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Secondary education

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Original poster

My daughter is terrified to go to big school

418 replies

Suede82 · 22/08/2025 03:00

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

OP posts:
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DOCTORCEE · 26/08/2025 21:31

WifeOfAGemini · 22/08/2025 04:18

Maybe stop calling it “big school” for a start! She is no longer 5.

Acknowledge her fears. Point out to her: on day 1 everyone will be nervous, absolutely everyone. No one will be bullying anyone in the first few days! It will just be about finding your way around the school, meeting classmates and learning your new timetable.

She might have the “wrong” shoes, bag, water bottle, coat and pencil case. If so and that’s hugely important then those things can be fixed with a quick shop on Vinted. No biggie.

Then ask her what’s the best way to make people like you. It’s really easy - smile and make strong eye contact and say nice and confident, “hi I’m (name).” Practice it with her. Remind her that “fake it til you make it” works - if you seem open and friendly and confident, you will make friends.

Remind her that friendships break and remake at secondary school: none of my DD’s excellent primary friends are close with my dd now. They all found new tribes as they grew up - the kpop crew, the TikTok popular girls, the sporty sensible ones, etc. Still mates but not besties.

She might be the only one without a smart phone, and that is something you’ll maybe want to think about if school says she needs a device to manage her homework.(Things may have changed but my dd would have really missed out on the class and subject WhatsApps. You do realise that you can stop her downloading apps and control pretty much everything she does if you set up the phone correctly?)

Agree, I thought we were talking about a preschooler until I reached the second paragraph.

Poodlelove · 26/08/2025 21:37

Buy her a phone and the same shoes as the others asap.
She is feeding off your anxiety.

blunderbuss12 · 26/08/2025 21:38

Very interested by on here re phones - would be interested to know the age of the kids whose parents are saying phone is a 'must' for y7.

My experience is there has been a fast, noticeable, shift in the last 2 years away from kids having phones in y7&8, and lots of schools now banning them entirely until sixth form.

If you choose to not give your daughter a phone OP I very much doubt she will be alone

Nestingbirds · 26/08/2025 21:41

Do not be that mother that allows her to be socially isolated without a phone. She really will struggle socially as the children chat to each other all of the time and make plans etc. I have seen so many dc become isolated due to parents prioritising what they want rather than what is best for the child.

OneFunBrickNewt · 26/08/2025 21:42

Momstermash94 · 22/08/2025 04:37

Definitely stop calling it "big school" and "play date". Phrases like that are very likely to get her bullied. I mean this kindly.

Is it possible that someone that is bullying her is moving to the new school as well and that's why she's nervous/scared?

Spot on.
And she must have a phone. Doesn't have to a be a smart phone.
I teach state Y6 and by the summer term, all the kids have one.
Get used to not knowing other children's parents. Good luck.

bridgetreilly · 26/08/2025 21:43

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TickingKey46 · 26/08/2025 21:45

Most secondary schools have extra settling days for children who had additional needs, and social needs. I would be contacting the school and seeing if they can advise.
My children have a special sim card called "parentshield". Look it up its brilliant. What i would say is my daughters secondary school do all their homework on line, so unless you have a lap top etc your child will struggle to do the homework if she doesn't have a phone. Also she won't be able to go to her friends house to do homework, so may well feel left out.

Nestingbirds · 26/08/2025 21:45

Also we have noticed the dc that were denied a phone earlier and the learning experience managing comms etc. They were the same kids when they finally got a phone that became completely hooked on them! Children need to be guided to use them safely and carefully with boundaries. It’s really sad to see children never invited to anything because they don’t have access to the chats the other dc are included in. Quite frankly just asking to be left out.

Talkingdonut · 26/08/2025 21:45

Definitely stop using phrases like "big school" and "playdate" she's not 5. Everyone will be nervous but I would reconsider the phone thing as a) its an easy point of bullying b) she will feel left out as kids make plans via message (I don't think I have spoken to anyone parents of children at secondary school) and c) they will probably use class charts or a similar app for homework and communication.

FudgeSweet · 26/08/2025 21:49

TeenLifeMum · 22/08/2025 07:25

As a parent of 3 teens, I strongly believe that dc should have a movie when starting secondary, BUT, strict rules around it. Giving a dc a phone at 13 is, imo, recipe for disaster. At 13 they think they know everything so it’s harder to instil rules. At 11, mine knew the rules, never challenged them and handed phones over, asked permission to use outside of the set rules (usually to call a friend from their bedroom as we have a no phones upstairs rule) and they do not have TikTok. They have WhatsApp but we have strict rules on groups - no while class groups and permission asked for any group (this is where experience tells me issues arise). So group with their 2 best friends is fine but they check it by me. By doing this at 11, at now 14 the rules are embedded and we don’t have battles. We have been able to support and teach good phone use. I think that’s harder to do at 13 as they have been too influenced by friends at this point.

