11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

OP you are clearly very stressed, and we understand why.

But your child is also stressed and I suspect, despite your positivity, he is picking up on your emotional state.

You need to find a way to reconcile yourself with the risk that he may not get into the grammar. Can you move?

It might be normal in reality but MN is a different universe..

Really?!? My kids took 3 months. It’s a lot of pressure for way too long. I’m not surprised that some kids (and parents) will be broken by it.

I'm actually not stressed today. I've made some plans and adjustments that mean the pressure is turned right down now.

What IS stressing me out is people not reading the whole thread. And I'm afraid your post demonstrates just that. READ THE THREAD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. And your questions will be answered.

But maybe those schools are less selective. Not all grammar schools are the same competition level. Where I live there are grammar with competition of 11-12 per one place.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady

If you are a single mum then your son my stand a chance for a great bursary at a good local private. Just in case you have not thought about it :)
I wish you all the best

OP you just have to ignore all “cancel the cheque” commenters who can’t be arsed to read your comments. Not worth your blood pressure engaging with them.

Thank you, I might look into it

I know, you're completely right 😂
I spend 6 hours a day repeating myself to 5 year olds who didn't listen the first second or third time.
Just grates a bit when grown adults do the same...

But yes, I'll not bite!! Thank you again to all the fantastic posters with your brilliant advice x

>Not for 18 months!! That’s nuts.

Why not? Kids get tutoring for years. It is just the matter how intense it is and at what point. All 18 months doesn't need to be equally intense.

This is vintage MN shade of a quality rarely seen these days

Kent also require NVR as it’s also GL so you are way out of touch there I’m afraid.

@RedFluffyPanda I don't understand how some grammars are 'less selective'? Or are you merely staying there is a difference between selective schools and super selective?
OP child will sit GL assessment, exactly the same sort of exams my ds went through (also GL, and as others have said NVR is part of the assessment).

@YoDood we are in the same boat by the sounds of things. Didn't tutor, did some last minute prep. Having said this, DS mentioned some pupils (the ones who openly let people know), having had tuition since year 4 for the 11+
if there's one thing I've learnt from all this, is that I need to be an 11+ tutor (because it sounds like you make quite a lot of money from it all )

@SlowAndSteadyWinsTheRace

There are regions where the grammars don't have 12 kids per one place because there are quite a few. It is easier to get in. Seriously.

But of you want to hear " your child is a genius who prepared in 3 months" I can say to make you feel good.

"I don't understand how some grammars are 'less selective there is a difference between selective schools and super selective"

These is, some grammar take 20%-30% of the top applicants, some grammar take only top 3-5% percentage. It is completely different game.

Even exam format is provided by GL the difficulty and timing requirement is prescribed by individual school in order to fulfil the schools target selection criteria.

Give an example, the hardest GL assessment NVR paper you have, try to do 18 questions within 8 minutes, and aim for minimum 16 questions correct. That is the level required by some superselective. And for normal selective, probably you will be given easier version of GL papers, 15 minutes for 24 questions, and 80% would hit the pass mark.

@SlowAndSteadyWinsTheRace

>
Didn't tutor, did some last minute prep.
Having said this, DS mentioned some pupils (the ones who openly let people know), having had tuition since year 4 for the 11+

Wow how dumb they must be, mustn't they?

>if there's one thing I've learnt from all this, is that I need to be an 11+ tutor (because it sounds like you make quite a lot of money from it all )

wow aren't you also a walking genius? You will surely be billionaire

( Facepalm, how insensitive towards the author of this thread who struggles.)

@PreplexJ

>These is, some grammar take 20%-30% of the top applicants, some grammar take only top 3-5% percentage. It is completely different game.

Exactly what I meant. Thank you

@RedFluffyPanda you've misunderstood my posts completely. I have not been insensitive to the OP. @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady has stated a fair few times how she's gone back to the drawing board- so to speak. She isn't tutoring her child until steam comes out of his ears anyway. Completely different scenarios.
I didn't say my child is a genius, if you happen to use the search bar, look up 11+ you will find many parents going through the process/have dc in grammar schools that have used a variety of methods, or none at all.
I also, have not stated those children that have received extensive tutoring (and I mean gruelling), are 'dumb'- awful way to describe a 10/11 year old. Neither would I use the word pass/fail when it comes to 11+.
Demoralising terms!

I'm not sure why you felt offended by my post, but we all have our own way of doing things. I can also assure you, I am definitely not the only one who had a more relaxed approach.

The tutor comment was tongue in cheek; 11+ tutors (again let me clarify- not all), but generally from all the adverts I've seen, charge an arm and leg.

