11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

This isn't mentioning the higher achievers

Does anyone truly believe that the kids who are causing absolute mayhem in the local area at home time, smoking weed and being general delinquents are not affecting the bright kids who want to learn? Those kids are truly fulfilling their potential? Absolutely not.
I lived it myself, 30 years ago. Chairs flying across the room while I'm trying to take in challenging maths concepts.
I can only imagine how much worse it is now.

I feel sorry for those children. I truly do. They are the 5 year olds who I have to feed breakfast regularly because their parents can't be arsed. The children who I spend SO much of my time supporting because they have none of it at home. It's awful and I wish things were different for them. But that doesn't mean I don't want better for my child.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady I know this thread has been somewhat derailed.
I hear you though, as awful as it looks writing this down, I happily sent my DS to out of catchment grammar (yes fair bit of travelling); because I know 100% that the schools closer to us were not fit for him.
We are not wealthy, the grammar is where my DS will flourish and hopefully achieve his dreams.

I know I mentioned in my previous post about our lack of tutors (but that was genuinely because we weren't even sure about schools etc until may/June time- home educating family). We did use past papers to help get to grips with concepts etc during the summer.

Lots of people disagree with grammar schools, but the reality is, for people like my ds, they are a game changer. We definitely cannot afford private school, and the alternatives are dire.

I do feel, people who live in areas where schools are generally good wont understand.

It's really sad that things are this bad.
Do the parents who don't bother feeding their 5 year olds come to parents evening? Does the school report them?

Best of luck to your son and I'm sure he will achieve his potential with your support

What is your plan B, if your son does not pass the exam? Bright children do not always do well in exams for many reasons. After all the tutoring and probably knowing how much the result means to you , how is he going to feel on exam day and results day.
I live in a grammar school and secondary modern (think they are called something else now, certainly not comprehensives) area and I've seen anguish of both parents and children going through the process. Lots of tutoring going on.
I understand completely your concern for your child, but please don't make it so that he feels a complete failure if it all goes wrong on exam day.

He will be fine because I have time him countless times the outcome doesn't matter.
Why would I make it so he feels like a complete failure? What have I said in the entirety of this thread to make you think differently?

Sorry, that's okay then. I understand how important this is to you and missed where you have reassured him. In my area l have known some upset children.
Best wishes with it.

You know your child better than any one else

But from an outside perspective, that sounds like a lot of pressure on a young child

18 months? What for? I signed my kids up for BOFA and let them do a bit here and there in the summer hols leading up to the exam. They only need to familiarise themselves with the style of questions. Your tutor is ripping you off. If your child needs more than basic familiarisation then they are not suited for grammar - the pace of work is fast and the expectation is high. Your child will end up feeling like a failure and it will be your ambition that led them to it.

I have been reading this thread and the level of snobbery is honestly incredible.

I went to a comprehensive where fewer than 50% of students got 5 or more A-C GCSEs (this was about 10 years ago). I got amazing GCSE results, AA*A at A level and got a place at Oxford. No one from my school had gone to Oxbridge for the last 7 years. Yes I had to work hard but my school was fine, despite the stereotypes, and I had some incredible teachers.

No doubt many parents like you would have sneered at my school and declared that no one could succeed there. But you are probably underestimating the ability of teachers and also the influence of a child's home life.

I feel sorry for your son because he is clearly absorbing your obsession with him going to grammar school and feeling the pressure, despite him maybe not being up to it (if you need weekly tutoring for over a year, you are basically socially engineering your place). He is exhausted and wants to have a normal summer. He doesn't want his mum tutoring him. Please think about his mental health and reconsider your own prejudices. The thread title is very telling - you think it will ruin you but aren't as concerned about the impact on your son??

You sound wonderful and caring. I think this is far more to do with kids not loving being taught by their parents than your style or capability to teach your own child. You are so close to the exam now, he’s in with a chance to carry on with what you are doing, don’t take it personally. You probably are already but try to add in some quality 1-2-1 time which isn’t homework so they don’t end up feeling all you do with them is homework but this is entirely normal for their age.

I can swim really well, but my kids would not learn from me- they learnt really quickly from their swimming teachers which was fine for that. But right now your son needs a bit more than just the tutor to give him a fair chance on the 11+ so you just need to stick with it.

I think he is worried to fail and días appoint you because all the effort, time snd money you are putting into it. Poor child

IME the only people saying smart kids excel anywhere are those parents who either

1. don’t have a smart kid
2. Have younger children and haven’t faced secondary transition yet
3. have a smart kid but have the money to send them to private school or who have passed the 11+ or have a good well performing comp nearby to send them to.

