Anal sex

[feelinghothothot]

Any real advice on how to enjoy this without biting the pillows? I've tried it a couple of times but I know dp would love to do it more. I'm also keen to get into it. Lube, toys - can someone steer me right?

I find that "begging" (read coercion ) is a real turn off

no wonder you weren't into a particular sex act with someone who put their own pleasure over your discomfort

There are things I wouldn't allow such as thrusting or deep penetration. My most recent partner was completely on board with this and the few times we did it it was great. Had he attempted to do any of the things I didn't like I wouldn't have done it.

Sorry meant to link that to your guy number 2 - maybe he was just a selfish twat who didn't pay attention to your comfort

My dh used to ask me to do it occasionally....It was okay but not something I'd like every week. However, his attitude changed completely when I used my dildo up his bum.. In fact, I don't think he's mentioned it since. I can still recall him whimpering 'I don't like it, take it out'

They were both selfish twats, actually. I was more in love with guy no. 2 but guy no. 1 was generally speaking a lot better in bed in every respect.

Agree that begging is coercive and a major turn off. ExH did that a lot and I stopped finding him sexy at all in the end.

Mrs Dadofsprogs front bottom? Really, Front bottom? Are you 5? It's a vagina, if you're actually a dad of sprogs, you should at least have a handle on basic female anatomy.

You forced your wife to endure a sexual act she felt was uncomfortable, repeatedly. Sorry that didn't float your boat. Ever think that maybe some kind of non penetrative sex might have been better for you both, or are you that lacking in imagination than you have to insert your dick into anything, no matter how unwilling to get off?

This whole thread is grim, but there are some truly stand out grim posts, and colour me shocked, they're all posted by men.... so maybe zillie is right, and there is some sexism going on here.... not from the women though.

OP, if you're not into it, don't. Tell your dp to find other, more interesting ways to get each other's rocks off. Penetrative sex isn't the be all and end all.

This is the thing WhereAreDragons, because the average bloke has no frame of reference, maybe they simply don't get just how much this stuff can hurt or be uncomfortable, unpleasant, not just anal. But the whole being penetrated thing - even if it's your mouth there is scope for it to be extremely unpleasant / hurt / etc. I wonder if there is a sense among a certain type of bloke that women are exaggerating when they say something is not good, that maybe they are saying that to tease, or because they want to be persuaded (talk a "good girl" into "naughty things") or all of these sort of actually very popular tropes. When in fact all the female is trying to communicate is that it hurts like fuck and so she'd just as rather give this a miss thanks.

I mean I've met men who have managed to bosh into my cervix (at least I assume that was what was happening) quite regularly when we had sex (technique? aim? long penis? dunno) but the fact that sometimes it was good and sometimes it was ow fuck no stop would be met with a stop but also an eyeroll IYKWIM.

Dunno.

I actually think it's a shame we can't seem to see anal, done right, as a normal part of het sex. I think the reason it's become a coercive problem amongst young people (maybe) is because it's seen as something dirty and that women shouldn't/usually don't enjoy and that straight people have only started doing it since porn became a thing - wrong! It's been a part of heterosexual sex since at least the medieval period. Yeah sure, go in all guns blazing without lube and a considerate partner and you have a carcrash on your hands (bum?), but thats the same for vaginas and mouths too! Maybe straight youngsters need to know that its not dirty or shameful, and have somewhere they can go for advice on how to do it properly?

My husband is fairly well endowed and I like anal as much as PIV when in the mood. It was me who asked him for it and he refused at first, but now loves it as a treat . We also had an unsuccessful attempt at first but were happy to leave it and try again another day - relaxed and fun is key. He has to go slowly and plenty of good lube is a must. I like to lie on my front with my hips propped up on pillows, and plenty of foreplay beforehand. It usually takes me some time to relax so he literally has to inch his way in and not thrust too deeply, but once I'm over the initial 'weirdness' (not pain, just odd) it becomes nice!

"It usually takes me some time to relax so he literally has to inch his way in and not thrust too deeply, "

Thwt's why it has become an issue with the universal availability of porn- anal sex is not portrayed that way at all.

