11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

I haven't read all the replies but....

I'm a tutor. English, 11+ and various things. 15 years experience and hardly ever have an upset child on my hands.

I've also tried to teach my own child - generally with stuff she needs help with, and also during the dreaded homeschooling. Almost every day - tears, refusals, strops, stamping upstairs and complaints! I've pretty much given up trying to do stuff with her. Same child will happily work for her piano teacher, taekwondo teacher and so on.

You're just too close to your own child. Somehow (without you wanting to) you put too much pressure on them, there is too much riding on it and there are too many other things you ask them to do during a normal day. You are emotionally/financially invested in them passing, however much you tell them that it doesn't matter - it does. They know that.

My advice would be to dial down the pressure. If they are stuck on something, they can go through it with the tutor. They will take it in better. Don't hover while they are doing their homework, just ask them to do it and then leave them to it.

I find the parents are more nervous about the exam than the kids most of the time!!!

It will be fine. Deep breath, move on. They've had loads of tutoring and they will pass if they are grammar school material.

No one is attacking you chill!

Trust your ds knows how much this means to you - you e been sending him to a tutor 1:1 for 18 months - there will have been much chat amongst the students and he will have see how stressed you are. This isn’t attacking you it’s just how things are unless you are the exception to the 11+ parent angst rule 😊 When parents say they have kept things hidden from their children they are doing their children a massive misservice - children pick up on everything! By sending him to a tutor you have made a clear statement that a) you want him to pass and b) grammar schools are better then any other school options available to him.

What maths isn’t taught that he needs to know? The Birmingham test is essentially the same as the Bucks and is curriculum based plus NVR.

@Nowfeeltheneedtopost

Haha maths is not my strong point. I probably could work it out but it would do my head in.

Thank you @catsnore and @WombatChocolate
Great advice ☺️
I do acknowledge with him regularly that I know it's tough going and the end is in sight.
I make a point of making sure he knows I find things difficult too and get stressed about workloads - he sees it firsthand with my job 😂 and that everything is always ok in the end. It's a big thing I focus on when teaching, even with the very little ones I'm teaching right now!

I know it's a balance and one I'm hoping I'm kind of meeting. Well, I will be if I let the tutor take more of the work on. This morning was just a tough one.

To be completely honest, I'd kind of prided myself in the fact that I thought I had been calm and measured in my approach, despite feeling the pressure bubbling underneath.
But I completely take on board the fact that he's probably picking up on my worries despite this.
So, I'm listening and taking on all the advice.
Thank you x

Just to add: mine also has moments of tears. When this happened last time I mentioned this to my mum as I felt overwhelmed and wanted a little moral support from her. What I got instead was an accusation of me putting too much pressure on him, that I'm being over the top, but she has no idea whether this may be true (it absolutely isn't; I try to stay calm and tell him the 11+ won't determine who he is as a person, the score will only tell us how they did on that particular day, it's not the end of the world if they don't pass, there will be other paths for him).

And to be clear, it is DC's decision to sit the 11+.

It was probably easier for mum to take it out on me rather than to comfort me.

At the end of the day, it is about our kids but us parents also need some emotional support sometimes, not being accused of something they don't have a clue about. We know that we're not always doing it right, we do mess up sometimes, but we're doing our absolute best to support our kids.

My two are past this stage now. I trained as a teacher and had to get 11+ tutors for them.

I tried to help but the tantrums! So I feel your pain.

Lots of replies to you seem to have no idea of the tutoring that goes on or the contents of the tests etc.

Seems to me you are doing all the right things.

Total.sympathies OP - all 4 of mine have taken the 11+ and the summer before the exam was challenging, but they only really did 10 mins a day, with maybe an NVR or maths paper at the weekend.

Two things - I think it's really hard to teach your own child, mine all did much better when I stepped back and trusted the tutoring.

Secondly, it's a hideous time of year, they are all exhausted, it's hot etc. I would just try and take the pressure right off, and do far less. If you genuinely think that grammar is the best place for him, and he's had that much tutoring he will be fine. (And you know what, even if he isn't, the world doesn't end....!).

Some posters most definitely are.
I have been called a "godawful teacher" and that I am bullying my child. Also, "poor, poor boy" has been referenced many times. So these are the posters that I am referring to. It is attacking me and completely unnecessary. So I will defend myself. I have also been told to do several things that I have highlighted I already AM doing. It's frustrating when people don't read the posts.

I have taken on board all of the helpful advice with grace. I don't need to chill, I am defending myself against baseless accusations.

This good advice. With the best of intentions, you’ve ended up over-invested as in your own words and title of the thread, close to the edge.

