My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

You should not be making plans now though. If you don’t give her freedom you will be resented. All the kids from primary school with drift. Get her a Nokia without internet. Give her some independence though seriously

I thought she was 4!! Not 11. The phone is needed to fit in. You need to speak to the school about anxiety. Listen to her over the shoes. The popular ones cannot be that bad. Just relax the reins a bit - she sounds over controlled and therefore isolated. Just relax a bit!

I'm a bit tech illiterate but my dgd has a phone and her mother is able to monitor all her interactions

Exactly. This is Mumsnet, all our children would rather be climbing trees or doing craft than making duck faced TikToks.

I don’t understand the assumption that if a child is given a phone so they can keep in touch with their friends then they won’t go on a trampoline but instead watch beheading videos.

Exactly. This is Mumsnet, all our children would rather be climbing trees or doing craft than making duck faced TikToks, while their mummies are preparing huge salads and a third meal of that roast chicken 😁

What is this fallacy that kids stop doing fun activities as soon as they have a phone?

@Suede82 you need to step away from organising your dd's social life. "we are meeting with lots of them" is unusual for a yp going into year 7. It's the summer when they start walking places by themselves, meeting with friends without mummy coming along or organising their social life.

I'm concerned that by being so involved, you might be unintentionally risking your daughter’s friends seeing her as boring or immature. At this age, most kids are eager to do things independently with their peers.

I remember at that age an over involved parent was a red flag. You worried that if you fell out that their mum would be phoning the school to complain about you.

So you give your kids phones but don’t like the school lets them use them?

If you don’t want your child to sit staring at a screen don’t give them a screen.

I like them to use them in moderation to relax after school and make arrangements with friends. Not throughout school! Plus not having a phone when literally everyone else had one would have been a step too far. I know what is like up grow up feeling left out and I would never inflict that on them.

The way it runs now in school is so much better but there was a period when schools spent know how to handle it. Unfortunately they were exactly in that period.

Most over protected dc don’t go from phone novice to phone moron in 2 weeks. School should control use and look at ways to ensure there’s less anxiety about school. Once dc see themselves as a victim and cannot find a way out of it because they don’t have friends, it feels very lonely. So I’d try very hard to get dc to see she can make new friends. Larger schools have many options and she will have a bigger pool of dc there. Learning to navigate school is important and she needs confidence to do it. So fresh start with everything.

Ex secondary teacher here. It’s normal to be nervous. It does sound like you’re still thinking of her as you get than she is. A phone would help her to fit in as pupils communicate via them now. She’d be out of the loop if she couldn’t even text.

Same. I only came on to this thread because I was a Reception teacher and thought I might be able to help.

It’s odd for you to be best friends with your DC’s friends’ parents! At primary school or nursery, maybe that’s the case, but at secondary school it’s likely that you will never, or rarely, meet your DD’s friends’ parents.

@Toomanywaterbottles It’s not odd really - like minded people find each other and stick to the “rules” the group subscribes too. Dc are therefore controlled by their parents and have a curated friendship group. I’ve seen this quite a lot. Other dc not welcome!

God yes. It often carries on after primary too.

Agree with everyone else, sounds like you are treating her as much younger than she is and making her fears far worse. I have two children at secondary school. I know almost none of their friends parents, they need to arrange all social lives themselves, this would be hard without a phone. Mine had phoned for secondary but no social media (still the same now for 16 year old, he chooses to have no social media.) Also their timetable and homework is all on an app on their phone and they are often asked to take photos of info in school, they wouldn’t manage without a phone. I would strongly suggest you reconsider on this.

Tell her everyone is nervous to start but she will have lots of help and support from the teachers. Tell her it’s normal to feel nervous and then move on from the discussion. Don’t play into her fears. Get her to contact her friends (DONT do it for her) to ask about what shoes bag etc they are getting, and get her the same if that’s what she wants. Year 7 kids just want to fit in. My son (now going into year 8), was nervous for his first day but it’s all fine after one day. This is only a big deal if you make it one.

Also you mention pushing her in on the first day of term? Please tell me you’re not taking her to school?? Unless they have significant additional needs secondary children travel to school with their friends, being taken by parents would definitely make them a target for teasing.

@bootle96 I imagine the dd is close to school refusing.

Maybe but if this is the case, a thread on Mn isn't going to help, especially as OP isn't engaging with the replies. If Op's dd is at risk of school refusing, the idea of dragging her in is preposterous and OP should do her utmost to get a good counsellor to support her and her dd asap.

