Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

If you can afford it I’d work towards him doing voluntary work this year, outdoors and physical if possible, away from screens (as he will do this in free time). If possible with adults, not other young people. Other skills that you can learn together?
Trying as much to give strong support /encouragement rather than job / A levels being the focus of what he is not doing. Instead small responsibilities, lots of praise, keep a good routine each day. Then make decisions about next year. It’s going to be tough. Are there any organisations CAMHS can put you/ him in touch with?

He sounds like he Will get there but the key thing is to keep him away from others who are negatively influencing him and who are leading to him feeling he has to prove himself to them.

He can prove worth in other ways, he just needs clear guiding on the way to do this.

Focus on the positive stuff he's doing and use this as an opportunity to push those things more where you can.

It does sound like school feel he's gone past a point where they can make allowances for behaviour due to ASD and they feel they have a responsibility to protect other pupils and not minimise those behaviours too (they cannot be too inconsistent on rules otherwise it will be exploited). However it also sounds like they are sympathetic to a degree still too.

He just needs to find something that works for him and he will be fine. School is just not the best place for everyone.

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He has a lot going on and I think a year out to allow the hormones to kick in and puberty to begin is a great idea.

My son and niece both went into puberty at a younger age than their peers - both have significant MH issues. My son is now 15 and completely through it. He is mature and settled.

My poor niece is still in it and it's hell for her and my sister.

So I definitely think not starting puberty must be impacting your son significantly.

Also, agree you should look at ADHD. I have it and the impulse, thrill seeking has nearly ended me on a few occasions.

Also, please don't try and limit your son's gaming. At least he is safe while he games. It is not a hill to die on.

Good luck - I so hope you can get through this and get your ds to where he should be.

It sounds to me like he is the kind of kid who needs to be in work doing something he is interested in, and busy all the time. He also needs a bit of firm direction at this stage of his life. Have a look at eg the navy website and see if travelling the world and gaining technical skills (up to and including a degree) while earning appeals to him. He sounds clever enough to really flourish, potentially.

@BloodAndFire yes knife crime is horrendous, I didn't suggest it wasn't. The OP is looking for helpful suggestions for her son, I am sympathising with her as a mother of a ND teenager who can be impulsive. Do not confuse my sympathy for not caring about the actions/consequences of knife crime!

To those saying it's ADHD...

would that not have been evident since a young child?

My son is now 8 but he's been 'different' since he was a baby/toddler. I simply can't imagine not knowing there was anything non neuro typical and then him getting to be a teenager and suddenly thinking oh must be ADHD.

There are charities out there that come into schools with ex prisoners. They do great work with things like County Lines, knife crime, substance abuse.

My thoughts are these. Having the rest of the academic year off studying sounds sensible. Getting a part time job sounds sensible. If he cannot get a job then volunteering would be sensible - ideas might be charity shops (sorting and pricing if not working in the shop), outdoor volunteering (wildlife trust, friends of local parks etc). If he is prosecuted for the recent incident he is likely to end up working with the local Youth Justice Team who should be able to help him and suggest options, as well as working with him on issues like consequences of actions. If he is more ready for next September then a vocational course at an FE College might be an option. I do think it is very important to keep him occupied to minimise the influence of friends who encourage bad behaviour. I hope things work out well for him in the longer term.

I’m shocked that his “exclusion “ is going to be covered up! So he has learned that the adults around him will lie for him!
That’s totally minimising his actions and will do him no favours in the future. What are you going to do the next time he is found with a knife in him? He has ASD. He deserves brutal honesty from the adults around him in order to get the right support moving forward. I’m afraid his school has done him a great injustice by covering up his actions.

@JaNath i used to be a PT TEAM leader, it would be very suitable for him.

Good luck, op, I think you sound like a great mum who's fighting hard for her son.

A year out with a level of responsibility, study and adjustment to treatment sounds like a really good idea. Wishing you all the best of luck.

My nephew was diagnosed with ADHD at 26. It became more apparent at Uni, he’s now on medication which has helped him enormously.
ADHD is so much more than a “whirlwind” toddler who won’t sleep. My DN can sleep for England!

NACRO are great! In a previous life I volunteered alongside some people from there running playschemes.

The Princes Trust is another great place to look.

I would suggest that you ask him what he wants.

I am teacher and am appointee to my ND brother, so have seen some of this behaviour from both sides.

