My son sent a nude - will he be prosecuted? What happens now?

[MumOfOneB0y]

Hi,

My son is 15 and has just admitted to some stuff.

He met a girl online through his other friend (also 15). She asked his other friends (let's call him Joe) for a picture of his penis. Joe sent one. Joe then ended up (my son doesn't know how) with a picture of her breasts in a bra. She also asked my son (who she was at this point dating) for a picture of his penis. My son asked if he will get anything in return. She said he can see her breasts. They traded these nudes. My son deleted the photos (as per her request). But then she asked to see my son ejaculate and my son sent a video. He then asked if she would feel comfortable sending a picture of her butt in pants. She then responded with "my dad just saw that message on my watch". And my son asked what he said and apparently her dad was threatening to call my son and ask to speak to me. I would've been okay with this but now she is 'gohsting' my son and him and his friend are worried. We live in Leeds and this girl lives in Durham. What is going to happen? Please help!

Genuine question, why not take his phone? I have posted that i think it should be removed. My view is that rules around phone use have been broken, so a consequence is inevitable. Punishments can delivered at the same time as working through the issue together calmly and rationally.

But I’m new to this phase so interested in why you think no punishment in this scenario.

I disagree. He has distributed indecent images of a child, it is likely to pass the evidential test and public interest test and he may well have end up on the sex offenders register.

I check my daughter's phone every night. She has very tight controls.

There are risks in the real world too

As a young teen I was exposed to a paedophile who repeatedly tried to kiss me at my swimming lessons. He was a "pillar of the community". Unfortunately my parents never discussed with me what to do about this and weren't the kind of people it was easy to discuss things with. So I never told anyone.

Having lots of conversations with our children, having lots of safeguards is the key.

My niece wasnt allowed a phone till 16 and then got one and was immediately posting wildly inappropriate stuff everywhere.

Scaremongering bullshit.

Could also be a male creep, who isn't a blackmailer but just enjoys looking at boy's penises. Not that this is a much better scenario.

The law criminalising indecent images of children was created to protect children and young people from adults seeking to sexually abuse them or gain pleasure from their sexual abuse. It was not intended to criminalise children and young people. The law was also developed long before mass adoption of the internet, mobiles and digital photography. Children should not be unnecessarily criminalised for experimental non-harmful behaviour, as the op describes.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/sharing-nudes-and-semi-nudes-advice-for-education-settings-working-with-children-and-young-people/sharing-nudes-and-semi-nudes-advice-for-education-settings-working-with-children-and-young-people

Thank goodness he told you.

I think you need a full conversation about this including the possibility of attempted blackmail and what he should do in that situation (number 1- tell you, then you can report it together). Police have been clear that these laws aren’t intended to criminalise under age kids acting with consent.

I certainly wouldn’t punish him unless you want him to avoid telling you about things in future. He has done something stupid but followed it up with something brave and sensible, so focus on that, but also have a really serious conversation about all of this.

It is standard safeguarding advice. As MrsSunshine2b said, its important not to blame, shame or punish him for this, even indirectly.

If he does become exploited or blackmailed, he's the victim. Punishing him would be akin to victim blaming.

If he isnt exploited and has just consensually exchanged nudes with no harmful intent or outcomes, this is age-approriate curiosity and experimentation. That's hard for our generation to accept because we've not lived it. But it's how many teens flirt in early relationships. Denying it happens or making it feel 'dirty' isn't helpful.

He doesn't need punishing for age approriate experimentation that caused no harm. He would benefit from education and words of advise based around losing control of an image once sent, and the risks of proving they were sent/received with consent, if this is disputed. I'd add in some educational conversation about misogyny and objectifying women too.

What's very relevant in the OPs case is her son came to her and asked for help. Strong evidence of a safe and trusting parent-child relationship. Our teens need that. BigDeepBreaths, do you think your son would come and ask you for help if he knew you'd respond with removing his social lifeline (phone) as a punishment for seeking adult support from you? Better to develop open conversations to educate, than blame and shame so he stops speaking to you about this stuff. Those boys who died by suicide following sextortion, they did that precisely because they thought their parents would blame, shame and punish them. So they couldn't find a safe adult to ask who would help.

First, because to a teenager he's not being punished because he sent a nude. He's being punished because he went to his Mum for help. If he knows he's going to lose his phone, next time he gets into trouble online, he might think again about confiding in her.

Secondly, there's the victim blaming aspect. If, as PPs have suggested, this is a sextortion scenario, he's been manipulated by someone much older into this. It's not his fault.

There comes a time when you have to stop punishing your children. I think some parents are obsessed with punishment. In this case, speaking to him is probably a much better option. Why punish him on top?

Interesting how the OP hasn’t returned!

Is it? I figured she was a bit busy parenting her son who is clearly going through a hard time.

Unfortunately this sort of interaction among teenagers is pretty common, as they tend to have poor impulse control, be prone to risk taking and have high libidos!