My daughter is terrified to go to big school

I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

It's one thing if the daughter is stressed and worried, which is fairly normal, unless it's more than normal worry, in which case, she needs urgent support. It's another thing altogether for the OP, a grown woman to be terrified.

Catastrophising is part of the problem.

Odd to write such a detailed OP and then not comment in any meaningful way subsequently.
Possibly not the answers the OP wanted?

Enabled and caused by her mother.

I have a friend who I really like but her anxieties are massively being projected onto her daughter in various ways and have been since nursery.

There's a bunch of us who are concerned and we are fairly sure the school have similar worries.

As I say we really like this friend but we can see she's borderline Munchausen by proxy in various ways and it's troubling. We don't quite know how to help both of them except to offer support and challenge her when we can rather than enable it. Friend has a massive backstory which we sympathise with but it's starting to get too much for a couple of the group too.

The infantilisation, the 'she couldn't possibly do this', the 'she is at risk of x because y' and the 'my child has to have all the right things otherwise they will be bullied' to the point of mum going completely ott on buying things she can't afford and then saying to everyone else who doesn't have those things (and really aren't arsed) that they won't be seen as cool enough is really unhealthy and has impact on all those around them.

The kid is much better off and happier when mum isn't there whispering all this in her ear. She just gets on.

But unfortunately mum has created a codependency because of her own issues so I foresee a car crash eventually playing out in some form either cos mum causes an issue or because daughter eventually rebels against mums behaviour. We are trying to help and support her to prevent this.

The OP is definitely displaying a red flag here in her wording that most posters have picked up on.

The OP really needs to step and ask if she's creating these issues rather than them coming from the daughter because that's what it looks like.

If the daughter does school refuse, mum gets to say 'oh well I knew it' because it is self fulfilling and it plays to mum's anxieties and traps the daughter with mum rather than allowing her to flourish. That's the real danger - and actually the change to high school is a point where the daughter is at risk. Mum can't cope with daughter growing up - and almost tries to prevent it. If she doesn't go to high school she can control the daughter...

It should be seen through this lens rather than through the lens of it purely being the daughter panicking because it's coming from somewhere and there's something driving it. Previous bullying alone doesn't explain it given the OPs comments.

Exactly. If the child had no issues with primary attendance and school refusal is being talked about before even starting secondary then something has gone wrong. From the ops response it is sounding like the mother is the problem

Honestly: Get her a nice phone and tell her you will monitor it. Don't question every little thing on it though.

Dd1 struggles socially and they were the best thing for her, because she got into a couple of nice WhatsApp groups and that meant she got a presence on them which then translated into real life.

Contact the school (email may work best) and say she is very anxious - some schools have an extra settling in period.

Don't walk her into school holding her hand - if you can find a friend for her to walk in with that will be much better.
Do arrange to pick her up, a couple of streets ahead, so she can leap into the car and flee if need be, but tell her to send a text as she leaves to say if she needs that or not. If she doesn't, then she's walking with friends which will be much better.
If she does want a lift, it may be she's tired rather than a bad day, so assume it's gone well.
Ask positive questions for her with an answer like "Did you get your timetable?" "Was there anything nice for lunch?" not "did you make any friends?" "Did anyone sit with you at lunch?" etc.
Encourage her to join a few clubs, they're a good way of meeting other people in different forms.

The OP has long disappeared.

However, lots of valuable advice for other posters who feel stressed about their dc starting secondary or whose dc are slightly apprehensive.

@MargaretThursdayYou might actually get a conversation if you ask open questions which cannot be answered by Yes or No. So ask what’s on the timetable. Ask what day(s) sports are played. Ask what she chose for lunch. Closed questions don’t get you very far. Definitely try to stay positive though!

I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together.

We sort of did that with eldest not play dates but meet up enocuraged - younger kids sorted it themsleves.

I'd keep an open mind about the phone - mine had them from 11 - and school spent a few years pushing apps for homework then last year when phone free but still push updates about canceled after school clubs to apps on their phones they can have on them but can't have out at all on school premises - real joined up thinking.

As long as there is some independent means of meetting up - email, teams - it may well be fine having no phone depends on the school/area but if she needs one get one.

TBH it's just reassurance and postivity- and like PP mention using more age appropriate language. Plus as PP mention friendship groups will likely change - and that may cause some anxiety or upset but they will get there and you need to stay calm and postive about it all - plus outside groups can help if things do get tricky.

She is going to be left out if she doesn’t have a phone, please think about getting her one, doesn’t need to be an expensive one. You can’t be arranging plans for her with other parents at high school.

I also thought she was going to be starting primary school. It seems like you are babying her, even calling it big school.