Again you don’t understand the 11+ system.
The OP isn’t ‘socially engineering her place’ whatever that means.
The vast majority of parents tutor. If you don’t you are woefully behind what almost everyone else is doing and you are not preparing your child adequately.
Tell me what other exam would a child (or adult) sit without revision or preparation?
You child is in direct competition with all the other CHILDREN! That has made the test over the years into something unrecognisable from what it was 30 years ago.
Honestly, unless you live in a grammar school area and have had a smart child, you really can’t understand. It’s a bit like someone who has never had children saying ‘why don’t you just put your baby down when it’s tired’ or ‘no o could never love my child as much as I love my husband’ Your post really does sound as naïve as the equivalent of that. As do many other posters on here.

I understand OP. DC1 is in a grammar and really thriving there. DC2 is sitting the exam in September. He is smart but far less amenable to doing the work and not as fast as DC1 was. We did get a tutor aiming to ease him into it. But we stopped a few months ago as it was causing too much stress. He'll sit the exam but is unlikely to pass and we're figuring out how to make that not dent his confidence too much as he fully expects to follow DC1 there. It's frustrating as I do think he's capable but not willing to sacrifice our relationships by pushing it.

If a 2 week break has helped then that's a sign it's getting too much. He's expressed himself well, he wants you to back off with the cheerleading and positivity. Provide help and support but ease off a bit.

He and you will be ok however the exam goes.

My DS has been accepted to Tiffin and starts in September.
TBH my entire motivation for getting a paying for a tutor was so I didn’t have to get involved in this way. Surely the tutor does the work with him, sets him the homework then marks it with him? Why are you killing yourself doing all this work with him?
Just leave it to the tutor! Protect your relationship with him and your spare time! And your sanity.

I just wish posters wouldn't refer to him a "poor child". It's so upsetting.
As much as some would like to picture him with the weight of the world in his shoulders, nose to the grindstone, with no childhood, it's simply not true. He does half an hour a day, roughly 4 times a week extra to those who are not sitting the test. The rest of the time, he pretty much pleases himself. He is a sprightly, sociable boy, with lots of interests and it's so upsetting to hear him described as a "poor child".

I started this thread because I wasn't sure how to deal with his upset that I was "too positive". I've had lots of fantastic advice to help me read between the lines and realise I need to take a step back and not be so involved and I will absolutely do that.

I have not robbed him of his childhood.i have made it my absolute priority to make sure he has a wonderful, fun filled life. To suggest otherwise because I am trying to give him the best shot in addition to a lovely childhood is deeply, deeply upsetting.

Also, this is obviously a bright boy with a bright, motivated parent who is having tutoring which is going well, applying to a non super selective.

He is going to get in. He will be fine and he will pass and he will get in. Please don’t worry any more. He will absolutely get in. Just do some atom learning so he’s ready with be exam technique and let the tutor do her thing. You’re there already and he will get in.

Can you not see the 'being positive' as a compliment and put the tears down to stress/ heat/ relief. I have been called worse! Better to be positive than negative!

I live in Kent. Two of mine did the tests (had one in special Ed and another moved from his grammar to special Ed after starting). Middle child had no interest and wouldn't have passed.

I am a teacher at a PRU. I paid for tuition and boys attended special classes at their primaries during the holidays. You are doing the right thing it will be fine :)

@doglover90 you are me and my husband! And our children. All four of us were schooled in comprehensives. And far from leafy ones at that (oh how I hate that MN phrase and assumption!). 50 per cent of us went to Oxbridge; the other two to well regarded universities. The comps in question are in areas of rural and coastal deprivation with a low record of sending kids to top universities (or any uni in my day!). So we are success stories.

And yes bright kids can fail at crap comps. But by not sending bright kids to comps you depress those schools further.
Plus bright kids can fail anywhere. They can buckle under pressure. Tbh I think mine benefitted from being at the top of their trees - it really bouyed their confidence throughout secondary school.

Bright kids can also fall victim to drugs and the like anywhere. I've read remarks in this thread which decry the smoking and drugs at their local comps. Crikey people wake up! You'll have to worry about that everywhere. Stop being so sneery!

I don't deny any of this, but what grammars do have is engaged parents.

@Goldencap vast generalisation there about parental engagement!

Anyway, among my kids' classmates (now in their mid twenties) there are hairdressers, farm workers, highly skilled engineers who got there through apprenticeship, a plumber, a chef, a graduate trainee with network rail, a climate change researcher, a struggling writer, a marketing exec in a big London agency, an academic at Princeton, teachers and much else besides. A cross section of society, all contributing whether or not their parents are 'engaged'.
Yes a fair few students at that school were neglected. And that's awful. But the assumption on here is that that's the norm at a bog standard comp. It really isn't.

This thread really does reek of snobbery.

Please read this @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady and realise schools produce all kinds of successes.

@Goldencap vast generalisation there about parental engagement!

How so ?

The assumption (by omission) being that the alternative doesn't have engaged parents @Goldencup

Or were you trying to say something g else @Goldencup ?