Just leave it to his tutor then. I get it's frustrating as I'm a now retired secondary teacher and my DS would never let me help/explain anything to.him but would accept every word his tutor said as gospel. Also I say this with.kindness but do you think you are working him too hard. Why not have a short break until school holidays start. Just let him do work with tutor and relax. You don't want burn out.

@SlowAndSteadyWinsTheRace

...Bragging about only 3 months preparation to the exam as compared to 12-18 months and how ingenious teacher you are in the thread of somebody who struggles?... It didn't sound kind and sensitive at all.

@RedFluffyPanda I apologies, as it feels you have been offended by my post.
However, I am not the poster that mentioned 3 months, nor did I mention my 'high quality' teaching.
My 'last minute prep' might mean anything from 10 months to 6 months- I didn't mention a timeframe.
I'm not sure why you've zoned in on my post and attributed other comments to me.
As I said, I was not insensitive to OP, if you re read the whole thread, you will see my post is far from insensitive. OP has also mentioned how she's making changes, which includes doing less (I haven't told OP to do so).
Please don't feel attacked by my post- I understand the stress and pressure associated with the 11+. I am sure you and others are doing a fine job, I do, and I won't deny this, have trust issues with some tutors. The sorts that keep saying your child isn't making any improvements at all after months of sessions.

@SlowAndSteadyWinsTheRace

Well you mentioned that you have the same experience as YodDod, ingenious teacher.

On another note, my growing concern is that in grammar schools apart from some modest kids are also ending academically strong kids who also think that they are God's gift to this world.

@RedFluffyPanda once again, I apologise, just saying that we didn't start 2 years prior does not mean I said we also did 3 months. Simply saying to another poster we are in the same boat- did not imply we did exactly what that poster said or did. For a lot of personal reasons, there was no way we could have started tutoring 2 years prior to exam even if we wanted.

I also used Facebook groups when nearer the time to see what I may have missed. And I was truly taken aback. I am talking about non stop work for kids. After school, weekends and holidays. I wish I was lying, but most of the people on the groups stated their child only had half an hour free time on a Sunday. Imagine grinding a child that much for 2 years? Surely even you wouldn't agree with that.

And as for the second comment, which i hope wasn't targeted at me, because that is the complete opposite of my dc. We are not a family that would ever encourage such behaviour. However, you will find low line bullying at times due to certain factors; for us the potential of being bullied is: 1) we aren't white, and 2) we are from the next town, a deprived town that is usually laughed at. So no, that won't be my child; chances are my child will be the target of 'snobbery'.

@RedFluffyPanda I've sent a private message to you

OP, it’s a bit ironic that you say here you won’t ‘bite’.

TBH, you’ve done an awful lot of biting.

You raised a controversial topic on MN. You know people don’t read all of long threads and yet you keep getting cross with people.

You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. You don’t have to explain your situation. Just take the useful advice that has been given and ignore other comments…..unless you’re wanting to feed the thread and want to be in an argument….some people on MN clearly do want to be.

This thing about feeling stressed one day and then feeling better the next….it’s normal. Both you and DS will have days in this process where you feel stressed and overwhelmed. You have to recognise it for what it is. If it happens occasionally it’s okay and normal. You make adjustments like you have done…and plod on. That’s fine and it’s not a major problem. Some people can’t distinguish guise between a couple or few days of feeling stressed in a 2 year orocess and being wracked with anxiety for the whole time. They are 2 quite different things and fortunately you do t sound like you’re in the latter camp.

People who have gone through 11+ before DO understand. We know the horrible tension of both feeling that it really really matters and also knowing it’s vital that the sense of this is minimised for the kids. We understand thr tension between feeling that another couple of hours work a week is needed and wanting to keep the balance so it’s not too much for the child. We know the tension between spitting little things in their work that we want to point out for improvement and talk about multiple times in a week and knowing we have to keep quiet and not let it become too much. We understand the worry that we are not doing enough for our child or doing too much and that other people’s witting and unwitting comments can make us feel terrible.

But you need to keep perspective. You made a plan 18 mi this ago and you’ve been going forward with it slowly and steadily. You will keep doing it with adjustments and by the time that exam comes, your DS will have been prepped and you have to trust he will do the best he can and beyond that you just don’t have control over it. You will be able to rest afterwards and I hope take comfort from a sense of having done what felt right and accepting the outcome that occurs. Try to get behind anger….and if you look back at this thread you do express a lot of anger. It doesn’t help your son or you. Do t be angry with other posters or children who are disruptive in schools or their parents or even the government if it is spoiling your life. You’re working with what’s available to you and that’s all you can do. And it will be over soon.