11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

So true. Even 11+ 5 years ago wasn’t as super competitive and London is on a different level. Good luck 30 mins of homework at night…..secondary school giving 1 hour of homework so it should be seen as a preparation for secondary school not just 11+.

I honestly wouldn't take what your DS said personally. He's just getting anxious as the date nears. And it sounds like he's going to be just fine too. I wonder though if he's sensing how much you want him to pass because that might be a contributing factor. You are clearly a great teacher but he needs you more in mum-mode to be trying to take the pressure off a bit. I know I'd be just the same as you if I had teaching skills (it makes logical sense to help him) but he's got a tutor for that.

What are some posters not understanding here?

I'm not pressuring him.

He wants to do it.

He is working at his own level

Tutors are necessary because not all content is covered at school until after the exam

Tutors are necessary because the exam contains work which will need a technique explaining first before they can attempt it

I'm not pressuring him to achieve maximum scores at all

I have told him many times to stop doing it if he doesn't want to

Obviously it's not going to "kill me". A little hyperbole was used because I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed

My son knows his worth is WAY more than this exam. He is a fully rounded, happy child with many interests and a vibrant social life.

I do listen to my son. We are incredibly close, as is often the case with single parents.

He literally told me he doesn't like my "positivity" so I'm taking a step back

He has a life. A lovely, colourful, interesting life, rich with experiences and plenty of down time

You're not making a mess of it but motivation is important too, let him do the tutoring and remind him of the homework but leave it to him, then you'll see if he's motivated, I've had all five of mine through the 11+ (Lincolnshire) and my twins were particularly frustrating, one was really motivated and did all the homework and the other one did the bare minimum, luckily they all passed but we're in an area where the local comp is excellent too and I would have been more than happy for them to go there.
I can guarantee he can sense the importance of it to you, so just let him take it and see what happens. You'll know if he's passed by the application date so you've still got time to make a plan for an alternative in the first term of year 6 if necessary

There is no way of giving general advice about the 11+. It varies from region to region. You have to find out what the rules are for your area-or even the individual school you're aiming for. Please do some fact finding for your own particular situation.

As a teacher, I think I've been a bit institutionalised to just say "ok then" to everything

REALLY? As a teacher, I think my career had exactly the opposite effect. It made me question everything, think for myself; think outside the box.

My ex-bosses would be rolling in their graves at the mere notion of Bazooka "just saying ok " to anything, let alone everything.

For reference My DD's tutor gives her 1 or 2 short pieces of practice work per week - probably takes max 30 mins. I don't do it with her - she does it alone and then the tutor goes through the answers in the next session

😂😂😂😂

It was literally finding the area of an equilateral triangle. Half base x height.
Something he is more than capable of and does know, but had obviously just forgotten and probably didn't want to say. (He isn't great at admitting he's forgotten things)

Totally fine, no drama. I didn't reference the fact I knew he'd been taught it and had forgotten. I accepted his answer and said, " that's ok, hopefully you'll remember it next time a question like that comes up again". Move on.

Guess what? We practised it too - I know!!

At no point did I say "you can do this forever"

And no, you're completely wrong.
I'm not a "godawful" teacher.
That's two words by the way.

The children in my care are happy and achieve well. Praise from their parents, happy faces and good results are testament to this.

So, nice try 👍

Bullying 😂😂 get a grip ☺️

Go and have a lie down

People's experiences of teaching are wildly different depending on the setting. I often don't have any agency whatsoever when I am asked to do things. It's do it, or get out/we will make your life hell.

Cultures in schools vary hugely.

But yeah, chill out. You sound more stressed than me.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady I'll just say this once more. You need to know what score your ds needs to get into the school you're aiming at. For many-the a chores he is achieving already would be fine-for others not. You need to know whether you have to keep going over the summer, or whether you can relax (both of you, not just him) Don't rely just on the tutor-many have a vested interest in keeping on tutoring!

So sorry, I did mean to reply to you I just got sidetracked with some hysterical replies and accusations of bullying ☺️
I know he's fine score wise for VR and NVR, it's the maths that needs work.

Thank you for your helpful posts, it's really appreciated.

Whatever happened to children being told to just do their best? All this pressure and extra tutoring may result in a child passing his 11 plus and then having difficulty keeping up at his new school.

And to be clear, by saying "ok" to everything, I meant workload expectations (because that's what I was referring to) NOT approach to teaching styles or pedagogy in general.

Hi op. We're in the same boat, have a child sitting 11+ coming September. I think you're doing everything you can to support your child. It's probably a mixture of a little burnout (tutoring for 1.5 years, lots of homework) and particularly this heat.

Perhaps you being "too positive" (your DS's words) feels a little overwhelming as he may feel he's expected to answer a similar question next time he comes across it.

It's hard as a parent I know when you want to give them as much reassurance as we think they need but can sometimes be too much for them.

I wouldn't stop prepping all together but perhaps come off it a little in terms of your involvement.

for you

Agree with @CurlewKate - definitely would look around at other tutors or maybe the larger known centres (don't mean to repeat what I wrote but I think this is important).

Hope you find a balance that works well for both of you @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady

I don't agree with tutoring, my ds took and passed his 11+ with none from me or a tutor. This was the only way I new he would cope in the school.

Why is the 11+ the only exam people advocate sitting with zero preparation, I wonder? Is it because it’s seen as elitist?
Maths GCSE? Well, you’ve either got it or you haven’t. Don’t bother doing end of topic tests, mock exams, revision…

Thank you, I definitely will. It's become clear that he finds it hard to square the fact that I'm mum and also a teacher in his mind, which I totally understand. Lockdown was also a struggle for this reason! So I'll make an effort to leave it more with the tutor. Thank you x

Which 11+ is he sitting? Buckinghamshire is quite straight forward. 121 is a pass.