I think anxiety about starting a new school will be heightened by the phone thing. Knowing everyone else will have one and you’re different is so tough. I understand why parents are trying this route but I think a bet route is to decide rules and stick to them so you can teach safe use and build trust.

I totally agree with this. It's sound, sensible advice.

I can understand your reasoning for the phone thing as you hear so many horror stories but there is a middle ground.

My kids had a phone for their 11th birthday. They soon both came off of WhatsApp making that decision for themselves as it was full of drivel and kids being silly. As they were year 6, I knew all that f the parents so I could have a discreet word if things got out of hand. Very good practice for year 7.

Both of mine are mid teens now and only have WhatsApp. No other social media. That was a good compromise.

Don't make your daughter be the odd one out on something that can be easily fixed and will cause less anxiety.

Our rule was that for the privilege of having a phone I was, and still am, allowed to check it at any time I like. They are good with that and we've had no problems.

RafaFan · 26/08/2025 21:52

PreciousTatas · 22/08/2025 08:03

People are being over the top about getting dd a phone, probably to cover for their own lax and lazy parenting.

Dd has lots of friends and is very popular.

She is in year 8 and doesn't have a phone. They aren't allowed them during school hours anyway after a huge porn/bullying scandal through whatsapp broke out in year 7 last year.

She chats to friends on the house phone and when she has gaming time. She knows she'll be getting one when she is 16.

There has been plenty of research showing the very negative affects of allowing under 16's access to social media and phone use (especially if they are allowed them in their rooms at night). Getting your dd a phone is not a neutral act, it's a negligent one, often by parents who are constantly glued to theirs too.

Phone use by pupils is banned in all schools in Nova Scotia, Canada, where I live. We are lucky that there are lots of kids in my neighbourhood that my kids hang out with outside school and my son contacts others through Kids Messenger on his tablet which he has at home.

LilacFrances · 26/08/2025 21:52

Speaking as a teacher, I hope everything goes well for your daughter. I realise from what you've said that your daughter is anxious about starting her new school. Would you consider talking to her about looking out for other girls who appear to be anxious or alone on the first or second day? Would she have the courage to approach just one of them and help them to have a better day? That's sometimes how solid friendships are made. I wish her (and you) happiness for this new chapter.

Itstheshowgirl · 26/08/2025 21:57

FudgeSweet · 26/08/2025 21:49

I totally agree with this. It's sound, sensible advice.

I can understand your reasoning for the phone thing as you hear so many horror stories but there is a middle ground.

My kids had a phone for their 11th birthday. They soon both came off of WhatsApp making that decision for themselves as it was full of drivel and kids being silly. As they were year 6, I knew all that f the parents so I could have a discreet word if things got out of hand. Very good practice for year 7.

Both of mine are mid teens now and only have WhatsApp. No other social media. That was a good compromise.

Don't make your daughter be the odd one out on something that can be easily fixed and will cause less anxiety.

Our rule was that for the privilege of having a phone I was, and still am, allowed to check it at any time I like. They are good with that and we've had no problems.

Show quote history

Agree I have a 12 year old and I check his phone every day, he hardly uses it other than to phone his friends to ask them to come round or go out. He has a WhatsApp group with his closest friends where they share stupid videos (like old school You’ve Been Framed style) or occasional Roblox chatter.

I made sure that he spent lots of time with friends the summer before he moved up to Highschool and they sorted meeting on the first morning by themselves.

I think people are right and you need to stop infantilising your DD, it does her no favours in the long run.

TheLemonLemur · 26/08/2025 22:06

It sounds like you haven't accepted she is growing up - i assumed you were talking about a 4/5 year old who was scared to go from nursery to primary. I hope you are not referring to play dates when you make arrangements you will make her a target for teasing or bullying.
By your daughters age most kids are using their phone to make their own social arrangements, sending pics of their shoes, bags etc. She is going to struggle to fit in if she doesn't have a phone to message on

NuovaPilbeam · 26/08/2025 22:07

Get her a brick.

Isn't she meeting her friends through summer anyway and planning who she'll walk with etc?

She's 11, she doesn't need to try on the uniform like a 5 yr old. Just don't make a deal of it. Don't call it "Big School".

A major factor in children's anxiety is hovering over protective parents who shield their DC from all risks. Send her off to call for friends and walk to local cafes/library/swimming, encourage independence

TicklishMintDuck · 26/08/2025 22:12

Cheeky19863 · 26/08/2025 21:09

Its lazy parenting to not be able to contact your children when they are out with friends and for them not to be able to call you if they need you when theyre out! Neglectful parenting

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So parents in the 90s were lazy and neglectful, then?