DD is being assessed at 17, most schools etc won’t pick it up in most cases.
I feel awful we didn’t think of it earlier - I thought there was something but she saw a paed age 8/9 for something else who literally said “I did wonder about autism or similar but I’m confident she doesn’t have that”
It was a Counsellor at 6th form College who suggested it (and DD has seen Counsellors previously). We are going Private though as out GP more or less just shrugged his shoulders

@Delphigirl Territorial Army would be a start,

This must be such a difficult time for you, behavioural issues are likely to have a much deeper meaning and your doing well by considering thing to help other than ineffective punishment. After having my eldest put through the cahms system its terrible, from mum to mummy i suggest private counselling.

Aside from the behavioural issues, speak with your local authority - our local council has specialist programmes for teenagers not in education or training and provides them with support and guidance in to work, with additional certification and training as needed.

Take a look here - Traineeships

This is where our system is consistently failing children who then go on to commit criminal acts and cost society even more! It would be so much better if every service around your son had acted sooner but I know because out DD is autistic that you have to fight for everything.

Does he have an EHCP? If not push for one. You need a multi disciplinary team working on supporting him to work or study. Speak to social services as well. Infact speak to everyone you can think of.

I would disagree with posters who say take a year out as then he'll be 18 and you won't be able to input as much as he will be considered and adult.

Our nephew is autistic and has Pathological demand avoidance he presents very violently at times (although he is younger than your son) his mum has fought for a long time and he is now at a specialist outdoor school plus only doing a couple of GCSEs which has really reduced the episodes but I could quite see him going down a similar path.

Might be an unpopular opinion but I'd say restricting his access to video games is important here.
I've worked for years with children with a wide range of additional support needs, and so many parents (I'm not saying you do) think that because their child is engaging in something quietly it must be good for them. It's absolutely not. It's addictive, almost like a drug, and a lot of games that kids play encourage or include violence, killing and fighting. The amount of inappropriate chat that goes on in those games random kids can talk to each other on is terrifying too.
The real world cannot replicate the instant gratification that video games provide.
In almost every case of violent behaviour I've dealt with at work there has been some link to a video game/not getting to play/being told by another kid they're a 'noob' or something like that.
I'm not saying this is your sons issue, but f its the only thing he is interested in I guarantee it doesn't help.

Definitely try get him involved in an apprenticeship or something productive. He's lucky he's not been locked up as a young offender.

Not being funny, but Ted Bundy was charming too. Being liked by adults and teachers doesn't mean anything. Im a teacher and there have been multiple occasions where I'd love to tell parents that I think their kids are dangerous/ potentially mentally ill, but we're not allowed, so 'he is a very polite boy when he wants to be' (or something along those lines) is a stock answer. Focus on his actions and make sure the consequences are fitting.

I nearly always give the same advice. On a practical level OP will now have to attack this from all sides, like a detective taking notes at each stage: the discipline, the structure, the counselling, emotionally maturing, chasing endless medical people re the hormones and possible ADHD, future schools, the council.

My ds1 almost nearly broke me, but he's now thriving at Uni. This kid is clearly very bright. He needs opportunities aswell as punishment. Whilst having done stuff seriously wrong, it's a bit early to put him in jail and throw away the key.

If you genuinely work with teens, you will know that this behaviour is NOT very uncommon.

There are a lot of judgey and clueless posts on this thread OP but there are also some with really good advice. I feel for you and hope he gets himself together soon.

What does his father have to say about all this?

I agree with him getting a more physical job while he is out of school.

Construction, garden/landscape crew, farm
Jobs like that give a lot of structure.

Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else,

Only a mother could be so utterly delusional, it wasn't 'silly' behaviour it was vandalism which could lead to many deaths. I doubt he was prosecuted which is a shame, it might have led to him staying in school.

I’m shocked that his “exclusion “ is going to be covered up! So he has learned that the adults around him will lie for him

Nonsense, it means that he won't have it following him around all his life.

I guess you're against the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act too - once a criminal always a criminal. My goodness MNers are so judgey at times. I don't believe for a minute you're all as perfect as you think you are, or your kids are.

I could not agree with this more strongly. @JaNath forget his education for a while and focus on the underlying issues. Your boy is exhibiting marked anti-social behaviour and this may escalate and direct out at others.

Delayed puberty does severely delay brain development - puberty is central to maturing the brain in terms of emotional maturity and recognition of consequences. So the hormone therapy should help.

(Do you know why his puberty is delayed, have there been tests for an underlying neurological issue? If there are problems with his amygdala or hippocampus then that could also be leading to anto-social behaviour).

I strongly urge if you have any ability at all in these difficult times, to make financial sacrifices elsewhere to get him private therapy, immediately. CAMHS is overwhelmed and very bad outside of the wealthy London and SE. If there was anything worth spending money on, this is it.

I feel for you and hope things improve for your boy very very soon.