My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

This

I am despairing at all the she must have a phone comments 🥴

OP I think you have done a difficult but brave thing in sticking to your guns on no phone rule.
Especially smartphones, no matter how locked down you think it is there are ways and means around things. What’s App is notorious for bullying.
Social Media rules are 13+ including WhatsApp.. Smartphones should be banned for under 13 yo too.

A brick phone for contact purposes and GPS if needed for the journey is fine.
An iPad/tablet will allow the use of the school apps that are necessary.

Rather than making your daughter fit some ideal that she has has to have the perfect shoes bags etc
Work on confidence and self esteem and being your own person. But let her choose what she wants and prefers.

I do agree with commenters about the language around it. ‘Big School’ doesn’t help. Allow her to feel her feelings but reassure her that change and new things are scary but she will soon settle. Give her coping strategies and things to say/do if she’s stuck.

@Suede82 get her a phone, can you not see that you are playing a big part in her anxiety? She’s going to senior school, not reception! I’m sorry you’ve only got yourself to blame here. You’re being over protective and by doing so you’re hindering her independence and not harnessing her confidence.

Secondary nurture teacher here. Few tips

1. take her on a day out and buy a transitional object something like a keyring you both have that she is allowed to have. Ask her when she is feeling anxious to hold it and you will know because you have the same. It’s amazing at 11 years how well this works.

2. little pictures of family inside pencil case helps with security.

3. email the school and explain how she’s been feeling over the holidays ask for a person of contact in the inclusion department to check in on her first few days. Try and get an email so you can talk directly to one person.

4. do an excerise asking her to write down all her worries never mind how silly they seem.
   dived a page into four squares and label them big worries I can control big worries I can’t control small worries I can control and small worries I can’t control. This can be very therapeutic just having everything in one place. Talk about how worrying about things you can’t control is pointless and just makes you feel bad, for things that can be controlled make a bullet point plan of how you can control it.

good luck

I’d bet cold, hard cash that she’s in this state because her mum is a helicopter parent who has babied her all her life.

Play dates, big school…seriously? I really hope you don’t use those terms to anyone else as your daughter must be shrivelling up with embarrassment.

Of course she’ll likely be isolated without a phone, but that’s up to you, of course.

I think you need to remember that at their age, fitting in is so important to most kids. Why would anyone take steps to stick a big “bully me” sign above their child’s head? No phone means no way of keeping up with group activities (not play dates), weekend plans etc. She’ll miss out on loads. They’ll ask why she hasn’t got a phone and when she says her mum won’t allow it, how do you think that’ll go down?

I mean the social side of things is very important at high school, and unfortunately kids that age can be very cruel so it’s no wonder she’s feeling anxious. I’d say you are disadvantaging her by her not having a phone (she could have a basic one doesn’t have to be all bells and whistles) but high school is when parents tend to take a step back in terms of arranging things, I can only imagine the social suicide of a potential friend asking to socialise on the weekend etc and your daughter having to tell her that her mum will have to contact you to arrange?

It’s especially important for girls in terms of fitting in, so I’d just tell her it is easily fixed if she wants to change bags/shoes etc after the first day.

Don't set your daughter up to be different by not allowing her a phone. The desire to fit in is strong at that age and you setting some arbitrary age for her to have a mobile seems very inflexible especially if she has been bullied before and seen as different. You can always insist on certain things like no social media so she just uses it for communication with you and her friends.

Big School and playdates are best terms to be forgotten now she is secondary age. It makes her seem younger than the others and she will not thank you for babying her. Acknowledge her anxiety and ask her what would help her.

Unfortunately school is not the best place for all children these days. My youngest granddaughter who is autistic cannot attend due to anxiety. I think the system is broken for many kids.

I read that twice assuming it must be a Nursery child going to Reception!
Had she had any input on her choice of shoes? It sounds like she desperately wants to fit in and feels she won't.
What's the plan for day 1, who is she walking with? Have you practiced the route?
Lead by example, tell her anxiety is normal but it's ok to sit with those feelings, don't pander to them.
Are you ready for her to embrace this next stage?

Get her an iPhone.
School is hard enough without parents who mean well, unintentionally socially isolating their children.
Kids will find any reason to bully, but equally try not to be the reason they have one.

Hypnotherapy and breathwork before its school anxiety based/refusal/phobia and you have a huge battle on your hands. Some on YouTube if you can't afford a therapist

Also no phone is social suicide tbh I'm not surprised she is anxious about that. With parental control and safety talks a phone for senior school isn't unreasonable

I despair at all the 'she must have a phone' messages too.
However, I wrote one of them! That's the situation we are in, and as much as you are right that it's a shame we as a country are in this situation, the truth is that any child starting secondary in 2025 without a phone is at risk of social exclusion/isolation. Not even nefariously- they just won't know what's going on.

