11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

[usernamebore]

Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions, they are much appreciated and very helpful. It is of course impossible to get across the reality of our DS and how things are going via posts like this. It is all much more complex than my anxious ramblings can portray. He is in good spirits this eve and after all that he got 100% on his German written test…I totally understand where all of you telling us to pull him out are coming from, but I really do think that would be premature at this stage. We are working with him, the school is working with him, the psychologist is working with him and I know he feels supported and loved. We do seem to be making progress every day, and things are a lot better than they were in the first week. Today he was sick and tired and overwhelmed, but we can’t make any snap decisions based on that. Last week he was fine in school every day. Things are still hard, but much better. So we are staying on the path we are on for now, but will be absolutely willing to change tack if it looks like things are deteriorating. And I don’t want to leap to any conclusions re autism or anything like that because these things are extremely complex and I am not a professional.

@Mummyford she has had depression issues for decades and has been on Prozac since she was 18. And I have GAD and have had since I was a kid. I used to be on meds but they stopped working so I have been off for the last 6 years or so and doing well with CBT/ACT, exercise and meditation etc. so the poor kid has it coming down to him on both sides 😂

Username you know your child best. Advice here is good but I know being a parent in this situation everyone has different opinions and it sounds like you're doing your best for your ds and weighing up different factors. it's exhausting. My ds has improved but the week when he had a cold was terrible.

Based on your family history, I would really encourage you to add a child psychiatrist into the mix. I'm a stranger on the internet, and not medically trained, but I'm guessing you've got a complicated mix of burgeoning adolescence, some degree of neurodiversity, loss, lots of change, and genetic predispositions all coming together simultaneously. If I was in your shoes, I'd want someone to be assessing and adding input from that perspective.

And this is neither here nor there, but I think 11 is a pretty shit time to move boys (particularly ones who tend towards being very sensitive and conscientious). My first moved schools at 11 and had a crap time of it. My second, we kept at prep through Y8 and took our chances on a place opening up at 13 (lucked out), and the whole transition was so much easier. DD was fine, but she had a level of maturity at 11 that took longer with my DS's

I wish you all the very best. The perfect storm you have described is a familiar one. Your child probably won't score highly enough to get a diagnosis of autism/adhd (my school refuser and anxiety sufferer didn't) but there are most definitely traits. My son's psychiatrist told me that our famiy are clearly neuro diverse and that none of that matters until it matters. Whether or not it is worth going down that assessment road is up to your family but a child pyschiatrist is in high demand these days. Covid has triggered anxiety and burn out in so many kids but really it was always there waiting in the wings because the system really doesn't suit all kids. You sound like you're amazing parents. If i were you i'd look around at alternatives and find therapists just in case. Good luck.

Thanks everyone - we have found an excellent child psychologist and had our first session last week. Hopefully this, along with the work we are doing at home (as a GAD sufferer i am something of an anxiety ninja when it comes to tools and techniques) will help. We had a good day today and had some good learning moments when the things he was anxious about turned out to be fine (84% in his chemistry test when he was really struggling with his anxiety and had missed one of the lessons!). He was in a happy mood when we spoke at lunchtime so fingers crossed

apologies for my random spelling of psychiatrist*

Hi OP
It's heart breaking to read about your son's distress. I have 2 children on the spectrum Y8 & Y10, both of whose main presentation is anxiety and I recognise an awful lot if not all of what you've mentioned. Autism doesn't always mean lack of empathy - my son is & always has been incredibly empathetic. You son sounds just like mine whose official diagnosis is PDD NOS (atypical autism) that has now, unhelpfully in my opinion, been rolled into the general umbrella of autism. He probably wouldn't be diagnosed now.

Is the school you are at large and busy? A child that has sensory issues and likes routine would find such an environment pretty stressful so you could look into some of the smaller London schools. These are often seen to be less academic but a bright child will do well anywhere. Whereabouts are you based?

Radnor House (which is moving to & becoming Kneller Hall in September) is small & nurturing. It has 3 forms of 21 for the current Yr 7 though they do intend to grow the school from September from the new Y7 onwards. They have a school bus network covering 3 routes across SW London and every year have a few pupils that come out with a full flush of A*s & 7-9s if you are worried about meeting potential. Kids can choose 'invasion games' as a games option instead of football & rugby.

Kew House is similarly small and nurturing. They have interesting features like carpeted hallways which makes for a less noisy transition time between lessons, a vertical form group system with the same tutor assigned throughout school life and a 3 year GCSE programme. No bus network though.

Others have mentioned Portland Place which is a step more niche than the 2 above then even more niche is Burlington House School (previously The Moat)
in Fulham but I really don't think you need that. They are a special school that mooted a change of focus to supportive independent a few years ago but I don't think it happened.

It's worth going to see some of these schools who are all running open days at the moment - just in case one of them makes you instantly feel like it is perfect (as happened to us). Also so that if things don't improve you can move fairly quickly having done a little groundwork. It's two mornings off & sometimes they run Saturday open mornings.