Schools are allocated by a criteria along the lines of cared for, sibling, distance from in catchment.

School transport is only offered if attending closest to home school.

My chikdren attended Bucks grammars - youngest finished A levels yesterday- I get the collective parent angst / hysteria which generates around the 11+.

I do think you need to back off somewhat. I don’t know anyone who has tutored for the length of time you have and can’t think of anyone who has done 1:1. Your child will be well aware of how invested you (and presumably his friends parents) are in this and will be desperately worried that he will not qualify and therefore make you sad.

The maths for the 11+ is curriculum based and shouldn’t cover anything he won’t have learnt by mid September of year 6. The VR codes are pretty straightforward as is NVR.

I say this gently but you are over invested in the 11+ and your child will know this. Don’t turn the summer into being all about the 11+ - it will only be counter productive.

I say this gently but just dial back everything you are doing. Your son doesn’t need this much tutoring and he needs you to be his mum not his teacher.

If he gets how to do the codes etc then that is all he needs to know. Vocabulary has always been the key thing so if you need to feel like you’re doing something make sure he reads a wide variety of books / read to him.

Youre a primary school teacher so you know all of this. The 11+ is one exam on one day. If he doesn’t qualify the world won’t stop turning - he will take the same exams whichever school he goes to. What is damaging is parents who are over invested- I’ve seen it many many times over the years and the pressure it puts on children is silly. He says he wants to do the 11+ but do consider how much of that is to please you or because of the hushed whispers about how important it is and how things will be bad if he doesn’t qualify. Also if he doesn’t qualify that’s fine and often a blessing in disguise as there is nothing so miserable as being the bottom of the pile in a selective school.

He's sitting the GL Birmingham exam.

At no point have I told him it will be bad if he doesn't qualify. I've been positive about our other options and are going to the schools open evenings with the same attitude. MY reservation is that he might not get into the other schools because of catchment. Again. He doesn't know this.
Not at any point has it been suggested that things will be bad if he doesn't qualify. Why are people insisting I have suggested things that are patently not true?
Some of the maths isn't taught until the spring of year 6. This is fact.

Every child in his class that is attempting the test has had the equivalent amount of tutoring. In my school also. In fact, some far, far more.

He's not overheard a single conversation about how I feel about this at any point. I make sure to have these conversations when he's not around (at his father's)

All our conversations have been based on we're giving it a go and it doesn't matter either way what the outcome is.

My ds wanted to do the 11+, and for a while after, when we got the result saying he achieved almost exactly the median score (and therefore no grammar place for him), I regretted my decision to not get a tutor.

However, the world kept turning. He will go to his local school with local friends and we'll support him with as much extra curricular as he would like. I am starting to believe that kids who want to achieve, will achieve anywhere.
I'm really glad he didn't feel the pressure like every child who I know that got in to grammar went through. Doing 11+ every day is a lot of pressure. My ds did 15 mins 3 x a week of w h smith books. He didnt pass, but he also never got upset or felt like he was a failure. In fact he says he's still pleased that he gave it a go!

Please re read your OP and think about whether pushing this is best for him.

@watcherintherye "Why is the 11+ the only exam people advocate sitting with zero preparation, I wonder? Is it because it’s seen as elitist?"

No, the idea is that it makes it not-elitist. It's supposed to be possible for any clever child to pass regardless of family or educational background, thereby increasing social mobility. This is,was, and will remain complete bollocks. As can easily be seen by the most cursory glance at the demographics of any grammar school.

Molko — move forward 2, 4, 6, 8 places alphabetically (unless I’ve miscounted; can’t be bothered to check!)

Op I think you’re over-thinking it.

If you’ve done 18 months of prepping and this is the first time there have been tears or feeling over-whined you’ve done very well. I’d say 95% of kids have phases when it all feels a bit much. Even the motivated and hard workers who are doing well get the fear when they see something that they hear they can’t do because they haven’t been taught it yet…..that’s what terrified them.

It’s all quite emotional. Today he felt a bit sad. Tomorrow he will probably feel okay.

You need to acknowledge it’s not always easy and it’s a slog. Don’t be ridiculously positive and cheerful…it’s fake and doesn’t help him to be over the top. You need to be repaired to say to him that you’re worn out and sick of it too….but the end of the tunnel is in sight. A level of honesty is needed.

Thefe will be more tears before it’s over. It’s just not a nice process. You need to be able to tell the diffference from someone who is essentially getting on okay and who has the normal days of feelings a bit overwhelmed, and someone who is hating, hating, hating it and needs to stop. He doesn’t sound like that.

And to those who go on about it being cruel…..it can be, but it isn’t always. Being abit upset about something occasionally isn’t something that needs avoiding at all costs. Finding something hard and persevering through the tough times isn’t a bad thing…it builds resilience and skills. Absolutely, being thoroughly miserable day after day and being made to do something you don’t want to and/or aren’t suited to is cruel, but the odd day of feeling a bit sad is to be expected and not a major problem.

I remmeber the prepping phase well. My DC would have maybe 1.5 hrs homework from their tutor and then maybe a few other bits to do. There were phases of hating it and phases of them finding elements difficult and being scared. We did have some tears. But they wanted to do it and knew that if they did their best and it didn’t work out, there would be a plan B, because as parents we were on it and they didn’t have to worry…that it was our responsibility to sort out.

You need to step back a bit as you’re in danger of being overwhelmed emotionally and getting over-invested. Kids pick up on that and it makes them stressed. You do what you can do, you plod on and stay calm and gauge when it’s time to have a few days break etc. and you have a Plan B.