Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

He needs a strong male role model and mentor.

I never suspected I had ADHD so what a NT person might see as being ADHD. I just thought Ds and dd were doing what I did at that age

I was shocked by that, too. Covering up such bad behaviour wasn't a favour to him or the OP.

School heads are NOT supposed to do this.

So sorry, this sounds really difficult. Some of his actions could have had dire consequences and are not just silly mistakes - they come with a very real risk of causing serious injury/death to himself or others. He also risks a criminal record if he continues to do these things.

Is there any course open that he would actually enjoy? Maybe coding/IT skills with a qualification.

You are joking, right? Would you want your life in his hands?

@CoastalWave - My own parents completely failed to notice it in me. Apparently I was always “attention seeking”, “dramatic” and “disorganised/scatty” though 🙄

Some DC are just labelled as difficult or as day dreamers (if not hyperactive).

Give the medication a chance to work and restart as soon as you can continue with the foodbank etc and don't let him out with his old friends if you can get him somewhere he can make new more stable friends

I wouldn't let him have time off. I think routine and structure are your friends here. Princes Trust? Apprenticeship? There may also be options to finish the academic year via correspondence but if he's not a self starter maybe best to wait and see if 6 months reference from an employer etc will mean a ( different) college will see he has matured and may overlook the expulsion and allow him back to finish his education. Sounds tricky. Good luck op.

Er...where the fuck in my post did I write carrying knives was high jinks?? Please don't accuse me of things that are completely absent in my post.

Let's recap on what I posted:

The knife is a serious incident, but what was the school doing about the bullying? Why should be expelled and all the implications of that - because he felt trapped by bullies? That's often why teenagers carry knifes, in fear of others. There's a HUGE difference between teenagers terrified of being attacked and teenagers carrying knifes to rob, bully, coerce other teenagers. Of course its wrong, and serious, but some naunce needs to be shown.

Where the fuck do I write carrying a knife is normal teenage kicks??

My partner works for the Metropolitan police, OP's child carried a knife to school because they were in fear from bullies, there's a difference, as I stated in my post, its a deadly serious offence, but I stand by what I said, automatic expulsion will cause more harm than good. This is problem, a tiny minority causing fear, which in turn causes boys to stupidly arm themselves, once armed, they are 100% more likely to do harm or be harmed.

If you find this 'disturbing' then read the below. What's needed for knife crime is calm solutions from experts, not populist hysterics which seems to the be the order of the day from the current gov, which my partner will tell you, isn't going to work. I find it disturbing that solutions are being offered by experts, but in England we dont listen to 'experts' anymore do we?

www.standard.co.uk/news/london/lib-peck-violence-reduction-school-exclusions-knife-crime-b977962.html

Stop minimising your son’s terrible behaviour and stop letting him play video games all the time.

This sounds so tough op but he is lucky to have you looking out for him. I agree something structured might be good for him. Plenty of kids turn things around and do great, especially with the support you are giving him.

I agree. I'd have him at a martial arts class, at a boxing gym, signed up for an apprenticeship or the army. Not flim flamming around at charity shops and food banks and paying him a wage out of my own pocket. He'd have structure and discipline and positive role models who are used to dealing with teenagers who are teetering on the edge.

I think you’re on the right path OP. He could do with a bit more insight into what ‘real life’ is like - and a motivation to double down to work harder and behave better next year (or even the year after).

My siblings and I sadly were of a similar ilk. One brother in particular - he got into trouble with the police after smashing up a building site. He was very very lucky that he and his friend weren’t prosecuted. They obviously had to pay all damages - but it was the catalyst for him to stop farting about. He ended up at Cambridge uni.

All is not lost OP.

Echoing what previous posters have said, I think education can wait. It sounds like it’s not really beneficial to him at the moment and he needs to take some time out for his own well-being. Education will still be there when he’s ready. If he wants to go to uni he can always do an an access course in the future or look at taking some A Levels via online school.

I’d definitely encourage him to carry on with the volunteering and maybe think about a small amount of paid work some time in the future. Best of luck to you both, it sounds hard.

