11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

Poor boy! Your son just need a mum at home not another teacher.
I grow up in a teacher's home, my parents are both teachers. Teachers are always bring home their teaching skill, always encouring, pursuading and patience. The skills are all good, but don't use them to cover the real thoughts. Check with your boy, talk about his real feeling. Admit he is not one of your students. Because you saw so many pupils and they are doing well, so you want your own son follow their path. He should have his own way!
Back to 11+, do what you can to support him as a mum not as another teacher.
Even this hard exam allow mistakes, if he cannot manage some concept, may only lose few points, use some strategy not a big deal.
For youself only word is relax, ask if he fail do you still love him? Just continue love him then let him do his own work. Don't let the exam spoil your relationship.

I don’t have any children in grammar schools, not sure why you think I do.

Neither will go to selective state schools

Apologies - I was inferring based on your previous post about your DC’s experience of tutoring. Wrong of me to make an assumption.

times have changed and pretty much nobody gets in these schools without years of tutoring. Most underplay how much they have done. Do what you think is right for your child and you. A 10 year old will possibly never say ‘yeah give me so much work for a school entry I know nothing about.’ I get you know as an adult what the future might hold. Definitely try Atom as it is online and marked. Good luck.

In our area the 11+ / entrance exams for all the grammars and privates are full of stuff that isn't taught until later in yr6 in state schools. Literally every child is tutored to pass. Common for people to tutor for two years. It's an entire industry

For all those questioning why any tutoring is necessary for 11+, would you like to tell us what the answer is and why to this non verbal reasoning question? Which square completes the grid.

@WandaWonder @Roomonthedustpan @Defaultsettings @bookworm14

By way of background, I have an Oxbridge degree and couldn’t do it.

I showed it to my uncle (first class physics degree from Oxford, PhD from Imperial, post-doc from Paris and decades as a physics professor). He couldn’t do it either.

So am very interested to hear how you all get on….

@BarqsHasBite it is C.

Tbh this is one of the easy NVR questions I have seen. Gven the rules and explain the logic, won't be difficult to solved by 11 year old or university graduate or professor..

The hard part is the timing, think about doing these kind of test with a pace of less than 30 second per question. And those who scores most correct will pass the test. It will require intensive practice and tutoring to do it well.
Even so I failed to comprehend why it is a good way to select students like this.

I completely agree that once you know the rules and the logic these are certainly do-able, but you’re right that the real challenge then comes with being able to do these under exam conditions with enormous time pressure.

I’m similarly perplexed that the NVR (and some of the VR in particular!) is the best and fairest way of predicting academic potential but no doubt it has been shown to be the case.

I would go with C also. White moves to next corner and black by half a space for want of a better explanation.

@BarqsHasBite looks like it's the type of test that people think can't be tutored. But very much are. I had no idea but @KittyMcKitty explanation makes sense once you know what to look for

I immediately saw it was C - but I've had four children go through the 11+ successfully - (and the eldest is now at Cambridge - he could do them as fas as he looked at them all those years ago). However, without the HOURS of practising NVR over the years with the other three, I would have sat there for a long time figuring out what was moving where....

Yes, the suggestion that they are somehow a test of innate ability and that they can’t be taught is laughable.

Schools will NEVER be the answer to social mobility and ‘better resuits.’ This is because the real determiners are home-life, upbringing, parental support and the natural ability of the child.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady good luck for next month. Hope you and your son managed to iron out the creases

Ah, thank you so much for checking in!
@Alargeoneplease89 really kind of you x

Yes, things are a lot better thank you. We've cut right back on the volume and have been just doing the mock tests and associated corrections as homework. Tutor wasn't particularly happy about it if I'm honest, but it needed to change!

Only thing causing a bit of anxiety now is that DS has been given an afternoon slot for the test... Would have preferred a morning slot as he'd be more focused I think, but not a lot I can do about that really.

