My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

This isn’t about phones. This is about her being bullied and her self esteem being rock bottom. You need to have a very long chat about why she was bullied and why you’re going to absolutely bust a gut to make sure it doesn’t happen at secondary school. Tell her how you’re going to step up and support her to make sure her traumatic time at school doesn’t happen again. The poor thing sounds terrified and she’s looking to you to support her.

I think the biggest issue for her here and her fear of school is you! I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but it is. You seem to want to baby her Why hasn’t your daughter been able to pick her own shoes/coat/bag and pencil case surely shes old enough? Why doesn’t she have her own phone i don’t know any child that age who does not choose their own shoes/trainers/clothes or who does not have a mobile phone. your daughter probably will be the only child without a phone and probably will be picked on for not having a mobile phone. All this talk of play dates thats not for year 7’s thats more primary age children. I think you need to allow your daughter some independence and to choose her pen things shes 12 or near enough not 5.

I agree with everyone else.
No-one calls secondary ‘big school’ - I thought you were referring to primary and talking about a 4 year old at first. Plus it’s ‘arrangement’ not play date!
When my DCs went they both had class meet ups first in the park so that was useful, at least yo know who they were with, so having a small get together is good. Find out what shoes etc they’ve all got.
Going to secondary is a big deal esp if you’re shy or anxious. Having been there and done that def try and make your DD fit in as much as possible - get a phone and monitor it. She needs to be taught safety online. Obv no tiktok allowed, but realise she might see it in others’ phones.
My DS was WhatsApping in the summer prior to secondary and had some arrangements before he started school although didn’t really stick w those friends. That was 10 years ago! There wasn’t the proliferation of SM then but you just need spyware for want of a better phrase.
good luck!

Get her a bloody phone for Christ sake. You state she’s been bullied in primary school I honestly have no idea why parents would make their kids lives difficult trying to be better than everyone else….why 13? What difference does it make? It will be really difficult for her without a phone for loads of reasons and you can solve it

I think getting her one of these “brick” phones is infinitely worse than no phone, by the way. How absolutely embarrassing. I don’t have a teenager (thank god, it sounds hard!) but I can’t imagine the kids with the giant, ugly phones not getting a very hard time for it.

Yes it’s a sad state of affairs, yes we shouldn’t need to give kids phones. But I think in the real world, depriving something like that at secondary school is setting your child up for complete social failure.

I was very "young" when I started secondary school and it took me a good 18 months to settle. I think my mum could have helped by encouraging me to grow up a bit before I started - getting rid of the long plaits and phasing out the little girl clothes and just being a bit more in touch with popular culture.
The equivalent these days does mean getting a phone unfortunately. Everyone else will have one, and your DD will be left out of class discussions and social arrangements if she doesn't.
Regarding shoes and bag - have you bought something that she doesn't like or is it just a general fear? Too late now to go abd stand outside and look and see what last year's Year 7 are wearing (that's what I would have done)... but maybe you could ask someone with older kids there or be ready for a shoe shopping trip the first weekend of term if what she has isn't right.

It is absolutely normal for your anyone child starting secondary school to be anxious, even the most excited child wjo can’t wait to start secondary school will have a little anxiety. Wouldn’t mind betting your daughter will end up absolutely loving her first day at school and you will wonder what all the fuss is about.

one thing I will say is how you bring your daughter up is entirely up to you and if you don’t want your daughter to have a phone until she is 13 then that is your choice. However each and everyone of us parent our children is entirely up to each of us. No matter how much the MN police try to tell you otherwise just remember some of the things those MN police do in parenting their children are things you will be against. There are no right or wrong ways in how we bring up our children but we all try our best.

Get her a phone and the shoes she wants.

@Crapola25They are banned in lots of schools here too. I think you are misreading why a phone might be useful for a child worried about fitting in. It’s not to use at school, it’s for ease of communication at other times! It means if something is organised, she can be included by friends instead of being left out. Making friends will be key to this child not becoming a school refuser. As a result the op should back off from organising her DDs social life and let DD take over but facilitate how this can be done. That’s not the same as using a phone in school - many schools don’t allow this. It’s not a hill to die on in the circumstances for a sensible child.

I havent read the full thread but picked up on her being worried about shoes. We bought these for my DD11 who is starting grammer school tomorrow. There happened to be an older girl in the shop while we were there and we asked her for advice and she said all the girls love and wear these. I have seen others in the chunkier doc marten style shoes but my daughter isn't a fan of those. On a side note, plain black school bag (we went with Kipling) simple drinks bottle and a plain tupperware style lunch box are the way to go.