I absolutely hate the idea personally but some would say that this is what conscription is for. Just possibly, joining the army might be good for him?

What A'levels was he doing? If he's that bright there's nothing to stop him home studying until you manage to get him into another school or another placement, or whatever decision/route you choose.

I'd be chasing everybody! every minute of every day. Phoning emailing chasing following up. I'd Throw every bit of emotional energy I had, all my time, all my money. I throw everything I had at it.

I'd be phoning old school, new school, old doctor, new doctor : find out who he was due to be seen with NHS and get him in to have an appointment with them privately paying for any appointments until his nhs ones came about. I'd do everything within my control.

He's got the odds stacked against him before he's even begun! ASD Children often feel like their brain is completely differently wired and some feel like part of their brain hasn't developed like NT children.

Even normal NT children boys are often behind in their emotional development and the frontal cortex doesn't develop until nearly 21.

Add onto that his hormonal delayed puberty - he's screwed! before he even begins.

I'd make a plan of attack and get going on it!

The school covering it up and allowing him to leave without a 'record' is unethical, particularly given it was multiple incidents. Getting away with all that is an appalling lesson. If he does the same stuff without the safety net of school, there is a real risk of a criminal record/prison.

Or. You can hire me. I'm free. I cost nothing. I love a good fucking fight and believe you me I've had enough experience.

Now that Ds2 is off at uni and doing very nicely, funnily enough I've got a bit of time on my hands. PM me if I can be of any assistance.

I would be moving. You need to separate him from his ‘friends’. He needs to get a job.

So sorry OP.

Is multi systemic therapy an option in your area? It’s funded by the NHS and it’s a specific intervention for children who are at risk of getting a criminal record due to anti social behaviour.

The therapist works by analysing the teenagers ‘systems’ (eg school, home, their friendship group) and helps the parents to create a home system that gets the teen back on track.

it’s quite intensive (3 x a week for 5/6 months) but the therapist works with the adults rather than the teen. It’s sort of like family therapy crossed with CBT by proxy!

Not available in every area but worth looking into (you might need a letter of recommendation from the head teacher and/or the youth offending team).

www.mstuk.org/families/where-are-mst-uk-teams

OP has only posted a couple of times, so not difficult to follow but theyve clearly mentioned he already has a job!

Can you also please assess if he has adhd? I have adhd and impulsive behaviours are traits.
if it was me I would give him the year off, have the therapy and enrol in a college for a fresh start.

I'm not sure not getting him expelled is actually the best course of action?

It sounds like he needed to be in a different setting with better supervision and lower ratios where he can better reach his potential.

Maybe him being expelled could help your case?

Is it too late for this?

I'm amazed he's stayed where he is for so long given his behavioural issues.

Oh, Christ, ignore the moral rectitude brigade, OP - I'm sure you will anyway. I'm not in agreement that the school has covered itself in glory either. Important to remember that your son has a serious endocrine disorder, which of course will affect him behaviourally, even leaving aside the fact that he's also neurodivergent. Personally, I think his school should have suggested he take time out to get things on an even keel medically and then come back when he's ready and able to work productively and behave appropriately. It may be sooner than you all think, once he's getting the treatment he needs. Depending on how he feels about everything that's happened, he might need counselling too.

But the school drawing a line in the sand may be a blessing in disguise. It sounds like they didn't meet his needs when he was feeling intimidated by other students, and he doesn't seem to have lacked partners in crime when he was trashing windows and throwing shopping trollies around either. Once he's ready to return to education, a new peer group could probably only be a good thing.

In the meantime, seconding suggestions like Forest School, Prince's Trust etc. Try to keep it structured, focused and constructive, and imo ideally creative. I'd ignore any ideas connected with the military/cadets/TA etc. Not sure people are really grasping the medical dimensions here.

Chin up. You must be out of your mind with worry.

It sounds like school is just not a good environment for him. I echo others saying look at alternatives such as apprenticeships. Many students that struggle in mainstream thrive in another environment.