My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Well, what's the school phone policy? The school DD is starting at is smartphone free and they don't do anything school based on them- manual planners and homework books. She's got a flip phone. She's not even that interested in that, her lack of snake playing is a travesty.

We know loads of kids who didn't have smartphones until year 9. It's not that unusual. I'm a governor at a smartphone free secondary and our behaviour and safeguarding incidents have plummeted since we did it, plus it's saved loads of staff time. It's not teachers' job to police it.

If you go on the smartphone free childhood website then you might be able to find (the irony) WhatsApp group for the school she's starting at.

Our school is good. Have you done things like practice the journey?

Have you done things like practice the journey?

That is something we also did - got them to time it and work backwards - even younger kids who would likely be walking in with siblings just so they knew how long and could work backwards for timings.

It's harder if there a school bus as there was for DN and me and my siblings. Also if they are meeting up with friends allow more time - IME it means it takes longer and they may need a time to leave by as someone is always late.

@BasilPersil Op said no phone at all. Where did you get no smart phone from? No Phone. Not the same.

Calling it big school and referring to play dates she when is 11/12 probably isn’t helping.

I would avoid calling it big school to her. It may be worth considering that you could get her a mobile at this age on the condition you monitor it and help her navigate using it. It means that she is supported and taught how to do it and not stand out amongst the other children. Perhaps she could begin using it more independently at 13 (but still monitored). You could ask anonymously (so she doesn't feel even more embarrassed) on local groups about what shoes the other children are wearing at this school to reassure her. When my daughter went for her transition day before the holiday, I sat in the car and looked at what clothes and shoes the students were wearing and what bags etcetera they used.

Big school? I thought you were going to say she is starting reception. Why are you treating her like a baby? Let her have a phone. How will she text and call her friends? How will she get in touch with you if there is a problem on the way to and from school?

Woah. The us of the word ‘we’ here worries me. She should really be making her own plans now. She can do that without a smart phone.

I agree with everyone else regarding phones. They're a necessary evil these days - it IS how they all organise themselves. DD bestie shares a phone with her dad and even that works fine.

Everything else will work itself out 💜

My daughter is going into year 9 and doesn’t have one. She’s not alone without one as many friends don’t have one either.

As a secondary school teacher, I can confirm that not all Y7s have phones. They’re not old enough for any social media and they’re not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. When you say that meet ups will be arranged via SM, remember that a dreadful amount of bullying goes on too on phones. They say nasty things that they’d not say in person.

OP, many new Y7s are nervous about starting secondary school. Everyone will be wanting to make friends. Most of the girls are still very young and not interested in make up, etc. I hope your daughter settles in quickly.

Thats a massive leap from year 7 nerves

Please do NOT drag her crying into school. I tutor children who have literally been dragged in crying ... it gets worse and the trauma has long-lasting consequences.
Secondary schools are very difficult places to navigate - vast, full of confusing draconian rules and a huge jump in demand. It is not suitable for everyone, and a child who has already experienced bullying will be understandably anxious.
You need to communicate with the school as soon as possible.

Welcome to 2025 not everyone has a "home phone". Hardly neglect. Give your head wobble

Goodness me - get her a phone - with all the apps - these things matter - no wonder she’s anxious

Then they could use a parent’s phone instead, couldn’t they? I agree, it is lazy parenting.

Please reconsider the phone. If her first day does not go as planned she needs the reassurance that she can call you at ANY point xx

I find it quite neglectful that you have no idea where your child is upto the age of 16. They have no way of contacting you if they are in trouble, lost, hurt etc and you have no way of contacting them. Will your child never leave the house without you until shes 16 or are you happy for her to go out and not be able to contact each other?

Phone stuff aside - I will give you the secondary school advice that was bestowed on me by my brother, and that he has bestowed upon his children.

“Don’t get a massive backpack that’s almost as big as you, and do not button up your blazer or you’ll look like a Mormon.”

Timeless advice, and when I was terrified it’s the only advice that actually calmed me down because it made me laugh.

Its lazy parenting to not be able to contact your children when they are out with friends and for them not to be able to call you if they need you when theyre out! Neglectful parenting

Most schools don't allow phones in school now.

Perhaps she uses the house phone to ring her friends on their mobile phones? She doesn’t need a mobile phone to keep in touch with friends. My daughter did have a mobile phone when she started secondary school because she had a journey of over an hour each way so I wanted her to be able to contact me easily if she had transport problems, but I wouldn’t have lwt her take a phone to school if she had lived close by.

I’d get her a phone. She almost certainly won’t be allowed to use it at school, but she will need it to communicate with friends and make arrangements! Even checking things like when did Miss say the science homework is due in!

I think you may need to be self reflective and think how you might be transferring your own anxiety onto her. You refer to 'big school' and 'play dates' and so maybe you are struggling to accept that she is getting older and letting go.
It is a huge step for everyone no doubt.

I would get her the shoes she wants and a basic phone so she feels like she fits in from day one.

Get her a phone! She will be really left out and bullied without it!
you can set up parental control, check all the messages etc so you can still make sure she is safe on line.
but honestly I would be anxious too if I had to start in a new place and know I will be different from everybody else as my family won’t get me a phone for 2 years based on some kind of crazy rule

I would review the decision about the phone - shes absolutely right she will be the odd one out - and will miss out on arrangements. How will her friends contact her? Because it won’t be through you. You will be isolating her.

Wrong shoes and bag - maybe important, you need to listen to her and adjust things if you can.

She is going to secondary school not big school, and you won’t be arranging play dates - once she had found her group of friends she will be arranging for people to come over or to go to the park.

Acknowledge her fears, work with her where you can help - and keep lines of communication open.