Daughter being excluded from prom

[user1471497170]

My daughter is year 11 and sits GCSEs next month. She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru. She has never settled in school. However she has made significant improvement, not on any behaviour plan, is revising hard and should pass GCSEs and do her chosen subjects in college.

She has autism, anxiety and some physical health issues that are likely linked. Getting her into school is a struggle as she feels unhappy there but we make the effort and her attendance is good.

Although much improved her behaviour score is not high enough to meet the 90% prom threshold (reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted). She was informally told this week the final decision is that she will be excluded from prom.

Now all the girls have their tickets and she is beside herself. They are all making plans and talking about dresses and she now feels unable to continue going to school due to feeling so distressed about this. She is worried how she will cope with the sense of exclusion having to keep hearing about prom in school and assemblies

She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months however I have not received a satisfactory response. There has been no communication to me from the school about their decision or how they will support those excluded. Please can someone advise how I can escalate this further and if possible externally.

Out of interest in a cohort if say 200 how many do you think wouldn't be able to come because they wander?!

Well obviously they can help on the family farm like most farm children do their own lives but they won't be able to work fully independently if they can not pass certain exams and wouldn't be able to take over the farm without having to employ others to do it these jobs. Which would have huge consequences for the running of the farm
If they wish to be employed by farms they wouldn't be very desirable by the farms so are less likely to be employed

But that is one example there are plenty of others where young people are expected to do maths and English to a specific standard before they can do some courses. This wasn't an issue previously (unless those skills were fundamental to the course ie needing maths to do accounting is logical) when people could excel in plastering without needing a grade C equivalent in English to do the course

I'd like to think that. Some children though are remarkably quiet about their roles.

Yes. That's within normal.employment practice. Organising whole staff/ team socials and excluding underperforming staff is not, for very good reasons. You'd never get away with trying to persuade adults you were doing it for their own good.
I've realised from this thread Schools have created the ' prom which is a bonus' completely forgetting the place it has in a young persons life and self esteem at a crucial stage.

My mother is living evidence of this.

Back in her day she’d have been sat at the back of the class, or possibly in a corner. She does not have basic literacy or numeracy skill, which in fairness when she got a job packing crisps into a box - she didn’t need, and she’s still there now.

However. She can’t understand doctors letters, she’s just had me tonight trying to explain how her pension works and what to do with it, she can’t do her own life insurance, she can’t renew an energy tariff. She’s 64, there’s no dementia, she just doesn’t have the basic life skills she needs.

Yes. She doesn’t need them for her factory job. But she needs them for her life, and I don’t know why we’d deprive our children of the chance to have that.

It's not for the good of the excluded children. It's for the good of the others. So their night can be enjoyed without Timmy doing something stupid and ruining it for everyone.

Timmy did once sneak into a prom venue he was banned from and we shut the whole thing down because no one would take responsibility for him. The only action to take was get the other children taken away so someone would eventually collect him. Some parents realty don't give a shit.

This wasn't a valuable moment to build Timmys self esteem. This was an exercise in Timmy proving once and for all what a twat he was.

You do realise children are still leaving school at 16 now without those skills now

People here on this thread have argued it's a message which will educate them about consequences.
Ok so I'm not sure what that demonstrates but surely he must have been doing drugs or planting bombs or likely to attack or something like that, to provoke such a reaction. Because you didn't shut a whole prom down 'just to prove what a twat he was' .
So out of interest when a kid is assessed as a risk and excluded ( no problem with that done proportionately) what happens when they show up ?

We phone all the parents and get the other kids collected in that case. Because Timmys parents wouldn't come to collect him. You can't have a child running riot at prom, knowing they are untouchable and causing damage etc.

Timmy proved he was a twat, no one else.

completely forgetting the place it has in a young persons life and self esteem at a crucial stage. @Warmlight1

You seem to be completely forgetting the cultivation of resilience in young people at a critical stage. Resilience is built by facing consequences of one's own mistakes. OP's DD will not truely grow up when she keeps feeling like a victim. And you are not helping!

If OP’s daughter goes to the prom after complaining, two things might happen. First, she may realize that her bad behavior has no consequences and that she can get whatever she wants by playing the victim and whining. Second, she might still feel excluded at the prom, making her even unhappier than before.

I’m a SENd parent who’s child can’t pass a risk assessment to go on school excursions, even to a playground.

Yes. I realise that.

But that’s a reason to improve engagement, placements and attainment, not just pull them out of school because it doesn’t suit them.

There are some of the skills that education gives us that we all need, and making it less important won’t help anyone.

Because some students are a risk. Either because they might be violent/destructive or because they might wander off and endanger themselves. In places that have let anyone go it’s been grim. In one place I refused to ever attend again.

You’ve been told repeatedly that it’s at most 1 or 2 in a cohort who aren’t allowed for all reasons. Not sure why you are making such a big deal of it.

I’m not sure this is accurate. And in any case it’s irrelevant to this discussion.

You are totally unprepared for de this from the point of view of staff who have to attend for it go ahead, aren’t you?

Very few are functionally illiterate leaving school. But it’s you going on about why it’s bad everyone has to have qualifications.

Home education is a valid option and many SEN children that are left to drown in schools do far better at home. Schools should met SEN needs but in reality this rarely happens.

It may not be relevant but you asked so I answered

Nope - I was answering the person who asked why things are worse now for SEN pupils.

My sons school does, that’s why I haven’t brought him up amongst the discussion around your personal circumstances.

He’s not ready for trips out, his regulation is nowhere near where it needs to be and he is too big a flight risk. He’s 2/3:1 in the community depending on his mood, and they don’t have the staff to dedicate to that. I’d prefer he didn’t go and get lost at a zoo.

EHE isn’t an option for everyone. We both work full time, and want to. We also want him to be around his peers and learn the skills he needs from being at school. Pulling him out of school would be a loss to him, and us.

But I also appreciate he can be a challenge, and don’t expect his staff to put him or themselves in a position they’re uncomfortable with or he’s not ready for. He wasn’t invited to his school performance last year. That’s okay, he’s not ready, and I don’t place the blame for that at the schools door.

Our whole discussion started because you said it was wrong farm kids had to have qualifications (it was an example, but even so).

You're lucky you can work that wasn't an option for us - home Ed wasn't a choice we made through wanting to it was a choice we were forced into because school.wouldnt met needs.

Which I said in response to a comment from someone else because it was relevant to their comment. Do you police everyone's responses on mumsnet ?

Yes, very lucky.

But OPs daughter does sound more similar to mine, in that she hasn’t yet proven herself able to manage or be managed at a public event.

Which from that position, I don’t feel personally offended by when our son isn’t able to attend school events.

It’s not their fault he can’t cope at them, or that he’ll likely run off. It’s not his either, he’s very high need, but he’s not being discriminated against when he’s not taken somewhere he can’t successfully be.