You need to dial it down and back off a bit. Yes, keep plodding on, but at a less intensive pace. Trust that the 18 months he’s done is excellent preparation and that a bit if work between now and then will get him there. Don’t allow yourself to become more anxious and push him harder as he gets closer. And if you can’t dial it down yourself, then you need to use outside help more, so he doesn’t get this unspoken pressure. You don’t need to say a word…he knows this is very important to you and that’s a pressure. It’s unavoidable to an extent, but it’s your job to keep a lid on it. You yourself mustn’t let it be the be-all and end-all for yourself. Hold lightly to it and trust him and yourself that he can have a happy and successful future.

And think about how you will feel and what you will say if he doesn’t make it. It has to not be the end of the world…in a genuine, not just fake words-way.

He is your son and not an academic project. It’s why using someone outside can often be a good thing. You don’t want to damage your relationship with him which is the most precious thing.

All this said, if it’s the first time of tears…I think you’re actually doing pretty well. They will all cry at some point and all have some sad days. In itself an odd day like that isn’t a disaster. Keep it in perspective. Anything hard is……well hard to cope with sometimes. Trust him and yourself too. You’ve planned ahead and have got him ready. Trust to that stuff you’ve done. Don’t dial it up.

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. It's a process extremely draining emotionally, not to mention the constant papers and vocabulary building.

The interaction between parents and their child is a very funny one. They can take advice from the teachers in school without a second thought. But with their parent, the role changing is very difficult to get used to and feel comfortable with.

We used to have very very difficult dynamic during lockdown on homework topics. I tried to help, but constantly being confronted by an angry and grumpy child. The fact that I was just trying to help didn't help at all. Same with 11+ for a long time.

We are getting better now. I can't say there's no bumps and emotional hikes. But he's a lot more willing to work together.

I can't be completely sure, but my impression is that he's doing online classes with his tutor. I'm really involved in helping him with everything around the class. He saw me putting so much efforts in to make him as comfortable as he's allowed (snacks, cold drinks, fruits , Minecraft magazines as treats). He's a good kid and he can feel I care immensely. And I always told him, it's his future, not mine.

The other thing is that I found I do need to get involved. Our tutor doesn't help individual student, she only do papers and explain papers. There's no systematic build up or support. So I started getting more involved and working through papers with him. I'm rubbish with English myself, but I'm trying to find a way to work that out too.

We had lots of moments like yours this morning. I often ended up asking myself "How much I love him". If it's not because I love him, I'd have given up no doubt. It is so so so emotional draining at times.

There's no guarantee (never there will be) he could earn a place, when the ratio is 1:10. But I've been telling him and myself, by the end of all these, he learned to be more resilient and has a sound work ethic to start secondary, not mentioning the advanced level in terms of curriculum he's at to begin Y7. We try to see this as one of those time in life, you put all your efforts in to achieve something worthwhile.

I also disagree with those who say if a child needs to be tutored, then selective school/grammar school are not for them. Why? A child should lose their chances for good education just because they are not born super smart. If anyone who works hard and not being deterred by difficulties and persists, they would have a better life than those who are born smart but have little incentive to work hard. That's my view and I think that is how life works.

Don't be discouraged by this. The dynamic is a very tricky one. You either leave the tutor to do it all, or finds a way to make him see you as his teammate. I saw the part you gave an example of how you spoke to him about the algebra. Maybe when you say things like "next time you would know what to do", what he felt was too positive (high) an expectation and the pressure is unbearable. So maybe tune it down a bit, acknowledge openly it's a process of learning and practice. Take the pressure off his shoulder, just focus on the learning.

Ok fine whatever 🤷‍♀️I was giving you my advice based on having children schooled in a 100% selective county and working (secondary) in one.

I have not attacked you but I have given my opinion.

Good luck to your ds and I hope October gives you the results you clearly want.

OP, don’t be defensive and don’t feel you need to defend yourself.

Remember lots of people on the thread might have zero experience of 11+. Many people lack any knowledge of it and take the view that children shouldn’t work outside of school and shouldn’t ever face any pressure of any kind. The idea that these exams should be passed without tutoring or preparation shows zero understanding of the reality of the modern 11+.

This isn’t the place to educate people.

You yourself say you’re stressed and on the edge. Recognise it in yourself. Take a step back and get some perspective. Things are actually going pretty well. Your son has done 18 months and is coping well…the odd day of upset is entirely normal, not a disaster or going to ruin him for life. Recognise this is different to a child who is totally miserable and for whom 11+ is inapproropate and terrible.

Thinknabout the next months…..not how you need to step it up because time is running out. Trust the work he and you have out in already. Remind him of how far he has come and to trust that hard work he’s done. Plod on with little bits. Help him know that he doesn’t have to get 100% and it’s okay to not be able to do something and that will still be the case at the end.

Try not to keep talking about it. Be his Mum and maintain the relationship first and foremost.

Go out for a lovely ice cream sundae as a fret and don’t mention the bloody 11+ at all. Enjoy!

Thank you everyone, I truly mean that.