@BUMCHEESE Feelings do come into this though. Also what is happening to her regarding friends. If everyone communicates via a phone, you are disadvantaged and left out by not having one. Great if that doesn’t happen and dc knock on your door or include you in plans made at school, but it’s not like this for every child and they are on the periphery of social arrangements.

Plus this DD is apparently bullied. This might be because she’s very controlled by parents and not allowed to do what others do and cannot make her own plans via a phone. In the overall situation, a basic phone could work for her as long as she understands bullying can come via a phone too.

My view is that friendships are vital and she needs skills to seek out like minded dc now she’s moving on to secondary. The fact some dc thrive without a phone is irrelevant if this DD feels she’s excluded because she’s not got one. Or getting one for 2 years.

First thing my son was asked to do on starting secondary last week was to take out his phone and photograph his timetable.

They can also pre order lunch on it through an app to avoid the chaos of the queue.

He has only just got his friend's numbers and is not interested in joining any of the big what's app groups.

School is 15 miles away. Realistically he needs to be able to contact me.

Perhaps it might make your daughter feel more reassured to know she can call if the school bus doesn't turn up etc.

Will she somehow magically be ready at 13 for one? In some ways it's better to get it done now with limited use and strict checks rather than make her obsessed with getting one and waiting til she's a teenager with greater knowledge of how to buy pass your controls.

Get her a phone

Reading the first few pages of this thread, I am pleased that my DS will not be going to senior school until Year 9, at which point we will give way to getting him a phone. He is going into Year 7 this year and certainly will NOT be getting a phone, but then I am not aware that any of his friends have them. I guess we are pretty old-fashioned and playdates (we call them that) are still organised by parents. At school they all have very (very) basic tablets which are able to access school or home wifi for homework but have no direct internet access, and the school firewall prevents any non-school apps being downloaded.

you could have a look and see if there are any initiatives by the school or groups of parents for Smartphone free childhood? I think all the comments saying she must have a phone are very sad. And so many saying ‘get one or it’s social suicide!’ - if more parents said no this wouldn’t be the case and they’d all have to learn the social skills the normal way. This way those with the phones aren’t learning the skills and neither are the ones who’ve ’committed social suicide’ as they’ll be bullied if these posts are to go by.
If I was you op I would look for groups of parents who also are saying no to phones within the school. I’d probably have done this before applying to be honest and found out how much they allow phones at school..
I think shoes and stationery you should let her choose - these are small personal details which can bring a bit of joy amongst the monotony of the rest of the school prep stuff. Agree stop calling it Big School and drop the words play dates..! Are there activities/ sports she wants to do? Find out about those asap so she has a chance to meet friends there aswell. Xx

Genuine question, are all your schools really close or are you not worried if they have longer journeys?

I'm in Scotland so the catchment is big but we've already had a bus breakdown and not turn up for them. I'd already gone to work so I'd have been getting the text to say he hadn't registered and not know why.

Didn't need or want a phone in primary but there are no longer phone boxes. The buses go to different places and several new kids seem to manage to get on the wrong one every year so they can end up miles away.

Poor kid get her a phone. Help her get the right shoes, bag and water bottle - round us it’s patent brogues or ballet flats with big black long handled bags . Other areas it’s kickers and sport backpacks so do get it right. But a phone is essential for making friends and also if she misses bus etc or if there’s a problem.

We’re Year 6 and very very few kids have smart phones. A couple have dumb phones. As someone said there’s been a big move and campaign against them. None of them even want one!

Quite. And in my DCs school we collectively as parents decided that none of us would get them a smartphone. 40 girls going into Y8 and not one of them has a phone. Am amazed at the number of adults on this thread advocating for phones for 11 year olds.

Incidentally, we watched Educating Yorkshire (or maybe it was Manchester) and while I doubt it’s representative of an average senior school, OP, I don’t recommend letting your DC watch it if she’s already nervous about moving to senior school, the behaviour of some of these children was really awful.

She'll survive. >99% of people do.

@tachetastic Preps in y7 and 8 aren’t the same though. A very sheltered environment and parents belong to a club so it’s all organised by the “club”. State dc are generally not like this in y7.

Hate Americanism - play date. Dont they just play?

@Radicalpiloti The op just said a phone in y9. No idea where the notion of a smart phone came from. Just a basic phone would help her fit into a state school.

No judgement here but this is a depressing thread with all the votes to get her a phone. I wish parents would get a backbone and not give in to giving kids phones. I'm thankful I'm overseas and phones are banned in school.