Prepare yourself for a possible hard return to school after half term. We found the returns to school with my daughter just awful for all of year 7 with crying in the build up to the return and lots of ruminating at bedtime about the change of sport activity to gymnastics etc. She finally settled down by summer term and is very happy now in Y8 but it was a traumatic year. She has extreme social anxiety and is on the path to diagnosis (of the now defunct Asperger's type of autism). We found this book really helpful after coming across a copy in our local library. There's a newer edition out with the added chapter of social media but this link to the earlier edition has a plethora of great reviews. Given you are already stuck into some CBT & ACT support it might be a great resource to give to your son.

Good luck - it sounds like you are doing all the right things & I really hope things improve.

Are you sure private school is better for him than a local state school? Somewhere he can walk to and does not have the pressure to be on the X rugby/football team and in Y play and play X instruments all while doing hours of homework and achieving highly as well in numerous tests (and often also looking the part and all the social pressure in a co-ed, especially in London). Perhaps a local school he can walk to where he is easily among the clever ones there would actually be far less pressure for him? Maybe worth looking into it and seeing what the local options might be like. Investigating their SEN provisions and counsellors. Then you could spend the extra money on his counselling etc and just helping him relax. Not everybody has to be good at everything and achieve straight 9s in their GCSEs - the pressure in London private day schools to perform at all levels is very high, even if the school sells itself as nurturing etc.

Just to add I am not saying this to diss private schools. I have 2 DC in superselective grammars and they are alpha types and thriving and have loads of friends in superselective privates through the high level orchestras they do (plus loads of my colleagues and friends have kids in all the top privates in London and also boarding etc further afield so we compare notes).
My most sensitive/anxious and actually brightest DC is in the non selective state sector and doing really well there because external pressure to perform just doesn’t work for him. He already puts too much pressure on himself. So being around too many alphas would just be utterly demoralising for him and we have found that he accepts himself and the other kids do accept much more difference too in a standard state school (in fact for some reason being a little bit “different” seems to be very celebrated in his school). Plus the teachers adore him there and top sets there are pretty good too anyway. So it is just an idea to not dismiss your local schools - walking to school etc/being close to home can really help the anxious child.

Wrong thread, sorry. Reported.

@beautifulyoungmind many thanks for this. We actually had an offer from Kew but went elsewhere in the end. I had heard mixed things about its pastoral provision, but there is a lot to like about it. We are in south west London and both work, so it is hard to find a school located in a place which works. I also just don’t think it will make much difference where he is. It is more school in general and being away from us all day that is the issue. I think he would be anxious regardless of where we went, plus the change could well trigger more issues .The pressure he puts on himself re tests and all that comes totally from himself, as the school are much more relaxed about it (irrespective of the fact he is apparently doing excellently in all his lessons anyway!).

I know after half term is going to be hard, and I am struggling myself with feeling anxious and depressed about how hard everything is and how far away from “normal” we are. Hard not to feel down when parents are organising fun activities for his class, and talking about how much their kids are enjoying school etc. But at the same time we have not had a panic attack in 3 weeks, and he does seem to be developing better coping mechanisms and resilience. We have still only had one session with the child psychologist, so have to give that time too. Hopefully over the year things will get better.

The key to my daughter finally settling into year 7 last year was actually friends and it takes time. She eventually found them at the lunchtime maths clubs attended by only 5 or 6 kids, 2 of whom are now her 'best' friends and they are coming over this half term to work on a physics project together. Never in my wildest dreams of this time last year did I think this might be on the cards. She's always hated people coming over to our home which she sees as her safe space away from the anxieties of school.
Can you encourage your son to go a lunchtime club? It's often a refuge from the bustle of the playground & classrooms both of which my daughter finds to be positively feral with far less supervision and more eye opening behaviours than she was used to at her cosy primary. Secondary school really is a baptism of fire. If your son is able to find a quiet club in something he is interested in he is far more likely to find potential friends. Obviously it depends on what your school offers but maths club was a game changer for us. . My son's school has gardening club & ornithology club which he's not interested in (he's all about coding) but my daughter would love both of these..gentle & immersive activities outside with a teacher away from the crowds.

No panic attack for 3 weeks is great progress & full of promise for further improvement. I hope so for the sake of your wallet as those Psychologist sessions are extortionate. I feel like the professionals are really good at taking money off desperate parents. We were fleeced in the early years.

Don't feel too alone in being so far away from 'normal'. You'd be surprised at what people are coping or not coping with behind closed doors. You're obviously an incredibly engaged parent & supportive partner and from the sounds of it you have every base covered so go easy on yourself. You put some parents I know to complete shame. All of these things are phases and you will get through it given how proactive you are. Year 7 is all about settling in. Nothing your son learns this year or even next year will have too much bearing on his GSCEs and it's still really early days in terms of settling in to secondary though I am sure it doesn't feel like it.

