11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

'I used a tutor because I can't be both to my son.'

And yet that's why you've been posting here - you've slipped into the role of if not tutor then chief encourager to do work he doesn't always want to do. And you've been advised to step back.

That really is the most useful advice. And of course the thread has spilled over into other areas. It's a chat.
Chats tend to.

OP, I know your area well. Depending on where you are it may be worth trying for ATS, PS, or FA. The birth rate is slightly lower in the current year 5 so competition for places won’t be quite as mad as it was for September ‘23.

Otherwise I think you are very wise in your decision to back off a bit. Tell the tutor you won’t be going through the corrections any more. A bright child should be able to meet the required standard with 18 months of fairly light-touch tutoring; with all kindness, if they can’t, they are in for a very tough 5-7 years.

I’ve re-read this and I don’t think my final sentence is clear, sorry. I meant that they would be in for a tough time at a grammar if they needed more than 18 months‘ tutoring along with their natural aptitude in order to get in.

I know it's the most useful advice. This is evident because I've acknowledged it multiple times in this thread, have agreed wholeheartedly and said I will act upon it.

What is it exactly that you are taking issue with?

I completely get it OP. We did the grammar 11+ and then some private exams. I think if you’ve not been through it you don’t get it.

Also worth remembering he is only 10. My 10 year old equally wanted to pass BUT constantly moaned and groaned about the actual sitting down and doing the work because in that moment they’d rather have done something else. Whilst they intellectually understood they needed to do the work to pass (which they did really want), the maturity to translate that into proactively wanting to sit down and work as opposed to watching Tv or playing a computer game.

Following advice of friends who had been through it I’m afraid we turned to bribery - a token for each period done, could be cashed in at pre agreed exchange rate for wanted items. For comparatively little money it worked better than before it.

Thank you @ThanksItHasPockets x

I've done exactly that this afternoon. Had a really frank chat with his told her we will be scaling the homework right back and that I will be very much taking a back seat 👍

If the pressure keeps piling on, I'll be taking him out of the tutoring and perhaps look at the atom learning other posters have kindly suggested, as we'll be able to take that at a pace DS is comfortable with.

Upon lots of reflection, I think the fact that she has been setting him so much work around things he is already very competent with (NVR and VR) that it became overwhelming. We need to focus on what needs work, not doing to death the aspects he's already very comfortable with.

We'll see anyway. I've appreciated the fantastic advice and have put some changes in place today that will hopefully take the pressure off x

So you are aiming at private schools? Grammar schools don't require NVR.

If in mock tests he is below 80 percent I would make a shift in head and start understanding that he may not get to the highly selective schools.

But not all private and grammars are highly selective and he still can make it.

You have to embrace it. There is a live outside of selective schools, you know :)?

The Birmingham GL Assessment test does. English comprehension, verbal reasoning, maths and non-verbal / spatial reasoning.

No, it's grammar. GL boards definitely do require NVR for Grammar.

Yes, I'm aware there is a life outside of selective/grammar schools. I've acknowledged it multiple times in this thread. I'd be more than happy for him to go to a decent comprehensive. I just don't happen to live in the immediate catchment of one.

@RedFluffyPanda you’re incorrect, many state grammar 11+ exams require NVR including the Birmingham consortium the OP’s son is sitting.

Upon lots of reflection, I think the fact that she has been setting him so much work around things he is already very competent with (NVR and VR) .. this is probably to improve his timing - I remember my eldests tutor set him lots of maths which was his thing - a very high score on that compensated for a low NVR .. so definitely come back to those areas nearer the time

Hi, I was where you are last year...DD was about to sit the 11+. The local comps are dire around here, the behaviour they show on the way to school, and the school buses have actually stopped and kicked all children off as they were so badly behaved on the bus they refused to go further.
DD agreed she didn't want to go there... She is a quiet girl and can be easily led....so I did worry she would fall in with a bad crowd, and also she's easily distracted so she would have been distracted by others misbehaving in class.

I am a bit surprised that your tutor hasn't taught all the curriculum needed for the test yet, Our tutor did a different aspect every week to get everything taught....before starting on mock tests.

Try not to worry too much about having a "not as good" subject. My DD it was English comprehension.... She'd get 95%+ on vr/NVR and 60%ish on English.... her good scores bumped up her overall score and took her above average.

And maybe speak to the tutor and mention D's doesn't want you to go through the work with him...if that's getting him stressed then the tutor needs to be doing this. (It is what you pay them for) give it a few weeks and see if it helps.

Good luck 🤞

We are looking looking into a particular school for DD that requires the 11+ math and English.

We don’t have a tutor for her , I’m now wondering if it’s worth all the stress for her to sit the exam in September without having a tutor ? x

Not in your position, but I tried to help my DD with maths, I am really good at maths, but she hated me trying to help because I did it differently. I gave up apart from saying when she was wrong and why, if I thought I could explain it her way. A nightmare. She did great in the end.

@NowYouSee really? I wasn't aware of it but thank you for telling me.
And they still assume that the exam is based only on school curriculum? Lol

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady

Apologies, have not read all of the posts.

Religious schools? Relocation?

Apply for more distant schools and find a Special Circumstances?

Well...you probably thought about all options:)

Just worrying that you will be devastated if he doesn't get it. He shows signs of " burning" point.

My son attends 11+ tutoring but I don't like local grammar, we just see it is great for his knowledge.

He is burnt out OP.

Did he really need 18 months of tutoring with extra work with his mum on top (and his dad, if you had your way)?? Our two did 3 months of cramming with a tutor from a standing start and got into a top London independent.

Suggests either that you’re over doing it or that he’s not there academically, in which case these won’t be the right schools for him.

Either way you will damage your relationship with him and it will kill his enthusiasm for learning.

I can't be bothered to keep repeating myself, its getting very tiring.

Read the thread.

I am not doing extra work with him. I was going through incorrect answers to tests with him. He did the rest on his own. And yes, I would expect his dad to have some input. Given that he's his other parent and all.

God, I've repeated myself AGAIN.

I am lucky enough to have above average levels of patience though. Just as well.

And no, I won't be devastated if he doesn't get in.
I'll be devastated if his only option if he doesn't pass is the awful comprehensive on my doorstep.
If he gets one of the other two comprehensive options, I'll be delighted.

I'm not sure how else I can explain this. Again.

“we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week”

That’s a lot of extra work for a child his age.

"That’s a lot of extra work for a child his age."

No this is a very normal 11plus routine.

I KNOW AND I HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED THIS, ACCEPTED IT AND INDEED, GONE AND RECTIFIED THIS TODAY.

OH. MY. GOD.

Not for 18 months!! That’s nuts.

Not sure, depends on the context.

@YoDood I'm no fan of grammars or 11+ but I'm afraid 18 months (or more) is utterly normal.