11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

Nothing to do with privilege! Quite the opposite actually.

It sounds like when my dad was trying to teach me how to drive.
He had amazing results with everyone else but I could not stand it. I don’t think a parent teaching like this is a good idea at all.

Take a break from it. Get someone else to tutor him and stay the heck out of it all. Good luck.

Oh my sweet summer child.

With respect, you need to get in the real world. You have no idea. Quite clearly.

In what way? How did you determine that I need to live in the real world and I have no idea?
Very rude. It's an opinion based on my life experiences. How rude

I want him surrounded by children whose parents in the main actually give a shit about their children.
I have witnessed the behaviour of the children at closest comp. It's atrocious and is completely at odds as to how I have raised my child.

The one further down the road, not so much, and it would be a viable alternative. But we're slightly out of catchment for that one. It's not hard to understand

Smart kids do not excel in shit schools. Their education is disrupted by sub standard behaviour. This is fact. I lived it.
It's not rude. It's reality.

Fair enough, it just seems like a lot of press for a small child.
I just think it's sad that the gap between the 2 types of schools still exists.
It's the privileged kids who have parents who can afford tutoring get to these schools and widen the education gap.
Public money would be better spent improving the comp schools for all.
The majority of parents of comp school kids to care about their children that's a bit unfair to suggest they don't.

This was very much our situation and why I persisted in getting DS to study for the 11+. As I said upthread he is 19 and absolutely living his best life excelling in higher education. The summer between yr5 &6 wasn't as carefree as it might have been. The rest of his life will be infinitely more so due to the opportunities he has had.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady

I can really recommend Top Dog Tutoring on YouTube - they do loads of short, fun, easy to understand videos.
I was in your position last summer and I know I was more worried about it than Dd!

Come off it, can tell the difference between grammar school kids and comp, it's definitely more prevalent in comp... yes I went to comp and my son goes to grammar- definitely a difference.

I was a naughty shit in comp because you soon learn that rebellion gets you privilege and bright kids aren't pushed.

My son certainly wouldn't be achieving what he could of if he went comp because I live in the real world 😱

I completely agree with you!
The system is crap and I actually don't agree with it at all. I wish the test purely looked at children's inherent ability and tested them fairly at the level they would be at that point in the school year.
But it doesn't. It relies entirely on parents supplementing their children's education because it's incredibly hard to get even a bright child to pass this test without at least some tutoring, due to the content.

It's not fair. And it makes a mockery of the idea that grammar schools are supposed to prop up social mobility. They don't. It used to - I know this because I hung about with MANY kids who got into grammars 30 years ago without any tutoring. Kids from a wide range of backgrounds. It just doesn't happen now. In essence it mirrors a private school system because of the money involved. It's shit and I hate that I'm perpetuating this nonsense. But what option do I have? Send him to the comp where kids spark up blunts at 3.30?

As an aside, I am NOT wealthy by any stretch. I have one income.
I have gone without and sacrificed many things so I can afford this. But I felt I was left with very little choice given the standard of the comprehensives on my doorstep and my financial inability to move to a decent catchment area, despite my professional status.

It's a shame this has turned into a comp bashing thread.
OP doubtless has her own good reasons for preferring one school over another, but that's not a reason for the vitriol expressed against a whole sector of education. Very many people have no choices but to send their children to comprehensive schools and many children do well in them.

And just to add some context, my house is currently worth around £290,000 and I STILL have a shit choice of comprehensives...

Absolutely. Comprehensives should be a fantastic option. But in many areas, they simply are not.
I don't blame the schools, or the education system.
I blame the substandard parenting and inability of parents to raise their children properly. I see this getting worse year on year, even with very young children.
I'm sure there are loads of fantastic comps. Just not in my area.

But @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady can't you see that one of the reasons comps may not get the results is that they're in a grammar area? The two are often (not always) tightly linked.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady also smart kids can thrive in shit schools.
Mine did - Cambridge and Durham. Full set of top results from a school which fell into special measures shortly after they left. It's not a given that kids goi g to a comp will fail. Also the success of those kids helps lift others

Which area?

Sutton Coldfield.
Outing, but I'm past caring 😄

And by that I mean, Sutton schools are generally great, but you have to live on the doorstep. Less than a mile ideally.

Just feels like a lot to put on a young child.
How can 11 be old enough to select?
Kids learn and develop at different rates don't they? Those who fail the exam may go one to be top of the class later on.
It feels very divisive.
What will happen if your son fails the exam? Does he have to then go to local chav filled comp?

But comp doesn't mean shit school. I'm glad it worked out for your kids but it's not a given. Smart kids can also fail in excellent schools, but it's far less likely they will. A lot of the reason behind smart kids failing is that it's often not cool to be smart when you're in a sink comp.

Hang in there @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady , it’s an awful process and it massively takes its toll. This thread has gone bonkers in parts and you sound like a fab mum who is doing everything you can, in a system that is hugely hard work. I’m coming at it from the other side (dd just about to finish a-levels on monday, been at grammar since 11) so I fully get it. Best of luck x

I agree. This is an uncomfortable truth that doesn't seem to be getting any traction. Yes we have a badly funded education system but a LOT of the reasons why teachers are leaving is because of the behaviour of children and crap parenting. Teachers aren't able to teach. They're basically running PRUs without the staff or funding. It's dangerous and exhausting and the well behaved kids are the ones that miss out.

This is the most recent Ofsted from our local comp, bright kids do well anywhere?

DS got into a superselective to escape this 4 A*s at A-level he would never, ever have achieved that.