Good luck to all those with DC sitting the exam in a couple of weeks. The end is in sight!!

Well you know what's best for your son and by this stage volume definitely isn't the answer, it's just fine tuning on timing and silly mistakes. I'm sure he will do great! Just remind him that half the applicants will be taking the test in the afternoon so he's certainly not at a disadvantage. Just plan something nice for after so he can totally forget about it and don't ask him about the questions otherwise he doubts himself and you may panic. My children both came out and talked about the questions and I was thinking omg you are wrong and failed (in my head) but they actually passed very well.

My DD starts grammar school next week so she's very nervous as none of her friends got in but I remind her she's worked so hard to get there and to enjoy the experience. Honestly feels like forever ago she done the test, I can still feel the nerves of dropping her off and picking her up.

The problem with all these MN conversations is that only you know the exact context of your local schools. It is absolute nonsense for other MN parents to tell you that the other schools will be fine, if you know that it won't be right for your child.

Anyway, I just wanted to suggest something that may be a useful fall-back option: have you considered going to teach at a 3-18 independent school? You could teach in the prep part and your son could attend the senior section.

Best of luck for the test.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady Wonderful to hear that you have made changes and things have improved. I like the honesty in your OP and think this is a brave thread. It must be particularly tough to go through this as a single parent. Best wishes to your boy.

To parents who are reading this thread and considering a grammar for their child: please do not let some of the comments here put you off even trying. I live in a grammar area in South London and find it disheartening that some families who wanted a grammar for their smart, motivated children ended up giving up because of hearing that it is impossible to succeed without enormous sacrifices. Yes, some families do make such sacrifices (their choice) but not all. And yes, successful preps require a lot of commitment but not at all the the extent sometimes mentioned here or in other similar threads. My son -who is no way Einstein- has a place at his first-choice grammar and, while he did work hard for it, he 'only' started preps in Y5 and continued extra-curricular activities 4 to 6 times a week throughout (including the nights before the tests). He went to parties, on holidays, played video games, etc. There was still plenty of time to prep. Not sure how beneficial more hours would have been since he would have been very tired. Quality over quantity :) My husband and I prepared him, which I accept may not work for everyone but if you can't find/afford a good tutor, it may be an option. There are a lot of great books and free online resources available. IMO, the key is to focus on the format/scope of the tests and to make sure your kid does a lot of physical activity, which helps optimise brain function and keep them relaxed. And invest your money in PTA mocks if they exist. And of course make sure your child has seen the local comps and believe (rightly or wrongly!) they are a good alternative.

Of course everyone's circumstances (family, financial, etc) are different. I say all the above as a parent who recognises that the grammar system is unfair but that's another topic!

Op sorry if it's been mentioned already but unless it's super selective, he will already with done extra maths and exposure to nvr be ready sorry plus exam technique.

I totally understand parents wanting to make it cast iron that their dc will pass esp in grammatically areas but they don't really need this massive extra load.
What I trying to say is back off now.
In my experience they need the maths which often isn't taught, the exam technique, and exposure to nvr.
One of my dd was just on the greater depth math cusp at school and gd for everything else.
I did what I've said above and put her in for a coaching school mock 11 plus. We did a few bits here and there mainly on nvr and looked at u tube.
She passed and she's now apparently "high" in her cohort.
The other one could have done with the 11 plus coaching school but only because her experience has been very different.

Op also no child really likes their parent teaching them.

At this point and having had a tutors for so long I would relax back and let what happens happens.

I thought this was a really good post ^^^

It matches my experience.

Op, I don't know where you are based, but hope it went well / will go well for your child.

Mine say it, he said he feels much different now that it's all over - he did feel the pressure and it was a difficult few months leading up to the exam, but he is actually very pleased he did it; it feels like a big achievement for him, whether or not he passed the test is another matter but he is happy still!

-*mins has already sat it

Eldest DD is sitting the exam this week !

I struggle to see how we will have mostly healthy mindset adults in the future