DS has been put in a different group to all his friends for the residential

[Dogamadeus]

DS is 12 and in year 8 and they’ve got a 3 night residential next month. The groups have gone up and he’s been put with boys he gets on ok with in lessons but doesn’t really hang around with. His 3 closest friends have all been put together.

He’s really upset about it. I thought at first it was just because he wasn’t sharing a room with his best mate but apparently they’re in the same groups for the activities too. He’s now saying he doesn’t want to go which is a shame because he’d been looking forward to it for ages.

They did ask them earlier in the term to put down names of people they’d like to share with and he put his 3 friends. I know they can’t guarantee everyone gets who they want and there’s all sorts for the teachers to sort out, but I don’t understand how all 3 of them have ended up together and he’s the one left out. I don’t know if it’s deliberate or just how it’s worked out.

He’s not a child with no friends, he’s just quite quiet until he knows people properly. He’s known these boys since primary and they’re together most breaks and see each other outside school sometimes. He’s not very good at just slotting into a new group and I think the thought of being away for 3 nights with people he’s not close to is getting to him.

I’ve tried saying he might have a brilliant time and get to know the other boys better but he’s having none of it at the moment. One of his friends apparently said they were hoping to share a room together, so that’s made him feel worse.

It’s cost a few hundred pounds as well, which we’ve been putting money aside for, so I really don’t want him missing out altogether. My partner thinks I’m making too much of it and the school will have their reasons for doing the groups. I’m not expecting them to rearrange the whole year just for him, but surely they could put him with one of his friends if there’s space?

Would you email the form tutor and ask, or just leave it and encourage him to go? I don’t want to be that parent who thinks their child should always get their own way, but he’s genuinely gutted about it.

it is a school trip he will get to meet new people
It will be good for him

It does seem strange to ask for friends names and then not put him with any of them.
For our Y6 residential we ask for 3 names and say that all children will definitely be with at least one of them. It can be a logistical nightmare and we often have to split large friendship groups into smaller groups to accommodate everyone. We do mix them up much more for the activity groups, so they don't get to choose, though we try and make sure everyone will have someone they'll get on with.

I would definitely email. Say he’s been put in a room and activity group without any of his friends and is there anything school can do?

school are probably totally unaware of this oversight. It might be a simple fix. It might not, but at least you tried.

This is normally a sign that teachers think that group will mess around so they don’t want to put them together

Why aren't his other friends being expected to make new friends?

They've kept 3 of them together

I don't get some of these responses. What's the problem with asking politely if there's any reason he can't be with his friends?

To me, it seems more 'wet lettucey' to suck things up and not take action that would improve your life (in this case your son's enjoyment of a trip, particularly when you've presumably paid a fair whack for it), particularly when in this case it's a very easy action (quick email) for potentially significant rewards.

IF the teachers then come back with an explanation/say he can't switch then work on resilience, assure him he'll have a great time, etc. But for the sake of a 2 minute email why wouldn't you try and fix it first?

Surely most people would rather share a room with their close friends than their colleagues!

I don’t think it’s behaviour related tbh, they aren’t a naughty group and I’ve never heard of them being trouble at school. They’re generally quiet and get on with things.

Even then you'd expect them to pair the four boys in the friendship group and add the third person listed by the boy that the OPs son is paired with to their pair - with someone else that he reciprocally listed in a pair with him, to make a four.

Teacher here. Please do politely enquire about whether it can be changed. Ignore those banging on about resilience. I hate resilience being used as some catch all for people having to suck up unpleasant things that could be easily changed. A residential is an anxious time for many children and being with people they are comfortable with is important. Yes he may be fine- but also he may not and it’s much easier to make new friends when you have the comfort of a familiar friend to fall back on. Leaving just one of a group out is really not fair.

No I’m not saying you have over-parented him…just calling the school and making adjustments for it all will just be too much. He will survive even if he doesn’t think he will enjoy it, once he is there he will

@Dogamadeus I would contact the school but just to let them know how your DS is feeling. They can then ensure he is supported to make the best of the experience even if not with his closest friends. If you explain to them that it’s worrying him so much he doesn’t want to go, as a member of school staff I’d want to know so if any changes could be made I could bear it in mind. No guarantee but staff will want pupils feeling comfortable as they won’t want to deal with an upset child.

Sorting out trips can be an absolute nightmare for staff. And as a parent I’ve had similar with my DS and a residential, so I understand.

If you had to share bedroom on a trip say hen, would you rather you share with someone you know or be put in a room with someone you don’t know whilst your close mates were in a room/apartment together

Rooming kids on a trip is the hardest bit about the trip! If all four students put each others names down and the room holds three we would normally split them into twos so they at least got one friend, so It might have been an error and I would get your son to ask. I know how you feel, I would worry about my son if it happened, but kids are brilliant and I’ve taken many away and they just enjoy themselves. They spend allot of time in each others rooms too!

Same happened to me at 12. I had a miserable time.

It seems he has a very fixed small group of long term friends. This may be the exact reason the teachers have mixed things up a bit. In my experience, these things are usually done for a reason.

What a horrible post.

He sounds like a nice kid who is naturally disappointed that he has been separated from his mates. Mates are what get you through secondary school and the teenage years. Of course it’s important to him. They’ll remember this trip for years.

I’d definitely email op, but as a pp said, curious not demanding.

Why can't DS ask about it?

Imagine if every parent emailed in and moaned.

I'm amazed they released the room lists in the first place. Our school say "put 3 people, we'll try our best" ...and then let the kids know on arrival.

Agree with people who say don’t overparent.

Yes its disappointing but unfortunately life can be.

Please don’t show your child that if they are disappointed or don’t like something you will step in and try and fix it (for things like this) Because through their life you won’t be able to and they won’t have the tools to deal with it when they are older.

Focus should be on as you are doing saying he can still have a good time, not on what he is missing.

Nit the point but, I wouldn't go if there was sharing ha ha

Sure but surely as adults you would be choosing rooms yourself?

This. Something you’re paying a lot of money for isn’t the time or place to ‘learn resilience ’. I definitely wouldn’t share a room on a holiday/educational trip with people who weren’t my friends - and I’m very resilient I assure you! Don’t make him go if he doesn’t want to.

I’d absolutely speak to the school about this - it sounds unfair
if there’s 3 others they could have grouped the boys in pairs but this seems a bit miserable no wonder he feels like this. A residential is a big deal isn’t it?

My son was placed with his friends from school on trip and I really wish he hadn’t.

Being with new people sharing a room and working together on activities gives much better chance to make new friendships.

Woah - too much. He doesn't at all; just sounds like a normal person!

I would email as it couldn't hurt. He's probably been put in there as he is quite quiet and compliant and they've probably mistaken it for being chilled out about these kinds of things, or have seen him as an easy person to move around to sort out a tricky dynamic elsewhere.

Maybe he was put in there as everyone likes him, and someone with fewer friends in the room he's been assigned has named him as a 'choice'.

You just don't know, so I would let them know. As a teacher, and especially if you said what you said here about the money, I would try and sort it. I've know children be in tears at their groups and then the trip leader be kind of 'no, screw that, let's get them settled' the moment it's come up!

I have also had my DD be separated in the same way in secondary and primary, BTW. She did cope but initially she was really upset. It's different when everyone else is together and you're separated. If one other friend had been then she'd not have felt so lonely and like she was missing making memories that would last.