Glowstickparty · 26/08/2025 22:16

I think her anxiety about the shoes is that she is trying to fit in and doesnt want to stand out. She can stand out by not having a phone. When friends are planning meet ups she may get forgotten as they can’t contact her. I think you will make her world harder by not having one. You can restrict the phone use by using Norton etc. If her anxiety is bad it may help if she can contact you.

Kumudu · 26/08/2025 22:19

I would recommend magnesium to help with her anxiety. Perhaps get her some blood tests as well yo ensure everything else id in order,

This is the one I give my daughter.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0DPJCCSZ3?ref=nb_sb_ss_w_as-reorder-mobile_k0_1_3&amp=&crid=2IO60UXZG7RN7&amp=&sprefix=mag

CJsGoldfish · 26/08/2025 22:25

I have absolutely no doubt that everything you are doing is with the best of intentions but, are you sure you are not inadvertently adding to your dds anxiety and fear by making such a huge deal?
Calling it 'big school' and talking about/arranging 'play dates' won't be helping, I assure you. It highlights the huge shift that is occurring in a way that can't be at all helpful. Infantalising never is. Though, again, good intentions but probably only adding to the anxiety.
I know the shoe thing may seem silly, and the issue of the phone non negotiable but you need to make sure not to be dismissive of her feelings.
I had a firm rule of no phone until 13 and that was fine for the first 2 but by the time I got to the 4th, it really wasn't realistic. Ignore those who call it 'lax parenting', it does not need to be a smartphone but that communication channel is important. Not the phone but the channel. We don't even have a home phone and haven't for a number of years
When I was young, it was the home phone. Spent a lot of time waiting for calls, making calls and arrangements with my friends. Not being able to do that IS a difference that your dd will feel, managing that in the best way for her is important.
Just make sure that your words and actions are empowering and not feeding into or projecting a sense of anxiety. This is sometimes hard to naturally do but it's really important to be aware of.
Good luck to your dd. I hope she smashes that first week of what is a big step :)

TeenLifeMum · 26/08/2025 22:25

TicklishMintDuck · 26/08/2025 22:12

So parents in the 90s were lazy and neglectful, then?

Show quote history

To be fair, I love my parents but I was a teen in the 1990s and spent most of the decade drunk in fields (friends with farmers) with parents thinking we were being wholesome and camping 😂 They weren’t neglectful, just different times.

BUMCHEESE · 26/08/2025 22:27

TizerorFizz · 22/08/2025 23:55

I thought she was 4!! Not 11. The phone is needed to fit in. You need to speak to the school about anxiety. Listen to her over the shoes. The popular ones cannot be that bad. Just relax the reins a bit - she sounds over controlled and therefore isolated. Just relax a bit!

My DC didn't have a phone in y7 and is thriving. It's not needed.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/08/2025 22:28

She needs a phone. She will be left out and miss out on socialising without

DeemonLlama · 26/08/2025 22:35

Reckon not letting her have a phone will make her feel different. Just try to eliminate the differences. We let my DD have a phone for high school I think they sometimes see it as a trust thing. We got her a cheap second hand one to start to see if she could be responsible as she was a young 11, but also got her a cute personalised case and it made her feel like she could contact us if anything happens. No WhatsApp or tiktok or internet even but she loved it and it really helped with the adjustment.As for the shoes didn't she pick her own? DD has been choosing her own in which case what's the problem if it's what she chose? Honestly the bags seem to be the concern at my DD high school.... apparently if you don't have the right bag??? Honestly I couldn't care less about bags so got her a rucksack, but a year on in DD has chosen an impractical hand bag paid for it herself out of her birthday money, so as a previously overbearing parent I am trying to chill and just let her call the shots a bit more as everything has changed since year 6 and my DD is a completely different person. I hated it but you have to adapt otherwise they hate you 🤣😆

Mrsgus · 26/08/2025 22:40

I seriously hope you won't be taking her in on her first day of high school? (not big school, that's what I and my friend's called infant school!!) Dropping her off yes, but not actually you meeting up with the other girls she will be going in with as well as her, that will more than likely be a trigger for any potential bullying!!

QueenofFox · 26/08/2025 22:42

Everyone being weird about the phones. My daughter is about to start Y8, she has a Nokia as does around 50% of her year. She’s had a flying start to secondary and normal texts are fine. WhatsApp is one of the biggest causes of bullying in secondary schools, about it! She’ll be five, it’s a big change.

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