anal sex is degrading to women and only dreamt up by men / beasts who watch too much porn (ignoring the fact that illustrations in Pompei depict the act. Those old Greek fellas quite liked it too. And all in pre internet days. Imagine that.

And the other set who say, well, if done slowly, carefully, with respect, it's actually quite good fun.

And then you get singandsing who declare few women enjoy it and it's not erotic. Awesome. It's great to hear views as so wildly innacurate as that.

They are not inaccurate, these are people personal experiences and thus accurate to them. Those illustrations in Pompei are surprise, sur-fucking-prise porn, just cos the Roman used the materials to hand plaster and paint doesn't make it anything less and the assumption is it that they were painted in brothels anyway. Trotting out that those "Old Greek Fellas" did it, means what exactly? Some manuscripts survive that don't really give much up on the day to day life of Athenians nearly 3000 years ago.

We live in an age of mass media that spoon feeds us imagery and is Crouching tiger hidden dragon a "real" representation of martial arts? Do you think pornhub is a real representation of what you actually get up to in bed?

Do few women enjoy it or do many women enjoy it? no-one knows actually really knows. It's the emotional blackmail of "you'll do it if you love me" "my ex did it so we should do it" that kills the "eroticism". Hands up all those who have heard those two lines or variations of it.

How many people really enjoy certain sex acts (giving oral, using a vibrator, 20-30 minutes of fisting)? Or is the enjoyment the fact that your partner is enjoying it?
I guess the acid test is how many of you would/do any of these acts purely as a stand alone act (meaning your partner does nothing back to you in return).