Daughter being excluded from prom

[user1471497170]

My daughter is year 11 and sits GCSEs next month. She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru. She has never settled in school. However she has made significant improvement, not on any behaviour plan, is revising hard and should pass GCSEs and do her chosen subjects in college.

She has autism, anxiety and some physical health issues that are likely linked. Getting her into school is a struggle as she feels unhappy there but we make the effort and her attendance is good.

Although much improved her behaviour score is not high enough to meet the 90% prom threshold (reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted). She was informally told this week the final decision is that she will be excluded from prom.

Now all the girls have their tickets and she is beside herself. They are all making plans and talking about dresses and she now feels unable to continue going to school due to feeling so distressed about this. She is worried how she will cope with the sense of exclusion having to keep hearing about prom in school and assemblies

She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months however I have not received a satisfactory response. There has been no communication to me from the school about their decision or how they will support those excluded. Please can someone advise how I can escalate this further and if possible externally.

What were the two complaints and why did you feel they were unsatisfactory? Were they to do with supporting her education? Have you followed the complaint procedure? If so, what are the next steps?

I would treat the invite to prom a bit differently as schools don’t have to provide proms and they do so at their own discretion. You could ask for a phone call to clarify about the 90% behaviour score and how they plan to support those that haven’t met that threshold. But no one has an absolute right to attend prom (unless the decision is discriminatory in nature).

Has the SENCO had any involvement- have they (or you) suspected any neurodivergence?

As an aside and going forward, I’d also ask what support you have been able to provide as her parent re MH. Have you seen GP or other mental health professionals?

Considering she has a disability that’s terrible to hear. Her behaviour may well be because of the ND, my AuDHD son, when bullied and provoked will fight back, not ideal but I’ve bee up to school so many times to ensure the kids picking on him get into trouble too, always to a lesser extent than my DS of course as he has been provoked and kicks off. I’d be telling them they’re being ableist

It's really sad for your daughter but I'm not sure you have grounds to escalate this really. As the PP has said, it's the school's discretion whether to provide a prom and whether to limit attendance based on behaviour. It sounds like they use it to try to improve behaviour across Y11 - but obviously it doesn't work as an incentive if kids who haven't met the minimum standards are allowed to go anyway.

I'd focus on an alternative for your daughter - a big treat for getting through Y11 and doing well enough (by the sounds of it) to move on to her chosen college course. She could throw a party for all her friends so that she still gets to celebrate with them, or you could arrange a lovely day out doing whatever she likes best.

Frame it as, she has worked really hard and made progress towards her future, and that's what really matters. Prom is honestly not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things and she will have many other opportunities over her life to go to wonderful parties and celebrations.

Try to encourage her not to wallow too much about the prom - it's disappointing but sometimes in life we don't get what we want, and the world keeps turning, and that's a lesson we all need to learn.

To penalise an autistic young person for this ‘behaviour’ is discriminatory. I’d be absolutely furious. None of her behaviour has been disruptive, they are just being pedantic and ablist.

Can the OP be sure that the behaviour was due to autism though? How do you tell whether bad behaviour is due to autism or just regular naughtiness?

Prom is about the only hold schools have over y11s, so I can see why they use it.
However if she can't help it / has made improvements in can see the issue from your side, especially if it is impacting GCSE run up.
Sympathies but no suggestions.

Why don't you think she should face the consequences of her actions?

Schools don’t seem to budge on these things once the decision was made. There was a case at my child’s school involving (very) bad behaviour due to similar and grief at home. They were excluded due to this and nothing and no discussions changed it.

don’t give up but try not to give your child hope they will change their mind as it’s likely they won’t due to precedents set.

good luck with it all.

This is so cruel. It's another demonstration about how so many schools just simply don't understand or support the struggles of neurodiverse pupils (despite often claiming they do).

I think you have grounds to inform the school that you will now be taking advice regarding whether this is a case of disability discrimination against a pupil with a diagnosed disability recognised under disability discrimination law.

My DDs school didn't always understand my child's neurodiverse needs but they were never cruel. Her attendance in year 11 was very low as she was in a very severe autistic burnout. She was however still invited to all of the end of year events including prom. She only attended for about an hour but that hour was very important in terms of her mental health.

I'm not sure where you can go for advice. Perhaps Citizens Advice, your GP or CAMHs.

I can barely believe the cruelty of this. In my opinion the exclusion should only be if there was a history if violent behaviour, drugs, or drinking.

Complaints were:
reminders, uniform points and going to toilet when not permitted

I only read this far into the op - She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru.

You don't get referred to a PRU for struggling with friendships - not will the risk of her not being able to attend prom come as a surprise - I have every confidence that you were both told the requirements of her behaviour and attendance in order for her to attend. Unfortunately she has not met these requirements, so she isn't allowed to attend.

Unless you have serious grounds for complaint (SEN needs are not being met, criteria for reaching the requirements not allowing for SEN etc) I think you're not going to sway the school's decision.

SEN aside, she didn't meet the requirements so isn't going to prom. Maybe she'll get to go to the college prom instead.

