Daughter being excluded from prom

[user1471497170]

My daughter is year 11 and sits GCSEs next month. She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru. She has never settled in school. However she has made significant improvement, not on any behaviour plan, is revising hard and should pass GCSEs and do her chosen subjects in college.

She has autism, anxiety and some physical health issues that are likely linked. Getting her into school is a struggle as she feels unhappy there but we make the effort and her attendance is good.

Although much improved her behaviour score is not high enough to meet the 90% prom threshold (reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted). She was informally told this week the final decision is that she will be excluded from prom.

Now all the girls have their tickets and she is beside herself. They are all making plans and talking about dresses and she now feels unable to continue going to school due to feeling so distressed about this. She is worried how she will cope with the sense of exclusion having to keep hearing about prom in school and assemblies

She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months however I have not received a satisfactory response. There has been no communication to me from the school about their decision or how they will support those excluded. Please can someone advise how I can escalate this further and if possible externally.

Not making assumptions - autistic girls in particular are being so badly filled by education and schools. And the schools / LA do not do anything to support.
So while I can not know the specifics of OP situation - I do know that autistic young people are being unfairly targeted and not having their needs met on a massive scale. ND young people are far more likely to be excluded from prom than NT young people.
There has also been those with health issues such as cancer who have been excluded from prom due to attendance being low (absence directly related to health). So I do not believe for one moment that schools are making decisions based on fair parameters and taking disabilities and health into consideration

I don't think the OP is giving the full picture here. To almost be sent to a PRU your child's behaviour must be having a serious disruptive effect on the education or safety of others. You don't get that sort of referral for uniform infringements or similar low level behaviour. Most students with autism don't come anywhere near referral to a PRU, so you need to stop kidding yourself and look at the bigger picture. Does your child go into meltdown whenever she doesn't get her own way? How much learning time has been lost by her peers having to wait for her to calm down?
How much anxiety has she caused for staff and fellow students with her behaviour? Teaching staff cannot be directed to supervise a prom, so these events rely on volunteers. Staff can refuse to attend if they feel that unpredictable badly behaved students are being allowed to attend.
Could it be that your child has such unpredictable behaviour that staff feel she might spoil the event for everyone else?
If so, she can be refused a ticket. The enjoyment for the majority outweighs giving someone with a poor behaviour record and extra chance. It's called consequences.

And we have heard one side of the story here.
Do you always believe everything on face value?
Why was the OP not complaining before this if she felt her daughter was being dealt with incorrectly?
I think daughters behaviour was far worse than OP is making out. Schools don't do this lightly.
Actions should have a consequence.

So she won't do as she is told yet you think that she should be rewarded for that? Being ND doesn't mean there aren't consequences for your actions. Every other child there has had to behave to earn the right to attend, your child was given extra chances and still done as she pleased.

Well put and I totally agree.

Please don't try and claim it's not possible for a autistic person to sometimes behave badly without it being related to their autism.
Just because a person is autistic doesn't mean it's impossible for them ever to just be behaving badly.
Not all behaviour an autistic person exhibits is caused by their autism. Plenty of teenagers behave badly at times - they are known for it. Autistic teenagers are not special angels immune from intentional bad behaviour.

Lots of autistic children attend school very well, behave and go to prom. My autistic child didn’t go to prom because it’s too loud, too much social pressure, clothes too uncomfortable.
I find the abelist assumptions that autistic people can’t follow rules very offensive.

It’s just plain cruel, nothing else. So glad I’m not in the UK.

I don’t know what this shit is about not letting a kid go to prom because of attendance

Because of constant poor behaviour sure. But attendance which could be as a result of many things that’s just not ethical it’s awful

All schools have a similar policy which is really clearly explained and emphasised to students during the year.

She got negative marks, and therefore isn't going to prom.

The fact that her behaviour is not as bad as it was is utterly irrelevant. Her behaviour is bad if she's getting negative marks.

She, and you, would have known that she was getting negative marks and yet behaviour was not changed.

How can you possibly know that?

Some of her behavioural issues might be autism.
Some might just be poor behaviour - typical teen.

You cannot possibly know?

If OPs daughter was at the point if referral to PRU that is way beyond behaviours due to autism that were beyond her control. You don't get referred to PRU for bring overwhelmed in a busy classroom and quietly leaving, or for struggling with the itchy jumper fabric so wearing an alternate jumper that's really similar same colour etc but a smoother fabric.
You only get referred to PRU if your behaviour is so bad it's seriously impacting on those around you.