I actually think it's a shame we can't seem to see anal, done right, as a normal part of het sex. I think the reason it's become a coercive problem amongst young people (maybe) is because it's seen as something dirty and that women shouldn't/usually don't enjoy and that straight people have only started doing it since porn became a thing - wrong! It's been a part of heterosexual sex since at least the medieval period.

Odd.

Porn does have a huge amount to answer for, not only when it comes to normalising of anal sex, but for normalising rough and dangerous sex acts which damage women's bodies. Anal sex, even when done completely correctly, with all the lube in the universe, can and does cause long term health problems.

Anal sex has also been normalised in cultures where it is important for the woman to be a 'virgin' on her wedding night, and the pressure on women within these cultures to be fine with anal sex is immense.

Telling women that something is normal when they find it deeply uncomfortable, even painful, or simply don't want to do it is extremely unhelpful to women.

Yes, Innocent, that was the point I was trying to make, only you did it much better than I!

There are many different kinds of coercion, and social pressure, particularly with very young women, is one of them. Being led to believe that all other women do this, that you might be somehow letting your partner down if you don't try it, these are significant pressures, that clearly comes across in the BMJ article. I am old enough to remember when anal was really considered a pretty extreme niche activity. I've never wanted to try it, luckily for him neither has DH. What other people do in bed is their own affair, and we all have to make our own choices, but I do feel despairing that the modern porn culture has made anal vanilla, as someone upthread said. There are significant health implications to anal sex, that many younger women might never be aware of if they see it as something they are supposed to do, and supposed to enjoy, even if they actually find it painful or unpleasant.

It doesn't have to hurt for a woman to not want it. They can just not like the idea of it and that is an amply adequate reason. What sort of douche bag is happy for a woman to engage in an act they know they are only doing because you have nagged them into it.

re: saying no to something 'normalised' - PIV is totally 'normalised', some girls find it hard to say no, others don't. back in the day and still in a lot of places now PIV is dirty and something good girls don't do or enjoy - was that attitude ever helpful to anyone except the people who genuinely didn't enjoy PIV? Or did it result in a world of pain, frustration and shame? (and unwanted pregnancies) Did it prevent vaginal rape? No.

There are significant health implications with PIV too, and young women are pressured into sex of any kind because 'everyone else is doing it'. I'd like to see young women treated honestly, given the facts and for want of a better phrase to be empowered.

Of course I agree that there are health implications to PIV sex too, but they are to do with sexual disease, which is an issue with any sexual contact at all. Anal sex carries specific health risks. Informed adults can make their own choices, but as someone who was coerced/pressured into my first sexual experience, I am aware that pressure to do anything sexual can come in many indirect ways, not just from the manipulation of the partner, but also from the way that the partner can present sexual activity of all kinds as "normal" and not wanting to engage in it as "abnormal". Many young women venturing into sexual relationships for the first time have the pressure to try all kinds of things that many of them may well be uncomfortable with, entirely due to the insidious influence of porn. I have young dds, pre-teen, but in a few years I will have a teenager, and I really worry about the influence of porn on the boys she will be dating. Not something any of us as feminist teenagers would have imagined, when we naively hoped that the world for our daughters would be a better one because of the stances we took.

There are some folks who are asexual and dont want PIV, nobody thinks about them while we merrily normalise PIV

I don't disagree that porn is responsible for girls being coerced into any kind of sexual act they might not want. I think I disagree with what some seem to think we should do about it - ie: not talk about anal as normal, keep it something kinky and dirty, only for the weirdos to do.

I'd rather it was accepted into normal sexual practise and the same rules applied for it as anything else - mutual consent, knowledge etc.

I have a teenage daughter. I most certainly do not want anal sex to be "normalized" to the extent that any sexual partner she might have would have a reasonable expectation that she would be up for it.

I don't think it's dirty or kinky or only for weirdos. But I do think it's also not for casual encounters or to be an "expected" part of any sexual relationship. Particularly a short term one between young and reasonably inexperienced people.