A friend of mine with an autistic daughter is having exactly these issues at the moment.
School uniform violations (her skirt is "too short") but she's 5' 10" and wearing the longest length they make. She's not rolling it up.
She also will "fight back " and "snap" when provoked or pressured. Recently the school decided she had fake eyelashes on. She didn't. She had some mascara on which she removed.
Four members of staff then inspected her and insisted she did have false eyelashes on, and she lost her temper as two of them had her in a side room and were right in her face, checking.

At times like this I truly wonder if the staff are interested in educating children or whether they're just trying to enforce rules for the sake or having rules.
Instead of all this stress, they could have let her sit in the classroom and do her work. Which she was until she was pulled up for "rule violations".

That’s what the behaviour score was on. It isn’t clear that was what the complaints were that the OP raised with school.

@user1471497170 I totally misread about your daughter being autistic. If you feel the behaviour is due to her autism where school have not made reasonable adjustments then that’s what I would base it on. Eg the uniform issue is due to her sensory needs, the going to the toilet without permission was due to anxiety flight. But equally teens with SEN can also have teen behaviour that’s not related to their disability. That’s why I asked about SENCO involvement and external agencies like GP, CAMHS as a way of evidencing what is autistic behaviour for your daughter and what is teen behaviour.

There’s a thread like this pretty much every year from someone whose teenager has behaved so badly they are excluded from prom.

It does come back to actions having consequences. Her behaviour was so poor they considered PRU? That’s a high threshold. I am ND myself and have a ND young adult child. I still think the school is correct to enforce and maintain behaviour standards.

I imagine it would cause similar issues if other children who didn't meet the behavior score were excluded and found out that it had been waived for your daughter.

If you're suggesting that the incidents impacting her score were indisputably caused by her Autism, these should have been challenged at the time. Or a lower threshold/target agreed if her autism was going to make passing impossible.

Regardless, surely you were both aware of the required behavior score and that she was below it? Did you not prepare her for the fact that she likely wouldn't be able to go? Or discuss with the school ahead of time to see if there was some kind of target they could have set the her to attend?

It seems like you had no issues with the bad behavior markdowns as they happened, knew her score was too low, didn't do anything about it and assumed that she'd be given a pass 'just because'. Now you're complaining because that hasn't happened.

I'm not sure what you're expecting from the school. They've made their decision based on their behavior policy. If you thought the policy was discriminatory towards your daughter you should have raised it long before now. They're not required to 'support' children excluded from a prom. It's a punishment. Again, if you thought the policy left your daughter at a disadvantage you should have done something about it before this point.

She's under camhs, neurology, paediatrics for physical health symptoms and GP currently. Her behaviour 18 months ago that'll led to the pru referral was on a different level altogether and if she was behaving anything like that now I would completely support an exclusion from prom. She has made significant progress despite finding school very difficult and is doing the best she can. The complaints were about this prom policy which I feel discriminates against those with additional needs. I was asking how I can escalate my concerns further as feel this sanction is detrimental to her GCSE engagement and wellbeing.

The school have been really silly to let students know they can’t go to prom before GCSEs were over. They usually tell them after GCSEs to not cause any upset that could impact their exams.

If you feel your daughter has been treated unfairly, I would go and talk to them face to face with evidence of the progress and improvements she has made, medical evidence that links her behaviours to her medical issues etc.

Prom is not part of compulsory schooling. It’s a celebration and the school are allowed to exclude those whose behaviour could affect the night.

OP's child is autistic all the time so it's never going to be a case of 'whether it is the autism or just general naughtiness'.

This often really tricky for people to understand. Autism is a social communication difference which frequently impacts a young person's capacity to form relationships in their education settings (with peers and adults) and lives in general. What OP describes is not unusual, but what is shameful is the school's stance.

OP, my YP is autistic and has had a tricky time in school as a result. But DC's school is falling over itself to include DC in Prom (still doesn't feel able to go, but is glad to be invited) and school wouldn't for a minute suggest that the challenges DC has faced over the years have been down to 'just general naughtiness'.

Your poor DD.

Do you know how bad things are when a student gets a referral to a PRU?

Prom is usually voluntary for staff, done in their own time. They don’t want any students whose behaviour they can’t rely on. Your daughter’s behaviour is clearly challenging. The policy will be clear the school will have used it as a carrot, it will have been discussed in assemblies, behaviour meetings etc.
You and your daughter knew the rules, you want your daughter to be treated differently, that wouldn’t be fair on others who have met the threshold. If you keep making excuses for your daughter and complaining about the consequences her behaviour won’t improve.

And yes, I am autistic as are my children - we still know how to behave, and it makes me very keen on rules being followed. Don’t blame autism.

Her behaviour wouldn't effect the night - as said its reminders, uniformpointsand goingto the toilet. If that was a concern for the school I would support the exclusion.

Yeah, we experienced this.

Highly unlikely they will back down I’m afraid.

It sends the wrong message to younger years as it’s the only carrot they have left by that point in the term.

Perhaps that would be a positive thing to do. However, I'm always sceptical about this, because we did give in to one parent in this kind of situation, let their daughter attend, she did and she kicked off big time.
Perhaps she could give appropriate assurance and evidence of self management.