@beautifulyoungmind thank you for such a kind message - it really does mean a lot. Actually his maths teacher just asked him to join maths club but he does not feel ready yet. The problem is he calls me at lunchtime to touch base, and then hangs out with the receptionist who is his new buddy 😂he is fine with talking to the adults there, just his peers which is hard. Hopefully next half term we can get to a club or at least the library. Just a friend or two will make a big difference. Interesting what you say re not having people over - DS is the same - he does not want school friends to come for play dates as he sees home as his safe space away from school. Hopefully this will change soon
so glad your daughter has been improving. Long may it continue

Could you maybe meet up somewhere neutral with another kid? So you aren't doing it at home but somewhere else maybe related to an interest of his. It's going to be so helpful going forward if he can make some friends.

@usernamebore this doesn’t sound like separation anxiety as he used to be fine when he was away from you. He could have anxiety from being bullied or he has self doubt about his own capabilities or he hasn’t made many friends. If it’s the latter then he’ll find break/lunch difficult. Also lessons where he’s not with anyone he’s close to.

If he doesn’t want to invite friends round, then could you take them to the cinema/bowling/sport etc? You mention you have anxiety. Dc will pick up on this and may unconsciously copy behaviours. Are you receiving help for this? No judgement because I used to have chronic panic attacks and PTSD.

Hi OP. Just wondering - might this be a very selective co-ed next to a major A road in West London by any chance?

If you mean LU, no.

Yes this was my thought too. Again no judgement as I do suffer with anxiety myself. I'm sure the psychologist will help much more than everyone on here but like I said previously this is something we have been through and I think 🤞 come out of the other side. It's not about pushing him to the point of panic but trying to give him the realisation that he can handle situations by himself. The psychologist we dealt with said you can reassure and try to protect them too much (we were guilty of this, me in particular) and all it does it make them think they can't do it and it's something to be worried of (if that makes sense). Obviously this needs to be done step by step so as not to overwhelm him. Does he have any friends from his old school that he would meet up with?, cousins or other family members? As playing with other kids can really help. You sound like such a Caring parent and you will all get there in the end. He is lucky to have you.

I think I have realised I am dealing with a kind of grief process about all this - grief at the loss of a kind of childhood we anticipated, at the loss of a “normal” life for us and for DS. That he is not going to suddenly switch to be like the rest of his peers who are self-sufficient and happy and able to cope. I think that is why I am feeling so exhausted and depressed about the whole thing. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that our lives are permanently changed by all this. That we need to find the strength to cope with all that is coming when we already feel on our knees with tiredness. Maybe I need to spend some time properly mourning and coming to terms with that. Learning to accept where we are instead of constantly being anxious and upset because we are not where society tells us we should be.
But being positive - he has made progress the last few weeks. He has not missed a single day all half term. He is now going into form time every morning and, aside from the blip on Monday arising from his awful cold, we have had no tears or freak outs at all in the morning for 2 weeks, and no full blown panic attacks for almost 4. He is laughing and joking when he speaks to me on the phone from school, which is very different from the teary, sad boy I spoke to for the first 3 weeks of term. Still a long way to go, but it does seem like we might get there eventually.

OP you seem to be doing an amazing job. I hope you and your ds continue with a fair wind.

That’s really good news. Well done!

You are right in the middle of a really stressful time where the differences are glaring & hurt. I really get that grief process and have been through it for different reasons and at the time many people, strangers on these boards, advised me to read a poem called Welcome to Holland. Well meaning but even now, over a decade on, I silently rage and think 'I bloody well wanted to go to Italy'. I hate that poem & I'm not suggesting you read it as I don't think it's actually relevant to your situation but I'm sure there are a few on this thread that will know where I am coming from.
I get massively envious of people with their 'normal' kids that they don't have to spend so much time thinking and worrying about. But then things like toxic social media, drugs, alcohol, partying come along and I'm quite grateful for my shy anxious children who are slow to adopt the latest trend & don't yet have a crowd to follow (although I might end up eating those words) so maybe there's some truth to that patronising poem
I think your self awareness and ability to share openly on here puts you and your son in such a strong position to get over this hump. Others here have expressed the same - I think we are slightly in awe! Hopefully your grief will be short lived and replaced with relief.

Thank you everyone and @beautifulyoungmind in particular. I share all this stuff because visibility on mental health issues is massively importance, as is honesty and openness. I know reading some things posted by others who have been through similar experiences really helps me, so I hope talking about what we are going through helps others too. We just had all call from CAMS saying he does not really meet threshold, and even if he did we would have months and months to wait for anything and ultimately they could not offer more than he is already getting, namely sessions with a therapist. Essentially he said if he is not self harming, suicidal, or fully refusing school, then they just don’t have the resources to do anything. I absolutely understand the need to prioritise their shamefully underfunded resources on kids who need it more, so don’t hold a grudge about that (save one against our politicians for decades of underfunding mental health support). All we can do is keep on keepin’ on and enjoy this half term break.