Although I don't want to play the single parent card although I'm about to 😬 I do acknowledge that this is at play here. I've had zero support from his Disney dad father, so I'm definitely feeling the pressure of being the only motivating adult involved, his tutor aside, obviously.

Added to that I suppose I feel the added pressure of proving my child is not another single parent, low achieving statistic. I absolutely 100% know this is my problem, not his. I need to stop this and make sure it doesn't affect him. I am making this a priority.
In all honesty, I don't think I would have considered putting him in for the 11+ had his teachers not encouraged me to do so and upon talking with the tutor following his initial assessment and how well he'd done. I suppose once I'd had confirmation that he was able and a suitable candidate I kind of just threw my all into it. I just felt I wasn't being the best parent I could be if I had an able child and I was not supporting him to realise his full potential.
I realise now that this isn't particularly healthy and I need to calm it down.

So thank you to everyone who's given some brilliant advice. It's truly appreciated and has given me some much needed perspective.

I am a teacher. I have loads of experience, have taught for nearly 20 Years, get great results etc etc.

When I had to teach my own children during lockdown, it was a car crash. Tears and tantrums, from both sides 🤣

I think you need to back right off and let your ds get on with it with the tutor and on his own.

Most people on here OP won’t really understand what is involved with the 11+, why you need to tutor, the stresses involved, the emotions, the time money, the other parents and pressures for both kid and parent - all of it. (Unless of course they have been there)
You will get a lot of ‘if he needs tutoring, he’s not bright enough for grammar’- totally false and shows a lack of understanding of the whole process.
Ive had 3 kids go through it OP.
Some passed, one didnt.
Its hard. Really hard. Your DS may be saying about the positive thing but it may not even be that- possibly he can’t even properly articulate why he’s upset.
Its a lot to put on a 10 year old.
Are you too involved with his homework / 11+ work? Does he have time to breathe and figure it out without you around?
At this stage in the year I was giving mine short timed tests from real practice papers and then marking them over night and going over corrections / explanations the next day. It helps if they don’t get all the corrections straight after I find as they are already tired from the test.
Hes probably sick tired and exhausted of it all- school in the heat, then come home for more work which he doesn’t find easy.
If you really feel grammar is right for him it’s all totally worth it and how much they hated the work will start to be forgotton after September.
I would ask him how he wants to complete his work- how would he like to be helped, when would he prefer to do it? Make the homework sessions short and snappy.
Its hard, I do sympathise.

In your shoes, I think I'd continue with the tutor, but back off from attempting to help him myself. At least until/unless he asks you. My experience of children who have been 'hot housed' is that they come to rely on ongoing support. When they are let loose in the big wide world they then struggle to cope
My simplistic approach with my own family was to give them the opportunities that i could afford (not all that much tbh) and then just cheer them on. They're all doing ok and have a decent work ethic and work/life balance.
I bet it's really hard for you as a teacher and single mum, wanting to prove yourself. Best wishes to you both 💐

I've never done these but I think the pattern is forward 2, forward 4, forward 6, forward 8.

This is bringing back awful memories of trying to tutor my then Y10 and Y11 DD during the lockdowns through her GCSE English Lit texts. I think parents tutoring or teaching their children is fraught with emotional complexities that isn't there when the tutor is a more distant professional.

So H + 2 = J, U + 4 = Y, G + 6 = M, and E + 8 = M

What a shame, he's just a kid. The pressure and work load is ridiculous.
Why cant you let him be carefree and enjoy his childhood without all this?

Honestly OP, don't waste your breath - a lot of MN is against grammar schools.

Well done on doing your best, just give your DS a week of independent work and I guarantee he will appreciate the support you have given.

Both of mine passed very well with my tutoring (even though they thought i was mean but soon as they got their results they were chuffed- like you said alot of it isn't taught in school.)

Good luck with the test, maybe he needs some space especially with the pressure. I normally do a fun weekend and go somewhere when I feel its getting too intense.

@misssunshine4040 I am and he is.

Please read the thread.

Have you read the OP's posts ?
She has said that the default school which he will be going to in just over a year won't meet his needs. If your DC end up going to a not brilliant comprehensive school or even more so secondary modern, their childhood is effectively over at 11 anyway (swearing, vaping, anti- social behaviour).Why wouldn't she want to avoid this for her son ? Different if you can afford a lovely leafy prep to keep them in to 13.

Thank you @Goldencup xx

I can't understand why posters won't read what has actually been said.
I think it is due to people being lucky enough to live close enough to a decent comprehensive so they can't think outside their own privileged bubble.
Despite my best efforts, this is not the case for my son.

@Goldencup get in the real world.
A leafy prep school will not prevent kids going off the rails if they are rebellious etc, what a rose tinted view!

Smart kids excel anywhere and exposure to reality is a great thing. Not all gritty comp kids smoke vape and are anti social, you know plenty grammar kids are off their faces on drugs at the weekends too.

He's 10