FAFO

Welcome to the real world where whatever the cause of your actions, those actions have consequences.

There were zero school proms back when i was @ sch., mind you I wouldn’t ever anyway have gone to it.
I hated school, & would never allow schools authority to have power over my attitude, thoughts & feelings.
(i never did anything against sch rules… tho quite difficult @ a boarding sch.!)

I was going to write the same. A PRU referral isn't made lightly. I've worked in several secondaries all of whom have had students moved to PRUs and the behaviour has usually been extreme. I'm talking violence, threats etc over an extended period of often years. I agree that the level of SEND is higher in PRUs but similarly there are many many students with additional needs (including autism) in mainstream school whose behaviour has not been destructive enough to warrant PRU and who have happily attended Proms.

Autism can explain extreme behaviour, certainly. OP states that her DD's behaviour has improved since being in a PRU (no doubt with the support of specialist trained teaching staff and other professionals) but has still not reached the minimum targets in order to attend prom. There should be notes in her records if she needs to go to the bathroom frequently - going without permission is a safeguarding risk (especially in a PRU) for example. Likewise if her uniform has caused issues these should have been resolved with the SENCo a long time ago, not weeks before Prom.

OP hasn't told us why her DD ended up in a PRU in the first place - they don't refer just for friendship issues...

Your daughter will not be the only child in the school with neurodivergence and/or mental and physical health issues.

Are children with these issues being excluded from Prom at a disproportionately high rate compared to children who are neurotypical and don’t have health issues?

If that’s the case then you have grounds to argue that this is discrimination as the standards being required aren’t realistically achievable for all children.

If not then I think you may have to accept that she is at least partially at fault. Your example of wearing mascara to school can’t be argued as a sensory issue, for example. If she wasn’t breaking the rules about make up, she wouldn’t have been in the situation of being grilled about fake lashes.

I would encourage her to reflect and take responsibility for her actions, and use this as a learning opportunity going forward.

I don't think anyone is saying autistic people can't follow rules.
But some rules in schools unfairly discriminate against some autistic people.

One example is a tie. Some autistic people find a tie sensory overwhelming. So if they unbutton the top button and loosen the tie this may mean they can focus and manage and learn at school. Technically against the uniform code but not naughty or disruptive. This could however, result in behaviour points. If a teacher is particularly strict them may also pull this child up and target them. If the child is made to tighten tie they may overwhelm and fidget due to being so uncomfortable, this can annoy the teacher who will issue further behaviour points and further reprimand the pupil. The pupil isn't able to concentrate due to how uncomfortable they are and so doesn't finish their work or has made mistakes. Teacher tells them off again and gives more behaviour points
This one tiny issue could result in many behaviour points being received.

One lesson in one day and already the negative behaviour points are stacking up

She’s not in a PRU, she said she almost got sent to one.

That tells me that her behaviour did escalate to a point where they started considering managed move, exclusion, PRU etc, but she pulled it back.

Clearly not far enough to get a prom ticket, but enough to have not been excluded since.

Like you I’ve worked in secondary schools, and PRUS, and that’s some turnaround of behaviour. Usually they’d have wanted her out before she went into Y11, at the very latest.

Which is why I think she’s put the effort into getting from terrible to still not great but better, and hasn’t actually gotten the benefit from that that she was hoping for.

She's under camhs, neurology, paediatrics for physical health symptoms and GP currently. Her behaviour 18 months ago that'll led to the pru referral was on a different level altogether and if she was behaving anything like that now I would completely support an exclusion from prom.

But also...

The complaints were about this prom policy which I feel discriminates against those with additional needs.

And yet 18 months ago you would've completely supported a policy that you feel discriminates against those with additional needs???

So what you are saying is that the OP's daughter can follow rules when she sees fit??

I don’t think I did say that, no.

Prom aside though, we can’t be telling kids that they need to take steps to improve their behaviour, and then telling them they’re “following rules as they see fit” when they do. Talk about moving the goalposts.

I attended Prom as staff a few years ago.It was held in the main function room of a hotel but the father of one of the students spent the evening in the hotel bar 'on call' ready to deal with his daughter if she kicked off. It might be worth offering to do the same if it's your DD's behaviour at prom that's the issue?

Ime 1-2% of students are excluded from prom and they are the ones who have regularly ruined the education experience of their peers.

It was called a Leavers Ball when I attended mine in '89, but I imagine the principle is the same.