Genuinely thought this was going to be a thread about a 4 year old. “Big School” is how you describe primary school to a 4 year old. Using it to refer to high school is really infantilising.

you say she’s been bullied at primary school? And she’s worried about phone, shoes etc.

why on Earth would you not want to smooth that path for her?

why the random delaying of a phone until she’s 13? If it’s one if the reasons she’s dreading high school, surely you need to act now? It’s just the world we live in- you can’t stand up for phone free childhood if no one else is? That’s just making her a target.

That could still happen with phones to be fair. I was a teen in the 90s and a lot of my friends drank alcohol but it wasn’t for me. I still hung out with them though.

Just let her get a phone and have sensible checks and controls. And talk to her about how to use it
It's how they organise their social lives!!

Oh and get her the shoes!

When I started reading your post is was confused if she was starting Reception or Y7!

You are babying her and she is behaving like a baby due to this.

Support her in growing up and being independent.

if you know other mums ask about shoes- don’t you remember your own secondary school days?! Everyone is in uniform but the cool kids wear whatever shoes are in style. Get her the shoes that help her fit in.

Phone wise… why not get her one and very carefully monitor it and limit internet access. You are socially isolating her if she doesn’t have one.. this isn’t the moment to feel superior over others that you are shielding your child to the internet. You can do that by slowly letting her use it and talking to her about it. You are opening her up to bullying.

I don't think OP is coming back. Maybe she's reading the comments though? I hope she finds them useful.

I did ask this last night but for those who don't have phones, how to you work the school commute?

There's loads of criticism of phones at this age and I'm not delighted about it but equally, I wasn't comfortable packing my son off on a long bus journey without some means of contact.

Are there other things you are using that I'm overlooking?

@FiveBarGate How do you think dc managed before phones then? Did we all get bumped off? The bus driver found a phone box when the bus broke down! We simply managed. However we are attached to phones now but parental angst has gone through the roof. Ditto child angst.

I did ask this last night but for those who don't have phones, how to you work the school commute?

80% of DC old secondary school walk to school - rest get one bus or get dropped off by car - it a very local catchment for most pupils not all.

Mine had phones but not all the kids did.

They've ban phone on site however they can have them turned off in bag because I think a few have longer more complex journeys.

DN had a phone but again not all her peers did - and on the school bus enough other kids did that on occaions it wasn't there someone would give them a lift or let them borrow phones to ring someone. Since then a nearer school opened up and it's like DC school walk, bike school bus or parent drop off and pick up.

I like my kids to be able to get in touch - and when they head off to college campus for post 16 edcuation - it's a public bus or train- so they can see next buses via phone app - even get tickets on there - and just let us know if something comes up.

So I think having a phone with transport apps and means to get in touch if something goes wrong makes perfect sense when there's a longer more complex journey to and from but not every seconday kid has that.

When school bus didn't pick up we'd have too walk the 4.5 miles home - as secondary school office refused to help us - we'd follow older kids. Now that route is lethal - busier traffic they've done a huge amout of house building no lighting on path now - and regaular serious acciendent on last junction.

Later an out of town shopping park opened up with public pay phone and public buses from it about half way home so that made it easier.

However I use public transport a lot - and more and more they are pushing tcikets to app and information to phone apps - there aren't bus timetables at stops here now. There are also no public pay phones I can think of in entire area - last one always broken was taken out half a year ago.

The world moved on as tech did - the prior infrastructure gone and those who don't use public transport seem oblivious.

We had to have a snow contact in the town the school is in so we'd be sent there and I used to phone my mum from a phone box. That doesn't exist anymore.

My son would need to walk 15 miles home.

I know we didn't have but equally, no one expected us to have so there was more assistance. Today it's assumed they'll call us.

I wasn't asking for snarky answers, simply if there's other ways people get round it. I've seen smart watches but don't these still need a phone to connect to?

This faux outrage towards phones feels overdone in this day and age, and the parents flexing in this way are doing so at the expense of their children.

There are effective controls that can be used, there are rules and boundaries that can be in place at school and home to minimise the more negative elements, but to entirely bypass the social, educational and extra safety a phone offers a young person is really misguided. The children need to learn how to manage themselves on line with your guidance.

This faux outrage towards phones feels overdone in this day and age, and the parents flexing in this way are doing so at the expense of their children.

There are effective controls that can be used, there are rules and boundaries that can be in place at school and home to minimise the more negative elements, but to entirely bypass the social, educational and extra safety a phone offers a young person is really misguided. The children need to learn how to manage themselves on line with your guidance.

This is it. If he loses his Young Scottish card he can pay for lunch on the app.

The school sent instructions that it would be a good idea to add this to their phones and a code for how to do so.

For rural schools at least it seems to be an expectation they will have a phone. We are also a year later so they are 12.

The service buses run a really long route of over over 100 miles so can be subject to lengthy delays in bad weather and most people track them on the app. If they have to get on these due to school transport issues as happened last week well he either needs to phone me to look up where they are or do it himself, both of which require a phone.