Your son is far from alone. Please reassure him that, although technically he has broken the law (distribution of child pornography) he is very unlikely to be prosecuted, as he has engaged in the cincensual sharing of nudes with someone he believes is the same age. If the police tried to prosecute every young person who does this they would literally be doing nothing else.

Some important questions:
A) has he ever met this girl? Or facetimed with her? Does he have any evidence she is who she purports to be?
B) did the video he sent include his face?

He will be likely feeling very upset, scared and even violated at this point. It's good that he feels he can speak to you about what has happened - very many children are scared to be open with their parents about these things and that does SO much harm - so well done to you for fostering the kind of relationship where he knows he can turn to you for help.

He may need further help in the future, maybe counselling, depending how distressed he is by this experience.

If the video does not include identifying details, I would suggest the best course of action is for him to block the "girl" on all platforms and try to move on from this situation.

If I does, and if you have reason to believe she may not, in fact, be the teenage girl she purports to me, I would suggest reporting this, if your son is comfortable with that.

If you turn to his school then safeguarding officer should be able to advise you further. Really, you need to talk to someone about this face to face. It's hard for us to advise on here because there are so many variables we would need the answers to first.

There is help out there though. Sadly it's a really common scenario.

Good luck.

How is it going to pass the public interest test (assuming it happened as described?)

Please dont take the phone or punish him to harshly. He made a mistake and has prob been duped into a scam.

I just pray there was nothing identifying to him in the pic/video?

My son exchanged pics a few years when they were both 15, he learnt his lesson and never did it again.

And this is one of the strangest ideas I have read on here for a long time.

You would, genuinely, punish your child when they turn to you for help because they have been pressured into sending indecent photos, possibly to a paedophile?

What sort of relationship do you think this would foster with your child going forwards?

I don't say this unkindly, but if you are, yourself, a parent, please try to apply some kind of empathy, if this is genuinely the approach you would take. It seems to me unbelievably cruel (as well as 100% certain to alienate the child so that they never, ever turn to you for help in any circumstances ever again).

This obsession with the series Adolesence really puzzles me. It was interestingly filmed. But it hardly flags up previously undiscussed issues, (at least not to anybody who hadn't been living under a stone for the past few decades). And it's also a work of fiction, and like any, some of the points it raises are valid, some are more subjective. It's not some unique purveyor of a previously unvoiced truth.....

But if you took ANYTHING from it, surely you took that it would have been better by far if the boy in the series had felt able to turn to his parents for help earlier!

Highly likely it will be a scam for blackmail. Actually read a story of lad older, maybe 19. Thought he was talking to a girl same age, both sent naked pictures then was blackmailed for money. He give the money but was asked for more. He ended up killing himself. He’s 15, and so is the girl. So if she was real they wouldn’t be in trouble as both are 15. I would go to the police. The photos of your underage son could be sent to some perverts online and I would be questioning where the images of the girl came from. If girl is real then police would probs contact her and your son and chat about online safety, they will not be in trouble.

I gather you think the same for Ops son and his friend that also send nudes.

At aged 15? He’s a minor.
If the girl is real, then same thing would happen to her then, as she is 15? Jesus christ what a stupid comment.

You also realise that any person who is a victim of a sex crime has anonymity, their name cannot be legally published unless they give their consent to restrictions being lifted, but only if you’re over 18. It’s against the law for reporters to name anyone under the age of 18 who is a victim of a sex crime. So yes you are wrong and don’t know what you’re talking about 😂

Oh dear, not this again. Yes, yes boys in the wrong too. But my point was less to criticise “the girl” because I don’t believe she even exists. Rather, I was making the point that she is an unlikely reality. But a core of Mn’ers do love to jump on a “Misogny!” spot as if we are playing a giant game of snap or where’s Wally, and in so doing lose all sense of context.

I don't think @BigDeepBreaths is meaning to be cruel.

This issue causes panic amongst parents. The knee-jerk reaction, to take their phone, tell them off and "scare them straight" is understandable, and if it was my daughter, I might want to do the same.

The response that will actually help OP in this situation, approaching it with calm and empathy, feels quite counter-intuitive when you feel like your child has potentially done something incredibly stupid and risky, and you want to protect them.

The idea of doing some training in online safety isn't a bad idea at all for any parent, although it can be harmful if done in response to an incident and proactive is best. I think CEOPEducation is the best place to go for resources and know that everything they publish is fully evidence based.

I don't understand the Adolescence comment either. I don't see any relationship between sending a consensual nude and stabbing a school mate to death.

She sent a photo of herself in a bra - it's not the same and it's one of the reasons I suspect it's a scam. "She" hasn't sent anything that could be classified as porn but he has.

Thank you so much for this response, really helpful.

Like OP, I have a very open relationship with DC (younger than OPs) who at this stage asks and tells me a lot, and i’d like to keep it that way so appreciate your insight.