DS has been put in a different group to all his friends for the residential

[Dogamadeus]

DS is 12 and in year 8 and they’ve got a 3 night residential next month. The groups have gone up and he’s been put with boys he gets on ok with in lessons but doesn’t really hang around with. His 3 closest friends have all been put together.

He’s really upset about it. I thought at first it was just because he wasn’t sharing a room with his best mate but apparently they’re in the same groups for the activities too. He’s now saying he doesn’t want to go which is a shame because he’d been looking forward to it for ages.

They did ask them earlier in the term to put down names of people they’d like to share with and he put his 3 friends. I know they can’t guarantee everyone gets who they want and there’s all sorts for the teachers to sort out, but I don’t understand how all 3 of them have ended up together and he’s the one left out. I don’t know if it’s deliberate or just how it’s worked out.

He’s not a child with no friends, he’s just quite quiet until he knows people properly. He’s known these boys since primary and they’re together most breaks and see each other outside school sometimes. He’s not very good at just slotting into a new group and I think the thought of being away for 3 nights with people he’s not close to is getting to him.

I’ve tried saying he might have a brilliant time and get to know the other boys better but he’s having none of it at the moment. One of his friends apparently said they were hoping to share a room together, so that’s made him feel worse.

It’s cost a few hundred pounds as well, which we’ve been putting money aside for, so I really don’t want him missing out altogether. My partner thinks I’m making too much of it and the school will have their reasons for doing the groups. I’m not expecting them to rearrange the whole year just for him, but surely they could put him with one of his friends if there’s space?

Would you email the form tutor and ask, or just leave it and encourage him to go? I don’t want to be that parent who thinks their child should always get their own way, but he’s genuinely gutted about it.

Of course he’s allowed to be upset over this. We’ve all been there done that. But now it’s your job as a parent to encourage him to make the best of it. Put a positive spin on it instead of just nodding and saying “of course it’s awful that you haven’t been put with your friends “. He’ll see his friends at lunch/dinner/evening activities so it’s only at night and in group activities that he won’t see them. He’ll be too busy getting stuck in during the day to notice. I bet you.

We had to on school trips all the time. It’s fine.

We've been on both sides of the fence here, once when I said "well you need to get on with it" and it did spoil the experience, and another time, when DS was just by chance put in his 'ideal friendship group' - he had an absolutely amazing time, mostly because of this.

I'd email.

Similar happened to my dd14 - she went on a school trip that had limited spaces and was the only one in her gang of friends who got a spot from the ballot to go on the trip. She

She ended up in a room of girls she barely knew and that caused some big jitters but in the end had THE best holiday she’s ever had. Even better than the family holiday to Disney in Florida, she says!!

One of those girls is now her best friend and she hangs out with her “roomies” as much as her old friends now.

When gcse classes were decided she ended up with some of her new friends in her classes and it has all worked out brilliantly.

I would quite happily do that. The OPs sone sounds like a wet lettuce and does need to develop some resilience.

A bit unfair to call the boy a wet lettuce. It seems like the issue is not really about being in a different group but being the only one of the friendship group to be separated out so it must feel really unfair to him and he is worrying why him. It would be completely different if they were all separated and what is the point of the school asking them who they wanted to be with if they ignore totally ignore it!

I haven’t read all the comments but I have a daughter who is the same age and seems similar in personality to your son OP - I have and would email the school. If they can’t do anything then fair enough but at least you asked.

The kids were asked to put a preference, so I think it is fair to check on why he his preference was completely ignored. I could see a school splitting them into 2 groups, so they had a mate with them but also had an opportunity to make new friends. In a group of 4 I would expect school to keep 4 together or to split evenly

@MellowSubmarine it is normal to be a bit anxious and disappointed in a situation like this but it’s important sometimes to allow yourself to exist outside your comfort zone. That’s how you grow and learn. And often you surprise yourself - it’s better than you think. And if it does go badly then you learn how to cope. It doesn’t do our kids any favours to deny them the opportunity to learn how to cope with difficult situations.

We do allow ourselves and our kids to be too comfortable even in “safe” situations and that can inhibit a natural path towards independent adulthood.

There is always so much more going on behind the scenes, that you’ll never know about but staff have to juggle.

