DS has been put in a different group to all his friends for the residential

[Dogamadeus]

DS is 12 and in year 8 and they’ve got a 3 night residential next month. The groups have gone up and he’s been put with boys he gets on ok with in lessons but doesn’t really hang around with. His 3 closest friends have all been put together.

He’s really upset about it. I thought at first it was just because he wasn’t sharing a room with his best mate but apparently they’re in the same groups for the activities too. He’s now saying he doesn’t want to go which is a shame because he’d been looking forward to it for ages.

They did ask them earlier in the term to put down names of people they’d like to share with and he put his 3 friends. I know they can’t guarantee everyone gets who they want and there’s all sorts for the teachers to sort out, but I don’t understand how all 3 of them have ended up together and he’s the one left out. I don’t know if it’s deliberate or just how it’s worked out.

He’s not a child with no friends, he’s just quite quiet until he knows people properly. He’s known these boys since primary and they’re together most breaks and see each other outside school sometimes. He’s not very good at just slotting into a new group and I think the thought of being away for 3 nights with people he’s not close to is getting to him.

I’ve tried saying he might have a brilliant time and get to know the other boys better but he’s having none of it at the moment. One of his friends apparently said they were hoping to share a room together, so that’s made him feel worse.

It’s cost a few hundred pounds as well, which we’ve been putting money aside for, so I really don’t want him missing out altogether. My partner thinks I’m making too much of it and the school will have their reasons for doing the groups. I’m not expecting them to rearrange the whole year just for him, but surely they could put him with one of his friends if there’s space?

Would you email the form tutor and ask, or just leave it and encourage him to go? I don’t want to be that parent who thinks their child should always get their own way, but he’s genuinely gutted about it.

does he get on with the other boys? If any of them were actively unkind to him then you’d have a reason to contact the school. Otherwise I think he needs to get on with it!

I would encourage him to go and widen his friendship circle. It's an ideal opportunity to develop.

No they’re not unkind to him or anything like that, he gets on ok with them in class. It’s more that they’re not people he’d choose to spend time with if that makes sense. I have said to him he might get on really well with them once they’re away but he’s convinced it’ll be 3 days of feeling like the odd one out. I probably do need to tell him to give it a chance tbh, just feel bad for him when all his friends are together and he’s the only one who’s been put elsewhere.

Maybe they said they didn't wanna be with him

I don’t think so, they had actually said they hoped he would be in with them. They’re his closest friends and they’ve known each other since primary school. Obviously I don’t know exactly what they put on their forms but he seems to think they all wanted to be together. I suppose the school could have had another reason for separating them but I don’t want to start guessing when I don’t actually know.

Have you spoken to school in first instance? I would expect him to get someone he put on the form.

How big are rooms? Presumably 4+ so it seems odd to not have him with the others (just thinking with bunk beds bound to be an even number)

If nothing can be done for whatever reason I would be encouraging him to get on with it and point out he will still have all the evenings and meals with them.

Guess what ? You can't fix everything for your kids . It's not a private holiday, they knew it was going to be a lottery with rooms . It's three days with activities. If I was a school I wouldn't do this for this reason . They are just allocating rooms , they can't know all the personalities involved. Cancel if you want but hope your son gets used to not everything going his way .
I know that sounds harsh but I have a feeling your DH feels the same .

No I haven’t spoken to school yet, wanted to see if I was being daft first tbh. I don’t actually know how many are in each room, just that they’ve been put into groups for the activities as well as sleeping. I might email the tutor and just ask how they’ve done it rather than asking them to change anything straight away. I have said to him he’ll still see his friends at meals and in the evenings, but he’s worried about the actual activities and who he’ll be with all day. I’ll have another chat with him and see how he feels.

That’s what I’m thinking.

strangle they haven’t put two and two in a group.

I would speak to the school, it can't hurt to ask if anything can be done.

For the sake of 3 days and the fact he’s 12 and old enough to understand life doesn’t always go his way, no one involved has done anything to upset him, I’d be encouraging him to suck it up. It’s not 3 full days, by the time they have breakfast and are home for the evening meal and chill-out time it will be over before he knows it.

I'd ask if it can be changed. No question.

Our school promises at least one friend from the list. I don't think its unreasonable to ask what happened

This happened to us last year. One twin was put with her best friend and her sisters best friend in a room. Her sister was put in a room with a random mix of people she spoke to but none close friends.
We spoke to the school very nicely and said if there was any way it could be reviewed then we would be grateful.
They moved twin 2 into the room with her sister and their 2 best friends.

Well now he gets to learn resilience and to make new friends.

There is no problem here

I do get that and I have said he might have a really good time with the other boys. I’m not expecting him to always be with his friends, it’s just he’s been looking forward to it for ages and is really upset that all 3 are together and he’s the one on his own. I’ll tell him to give it a chance, just wondered if it was worth asking school how they’d done the groups tbh.

This 100%. Things don’t always go the way you want them to. This builds resilience and encourages new friendships. Think of it as a positive instead of jumping to the negative.

Yeah and I agree it is a massive shame. But we over parent our kids now and they have no resilience because of it. He will manage and enjoy it. He will still see his friends, but he will also make new ones and have fun

Same happened to me when I went on a residential trip (over 20 years ago)! I had to share a room with children in another class and was so upset. But I had a great time! I got to know the other children and we had a lot of fun. It doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. Encourage him to build and make connections with others- it would be good for him.

I do hope he ends up enjoying it and making new friends, I’m not saying he won’t. Just because he’s worried about going doesn’t mean he’s been overparented and has no resilience though. He’s allowed to be upset that he’s been separated from his closest friends, especially when they’ve all ended up together. I will encourage him to go and give it a chance, I just feel for him at the moment tbh.

@Dogamadeus I do hear the PPs when they speak about resilience, and it's so important for our YP to develop this. But I still think I would email the school and see if anything can be done. It may be that there are reasons you are not aware of for the move so at least then you can explain it to DS (if appropriate)

I used to organise an MFL trip abroad for year 7 each year and we would have a big meeting when we knew what the room sizes were to ask the kids to sort themselves out. I know it sounds wild but honestly it worked. Kind of "OK come to me when you have a group for one of these rooms – six of three, three of 4, two of 5, one of 7”.

The reason I say there may be a reason is that sometimes the DC would be like "we are a pair miss so we need a third person" and you had to find someone who was happy to share; or very occasionally someone with no one on the trip they were close to and then you needed to find a room of three or four for them. I'm not saying that's the case with your DS tho. But something similar might be possible and might even be a positive.

Btw the poster who says why are they not rooms of four – IME of the trip I organised the room sizes varied from 3 to 7 (!) beds.

There is nothing wrong with asking the school and that doesn't mean you expect your child to always get their own way. The majority of the responses about resilience are nonsense, you try and help your child first then if nothing can be done encourage him to go and try. Ignore the previous 'we over parent our kids, can't believe you'd want to help your child instead of just letting him get on with it posters, imagine having a Mum that doesnt even try to help you when you are upset. Hes 12 so nothing wrong with attempting to help him here.

Why would anyone put such horrible suggestions into the OP's head? That is SO unkind.

OP, it's a chance to make new friends and he probably will.

I wouldn't contact the school about it, just tell him it's a great opportunity.

Whilst resilience and other skills people refer to above are important - so is self advocacy. I would ask the school to explain why he hasn’t got one of the three friends he named when they’ve all been put in together. You can explain to him it might not change anything but it’s important to ask. I think people are forgetting how unlikely it would be for an adult to be put in this situation.

People wang on about resilience as if they’d happily share a room with people they weren’t really friends with.