They may see him as kind, a steadying influence, useful diversion or ‘group glue’ for someone in the group he’s been assigned to. Maybe that person’s need for his help is greater than his need to be with his friends.

They may have concerns about his dependence on his friend group. They may want that group to support their assigned fourth person for some reason.

You can ask the school but keep it curious, not demanding.

Ultimately it’s not a private holiday, so you have no choices.

I think like PPs have said no harm in discreetly asking and then if it's not possible see it as an opportunity to meet others. I do feel for him I remember for a hen do I was put in a 'group' with people I didn't really know well and was unreasonably gutted for a 30 something not to be with friends but apparently it was because they thought I'd be friendly with people who didn't know others as well 😆

I'm sure the teachers have their reasons like he might be a good influence or nice fit with someone else who doesn't know as many people

Contact the organisers. If he’s not sharing a room with his friends, he should at least be in the same activity group. I have actually organised these groups in the past. It is tricky and takes a long time but the aim should always be to be fair and arrange it so everyone has a good time as far as possible. The sooner you discuss it with them , the better.

Did they all get to choose three friends? If so, did his three friends definitely all list him too? It sounds like maybe not?

I'd ask the school.

I can't help feeling your perspective on this has been skewed by him still having the same friends from primary school. Most children his age have already learned to make a whole new set of friends quickly, or at least get along with people they don't know well, when they start year 7. I'd say it's unusual your son hasn't had an experience like this where he's started knowing no one or without besties.

At 12 I'd be expecting him to develop the skills and resilience needed to deal with this. In a few short years he could be starting a sixth form where he knows no one, or a university where he almost certainly won't, never mind starting jobs and new hobbies. This situation - familiar faces but no best friends - is the perfect opportunity for starting to learn to deal with these situations.

So I wouldn't contact the school, I'd be supporting him to manage the situation.

I really feel for your son, speak to the school to see if they can change things. Its a big thing to go away without your family and then to find out that you haven't even been put with your friend group, it must be so upsetting/disheartening. He must wonder why the school bothered asking who they would like to be put with if they're just going to ignore the students preferences. Never mind resilience, try your best to sort this out for him.
Good Luck and i hope your son has a wonderful time with his friends.

It won't hurt to ask the school but now the list has been published i can't imagine much will change. I do think, however, it is ridiculous that he would consider not attending because he isn't with his friends! This is the perfect opportunity to get to know other children in a more relaxed setting. Who knows, he might actually find he enjoys their company more. There will come a time in the not so distant future that he will go his own way in life (College/ jobs etc) and have to meet new people... so this is a perfect opportunity to start!

I think at 12 you need to encourage him to go without getting school involved, he needs to learn to mix with other kids, if the boys suddenly fell out or started hanging around with other kids your son would be on his own. He’s old enough to be able to fit into new groups.

I would definitely chat to school and find it hard to believe that most people wouldn’t! Not because I would want my DC moved groups to be with their friends but because I’d want school to know that they were nervous.

Ask the school. Sometimes things just happen by mistake, and maybe this can be fixed. It is all very well to say, as so many people have, that he should just suck it up but he is still young and this does seem like it might just be an oversight. Usually schools say they will put a child in with at least one of the people he requests to be with.

Email the school. It can't hurt. I had a child who was utterly miserable on a school trip and would have collected her if it hadn't been in another country. Great for all the posters with 'resilient' kids but if he is miserable the whole time it is a waste of money.

My son just came back from a residential. He was put with one of his list and two boys from his wider friend group. His friend actually moved into another room after one night as he needed a quieter room. And the other boys were happy because apparently the friend ended up being quite the snorer. 🤣

So friends as roommates don't always work out. And it certainly hasn't impacted his friendship with his friend.

You can ask if he can change but remind him it is only 2 nights and it won't matter once they're there.

Would he ask his tutor if he can be with his friends?
I think he is old enough that it should come from him.
Or you could email and ask tutor to speak to him?

And this is why we don’t announce the dorm and activity groups until we’re on the coach…

I wouldn’t hesitate to be “that parent” and would see if I could get my child moved. I’d want my child to enjoy his trip as much as I hope to enjoy my holidays. Not everything has to be a lesson in resilience.